The Long Road to a Small Victory

I did something today that was terrifying for me, but it was a major leap forward.

As I’ve been posting about over the past few days, my anxiety has increased. This morning, I was still very hypervigilant, so I decided to go to the butterfly exhibit after going to work for a few hours. As I was there, I sketched this picture. I do not draw a lot at all, but when I do, I find it very therapeutic and calming.

After going to the butterfly exhibit, I took my first big step. I called the doctor’s office which I am supposed to go to in about a month for my first appointment to try to see if they could increase my medication dose. However, they said that they could not do anything and I was told that the only way that I could have my medications adjusted was to go to the Emergency Room.

When I heard this, my heart started racing even more. Every possible awful scenario went through my head. If I go, then I’ll be stuck there for a week and then I’ll be forced to go on a medical leave and then I’ll end up homeless with nowhere to go and basically…my life will cease to exist.

As this cycling of thoughts happened, I realized that there was another side. There was a great possibility that I could go and that I would not end up staying. I realized that if I did not go to the ER to get my meds adjusted today, then the anxiety very well could continue to worsen. I realized that if I “nipped it in the bud” now, then I may be able to stop it from getting to a point in which I would be forced to stay in the hospital.

So I walked to the ER…

As they took my vitals, my blood pressure was abnormally high. Everybody at the hospital was very nice. I ended up being in and out of the ER in just over three hours. My medication was slightly adjusted and we talked about a plan in case my anxiety gets worse again. 

As I walked out of the ER, I felt like a huge burden had been lifted.

I texted a few people to let them know what happened (I only let one person know I went to the ER). I was searching Google Maps to see if I could find a nearby pharmacy and something pretty funny happened. For some reason, when I typed in “CVS,” Google Maps gave me a route from where I was to about five states away. Yeah, Google... I'm in the mood to walk thousands of miles to a pharmacy right after spending a few hours in an ER. Right.

As I thought about it, I laughed but then something occurred to me.

Sometimes, it takes a very long time to move forward. Sometimes we have to go a very long route or we have to wait a very long time in order to take very big leaps forward in our lives. It seems like the negativity never ends. The difficulties will never cease. There will always be mountains to climb. Sometimes that long route may seem extremely frustrating, but when we finally look back on everything we have endured and overcome, it is incredibly satisfying as we take the major steps forward necessary to live a fulfilling life.

Having mental illnesses is not easy. Not only because it is chronic and I have to deal with it every day. But because many people around me do not know what to say or do. I do not want pity. I do not want attention. I just want to move forward and become a whole person. There are many stigmas about mental illness that I and millions of other people have to deal with. I think that many people do not understand it so they try to avoid it.

But I am a human being, just like everybody else. I may have days when I think the FBI is after me or my doctor is Michelle Obama, but there are days when I wake up and I make a difference in the world and in the lives of those around me. Yes, some days are worse battles than others, but who of us can say that everything is easy? We all have struggles.

Part of writing this blog is to help others understand not only how my faith has helped me overcome huge obstacles and struggles in my life, but also to share my healing journey with others. Sometimes out of the most difficult things we are faced with in life come the greatest triumphs. I want others to know that no matter what struggles we have to deal with in this life, there is hope. And sometimes that hope rises after the storm.

Today was a victorious day for me...

So I leave you with this song.