The Right Diagnosis

Ughhh.... I just woke up from a nightmare in which I was very paranoid. I haven't been very paranoid in awhile so dreaming about it was not cool. I dreamt that people were talking behind my back, right in front of me. When I woke up, I literally was relieved.

I think I may know why I was paranoid in my dream. Yesterday, I went to my psychiatrist and they called into question my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. The doctor thinks I may have a serious case of bipolar I disorder, with psychosis. Since the doctor said that, I have been thinking about my paranoia. I think I may have bipolar I but the only thing that confuses me is this: People with bipolar I only have psychosis when manic and I haven't been manic for a long time and yet, I have been paranoid and psychotic at times. To me, that would suggest possible schizophrenia.

Either way, I am on my meds and that's not going to change since I function on them. A few people have said diagnoses are labels and that they don't define me. The most important thing is that I am responding to treatment and that's what matters.

I think I have a difficult time being diagnosed with something and just taking it for what it is sometimes. I want the diagnosis to be right. I want to have the correct diagnosis because it tends to give me comfort to know what I'm dealing with. For some odd reason, I don't like blindly just treating the symptoms.

I guess part of this has to do with community. Whenever I am given a diagnosis, I try to find people with the diagnosis and I feel better knowing others who are dealing with the disorders. I feel at home with people who share the same symptoms as I do.

The main reason I went off the meds two summers ago was that I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and was told that I didn't need to take my meds anymore. And that's what caused this whole mayhem. You see, if the diagnosis is wrong, it messes up a lot of things.

I want to know what I'm dealing with, even if it's just a label. It's frustrating to no end being told I have a different diagnosis every few months. I WANT TO KNOW! I feel like I deserve to know what I'm dealing with so I can continue to move in the right direction.