Meaning in the Darkness

“I realized that my sorrow gave me the opportunity to know him with a depth I had not experienced before, in a way I could not have known him without going through deep sorrow myself… It’s in our suffering that we can truly begin to identify with his. We can finally get a tiny taste of what he was willing to endure out of his love for us.”

-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

As I read this last night, it occurred to me that this was different than how I’ve looked at my sorrow and that of Jesus. I always looked at Jesus’s suffering as him coming down to earth to understand my suffering.

But as I read this, I was overwhelmed with a profound understanding that switched what I had thought.

As we go through difficulties, hardships, and struggles in this life, I do not believe that it is God punishing us. Rather, I believe that through those difficulties, we understand what Jesus went through in order to save us. In order to heal us. In order to restore us. It is in our suffering that we come to know Jesus in a much deeper way than we ever could without going through those tough times.

I grew up in extremely bad situations, having been abused, teased, and neglected for many years. But throughout those times, I kept hoping. Though I still face various difficulties today, such as the loss of my job a few weeks ago, I still have that hope. In fact, that hope has grown…

A few months ago, I was walking around campus on the phone. At the time, I was stuttering and I had uncontrollable arm spasms. With tears running down my face, I talked to my brother, telling him that the dystonic reaction was back. "Oh, no," I heard him say. I heard terror in his voice. There were other students walking around me, and some were laughing at me. I did not understand how they could laugh at me.

I wrote on my Facebook. "People are laughing at me, mocking me, doubting me, and making fun of me. I forgive them, because that's what we do to God and He forgives us."

It was through my physical illness that I gained a deeper insight into how Jesus felt when He was betrayed, mocked and murdered on our behalf.

I feel as though the more difficulties I go through and continue to endure, the closer I become to God and the less my dire circumstances get me down. When I lost my job, I was disappointed but only for a little bit. I became so excited for what God has planned for me.  I have a deep sense of hope that God will get me through everything in the future and that everything will fall into place.

Why?

Because God got me through tremendously awful, unspeakable stuff in the past and He will continue to get me through stuff in the present and the future. Our God is one who never leaves us and who goes with us wherever we go.

I have asked the questions, “Why is this happening, Lord? Haven’t I had enough?” But God answers when He helps me through the difficult times. He says that there is a greater purpose for my suffering. No matter what comes my way, no matter how difficult it seems, no matter how horrible it looks, He will help me, guide me, protect me, and go with me. His grace will shine through.

"Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?"

-Job 2:10 (KJV)

We no doubt will face difficulties in this life, but as Romans 8:28 says, God can use the difficulties in ways that we never could imagine. We need to accept those times that challenge us.

It is through those difficult circumstances that I have had to face throughout my life and to this day that I have learned to rely on His strength, His courage, and His tenacity to get through each day. 

It is in those difficulties that I have seen who God really is. He is not a distant God who allows bad things to happen in my life to punish me or to not care. He is a God who has led me to great places and has held me during the rough times when I have cried. He was there when I was abused, teased, neglected and homeless. He was there when I was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. He was there when I had no family to rely on. He has continually told me throughout my obstacles just how much He loves me.

He has used the obstacles in my life for a deeper purpose and He continues to.

If you do not believe me, please read this true story that I wrote which was published about how God helped me use my story to save someone from committing suicide.

He understands what each of us are going through, and through our obstacles, we understand what He did in order to die for us.

He loves each of us. He wants to restore us. He wants to renew us. He wants to refresh us.

And sometimes that means walking through difficult times… But never ever forget how much He loves you and that He will never leave you.

How Free I Am...

I just had an Aha moment, as they call them, and it was too good not to be a blog post.

I was thinking about my latest psychotic episode. When I was psychotic, voices of people I had known from throughout my life were telling me awful things about who I am. They told me I lied and I never did anything good for anybody else. They made fun of me. They laughed at me. They threw nasty names at me. They told me I deserved to die or be killed. I literally wanted to say sorry to everyone that I thought was talking to me. I felt deeply ashamed and scared of who these voices said I was.

