Change

Yesterday, I went to group therapy and we did this exercise. It was after a difficult discussion with someone about moving forward and I felt that it was ironic that this was the exercise. And that I was the only one who showed up.

In case you can't read it, at the top it says "Why do people not change?" and around the circle it says "They can't," "They do not want to change," "They do not know what to change," and "They do not know how to change."

Below this circle were questions, "Which one are you? Why? What do you need to change?"

As I thought about the exercise and my conversation with the person earlier, I thought that I am closest to "They do not know how to change." I know that I am close to making big changes in my life and moving forward, but I'm still frustrated with having PTSD and paranoia. I don't really know how to explain my frustration. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back because of my illnesses when I want to take 10 steps forward.

I feel as if they are holding me back from what I could be. I'm still frustrated that I have flashbacks every single day and that the past is still interfering with my present. I want to move forward but a big part of me is still stuck in the past. I want to let go, but I don't know how. Maybe I am holding on? But it's not like I can just forget 23 years of trauma. Especially not with PTSD.

Do I believe I can be healed? Absolutely! Without a doubt. I'm just waiting for the answer to how. Maybe I'm searching in the wrong places? My dream is not to be stuck in the past. Absolutely not!  My dream is to move forward and not have the past overwhelm me anymore. Right now, that is my main goal.

I no longer want to be bogged down by the past. I want to make a big difference in this world. And I know I can't do that with one foot in the past.

This is one of my favorite songs about change...