New Years Resolutions

What is your New Years Resolution?

Here's mine and it has separate parts to it.

Listen better: Sometimes I have some trouble concentrating in a conversation or I'm so busy to reply that I unintentionally ignore them. I am willing to work o that this next year.

Don't be prideful. My pride has hurt a lot of people, especially those in college. In college, I was manic about 95% of the time. I thought I was invincible all the time. I think back to those times and I cringe. It hurts me to know that I hurt people. I'd like to work on humility.

Be more patient. Thanks to our 24/7/365 mentality, it is hard not to rush things. But we also must have fun in this life and take our time to enjoy every second of our lives.

Stay out of the hospital for another year. I just celebrated my 13th month anniversary of getting released from my last hospitalization. This is one of my largest resolutions.

Run a Half Marathon (13.1 miles) or a few 5Ks..Running is a great outlet for me to handle my symptoms. While I train, I raise money for many different charities.

Teach myself how to play piano better. I love playing and feeling surrounded by sound. Playing always calms me down.

Write a new song.

Crochet at least 200 scarves next fall/winter.

Spread love. Everyday people deserve to be loved no matter how difficult and seemingly futile it feels. Spreading love does not have to cost anything. Opening the door for someone or laughing with someone can make a difference.

Be Love

I was blessed to have received over 20 presents this year, which is much more than I received last year, which was none. I was overwhelmed by everybody's kindness and love towards me. I am honored and blessed.

A few of you know that my scarf project is coming to a close in a few weeks. My journey making over 150 scarves started as a way to distract myself from having flashbacks and being paranoid. However, I have been inspired to make more than I had planned, in order to challenge myself. My project has become somewhat of a tradition. This is my second year donating scarves. It has brought me a lot of peace and joy and hope. It has brought me confidence. Put simply, my scarf project has made my life easier and more meaningful.

On Tuesday of this past week, I shipped my second to last set of scarves to a soup kitchen to hand out to homeless people living on the streets.  Yesterday, I called over there to make sure they received them and the lady on the phone was ecstatic when she opened the box. I nearly cried tears of joy when I heard her reaction.

I am very excited about my scarf project and am still working on 9 more scarves.

Spread love. Be love. Feel love.

That's what Christmas is about. But we should not until one day to help others and love others.

We should spread unconditional love every minute, every hour, every day, and every year.

Sending out love, peace, joy, and hope to all of you.

World Peace

 I was bored just a second ago as I laid in my bed staring out the window. As I looked at the trees with only a few more leaves on them, I saw the twists and turns of the trees and their branches. It reminds me of how difficult life can be.

I thought back to a few days ago when a friend told me that America has been threatened by ISIS. When I first heard of the threat, I was terrified.

But why was I terrified? I'm not really scared of death.

I do not want to live in constant fear of ISIS, or any other terrorist.

Terrorism needs to end. Hate needs to end. If you're mad at someone, exchange your weapon for a pen and voice your opinion to someone else who can help. There is no room for discrimination. Or threats.

I do not know who will read this. That's ok. Because I see no point in threats and killing innocent people.

I am advocating for a more peaceful world.

I want to live in a world of peace, hope, joy and contentedness. And most importantly, unconditional love.

From early teens, I was having deep and dark thoughts. I was severely abused from 3 to 10 years old. I was homeless at one point. I lived out of a suitcase for almost a year. I lost my oldest brother to suicide. I have been diagnosed with a few mental illnesses.

But God didn't let those things stop me from living well. Life is precious because we are never guaranteed another second, minute, hour, day, or year.

I almost lost my life quite a few times, so I feel as if I am on borrowed time. Make the most of your life. Help those around you.

In fact, a lot of good can come from situations that are hard and seemingly futile.

So before you become terrified about terrorism, remind yourself to fight for worldwide peace, because it takes each of us.

Letter to the One Year Ago Me

Dearest Chelsea at age 25 (a year ago),,

If you had told me the journey that would unfold in the last year, I know you would never have believed you. Nor would I ever believe that you could make it a whole year without being hospitalized.

But you did make it through the year.

Last year, today, you moved into a group home in order to leave a very toxic relationship with a family member. You were shy. You were terrified. But you knew that moving out was the best decision. The day you left the hospital last year on November 25, you were introduced to all new people in your life. You had to be courageous enough to believe that everyone was there for you. You knew that this was your new life. You knew that this new life would be much happier and more joyful.

And it has been. It's been a wild and crazy ride but most importantly, I have learned how to deal with our disorders (schizophrenia, bipolar and PTSD). We are not our illnesses. We are our strength. We are our hope. We are our light. We are our peace.

I'm sorry for all the negative things that have happened in the past year, but I see now that you have gained peace and strength through it all. Every second of this life is precious. You were reminded of that when you lost a friend earlier this week. Life is beautiful even on the rough days.

We know through our strength that we can conquer anything.

But most importantly, you have found out what it truly means to live., and to be happy, healthy and whole.

Sincerely,
your 26 year old self

A Peaceful World

In case you've been living under a rock, you know that our nation and our world are in turmoil. But it does not have to be that way. All of us can take a stand for peace, light over darkness and love over hatred and anger.

Call me crazy but I wholeheartedly believe that we can spread hope, light and love around the world. It begins with small steps that each of us take. As a collective group, we can change the world for the better. Who said we were destined for this chaotic place we call home to always be full of war, terrorism and hatred/racism?

Unconditional love.
Say that again.
Unconditional love.

We are called to love everyone, no matter what they've done, who they really are, or where they are going.

I wish most of all that my dream of a peaceful world would come into fruition.

So here are some ways that you can add to the positive, peaceful change in the world we live in.

