Going Through the Emotions

“The process of metamorphosis is going to hurt. Let it hurt. The more you fight it the longer it takes and the worse the pain seems…Even though change hurts, it is better than living in constant misery and discouragement. Let God do whatever He needs and wants to do in you.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

I am going through a time of metamorphosis in which I am dealing with my past. It is not easy, but sometimes we have to go through difficult times in order to move forward into what God has planned for us.

Sometimes that means feeling the pain and the despair of past hurts and regrets.

Sometimes that means letting God be God and allowing Him to work in us, within us and through us.

Lately, I have had feelings of immense guilt over things that I did in the past, some of which people say is not my fault and that I should not feel any guilt or shame from. However, there is a lot of shame associated with the guilt. I have points in which I feel like an absolute nobody, especially when I remember times when I was not treated well. I realize that I am not worthy of what Jesus did on the cross.

But the truth is that none of us is worthy of the mercy and grace that God has shown us. As much as I want to do good things and love everyone, I will make mistakes and sin. I sin every day. That is what makes Christ’s death on the cross so beautiful and powerful.

A few months ago, I entered intensive treatment for my PTSD. The treatment program was based on prolongued exposure therapy. In order to get into the program, I had a 7-hour long interview session, in which I gave details about my past- the traumatic experiences, the abuse, the neglect, the homelessness, the loss, the drug abuse, etc… All of it.

Prolonged exposure therapy is unique in that it entails going back and going through the trauma detail by detail. I had to go back and deal with the worst times in my life head on, reliving the details. I was unable to continue the treatment since I began to have flooding memories to the point that I could not function.

However, I know that there is a lot of psychological backing to the idea that if you want to overcome negative feelings, sometimes you need to go through them and live in them. You need to feel in order to move forward. It doesn’t mean that we should feel those negative feelings all the time. I would not be able to function if I lived in my flashbacks all the time. Currently, I have about 10 a day and that makes it somewhat difficult to function. But it does mean feeling them completely, not running away from the hurt, the pain, the obstacles, the struggles.

As difficult as it was for me to go through the interview, it was very empowering to speak about what I went through in order to get to where I am. I have tried my whole life to hide my past from most people. I did not invite friends over to my house so that they wouldn't see the alcoholism in my family or the fact that I was poor. But in trying to hide such a big part of what makes me who I am, I internalized the shame. Now I am slowly picking up those pieces and trying to make sense of my past so that I can move forward.

I do not know about you but if someone tells me not to think about something, I usually end up thinking about that thing more. So by going through the negative emotions and feelings, sometimes it helps us to truly deal with them.

In her book, Joyce Meyer mentions some of her difficulties in her childhood, of which I can relate and I believe that many others can. Some of us have had difficult childhoods. Mine was full of terror and I had to fight through many obstacles even to survive. In many ways, I feel as though I grew up much quicker than anyone should have to.

Although we cannot change the past, we need to deal with our past so that it does not ruin the future that God has for us.

“I saw that I could not do anything about what I had lost, and I started looking at what I had left. For one thing, I had the rest of my life, and so do you. Even if the years you have lived weren’t pleasant, you still have your future.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

This is not easy. I personally am working on reconciling the various parts of my life so that I can be whole. I have been extremely successful academically and in various other areas of my life, but at the same time, I am constantly reliving the worst times of my childhood. I am a 24 year old 80% of the time and an abused, neglected, hurt, and frightened little girl the other 20% of the time. Who I am is torn. The feelings I feel are shattered and conflicting. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I have often told people that I feel as though I'm living two lives. Being bipolar does not help things as my emotions constantly cycle from being very excited about life to being very depressed.

But God brings peace and calm into my chaotic life every day, as He tells me the truth. I am amazed every day at how awesome God truly is.

Though it’s difficult, I take life one day at a time, hoping and praying for wholeness. I feel that we are all called to move forward, no matter how difficult things get. This too shall pass...

I want to leave off with a song that speaks about taking life one day at a time and learning to breathe.