This week was one of the most difficult weeks I have had in a long time. I dealt with severe symptoms every day, including paranoia, depression and flashbacks.
October is always the worst month for me. October 21 will be the 6 year anniversary of my most serious suicide attempt, in which I was told I should not be alive and that I should never be able to walk again. Last year, my brother went missing for 4 days and I moved out of my mother's house on October 28th and was hospitalized a few days later. When I was a child, I was stuck in a house fire in the fall.
Fall has a sort of drastic change in weather from Summer and it has always been a hard time for me. I feel a lot of inner turmoil when the leaves change color and the air is cold. I think my brain subconsciously remembers all the negative events that have happened in October. Sometimes the memories pass through my subconscious and I remember them,
Sometimes I wish that I did not remember everything that happens in my psychotic and paranoid states but I do. I not only have flashbacks of childhood abuse, but I also have them from other negative and stressful memories throughout my life. I even remember most of my childhood dreams and nightmares. I wish I did not have this extraordinary memory of negative memories but I do. I guess it could be considered part of the fact that my IQ is in the 99th percentile.
I have the power inside to stop this cycle of symptoms in October. Sometimes it does not feel like I do. But I do. All of us hold a power within us to stop the negative.
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