1. Do not hate anyone. Personally, I was abused in every way for many years, even into my adulthood. I do not hate those who hurt me. Hate takes too much effort. Instead I see those difficult times as opportunities to learn from their mistakes and to spread the message of love to everyone I know. Rather than dwelling on the people who have hurt me makes me angry.

2. Do not judge. I cannot even begin to tell how many times it says that in the Bible, but people do not usually take the time to sit down and see how they are judging others and/or their current situation. It is very normal to judge but it is worth the effort to stop judging others or hold grudges. No one is immune to this but I can tell from experience that it takes more effort to judge someone than to not judge. It brings out the "peace that surpasses all understanding.

3. Random Acts of Kindness. I make it a priority to help at least one person every day. Whether it's opening the door to people with full hands or it's saying thank you to an unappreciated person, you can change their day and possibly start a "pay it forward" movement. Too many people suffer through the day. Too many people need just one kind person in their day.

Some of you know that I am working on a project to spread love. Since August, I have hand crocheted 144 scarves for 5 different charities across the country and around the world..There are so many opportunities in this life to give of our time, money and patience.

Trust me, acts of kindness are what make this life awesome.

4. Be the change inside of you that would allow you to bring peace into your life and those who surround you. Sometimes we get frustrated easily. Sometimes we are angry or say something negative to others. It does not always have to be that way. Choose something you want to work on to be a more peaceful person or to bring more positivity into your life. You really can change your life. And in turn, you can bring more joy to those around you.

5. Do not dwell on the negativity. This is very hard for me, as I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder IPTSD), in which I relive some of the most difficult times in my life. No matter how many flashbacks/memories I have in a day, I have the decision of whether I can let them rule my life or how I can rule them. Moving to a more peaceful world, it is necessary to think of positive things, like the birth of a new baby, a funny cat video or a video of a soldier coming home to surprise his/her child(ren). Laughter and smiles can change the world for each of us.

Let peace surround you and those around you as well.

Let Us Love

I have no TV. I do not watch the news. I do not really pay attention to the news online either.

However, I found out what is going on at University of Missouri via Facebook. Even then, I do not want to know all the details, because I am upset that this is happening in 2015. I feel that as a world, we need to spread love around the world.

This is what I just wrote on my Facebook:

Racism has no place in the world. Neither does discrimination. Neither does fear for the safety of one's life. According to the Bible, perfect love casts out fear. No matter where we are during our precious walk in this process we call life, we should aim to show unconditional love. That is, a love that knows no bounds and brings us together no matter how different we are. I pray every night that our world becomes a more positive and peaceful place. I pray that I can make a difference in this world, as I believe all of us are called to. It saddens me to hear of recent events. This hatred needs to stop. Unconditional love needs to be rooted in all of our hearts, actions and reactions. We will never be perfect enough to not make mistakes, but I believe that we, as a nation, can come together as human beings and not dwell on our differences. It is all of our differences that make this life so beautiful. Show love. Aim for peace. And stand up for the silent.

It is up to each of us to choose love over hate, peace over turmoil, and light over darkness. This is true in all facets of life and all the interactions we have with each other.

I cannot speak for everyone on this earth but I look forward to the day where  racism and discrimination are no longer. Gone. No more.

Gone.

So when you hear more news about the current situation, know that you have a choice to make. You can decide if you want to bring positive change into your life and the other lives around you or you can stay stuck in darkness.

All of us are human beings and nobody is perfect and absolutely nobody should be the target of racism and discrimination.

Let us love.

Gone Now

Today was just a typical day but today was a monumental day for me.

I am currently not covered under my father's insurance for the first time since I knew what insurance was.

His insurance was the last tie I had to him. Now that is gone.

My father has never really been a father to me. Not even close. I even have a restraining order against him. He's done unspeakable things to me and my family..

I have to say that today was one of the best days of my life, even though I still struggled with symptoms of PTSD, caused by my father and some other family members.

After years of going to different doctors, hospitals and mental health inpatient and outpatient services, I am so relieved. You see, all those years, I had to tell the secretaries that I had no contact with him and had none of his information. Sometimes the people at the front desk were frustrated that I couldn't tell them anything about him. Same old story, different doctor.

That's gone now.

I'm done, father. I'm done.

No longer do you have any control over me.

I Love Life

My boyfriend (ex now) broke up with me earlier this past week. I still am in the processing phase and possibly the Serenity Prayer phase.

Folks, life is not easy and, for some, that is an understatement.

But do our lives stop when difficult things happen?

No, not at all.
In fact, life starts a new phase every time we overcome something or deal with it in a healthy manner.

Every day we live, we make choices about our reactions. It's almost as if we have a new life or a new start every morning. You can be stuck in the pain or you can climb out of the pit.

Me, I get up and start running every morning because 6 years ago I fractured vertebrae in my back and the doctors said I was lucky to survive and lucky not to have a spinal cord injury.

Running is a constant reminder for me of how blessed I am to still be alive, even though I am processing a hard breakup as well as trying to figure out a dire situation with my insurance.

Even on the most futile days of my life, I love life.

6 Years Ago

6 Years Ago, I nearly lost my life to a suicide attempt. A very serious one that almost resulted in a spinal cord injury.

6 Years Ago, I never could have imagined where life was going to take me in the next 6 Years.. All of the positive moments that I would never have gone through if I had not survived.

