A Stormy Day

I started this blog to  chronicle my life living with severe mental illnesses. And I am going to be very honest and tell it like it is.

My paranoia and flashbacks have been acting up a lot in the past 2 weeks. I have no idea why. I have not missed a dose of medication. No life-alteirng events. Nothing. And add to that a mixture of depression and life is just great.

Not really. When things get rough, I usually tend to put on a face like everything is okay.

Today I nearly lost it when I yelled "F*** this S***." My sentiments exactly. How long do I have to endure this crap? If only I could curse out the demons living in my mind. If only I had a magic wand.

Here is what I wrote iny journal.

"I cannot help it when I get triggered. The flashbacks just come and go. I feel like I don't have any control over them. They feel like they are never going to stop.

There were a lot of flashbacks and paranoia today. I've been paranoid a lot lately this week. Paranoia is tremendously frustrating and frightening. It feels like it will never end, just like the flashbaqcks. I wish I had a magic wand that would take them away. I really wish I had one. It would be a dream come true. I just want to get through this.

Is this the real world? Or is the world full of people laughing at me, fooling around with me or talking badly about me? They all think I am a fool, or better yet, a burden, I feel like such a bother. Why do thhey even bother trying to help me? I feel like a lost cause. I hate feeling this, but that's the truth. Nobody can help me.

I feel so alone. Noone understands how difficult each day is sometimes. Why would they even try?

I will get through this."