To Be Set Free

I heard a song at worship last night that really spoke to me... It is called "I Am Set Free" by All Sons & Daughters.

You broke my chains of sin and shame 

and you covered me with grace.

You mend my life with your holy fire

You cover me with grace.

You are the hand that reaches out to save

I am set free.

It made me think to myself, what does it mean to be free?

I looked up some definitions and the one I really resonated with is "to make free, set at liberty, release from bondage, imprisonment, or restraint" (dictionary.reference.com)

I think the part that I am really struggling with most is being free from my past. After years of abuse, neglect and homelessness, a part of me is still back there. A large part of my life has been spent fighting. Fighting to live. Fighting to survive. Fighting to just make it through.

It's not like I can wake up one morning and forget everything I've been through. In some ways, I'd like that but I highly doubt it's going to happen. I fight every single day to move forward, but my PTSD keeps me back there, back where I do not want to be.

I've been praying to God a lot lately to make me free from my past. I am trusting Him with all I have to free me from my past. I think by being set free, many more doors will open for me.

All I want is freedom.

Something else I've been wondering is what it looks like to be free. Does it mean that I have no more flashbacks? If so, I want nothing but to be free. I don't want to be stuck back there anymore. I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I didn't have flashbacks. I wish I could control them but I can't. It is incredibly frustrating to be forced to go back there. I think it is one of the main reasons that I still feel stuck in the past.

Does it mean that I no longer talk about the past? In some ways I struggle with this, too, because the past is a part of who I am. I don't want my past to define who I am but at the same time, I find it incredibly difficult to completely stop talking about my past and be completely free.

Does it mean that I realize the flashbacks are just intense memories? I have actually made progress in this area lately. Each time I have a flashback, I've been reminding myself that it's in the past, it's just a memory. Each time I do this, I feel better and I feel more distance from what I experience through the flashbacks.

I don't necessarily know what it will look like to be free from my past, but I know that God has wonderful plans for me and that He doesn't want me stuck there.

Every part of me yearns to free, to be released from the bondage, the hold that the past has on my life. Every day, I try to move forward and separate myself from the past. It's not easy but with God, nothing is impossible and I'm hoping and believing with all that I have that I am able to be set free.

I want to leave you with a song that came to my mind as I wrote this. It's called Free by Dara McLean