6 Years Ago, I said "This is it." And God said "Nope."

6 Years Ago, this day was the start of a brand new life.

In those 6 Years, I received my Bachelors of Science in Bioengineering  Magna Cum Laude and in the Honors Program. I received my Masters of Science in Biomedical Engineering as well. I've become a published writer. I have raised over $500 for charities around the world just by training for my first Half Marathon, a feat that I never thought would happen as I fractured several vertebrae in my lower back 6 Years Ago. I've made and donated a few hundred scarves. I have donated a gallon of blood and I've donated my hair three times. I have donated my time to a children's after school program and multiple food pantries. I have participated in various fundraisers, including Relay for Life. I choose very carefully how I am going to use my time and energy to make the most out of my borrowed time. I want to make the most of every day I still have in this life.

I've aim to better my life and to move through the difficult times.

Most of all, I am managing my mental illnesses much better than I thought I would. I had a really rough time last week, but I was able to make it through without going to the hospital. I am lucky to have the support of so many people.

Thank you to all those who have offered support, encouragement and love to me. I would not be still fighting if it were not for you.

Octobers the Month

This week was one of the most difficult weeks I have had in a long time. I dealt with severe symptoms every day, including paranoia, depression and flashbacks.

October is always the worst month for me. October 21 will be the 6 year anniversary of my most serious suicide attempt, in which I was told I should not be alive and that I should never be able to walk again. Last year, my brother went missing for 4 days and I moved out of my mother's house on October 28th and was hospitalized a few days later. When I was a child, I was stuck in a house fire in the fall.

Fall has a sort of drastic change in weather from Summer and it has always been a hard time for me. I feel a lot of inner turmoil when the leaves change color and the air is cold. I think my brain subconsciously remembers all the negative events that have happened in October. Sometimes the memories pass through my subconscious and I remember them,

Sometimes I wish that I did not remember everything that happens in my psychotic and paranoid states but I do. I not only have flashbacks of childhood abuse, but I also have them from other negative and stressful memories throughout my life. I even remember most of my childhood dreams and nightmares. I wish I did not have this extraordinary memory of negative memories but I do. I guess it could be considered part of the fact that my IQ is in the 99th percentile.

I have the power inside to stop this cycle of symptoms in October. Sometimes it does not feel like I do. But I do. All of us hold a power within us to stop the negative.

Walking for Wellness 2015

On October 10, 2015, I participated in a Walkathon to raise money for Bridgeway, an amazing organization that helps those with mental illness recover.

I was in awe at the walkathon, because I saw people of all ages, all parts of the journey to recovery. Mental illness is seen across our country and throughout the world.

Most of you know by now that I struggle with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. I'm open about my mental illnesses because I want to raise awareness to the tremendous difficulties that people with mental illnesses live with. I was VP for the Syracuse University NAMI chapter when I was in college. I spoke in a few classes about my life journey living with the illnesses. Mental illness did not stop me from receiving my Masters in Biomedical Engineerin despite having serious symptoms during my graduate school career.

It takes a ton of courage to live with a chronic illness, let alone one that most people push to the side due to stigmatization.

I want to say that during the whole walk, I was not ashamed of my illnesses. I am not ashamed of it to begin with, as it is something that God has brought into my life. Not really something I'd ask for but going through the healing process is absolutely beautiful. Some days are more arduous than others, but most days are wonderful. Even though I live with symptoms every single day, I wake up because this journey called life is interesting and worth fighting through.

I am proud to live with mental illness because it has made me stronger than I would have been without it. It has made my life worth living since it gives me something to work on and become healthy. I am one who enjoys challenges, as most of you know I am training for my first Half Marathon.

The energy at the walkathon was amazing. People helping people. People cheering for each other. People financially supporting the program.

That kind of support, love and encouragement is why I love the program.

As I write this, I am teary-eyed thinking about the walkathon.

Beautiful. Healing. Powerful. Inspirational. Magical. Thank you Bridgeway.

Just Keep Swimming

I have not written in a little bit but I feel like I have something important to share.

For the past two days, I have endured terrifying paranoid episodes and more flashbacks than I usually have. I am just happy that I got through each day at this point. Challenges in life bring out our greatest and most beautiful strengths, no matter how deep and how scary those challenges are.

For those who do not know me that well, I deal with many symptoms, including paranoia, psychosis, hallucinations, flashbacks, nightmares, mania and depression. To put it simply, my life can become interesting quickly.

I do not really know what has caused the recent episodes. However, I have had some stressful events come up this week.

When I had the episodes, I thought everyone around me was a spy for the FBI. Just like that, my world was terrifying and very difficult to deal with. But I took a medication and used skills to get out of the paranoia and I slowly calmed down.

I believe there are a bunch of things at play when I am paranoid. All through my life, I've had people who I was supposed to trust hurt me deeply, so why would I trust semi-new people in my life? Do they believe me when I tell them everything I've been through? Will they hurt me like many people have done to me before? Are there ulterior motives? How do I know that they have my best interests when I've been abused for the first 25 years of my life?

Either way, I am going to wake up tomorrow to face another day, because I gather my strength from God above. If it were not for His unconditional love, I would not be as strong as I am. We can trust in Him even on the darkest days.

Nothing is Impossible

Wow! Where do I start?! I am seriously overwhelmed by how many people encouraged me and said kind words to me the past few days. I received devastating news last Thursday morning. Since then, I've had bouts of crying and sobbing since last Thursday.

I posted about this on my FB account but more than anything, I have learned to control my reactions to difficult things and news. I will always have schizoaffective disorder and PTSD, but I can deal with it. My family will always be challenging to deal with, but I can get through the rough times. I've gotten this far, haven't I?

Some people think I'm inspiring or an inspiration, but I feel like I am living my life in the best way I can. I feel very deeply that we can make a difference on this planet if we do random acts of kindness or help make someone's day or listen to a friend. It does not have to be a big thing. Just spread the love of God.