During my first psychotic episode, I believed that the doctors were killing the other patients (which they obviously weren’t). I went around the hospital unit trying to save everyone, telling the doctors and nurses that I wanted to die in their place. I wanted to be the one who died not them. But then I started to believe that my sins were too much. I believed I deserved to die because of my sins. I needed to be punished.

I came to realize that the One who died for us had already died in our place. Even though I have sinned, I realized that my sins were and are not too much for God to forgive. Jesus has already been punished.

In both psychotic episodes, as I started to take the medications, the intense fears started to fade. I was relieved to know and find out that I was not dying nor did I have to die nor was I being punished. Through my insane, irrational psychotic episodes, I gained a deeper understanding of what it meant for Jesus to die for my sins. Towards the end of my second psychotic episode, I heard one of the voices, which was not a voice of someone I had grown up with, say “It already was accomplished.” 

It was almost like they said clear as day, "You have nothing to worry about. It already has happened. Your Savior has already died in your place. You have nothing to fear."

It never occurred to me until just now what that meant. What it means for Jesus to already have accomplished victory over sin, death and evil. It already was accomplished. And now, I am free from my sins. Free from the shame. Free from the mistakes. Free from the regrets.

The shame and guilt I have carried my whole life are starting to heal... finally.

My doctor said that people rarely remember their psychotic episodes, but I remember full well how scary it was. I was absolutely terrified of everyone in the hospital and they even talked about it once my psychosis stopped. But I believe that my memory of the episodes is a blessing, since I remember the incredible relief when I realized that everything was forgiven and that I had nothing to fear.  All the shame and all the guilt is no more. 

The shame does not have to overwhelm my life anymore. The memories of my traumatic experiences don’t have to control my life anymore. And that’s what the memories remind me. 

Not of how frightened I was, but of how free I am.

What It Means To Follow Him

I just finished listening to the first three sermons by Andy Stanley. If you have time on your hands this summer, I would highly recommend listening to the series of Follow sermons.

In his second sermon in the Follow series, Andy focused on a familiar Bible story, one that I have heard many times and on which I gave a children’s sermon as a teenager. It is when Simon is told by Jesus to cast down his nets, after Simon had just given up for the day, unsuccessful at catching any fish. But nevertheless, Simon casts the nets down and they catch a ton of fish, so much so that the nets begin to break. Going through this miracle, Simon then says to Jesus, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” (Luke 5:8 (NIV))

As Andy talked about this story, he said that Jesus asked Simon to do something he had done hundreds and thousands of times before, but to do it differently. He made the decision to follow Christ's direction and witnessed a miracle.

As I was listening, I thought about all of the miracles that have occurred in my own life, the moments that have made me wonder why Jesus loved me so much even though I am a sinner. Most of my closest times with God occurred when I did something that I had done many times before but I did it differently.

For example, many of you know that I go to the lake a lot. When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time in nature. It calmed me and allowed me to survive many difficulties. Throughout my hardships in life, I always spent time in nature because it helped me to feel and see God. It helped me to experience God in a way that is very tangible. As I watched the birds soar in the sky, I imagined that I was one of them, soaring above the obstacles that I was facing, with my arms stretched out wide. But lately, I have been asking Him to reveal Himself to me through nature in a way that He never had before.

Some may know this story. When I was feeling really anxious and upset a few months ago, I went to the lake. God told me to look up and I saw a white bird fly across the sky. My anxiety literally was washed away, almost like it just evaporated. I saw white birds a lot over the next few weeks. 

My psychosis got very bad and I literally followed a flock of white birds to the hospital, where my body completely shut down. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days and I still wonder how I got to the hospital. Once I got out of the hospital, I didn't really see the white birds anymore, until two days ago. Through this situation, God revealed Himself to me in a mighty way as my protector. He told me that He can use anything, including white birds, to save my life.

Am I surprised that I saw a ton of white birds at the exact time I needed to or that I was surrounded by them during my darkest time?

