The Love That Never Ends

When I started the journey of this Lenten season, I had no idea where God would lead me. I had no idea of the changes and the amount of healing that I would go through. I had no idea that I would go through so many difficulties.

But through this season, God has truly called my name. He helped me to transform and become closer to Him, closer to Him than I think I ever thought was possible. This morning, during the Easter service at my church, I remembered my baptism. I recommitted to my faith in a way that is very difficult to explain. I realized through the most difficult times in the past 40 days, that the only reason I am here, the only reason I wake up each morning no matter how difficult the day before was, is God and His love and strength. It is only through His strength and guidance that I have endured so much and yet still cling so tightly to Him.

Ever since I moved here last August, I have struggled to make really strong connections with others. I attribute it to my prideful actions and words. I honestly wish I could personally apologize to everyone who I hurt. I think one of the biggest reasons I was so prideful was and is that deep down, I feel like I am not good enough for others. I am ashamed of many things in my past. I grew up being told I was nothing, both through the actions and words of others. My father told me I was stupid and teased me nearly every day.

But there is one event in my life particularly in the past few years that I am most ashamed of.

In past posts and at various points in the past few years, I told people that I fell off a building and that God saved my life. The truth is that I jumped. I was so lost, so broken, so desperate, so empty inside, so ashamed, so shattered, so full of fear, that I thought the only way that I could overcome the difficulties in my life was to permanently end the pain. I thought it was my only way out of the suffering.

But God has continually shown me that through His strength, I can move forward in my life. I do not have to let the painful moments in my life run or ruin everything. I can move forward into wholeness, into a peace which surpasses all understanding.

By the grace of God, I survived the jump. The police said that a tree saved my life. I am also blessed that even though I sustained a few burst fractures in my vertebrae that I can walk and run.

I realized this morning that I do not have to be ashamed of my attempt. In the past few years, I have been extremely ashamed of it. Some of it has been because I do not want to remember how I felt at that time. I tell others that I fell so that I am not bombarded by questions. I do not want to go back there. But still some of the shame came from feeling like I betrayed God; I felt like I was so far from Him. How can He forgive me for trying to take the most wonderful and precious gift- my life- that I have ever been given? How will He ever forgive me for that? Can I really still be loved by God after doing that? Can He really and truly care about me that much?

And the answer to those questions is yes. He tells me all the time how much He loves me.

The main reason I wanted to share this with you is because I can truly say that no matter how bad the things we have done are, God’s love is greater still. As Corrie Ten Boom said, “There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.” Nothing, truly nothing, can separate us from His love.

I have realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of, because Christ has redeemed me in a way that no one and nothing else can redeem me. I do not have to run from my past any longer, because it has made me who I am. It has made me an incredibly strong person. It has made me closer to God than I think I ever have been. His love is more powerful, more full of grace, more full of mercy than any other love in this world.

And that… that is why I choose to live and fight through each day in order to move forward. I have sinned, I have said awful things, I have tried to hide the deep, dark part of me from others, but God has picked me up out of that and truly placed my feet on the firm foundation. He has filled me with a faith and a peace which truly do not make sense. I am not ashamed anymore that He chose to save me from the darkest time in my life or that He chose to call me by my name so that I could run towards Him.

My prayer and hope for you is that you know that you are forgiven. My prayer is that together, we can walk unashamed of the love that was shown on the cross. Our shame gone. Our guilt gone. Our sins washed away. The dirt no longer apparent. White as snow.

My prayer is that you know that there is someone who offers you healing in a way that you could not even imagine. There is someone who goes with you into each of the storms you will face. He forgives you. He loves you. And He never stops loving and healing you. There is nothing, no one greater than Him.

And most of all, He is mighty to save.