Some people wonder how or why I love after being abused by my family. It is through others helping me along life's twists and turns that I have learned how to love. I also learned about unconditional love through experiencing the love of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

I aim to spread that love around the world.

I am grateful for my Scarf Project, a project that I started a few months ago. I have crocheted 91 scarves for charities. Needless to say, crocheting is a huge coping skill for me. I recently delivered and shipped my first 75 scarves to 3 charities.

It truly is better to give than receive.

I talked to someone a few months ago about my goal of 75 and they said it was an "unrealistic goal." Well, I would like to thank that person because due to their lack of support, I pushed myself further and achieved the 75 goal.

And now I am on my way to 175 scarves this winter.

I'll leave you with this... With God nothing is impossible.

Nine Months

Something happened today that, last year, I never thought would happen. Today, I celebrated my 9 month anniversary of leaving my last hospital visit. Sounds like a small feat to many, but living with severe mental illnesses is no small feat. I was hospitalized 12 times between 2005 and fall 2014. Hopefully, I stopped the cycle.

Currently, I feel healthy and happy. I am content with life, even when I have symptoms. I have learned how to deal with the difficult symptoms.

I continue to participate in treatment, through which I have learned many new skills and have been reminded of old skills that have worked.

The day I left the hospital, I moved many miles away from anybody I knew. It was one of the most challenging days of my life. When I look at it now, I have grown tremendously through the new beginning of my life. I have made many friends. I have gained a ton of nice and beautiful moments in my life, including dating.

I am finally leading a "normal 26-year-old life with busy weekends hanging out with friends and dating a wonderful man.

Truly nothing is impossible.

Each day, I do activities that I enjoy doing, including crocheting scarves and running for charities. I also play piano and sing.

I am blessed...

My life changed for the better 9 months ago. It is amazing how much good can come in 9 months...

Running Towards, Not Away

Where do I begin talking about this week?! This week was awesome, fantastic, supercalifragilistically amazing, terrific and beautiful..

Why?

Well, I challenged myself bigtime in terms of dealing with my symptoms. Usually I try to steer away from difficult conversations and situations. In fact, I usually run away. Literally.

But after last weekend when I hung out with friends and saw a movie even though I was scared of being paranoid, I realized that I needed to push myself more.

I did not run from the difficulties this week. I decided to take my life back and fight the good fight even more than usual.

That is huge progress for me, as I have PTSD and most times I run away, as I mentioned. This avoidance is classic for PTSD. But I put myself in situations that challenged me. And if I thought I would leave the situation or conversation, I purposely put myself in a spot where it would purposely be difficult to leave.

It is not that I do not have symptoms, Trust me, I had them every day this week. Multiple times a day. That was what made it even more meaningful when I did not run away.

The most poignant part of my beautiful week was that I went to ShopRite a few hours ago. Not just a ShopRite, but one of the most busy and hectic ShopRites in my area. In fact, I am known to have paranoid breakdowns in that store.

However, I went in by myself and breezed through the store, something I never thought I would ever say.

What a wonderful end to this week.

Better yet, I have been prescribed a PRN, which is an as-needed medication, for my anxiety. I was due for getting a refill a few days ago. But I did not get it refilled because I still have 38 pills, enough for 19 more days. I just find that I do not need it anymore.

Progress, not perfection, y'all.

This life is a journey.

Letter to my inner child

As a young child through to my adulthood, I have been abused by multiple family members. I am working on healing and being there for my inner child as I cope with the endless memories and  flashbacks of traumatic experiences. I wrote this letter to my inner child.

Dear my inner child,

I think about you a lot, especially because of the flashbacks and nightmares of child abuse.

I want to hug you and tell you that everything will be better. I want to hold you in my arms and help you cry, since you were never allowed to cry in front of one of your abusers.

I want you to heal. I want us to heal,

You deserve to heal.

I am so sorry you were not protected when you should have been. But you are safe in my arms. Together, we will run into a better life, where we know that God loves us, no matter how much we've been unloved.

I will tell you that you did not deserve what happened or what is happening to you.

Together we can heal.

You deserve to be loved. We deserve to be loved.

Hang in there, inner child,, We will heal, day by day. Just imagine us walking together by the ocean, the seashells sending messages of love and healing over time. Over time shells can go from sharp to smooth, just like our journey together.

Every flashback I have is a chance for us to be whole and together.

I am so sorry for everything you've been through but things can and will get better.

I love you, my inner child. I want to remember that childhood is a chance to find joy. Let us both feel joy in our own way, each and every day.

We willl get through this. Trust me.

Love,
your adult self

Letter to 13 year old me

Dear 13 year old me,

I am sorry that the flashbacks are starting, and as I speak, I am 26 and I still have to deal with them daily as well as nightmares. I'm sorry you have to go thorugh this because this is the first time you fully realized what was done to you by members of your own famiy.It is the first time you are opening up. You will learn quickly that most people do not believe you. But I encourage you to find your voice, as you will do when you are olde.r. 13 years old is the first age you were when someone finally put a name to what you are experiencing: PTSD.

I am sorry that you are experiencing the first symptoms of the schizophrenia which you will not  be diagnosed  with until age 24. I remember the nights you lived alone at 13 because your mother was always with her boyfriend. I understand your feelings of not being cared for or betrayed or abandoned. You will find that those feelimgs are normal and that there really are people who care about you and love you.

I know you will get through this because you've had the strength all along. It is not easy. Nobody told you that you also have bipolar nor that you attempted suicide plenty of times to excape the psychological pain.

Fortunately,you were unsuccesful. I am so thankful you and I are still here now.