Not at all.

God uses everything and anything to help us on our walk with Him in His perfect timing.

Throughout my childhood and years growing up, I spent a lot of time praying to God. But until last October, when I fully and completely surrendered my life to God and His will for my life, many of the prayers were from my head and not my heart. Last October, I felt the call of God and I knelt on my knees, sobbing, telling God that I wanted to surrender my life to Him. I had heard many times about surrendering to God but October was the first time I really meant it with all of my being.

Is it any surprise that the day after I surrendered my life to God that I suffered a head concussion? Or that the doctors gave me a medication that caused me to have dystonia and I fought to overcome that for the next eight days? Or that I would be hospitalized five times since moving here last August? Or that I would be diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a few months later? Or that I would be fired from my job?

Not at all.

Because when I prayed that prayer, I asked God to humble me. I asked Him to rid me of my pride. I truly surrendered my life to Him, with all of my soul, all of my mind, all of my heart... with all of my being.

When I had dystonic reactions, others mocked me, laughed at me, doubted me, made fun of me… Not being able to talk without stuttering was incredibly humbling. Losing my job had to be the most humbling experience of all because it was where all of my pride stemmed from. I thought I was the smartest PhD student that ever lived… But this semester, I learned that I am not. I learned what it means to fully rely on God’s strength to get through the day. I learned what it means to have lost everything but gained everything at the same time.

Isn’t that what faith means? Isn’t that what following God entails?

Just because we follow Jesus or have faith does not mean that everything will be a-okay and perfect. Trust me when I say it will not be perfect.

But it means that though we may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we know that God goes with us. We know that even if we lose our job, even if we face chronic illness, even if we do not know how we’ll make it by financially, we know that God cares about us and that He will never fail us. We know that He holds our lives in His hands and no matter what, His strength will carry us through. We don't just know these things. We feel them. We see them. We believe them. They are part of our existence and our precious time here on earth.

If you ask me how I am different than who I was when I first moved here and started graduate school, I would undoubtedly say that I feel closer to God. I have had to depend on Him in ways that I have never had to before. I have cried out to Him. I have questioned Him. But I spend more time with Him than I ever have before. I do things differently and even though I have faced tremendous difficulties and I am walking into the unknown, I follow Christ. To me, there’s no other choice.

Always Keep Ya Head Up

As I sat in my chair at church this morning, I listened to my pastor ask important questions that made me think. The sermon was about how God creates new things; not only by creating new things, but also by renewing old things. I feel deeply that in the past few months, God has renewed me in a mighty way. He has helped me to understand who I am on a deeper level.

 “In love I am blessed, chosen, adopted, favored, redeemed and forgiven.”

-Beth Moore, Believing God

To me, these are not just cute or nice little words on a page of a book I’m currently reading. They are real in my life and they are becoming more real each and every day as I draw closer to God. The truth in those words is being revealed every second.

They are true for you as well.

I have often struggled with a kind of dichotomous view of myself. On one hand, I am a very successful person who has overcome tremendous odds to get to where I am. I believe I am strong and brave. But on the other hand, I feel intensely ashamed, alone, and frightened, as I relive past traumatic experiences on a daily basis through flashbacks due to PTSD.

Having PTSD is like a roller coaster ride. One minute, I'm with friends, happily talking and then the next minute, I'm back there, fighting for my life, holding back the tears. Needless, to say, it has taken a lot of strength and courage to get to where I am. Lately, I have been reminding myself after flashbacks that I am strong and brave.

No matter what others say to you, no matter what others do to you, you and I are still God’s children and we are part of a greater family. We should never forget who we are in Him; that we are His beautiful children.

No matter what happens in this life, we never lose our worth in God’s eyes.

Even if you’ve been abused for years.

Even if you’ve been neglected for years.

Even if you’ve been homeless.

Even if you’ve lost people close to you.

Even if you’ve had people call you stupid.

Even if you’ve had people tease you.

Even if you’ve had people tell you that you’re not going to get anywhere in life.

