Blessings in the Desperate Times

“Thankfulness is a daily spiritual practice that involves keeping our minds filled with loving-kindness, rather than fear or greed.”

-Jeff Golliher, Moving Through Fear

Many people have heard the saying “Count your blessings.” Recently, I have been thinking a lot about my past. As I look back on the obstacles I have faced, I am truly thankful to God for my life, even with the countless difficulties that I have had to face in order to get to where I am.

To me, thankfulness should not just be shown one day a year on Thanksgiving, or the whole month of November through Facebook posts and tweets. I believe, as Jeff Golliher believes, that thankfulness should be an everyday event. Every day, we should be thankful to God and those around us who help us along our path in life. We should always be thankful for what we have, especially in the dark and difficult times.

For me, thankfulness is about finding hope in the darkness; it’s about allowing God to reveal how He has blessed us in the times when He seems far away, those dark times when we think He is not there. Even when He is silent, He is working behind the scenes and intricately working in our lives in unimaginable ways.

One time in my life that I am truly thankful for is a period of homelessness before and during my senior year of high school.

As I cried after I saw the eviction notice and I realized that we were homeless, I realized that I had a decision to make. I knew I did not want to live with my mother, who at the time, was still alcoholic and had neglected me for three years before. I talked to a woman at my church about the different options that I had. We decided that I would volunteer at a camp for children and adults with special needs, since they offered me free housing and meals.

Those children and adults helped to change my life and helped remind me of all that I had, even during my time of homelessness. I helped the campers do things that they thought was impossible, like rock climbing and kayaking. As I wheeled campers around to the different activities, I was thankful that I could help them participate and enjoy life. There were endless smiles on the faces of the campers. Many of them had always been told that they could not do many things and it meant the world to them and also me as I helped them and watched them do activities that "normal" people do. At one point, I helped facilitate a conversation between a blind woman and a deaf man, something I never thought I would do in a million years. Working with them reminded me that even in my time of despair, nothing is impossible. I am incredibly thankful for my time at the camp.

I am thankful for the families that opened their homes to me during my period of homelessness. For over a half a year, I lived out of a suitcase as I couchsurfed at about eight homes (I lost count of how many homes I lived in). The kindness shown to me was unbelievable.

Last October, I was hospitalized for a mild head concussion. I was given a medication in the Emergency Room that caused me to have a dystonic reaction. I had muscle spasms in my arms and legs. My eyes were uncontrollably rolling all over the place. My head was shaking from side to side. I could not even sit up by myself or squeeze the neurologist’s hands. I could barely walk. Running was out of the question. The doctors frantically tried to figure out why I had dystonia and why nothing was helping. By the sixth day, we all thought that I may be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. As I laid in the hospital bed, I came to terms with that fact and I wrote the following prayer, in which I counted all of the blessings that God has given me.

Dear God,

thank you for the fact that I can see

even if my eyes don't stay in one spot,

that I can walk even with a limp,

that I can speak even slowly with a stutter,

that I can laugh even with all of this,

that I can pray to you quietly and you hear me,

that I can sing to my favorite Christian music

silently and in my head,

that I can hear the music and the bible verses read to me.

I know in my heart you will use me as a testimony

and witness of your goodness and grace,

no matter what lies in the future.

I am not afraid,

for I know you are with me

and always have been.

I love you so much.

Amen

After eight days in the hospital, the dystonic reaction went away. They believe it was an allergic reaction to the medication they had given me. I have had bouts of the dystonic reaction since then. Fortunately, though, I have fully recovered and I am not confined to a wheelchair. Every day that I go through without the dystonia I count as a huge blessing.

This life is riddled with times of anxiety, fear and doubt. Taking the time to thank God for the blessings that He has given us even in those dark times can help us to draw closer to God and to open our hearts to hope. I am so thankful for the many difficulties I have faced, because I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through them. I would not be as strong and courageous. Most importantly, those difficulties have strengthened my relationship with God.