You have a lot of strength inside of you, more than you could ever imagine.

Take care of yourself. I wish someone cared more about you. Most of the other people in your life do not believe you when you share the child abuse that you went through. But I believe you.

I say I also believe in you,

Because you've made it to age 26. You will continue to grow and find your way.

If I told you how much you've gone through your entire life up til 26 years old,, you pobably would not believe it. But with hope, you can do anything.

I want to tell you that you are not an accident, no matter who tells you that you are. You're here for a reason.

Find that reason.

Love,
your 26 year old self

A Stormy Day

I started this blog to  chronicle my life living with severe mental illnesses. And I am going to be very honest and tell it like it is.

My paranoia and flashbacks have been acting up a lot in the past 2 weeks. I have no idea why. I have not missed a dose of medication. No life-alteirng events. Nothing. And add to that a mixture of depression and life is just great.

Not really. When things get rough, I usually tend to put on a face like everything is okay.

Today I nearly lost it when I yelled "F*** this S***." My sentiments exactly. How long do I have to endure this crap? If only I could curse out the demons living in my mind. If only I had a magic wand.

Here is what I wrote iny journal.

"I cannot help it when I get triggered. The flashbacks just come and go. I feel like I don't have any control over them. They feel like they are never going to stop.

There were a lot of flashbacks and paranoia today. I've been paranoid a lot lately this week. Paranoia is tremendously frustrating and frightening. It feels like it will never end, just like the flashbaqcks. I wish I had a magic wand that would take them away. I really wish I had one. It would be a dream come true. I just want to get through this.

Is this the real world? Or is the world full of people laughing at me, fooling around with me or talking badly about me? They all think I am a fool, or better yet, a burden, I feel like such a bother. Why do thhey even bother trying to help me? I feel like a lost cause. I hate feeling this, but that's the truth. Nobody can help me.

I feel so alone. Noone understands how difficult each day is sometimes. Why would they even try?

I will get through this."

Letter to my earthly father

Hi “earthly father,”

I will never lose the images and videos of things you’ve done to me and other family members that I am inundated with each and every day.

I remember watching you punching, kicking and throwing my mother to the ground as you nearly murdered her in front of me as a 6 year old. And then you have the audacity to tell me years later that you were “hugging” her. What you don’t remember is that I watched all of it and I will never forget the incessant screams of my mother trying to get you to stop. “STOP!” Her screams sometimes overwhelm me in the flashbacks I have every day of this incident.

Then comes what you did to me. You abused me in every form for years, even during supervised visits. All I can say is that I wish you were in jail for the rest of your life. It’s not fair that I have to deal with flashbacks and nightmares  every day of my life and you only got “a slap on the wrist.,” It’s not fair. It is NOT FAIR.

Due to my daily flashbacks, I have thousands of memories of you.  99.9% of them are negative and terrifying, I do not think I will ever forget them. I’ve come to the realization that I will always deal with them.

You cannot take my strong spirit from me, the same warrior within me that has gotten me this far in 26 years. No  matter the amount of flashbacks come, I will always fight through the rest of my life. and there is nothing you can do to stop me from fighting.

-CK

God Day

The past few days have been rough for me because of Father's Day coming up. To me, I believe that I never had a father. What you call my "earthly father" did nothing for me and only did evil things to me. He severely abusee me in every form as a child and throughout my life. He has also harassed as a young adult.

I was told by someone that I should journal this weekend. Part of my plan is to not go online to social media in the next two days to try to alleviate my symptoms (namely flashbacks, nightmares and paranoia).

Growing up, as I realized what was done to me and what was happening to me was not correct, I started missing church services due to the fact that on Father's Day, I had to listen to the pastors talk about all the positive things that fathers are and do. I celebrate what I like to call "God Day" in honor of my true Father. You see, this was very difficult since my "earthly father" used to call himself God. He used to send me cards with his business card along with handwritten messages which ended with "Your One and Only Father" or "Your True Father." It took years of therapy and going to church for me to realize that God is a good God, nothing like my "earthly father."

When I was a teenager dealing with early symptoms of PTSD due to my "earthly father's" abuse, I went through a phase where I got rid of all the photos of me and my "earthly father." I tried to erase those photos but I could not and still cannot escape the painful memories and flashbacks.

The reason I am sharing this is not for pity; it is to be a voice to the many children and adults around the world without a father, who never had a good father or who has lost a good father. This so-called celebration of good fathers can be very difficult for us. I ask that you say a prayer on Sunday for us.

God is our refuge and true Father. He is a gracious and good Father, even when the going gets rough. He is our True Rock and Fortress, Comforter and Healer.

Happy early God Day!

If you are one of "us" (the people who find this holiday difficult), please take care of yourself.

I want to leave with one of my favorite songs of all-time. I used to listen to this song on my way to therapy when I was a young teenager. Believe it or not, I used to listen to it on a portable CD player. It reminded me every single time I listened to it that there are a lot of people in my position who lack a father figure in their lives and that God truly is "Father to the Fatherless." Pardon that this is a Christmas song. I listened to it all year round. The fact is, the message from this song can be found throughout the year.

Stuck in another world

Lately, life has been difficult on many levels. But today was one of the worst days I have had in awhile. I want people to understand how arduous living with mental illnesses can be. On any given day, I deal with flashbacks, nightmares, paranoia, psychosis, mania and depression. As you may expect, I need to take each day on its own and make the most of my life here on earth meaningful, even on the rough days.

I'm not saying all of the stuff that I deal with to gain pity. I hate pity and it has not helped me get this far. Rather I want to focus on my strengths as a person. I was absolutely bombarded today with flashbacks of abuse I have endured my entire life by several family members.