All of those things have happened to me. I can honestly say that I have struggled to find my identity in Christ, especially when I think about what others have done and said to me. But each day, I am getting closer to the truth of who I am in Christ. I am not a victim in His eyes. I am a survivor because He carried me through everything. I have nothing to be ashamed of because He has forgiven me. He is the reason I am still here and He gives me the courage to move forward.

He wants to restore us. He wants to forgive us. He wants to help us move forward.

I want to leave you with a song that has given me a lot of strength since the first time I heard it. I can relate to this song on so many levels. It talks about the fact that sometimes our family hurts us or is not there for us and it takes many people to raise a child. As a teenager, trying to get into foster care, I often wondered what family was. I struggled to understand who I was through all the turmoil in my family. I had never known what it is like to have a family that was not in turmoil. I was told by a few people that I had to make my own family with those around me, since my real family was not there for me. Everywhere that I have moved, I continue to make a family with those around me. And along the journey, I try to continually figure out who I am within the family of God and who I am in Christ.

But one thing is for sure...

I am one of God's children.

Traveling Along the Trail of Life Through Nature

This morning, I successfully completed the Spring term of my first year in graduate school. This was no small feat due to four hospitalizations, bouts of dystonic spasms and stuttering, psychotic episodes, an episode of catatonia and being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. The obstacles that I faced this semester were beyond difficult. It is a great relief to know that I have finished for the year.

In order to celebrate the completion of this semester, I went to the lake.

As you can see, today is a beautiful day at the lake.

After being at the lake for awhile, I decided to go on nature walks by the museum, something I have wanted to do all semester. I decided to be adventurous and walk the trails without a map so that I could get the full feel of not knowing where I was going and just to enjoy walking through nature.

As I walked, I realized how much walking through the nature trails is like life in general. So I decided to take photos during my walk to capture what the trails were teaching me.

Sometimes in life, we look beyond 

and we wonder how we will get through the obstacles in our way...

Sometimes we struggle to distinguish the path we should take from our surroundings 

and this creates confusion.

Sometimes we look ahead and our future looks bright,

but there still is something right in front of us that looks like a roadblock.

Sometimes we can see the path we should take,

but it looks like our surroundings are going to cave in on us,

like our life is going to fall apart.

We look ahead and the path looks very windy,

and we do not know when the next twist or turn in our life will occur,

but we continue to walk forward.

Sometimes in life, we look ahead

and it looks like we've gotten off the path,

so we step back onto the path and keep walking.

Sometimes our life looks very crooked,

maybe we said or did the wrong thing

and now everything looks chaotic and tilted.

Sometimes in life, a fog causes our view of the path to be blurry.

We do not know where to go, who to turn to, what to do,

but we continue to move forward,

attempting to alleviate the blurriness and confusion.

When we get past the point of confusion,

we realize that we are on a clear path,

still with its twists and turns,

but we bravely keep walking forward.

We keep walking and then we see a future bend in the path,

and we do not know where it will lead,

but we keep moving forward,

trusting that there is something great beyond the turn,

trusting in God's plan for our lives.

We may come to a clearing,

and we see the obstacles on the sides of the path,

and we choose to stay on the road

not looking from side to side

but focused on the future that we have in God.

But nothing is perfect on this earth,

so you see obstacles directly on the path.

The road ahead looks rough and unmanageable.

God helps you to step over the obstacles,

to rise above the storms of life.

Even though the road ahead looks dark and chaotic,

you keep walking and moving forward,

trusting in God.

You see right ahead of you a giant obstacle.

You look around for solutions,

but you're stuck.

But with God's help,

you move forward

and again, you go through the obstacle

and rise above

and keep walking forward.

 Even though this path called life

is riddled with obstacles,

you always move forward...

By going through the obstacles in life

and moving forward,

you learn to enjoy the little things in life

and to appreciate the beauty in the mundane.

You learn to live.

The Voices That Speak

This is a poem that I just wrote that I felt called to write. It is a poem about my experience being psychotic and paranoid. I hope that it helps others to understand what it is like to have a mental illness.

