Just Keep Swimming

I have not written in a little bit but I feel like I have something important to share.

For the past two days, I have endured terrifying paranoid episodes and more flashbacks than I usually have. I am just happy that I got through each day at this point. Challenges in life bring out our greatest and most beautiful strengths, no matter how deep and how scary those challenges are.

For those who do not know me that well, I deal with many symptoms, including paranoia, psychosis, hallucinations, flashbacks, nightmares, mania and depression. To put it simply, my life can become interesting quickly.

I do not really know what has caused the recent episodes. However, I have had some stressful events come up this week.

When I had the episodes, I thought everyone around me was a spy for the FBI. Just like that, my world was terrifying and very difficult to deal with. But I took a medication and used skills to get out of the paranoia and I slowly calmed down.

I believe there are a bunch of things at play when I am paranoid. All through my life, I've had people who I was supposed to trust hurt me deeply, so why would I trust semi-new people in my life? Do they believe me when I tell them everything I've been through? Will they hurt me like many people have done to me before? Are there ulterior motives? How do I know that they have my best interests when I've been abused for the first 25 years of my life?

Either way, I am going to wake up tomorrow to face another day, because I gather my strength from God above. If it were not for His unconditional love, I would not be as strong as I am. We can trust in Him even on the darkest days.