Sometimes even I do not know how I got from there to here, but this ride has been a unique one, one riddled with obstacles.. I mean, not only have I been through rough circumstances, but I also have to deal with daily going back there. "There" is another world full of darkness and event in my life that I would rather forget. That is another world I hate to visit, but some days there is no way around the symptoms, so I need to go "there".

I find that strength comes out of the deepest darkness we experience in life. Today, I cried and for me, that's a huge step because most times I cry in my mind and only in my mind. I don't like to visit the darkness, if only to mourn the loss of everything I've lost. I don't like others to see me cry. I'm one that cries alone and sobs quietly. I try to focus on the positive.

Paranoise

To be honest, I have not been to a church service in over a year. It's not that I am not a Christian. But for me, I had some major paranoid episodes the few weeks before I chose not to go back for awhile.

Paranoia can be terrifying. I could not even sit still in the service. I constantly had to get up and go to the entrance doors to see if the FBI was outside. I hallucinated sirens almost the whole service. I cut my last service short because I could not stand my paranoia

May I repeat,,, Paranoia can be terrifying. I also thought the pastors wanted me out of the church. I felt like I could not put a voice to what I was dealing with.

I still am fearful to go back to a church because sometimes I feel like people are gong to judge me without me explaining what I am going through. Or maybe they they will think I don't have the Holy Spirit in me, which I do. I'm just having a hard time like everyone has. Nobody is immune to the mountains that need to be climbed in life.

What I can say is that God loves me unconditionally.

This morning I went for a run as I listened to Hillsong worship songs I felt God's presence in me. After a rough week of fighting paranoia. psychosis and flashbacks, I needed it.

Nobody is immune   to God's work in our lives..

The Naysayers

I just FB'd a post that I will share here on my blog. To me, it is a reminder of how resilient human beings can be. I was on the computer for most of the day looking up jobs in cancer research. A part of me is doubting whether I can handle a job or not at this point. I'm still not sure of that answer but I want to be ready at some point in the near future.

Here is my FB post:

In my first year in high school, I was in remedial biology and language arts. I now have an MS in Biomedical Engineering and have had some of my writing published,

In college, I told a professor that my goal was to get straight A's during a semester despite taking an overload of courses. He said there was no way I could do that. I got an A in his course and every other course that semester. That same professor said I should have gone to an Ivy League university.

After a serious back injury in 2009, the doctors were not sure if I'd ever be able to walk again. Well, I am currently running 3-6 miles a day during training for my first half marathon.

In my second semester of graduate school, I had 3 hospitalizations and missed nearly half the semester. My doctors told me not to go back to school because I would certainly fail the semester. Well, I went back to school and got A's and B's. I went on to graduate.

I currently am struggling with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD and when the days get rough, I remind myself of all my naysayers in my life and defeat the challenges. I think I oughta thank them since they have pushed me to disprove them.

Never let others determine your future. I sincerely believe that one can do anything in life if they put their mind to it.

6 Month Anniversary

Today is my 6-month anniversary of being released  from my last hospitalization after being hospitalized 12 times in the last 10 years.Today is a momentous occasion for me because I am finally learning to deal with my mental health.

I was able to visit with a friend that I have not seen in months and it was a huge blessing to meet up and visit, It made my year.

I have a lot going for me. I am seriously working on my running so that I can do my first Half Marathon in a few months. I have had something that I shared with a few people published. I am working on my second song I've ever written.

I enjoy every day, no matter what happens.

And most important, I have not had suicidal thoughts in over 6 months (my last time was when I was in the hospital). I can deeply and honestly say that I am just so happy to be alive, and I know this is not the mania. This is for real. I still have difficult days but I see that my life has a lot of meaning and purpose.,

Thanks for all the help from those who have supported me this past 6 months.

My next goal is 5 years. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me.

Feeling Content from There to Here

Today is Mental Health Blog Day and here is my post for today's event...

 

 

Where do I begin? Well, let me start at the beginning of my long and in-depth journey through living with multiple mental illnesses...

No, maybe I should start from my experiences dealing with them right now...

I have had 12 hospitalizations from the age of 15, over 30 medications tried, and many diagnoses thrown at me. I suffer, no I struggle, daily with hallucinations, paranoia, psychosis, flashbacks, nightmares, mania and depression. I said that I prefer to use the terminology of struggle over suffer because I don't really believe I suffer from these symptoms. In many ways, I am content no matter if I have the symptoms or not. They are just an extra pat of life that God has placed in my life.

To me, there is always hope. Even on the most challenging days. Even on those rare, bleak days when I feel like I should just call it a day. And despite my mental illnesses, those days are few and far-between.

I choose to remain positive, no matter what that entails.

That's not always easy, but I choose to not give up. I want to fulfill my dreams. I have dreams that I am currently working on, one of them being running in the NYC Marathon. You see, I am a dream-oriented person, even more so than a goal-oriented person. I find that there is a lot of joy in achieving my outlandish dreams. Outlandish to others, but not to me. I truly believe that I can achieve anything I dream of.

I come from a family full of alcoholism, drug abuse, abuse (all types), neglect, homelessness and loss (including my oldest brother to suicide in 2007). Some people wonder how I got from there to here. Although I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions, most of them have been an impulse response to outlandish states of paranoia and psychosis. I do not easily give up. But when my mind goes there, it almost cannot stop.

Currently I am not focusing on getting rid of the symptoms but rather focusing on how to get through life with them. That is the only true way of getting through the hardest days.