The Voices That Speak

i look

they stare

they laugh

what do they know?

what do they see?

are they after me?

the voices speak to me

in whispers

in loud voices

confusion invades

the very essence of who i am

who are they?

i recognize their voices

voices loud and clear

near and far

pointing fingers

blaming me

killing me

i say the lord’s prayer

and forgive those who trespass against us

Lord, please make them stop

invasion of my mind

confusion in my soul

chaos in my being

i take the medications

want the voices to stop

desperate

want the people to stop killing me

slowly the voices fade

i escape

but not without a fight

they stop killing me with their words

their accusations

i emerge

and become whole again

the person i was before the voices

their voices become just a memory

the experience a distant nightmare

the confusion fades

the chaos ends

and i am me again

A Letter From God

Something that has been helping me is to write different letters. Today, I decided to write a letter to myself but from the perspective of God writing the letter to me. I based it on things that I have been learning about God and I wanted to share the letter because I thought it might help others.

My dear child,

I want you to know that I have forgiven you. Those parts of your past in which I wept with you and held you, trying to calm you down, I was with you. I was cheering you on, helping you to conquer your fears and doubts about yourself, the world and me.

You questioned me a lot. You asked me if I would forgive you, for both your unintentional and intentional mistakes. You asked me where I was when you were abused and neglected, when evil things invaded your life. You asked me why I allowed you to go through those things. You were angry at me. I understand. In many of those times in your life, you felt like I was absent. Not listening.

But my answer to those questions was, is and always will be…

I have redeemed you.

I have loved you.

I have carried you.

I have mounted you up on eagles’ wings so that you could soar over the storms in your life.

I gave you the strength you needed to fight the battles.

There truly is nothing, no battle too big for me. You see, I created the world and I know your pain. I have seen your pain and I wept with you throughout your painful moments, until we had no more tears to cry. I was angry and upset with you, that you had been so hurt. I was there for you every step of the way. I will never abandon you. You are my precious child.

No matter what the world says, no matter what others around you say or do, always stick to the truth that you have found through me. Always know that you are my precious child and I would never do anything to harm you. I am so sorry you went through all of those things, but I truly strengthened you through those circumstances. I gave you my strength so that you could fight the battles. I gave you courage and wisdom to get to where you are now. I gave you a purpose and meaning for your life, something that nobody except me could give you. I will always comfort you and I hope you know how much I care about you. I know those moments were tough, but I am so proud of how far you have come.

There is nothing too difficult for me. I know you are scared about the future and the unknown but I will help you through everything. Never give up. Keep fighting. Never stop leaning on me for strength. Put your full trust in me because I have carried so many others through difficult circumstances. There is nothing too dark or evil for me to handle. We will get through this and I will help you continue to move forward.

Take my hand and let me lead the way…

The Indestructible Hope

I was thinking about what I was going to blog about today, and the word “hope” kept running through my mind.

To me, hope is critical to life, especially a life that has meaning and purpose. Having been through so many difficulties in my life, I know I would be long gone if it were not for the hope God has instilled in me through my obstacles.

Hope is finding joy, truth and meaning in the obstacles of life. Hope is finding the light in the darkness in this world and in our individual lives. Hope is holding on to the promises of God, even when everything around us looks dim. It is that part of our soul that yearns for more of God, for more meaning. It is the part within us that cries out for God in desperation, holding on to His outstretched arms, waiting for answers to our prayers.

Growing up, my hope was that God would reveal Himself to me and help me to rise above my family situation. I prayed thousands of prayers asking Him to help me and guide me through the difficult times. I said thousands of prayers asking for God to help my family members.

My oldest brother, Michael, and I were close as children. He loved to take care of me as a baby.

We played countless hours of video games. My brothers absolutely loved to watch the Simpsons, especially during dinner time, which my mother did not really like or agree with. But my brothers watched it anyway.

I grew up with an acre of woods behind my home and we lived on a mountain, so our backyard was very steep. When it snowed, my brothers and I loved to sled down the mountain. We also used to swing on vines from the trees, twenty feet or so off the ground.

Mike especially loved to pull pranks on my other brother and I. When the Y2K bug was happening during the switch to the next millennium, my family gathered in front of the TV to watch the ball drop in New York City on New Years Eve. Mike slipped out of the room right before the countdown to supposedly go to the bathroom. We started to  count down and when it got to 1, all of the power in our home went out. My mother, other brother and I were very nervous and started to panic. Maybe the Y2K bug was real! Maybe the world really is ending!, we thought. Mike then turned all the power back  on, coming up from the basement with a huge smile on his face, laughing.

Mike loved trains. He worked at a train store. He built a whole village in our basement, with a train set that went through the village. During Christmas time, Mike used to set up a train set to go around the bottom of the tree. Countless hours were spent watching Santa go by in the train, around and around the bottom of the tree.

But...

The trains began to disappear. 

Mike started to forge checks and steal money. 

He got in trouble at his work. 

He eventually dropped out of high school. 

The brother I once knew left home. 

Numerous arguments between my mother and him occurred. 

Walls in the house were punched. 

Threats of breaking windows were made.

He was placed in an adult school at another high school at night. My mother and I went to drop him off in the dark of night. 

Then came the day when we found out that he skipped that school in order to hang out with friends.

Mike got involved with drugs big time. He started dealing. Every so often, my mother told me he was in this jail, that jail, this prison, that prison. The jail visits became so numerous that I lost count.

I felt like I lost Mike long before he committed suicide in 2007. The laughing, fun, exciting brother that I knew from my childhood became someone who was dealing drugs, who threatened people, stole from people. Marijuana, crack, heroin, ecstacy and countless other names of drugs became common terms in my home.

For years, I hoped, along with my mother, that Mike would quit doing and dealing drugs. We hoped against all hope that he would turn around. Many countless prayers were said, asking God to help him stop.

But Mike is gone.

Does that mean that God did not answer my prayers, that my hopes were not fulfilled?

Not necessarily.

I miss Mike all the time. Even though he abused me at various points while growing up, it was not entirely his fault. I understood that and I have forgiven him.

Because Mike died, a lot of my external family, which had argued and avoided each other until 2007, came together to mourn Mike’s death. Out of his death, my family united in an amazing way.

Since then, my mother and other brother have overcome their addictions as well. Mike’s death has made us all stronger than we were before. His death helped me to make a choice not to do drugs, deal drugs or drink alcohol. After his death, I gave speeches to students in different classes about not doing drugs. His death gave me the motivation I needed to get through college, something that I always hoped that I would do.

The point that I am trying to make is that sometimes we hope in things, but God may answer our hopes and our prayers differently than we expected. But we still need to have hope. We still need to try to make our dreams and our hopes become reality. Some hope for complete healing and they may not be completely healed. That does not mean that God is not working in their life in some way. It does not mean that God is ignoring us at all. It means that it may not be the right time.

Hope is that part of us that looks to the bright future which God has planned for us. Everything we hope for may not happen in this lifetime, but we are promised great things in our eternal life. That's why we strive to be as hopeful as we can be in this life. That's why we are motivated to make our dreams come true and give meaning to our lives. 

To me, there is no other choice than to be hopeful, especially in this world so full of confusion and darkness. We must not allow seemingly unanswered prayers stop us from hoping in great things.

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick"

-Proverbs 13:12a (KJV)

Blessings in the Desperate Times

“Thankfulness is a daily spiritual practice that involves keeping our minds filled with loving-kindness, rather than fear or greed.”

-Jeff Golliher, Moving Through Fear

Many people have heard the saying “Count your blessings.” Recently, I have been thinking a lot about my past. As I look back on the obstacles I have faced, I am truly thankful to God for my life, even with the countless difficulties that I have had to face in order to get to where I am.