Some of my first initial struggles with mental illness was through a long period of neglect by my mother. She was rarely at home during the nights and early mornings. I used to be terrified about being alone on dark nights. This was my first experience with being paranoid. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, imagining that my mother was gone due to a car accident. I used to be frightened almost every night for 3 or so years. I had to get myself up every morning and go to school. For most of my life, I have had to care for myself more than normal since I did not have responsible parents. I believe all of this has made me a strong person.

I think the most meaningful reason for my still living in this world is knowing that I have made a difference in the lives of many around me.

Ultimately, I am a fighter and I will continue to make my life meaningful.

 

Letter to my Future Child(ren)

Dearest future son and/or daughter,

I have heard that being a mother is one of the most difficult but most rewarding “jobs” in the world. But you see, I do not think of it as a job. I see it as a beautiful and wonderful part of life for a woman. I am extremely excited about you coming into my life.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and I promise that I will take care of you more than I have ever cared for someone or something before.

I promise that though I am bound to make mistakes, I will learn from them and that I will love you unconditionally, even on the hardest days.

If you are LGBT, I promise that I will love you until my last day here on earth. I will remind you how much courage God has given you to face the challenges of being different. I will remind you that you are always loved by me. I will not judge you. Instead, I will be proud of you. You will always be my wonderful child. I know that nothing about you is an accident and that you are an amazing part of my life,

If you are adopted by me, I will love you as if you are my birth child. I will not look at you differently. I will help you grow and help you create the life you want to have. I will love you unconditionally and I will learn how to be the best mother I can be for you. I will be there for you if and when you find yourself wondering about your birth parents.

If you are disabled, I will tell you that I am disabled as well and that I will help you through daily life meeting the tough times. I will look beyond your disability and help you achieve any goals or dreams you have.  I will teach you that the impossible can be possible. I will not look at you differently. You see, I have worked with hundreds of children and adults with special needs and I will be proud to be your mother. I will guide you through challenging days. I will help you to know your capabilities and not to focus on what you cannot do. Because this world needs you. I need you.

If you are different in any other way, I will embrace your differences and never stop loving you. After all, our differences are what make our lives exciting, not dull.

Now a few things you should know about me is that I struggle daily with Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar 1 type, and PTSD. I daily struggle with hallucinations, paranoia, flashbacks, psychosis, mania and depression. But that does not stop me from loving you or making your life worth living. I face my own challenges and want to help you do the same.

I believe in God. I feel God’s presence when I am running or walking through nature. God is not a distant God. He helps me get through each day and I know He will help me to raise you in the best possible way I can. I learned unconditional love through God’s love towards me. I know that we are all special and loved by Him, no matter if He feels distant or not.

I love to run. Currently, I am training for a Half Marathon. I want to run in the NYC Marathon within the next 5 years. Running the marathon is a dream of mine and I will teach you as you grow up to reach for your dreams. Follow your dreams. They are what make this life so beautiful.  When I run, I raise money for charities. I want to show you how to make a difference in the lives of many and that caring for others Is an important part of life.

I will undoubtedly not be a perfect mother or even the best mother in the world but I promise I will aim to be the best mother I can be for you.

Dearest son and/or daughter, I cannot wait until you enter into this world. I know that you are going to make a difference in all of the lives of the people around you, especially mine. I cannot wait to hold you and hug you. I cannot wait to make you giggle. I cannot wait to let you know that you are beautiful and that you are loved, no matter what. I cannot wait to help you dream and then follow your dreams. I cannot wait to watch you grow.

 

Where I Find God

I started this blog/website a few years ago to help others know what life is like when faced with severe illness, mental specifically. I wanted to let people in on my life as I deal with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD.,

To tell you the truth, somedays are really hard. I graduated with my Masters degree in Biomedical Engineering, despite my illnesses getting worse and worse. However, I have not worked in a little less than 2 years. I cannot even go to work without having paranoid symptoms. Sometimes I find myself even having trouble going to the grocery store.

Along with struggling with parnoia, I have daily struggles with hallucinations (visual and audio), mania, depression, psychosis and intense flashbacks.

Yes, I daily struggle, but to be completely honest, I love the life I have, despite the countless struggles I have faced and face daily.

Everyone on this earth has something that they struggle with. I believe we are called to make the most of the short life we are given.

I do not watch TV. I do not own a TV. I dont want to own a TV, Even still, I hear a lot of news on Facebook. I heard about the recent riots, That deeply saddens me that there is not more peace around the world. Why can't we just love others?

For me, recemtly, I feel that I am called to fulfill my dream to run in the NYC marathon. Running is an escape for me. I love running with Christin music blasting through my ear. There is nothing so powerful. Every time I run or walk I am able to raise money for charities.

As a little child, growing up in a toxic childhood, I quickly gravitated to the woods behind my house. That was where I first encountered God, even despite surviving severe abuse. I feel Gods presence when I run, surrounded by the creations of God. There is something very motivating and inspiring about feeling God''s presence. I can't really put it into words.

I have not felt God's presence in a few months. But when I ran down a triail close to my new home a few days ago, I felt Him in a way that I have not in a long time. Nature is magical like that. It is where I go to meet God. It is where I am remindeed how truly beautiful this life really is.  Nature is where I feel peace within...

Free and Strong

A day in October not long ago could have been a different day. By nearly missing an injury to my spinal cord, I instead had burst fractures in my lower vertebrae. The first night in the ER after falling 30-40 feet/a 4 story building the doctors did not know if I'd ever walk again. After doing multiple scans and tests, they found that I would not even need surgery and I had to wear a back brace for 3 months.

Fast forward a few years when I started running.

Someone asked me this past week how it feels to run.

Every time I run, I feel strong and free. There just are no words to do justice to talk about the great feelings that coarse through my veins as I run. Nothing can stop me. My paranoia and anxiety go away when I run. I love how the wind whips through my hair.

I am training for a Half Marathon sometime this year. I have already begun my search for smaller races (5K/10K).

Meanwhile, I have been running 2-5 milses a day...Running and sprinting. Running a mile takes me about 6:30-7:30 minutes. Sprintig a mile currently takes me 2:30 minutes., although I usually break the mile into pieces.

Free
and
Strong.

Onward I fight my mental illnesses through exercise. Nothing else like it.

Coming to Terms

So how long have I been apart from this blog? Enough to notice that there are more than 40,000 views. I started this blog a few years ago in graduate school paranoid as anything. I remember how hard it was to even get out of my apartment.

Since graduating with my Masters degree in Biomedical Engineering, my life has continued to pile on more difficulties, to the point that I have not been able to work..

But I am still here.
That is not a small feat.

I am on a journey now in taking time for myself to come to terms with my mental illnesses, learning steps to deal with my illnesses..

It's not that easy.

I am on a good medication regimen (11-13 pills a day) and I have to stay on these medications every single day. If I don't I decompensate in a matter of hours to the most crazy, terrifying psychotic/paranoid shutdown.

I haven't had many shutdowns lately, but I have to admit that I had a serious breakdown at the grocery store a couple weeks ago. Same old, same old paranoia and psychosis. No matter if it is the same symptoms. It was terrifying. The FBI. The government. They can read my mind, because I hear their voices responding to my thoughts. I see people staring at me. They all are talking about me, watching my every move. What's wrong with me?

Won't this ever stop?
I don't know but I feel good where I am. I get better each and every day.

Coming to terms with life. Coming to terms with my illnesses.

Not easy but doable.

No matter how bad my condition, I hope I never lose the fighter within me.. Because I am giving this life all I got. Setbacks may be hard sometimes but what matters most is to take it day by day. Life is worth it.

THe Paranoid World

I do not think that most people understand what paranoia is. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar I) and PTSD.

I am currently on 5 medications and  take 11 pills each day to stay somewhat normalized. I say "somewhat" because there are points in which they do not stop my paranoia., The only way I have found to getting rid of the paranoia (if not severe) is to do rrality checks, although people do not really enjoy me aksing all these questions just to gain back my sanity. For most, they just say "think positively," "get over it", or "thats nothing." Some even laugh at me or get angry at me.

Let me allow you into the world of a parnanoid person.

I walk around campus in graduate school. I have only been living here for a few months. I'm on the phone with my brother saying I think it is time to go back to the hospital. So I go. I am met with a ton of people starying at me in the hospital entrance. Do they know what I'm going through? How do they know about me? Can they see my illness? At this point, the whole university knows.The government is still after me.

Another hospitalization, I thought I was in the Holocaust ansd that the doctors were killing al of the patients. I was running around trying to save evefybody, trying to figure out the puzzle of freeing everyone.

During one of my other hospital visits during my graduate school career, I saw a list of things ona table and I thought the list that I found was a list to free me from an FBI interrogation (I still have paraonoia about the government but not as severe). I kept tying to figure out this list and I finally got to the bottom of the list and I don't remember why, but I kept taking my hospial gown off., They yelled to the other patients to go in their room.

At another hospital, I became entirely catatonic and I did not tak, eat or slep for 3 days. That was in the midst of one of the most terrifying parnoia/psychoti period. Tehy finally gave me a strong medication and it lessened. But I still remember all of what happened.

The littlest thing can set me off on a crazy rant or adventure.

I was hospitalized 3 times in gtaduate school and I sitll received my Masters degreee.

Now my parania is not as bad as it's been while in the hospital. THe majority of my paranoia/anciety is contained by the endless sea of medications that have been prescribed to me. Some may believe that watching people go through psychosis and paranoia, but it's not funny at all. It is one of the most terrifying things I go through. Sometimes I still believe that I am still being watched by the FBI, which are inproportioate to my reason why they would be after me. I have learned that it is possible to overcome the paranoia by talking to myself about the relaity of what's going on.

The Frustration of Mental Illness(es)

Every day, I deal with my mental illnesses, currently diagnosed as having schizoaffective, bipolar type and PTSD, Some days are brilliant. Others I just wish I could be free not to interact with anyone.

This past year, I was in the hospital 3 times. During the times when I was out, I was in treatment programs.

Among side effects of medications is movement disorders, dry mouth, blurred vision, acne, and most catastrophically, memory loss.

When I am off the meds, I have "limited" clear thinking and photographic, or eidetic, memory. That's how I did so well in school. However, I have to take the meds or else I end up back in the hospital., I have been known to decompensate in one day if I do not take the meds. When I decompensate, that means that I have full-blown paranoia and psychosis. I lose touch with all reality. As a PhD student, I ran around the hospital unit naked. My life feels like almost two different lives.

I want to focus on the life on meds, even though my creativity, artistic ablities and eidetic-like memory goes away with the meds. It's a loss worth taking, because I highly like being stable.

It sucks that I lose my memory because I cannot remember everything that I did in college and graduate school. I do not know if I am able to function with a 40-60 hour work week in the field of biomedical engineering., That is hard for me to comprehend but to be all-realisstic, I have to take my meds and my illnesses have gotten much worse over the years as the schizophrenia part of my brain has gone haywire,

As a highly functioning person who has schizophrenia, biipolar and PTSD as well as haivng studied neuroscience/neural engineering amd neurology, I find my life as being something very interesting.

I think I will always remember the moments in my life when I could function while being manic. Nowadays, my mania is maked with severe paranoia and psychosis. Terrifying psychosis. So, I continue to take my meds.