To me, thankfulness should not just be shown one day a year on Thanksgiving, or the whole month of November through Facebook posts and tweets. I believe, as Jeff Golliher believes, that thankfulness should be an everyday event. Every day, we should be thankful to God and those around us who help us along our path in life. We should always be thankful for what we have, especially in the dark and difficult times.

For me, thankfulness is about finding hope in the darkness; it’s about allowing God to reveal how He has blessed us in the times when He seems far away, those dark times when we think He is not there. Even when He is silent, He is working behind the scenes and intricately working in our lives in unimaginable ways.

One time in my life that I am truly thankful for is a period of homelessness before and during my senior year of high school.

As I cried after I saw the eviction notice and I realized that we were homeless, I realized that I had a decision to make. I knew I did not want to live with my mother, who at the time, was still alcoholic and had neglected me for three years before. I talked to a woman at my church about the different options that I had. We decided that I would volunteer at a camp for children and adults with special needs, since they offered me free housing and meals.

Those children and adults helped to change my life and helped remind me of all that I had, even during my time of homelessness. I helped the campers do things that they thought was impossible, like rock climbing and kayaking. As I wheeled campers around to the different activities, I was thankful that I could help them participate and enjoy life. There were endless smiles on the faces of the campers. Many of them had always been told that they could not do many things and it meant the world to them and also me as I helped them and watched them do activities that "normal" people do. At one point, I helped facilitate a conversation between a blind woman and a deaf man, something I never thought I would do in a million years. Working with them reminded me that even in my time of despair, nothing is impossible. I am incredibly thankful for my time at the camp.

I am thankful for the families that opened their homes to me during my period of homelessness. For over a half a year, I lived out of a suitcase as I couchsurfed at about eight homes (I lost count of how many homes I lived in). The kindness shown to me was unbelievable.

Last October, I was hospitalized for a mild head concussion. I was given a medication in the Emergency Room that caused me to have a dystonic reaction. I had muscle spasms in my arms and legs. My eyes were uncontrollably rolling all over the place. My head was shaking from side to side. I could not even sit up by myself or squeeze the neurologist’s hands. I could barely walk. Running was out of the question. The doctors frantically tried to figure out why I had dystonia and why nothing was helping. By the sixth day, we all thought that I may be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. As I laid in the hospital bed, I came to terms with that fact and I wrote the following prayer, in which I counted all of the blessings that God has given me.

Dear God,

thank you for the fact that I can see

even if my eyes don't stay in one spot,

that I can walk even with a limp,

that I can speak even slowly with a stutter,

that I can laugh even with all of this,

that I can pray to you quietly and you hear me,

that I can sing to my favorite Christian music

silently and in my head,

that I can hear the music and the bible verses read to me.

I know in my heart you will use me as a testimony

and witness of your goodness and grace,

no matter what lies in the future.

I am not afraid,

for I know you are with me

and always have been.

I love you so much.

Amen

After eight days in the hospital, the dystonic reaction went away. They believe it was an allergic reaction to the medication they had given me. I have had bouts of the dystonic reaction since then. Fortunately, though, I have fully recovered and I am not confined to a wheelchair. Every day that I go through without the dystonia I count as a huge blessing.

This life is riddled with times of anxiety, fear and doubt. Taking the time to thank God for the blessings that He has given us even in those dark times can help us to draw closer to God and to open our hearts to hope. I am so thankful for the many difficulties I have faced, because I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through them. I would not be as strong and courageous. Most importantly, those difficulties have strengthened my relationship with God.

The Unstoppable Love of God

I had to write a lengthy paper for a class all day today, and in between writing, I thought about the fact that I was hospitalized four times this semester and recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have missed over a month of classes, yet I still am in the semester, going strong. I thought it would be impossible to finish this semester without taking a medical leave, but I proved myself and many others wrong. Nothing has stopped me so far from achieving my goals, so why would I let four hospitalizations stop me from completing this semester?

Granted, I know that many people would have taken the time off and that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with taking a medical leave. I took a 10 month medical leave during college. But there is a principle behind what I am trying to get at.

In life, we are going to face obstacles and numerous difficult circumstances and we have a choice.

Are we going to let the circumstances stop us from achieving our goals and dreams or are we going to take control of our life with God’s help and make our dreams come true?

For some people, taking time off and reflecting on their lives and the circumstances they are in help them to recover. I do not think there is anything wrong with that. I often take time to reflect on everything I am going through. 

However, I think that the problem occurs when we get stuck in an endless pit of circumstances and we forget that God is ultimately in control and that through Him, we can recover from any situation or difficult circumstance that comes our way.

As I shared in my life story, I was severely abused as a child. As I grew older, I started to date boys and it was very difficult for me. Some of them were very controlling. Because I had grown up in an abusive household, I learned to notice the signs right away, so I got out of those relationships very quickly. I was thinking about these different relationships I have been in and I realized that I made a positive choice to protect myself. It was not easy by any means.  But I took the control back that was lost when I was a child and it was incredibly empowering. I believe that no matter what interactions we have with others, we can either let others destroy us or build us up. We have God's strength inside of us through the Holy Spirit to help us and guide us through the difficult times.

Someone once told me something that I often think about. This person said to me, “Everyone has difficult things in their lives that they cannot control, but what’s important is how they react to these situations.”

We have an important choice to make about whether or not we let the "crap" of life rule our lives. Someone once said to me "You have been dealt some very difficult cards in your life, and you have a decision about how you are going to play your cards."

I could have let growing up in a household with a lot of drugs and abuse ruin my life, but I chose not to. The moment in which I remember making the critical promise to myself that I would never drink or do drugs was when I watched my last family member get arrested at 3:16 in the morning when I was 16. I was all alone the rest of the night and I cried myself to sleep, but I made that promise to myself and I have stuck to it.

I could have let my suicide attempt in 2009 stop me from graduating college and being successful, but I didn’t. I could have let the depression stop me from enjoying life, but I haven’t. I ended up graduating at the top of my class in the honors program.

Before you, it may seem like you have a huge mountain to climb, but those mountains have a beautiful view of the landscape. Only when you climb the mountains can you see the wonders of this beautiful world.

In the same way, going through the difficulties and succeeding in the end provides an opportunity to see your life in a different light. While I have gone through such great difficulties, I am always in awe when I step back and see all that God has done in my life. I am in awe of the grace and mercy He has shown towards me.

One of the best things I do when I face new difficulties is that I look back on all my obstacles and see how I have always beat the odds. When I doubt that God will help me through, that doubt dissipates as soon as I focus on how God has provided for me and strengthened me in ways that I never could have imagined.

People often ask how I have gone through so many difficulties and still be so focused on God. How could I be so close to Him? How could I love a God who allowed me to go through everything I have been through?

My answer to that is that I have no other choice than to be thankful to God and to have a strong faith and belief in Him. To me, there is no other choice than to be close to God. There have been too many times in my life in which I beat the odds to say that there is not a God. It was not me that saved myself from the fire as a child. It was God who guided me and helped me to call 911 when I needed to. It was God who strengthened me and spoke to me as a child being abused. It was God who strengthened me after my suicide attempt, telling me that it’s okay and that He forgives me and loves me. It was God who has been with me through ten hospitalizations and has strengthened me throughout living with mental illness. It is God who will continually guide me and help me through whatever storms are on their way, whatever mountains there are ahead of me which I have to climb.

You see, I do not believe that God wants our lives to be ruled by our circumstances. I believe that God gives us the strength we need to go through them. He holds our hand as we walk through the valleys and when we climb the mountains. He is there every step of the way in our lives, no matter what comes.

I want to leave with a song called Unstoppable by Kerrie Roberts. This song came on a Pandora playlist I was listening to and it is currently on replay a lot. The chorus says:

Anything is possible, possible

You gotta believe and see

That love is unstoppable

You can never go too far

Never be too gone 

That you can't turn it around

-Kerrie Roberts, Unstoppable Lyrics