Never Leave You Nor Forsake You

I woke up to this early this morning. It reminded me to take time to just be with God.

I am terrified. My stomach is upset. My fears are out of this world. Why?

I'm going to the dentist today. During one of my psychotic meltdowns last semester, I thought all of the doctors were dentists and that they were going to take all my teeth out without Novocaine. When this happened, my fears were beyond imagination and I feel that same sick feeling that I felt in the hospital. The terror.

But I know I have to go in order to take care of it.

One of the verses that came to my mind this morning that is helping me is:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

It comforts me knowing that God goes with me.

Surrender

"Have you surrendered every single part of your hurt to Him?"

-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

My answer to this question is probably not. I carry with me years of abuse, neglect and homelessness. But as I move forward, I am trying to surrender all of it to Him. I am trying to get rid of the hold it has on me. Every step I get closer and closer.

Why is surrendering so difficult?

I think possibly because the past is such a powerful part of who I've become and who I have been shaped to be. It doesn't define me but it's still a large part of me. I feel like surrendering may entail forgetting everything that's happened or even saying it was right. That's an impossible feat for me. It's also hard to surrender everything to God if you still relive it every single day through flashbacks and nightmares.

I want to move forward. It's just at this stage of my life I'm not quite sure how.

Adventures of the Lake

After my one class yesterday, I decided to go to the lake for some rest and some God-time. Last semester, the lake helped me when I was paranoid and psychotic. It helped me get through some of the most difficult moments by bringing peace and calm into my chaos.

So I am going to share some photos I took so you can join me in my adventure to the lake.

The first creature I came across was a soft-shelled turtle. It kind of hid when it saw me and soon after this photo it went into the water.

This is one of my favorite shots I have ever taken. You see the close up of the green leaf, but in the background, you see the bridge in the distance. To me, it's supposed to represent that the future is not always clear, but you know that God has your path all planned out, if you trust Him.

Here's another foreground/background shot. I like taking these kind of shots because it represents the chaos in the present and the beauty of the future beyond the present and the past. I know that God has great plans and that no matter how chaotic the present is or the past was, He will be there every step of the way.

This has to be one of the coolest things that has ever happened at the lake. I walked across the bridge pictured above and on the side, there was a stream with all of these little fish. I stood on the bridge and they all oriented themselves towards me. I moved to the right of the bridge and they all moved to reorient themselves and they just stayed there.

In that awesome instance, I was reminded that no matter what comes our way, we have to orient ourselves to the love of God. We have to count our blessings and move forward, keeping our eyes on God.

This last shot is a simple shot of the lake. I wanted to take this because it was absolutely gorgeous. The beauty of the lake never disappoints me. I always learn more about God and feel closer to Him when I go, through the lake and its creatures.

Change

Yesterday, I went to group therapy and we did this exercise. It was after a difficult discussion with someone about moving forward and I felt that it was ironic that this was the exercise. And that I was the only one who showed up.

In case you can't read it, at the top it says "Why do people not change?" and around the circle it says "They can't," "They do not want to change," "They do not know what to change," and "They do not know how to change."

Below this circle were questions, "Which one are you? Why? What do you need to change?"

As I thought about the exercise and my conversation with the person earlier, I thought that I am closest to "They do not know how to change." I know that I am close to making big changes in my life and moving forward, but I'm still frustrated with having PTSD and paranoia. I don't really know how to explain my frustration. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back because of my illnesses when I want to take 10 steps forward.

I feel as if they are holding me back from what I could be. I'm still frustrated that I have flashbacks every single day and that the past is still interfering with my present. I want to move forward but a big part of me is still stuck in the past. I want to let go, but I don't know how. Maybe I am holding on? But it's not like I can just forget 23 years of trauma. Especially not with PTSD.

Do I believe I can be healed? Absolutely! Without a doubt. I'm just waiting for the answer to how. Maybe I'm searching in the wrong places? My dream is not to be stuck in the past. Absolutely not!  My dream is to move forward and not have the past overwhelm me anymore. Right now, that is my main goal.

I no longer want to be bogged down by the past. I want to make a big difference in this world. And I know I can't do that with one foot in the past.

This is one of my favorite songs about change...

Set the Captives Free

"Christ came to set the captives free. Satan came to take the free captive."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

I read this book at possibly one of my lowest points earlier this year. I was reading quotes I had written in my diary when I came across this one.

How true it is!

Christ came to set us free from all the bad stuff in our lives that keeps us from walking into His wonderful plans for us. Satan wants to keep us in the past, in our regrets and our mistakes. Satan doesn't want us to move forward. He wants us stuck. He wants us so low that we forget the good things in our lives.

I am in the process of moving forward from the wreckage of my past. Each new day, I try to separate myself from the hold that the past has had on my life. I try to separate myself from what was and try to focus on what is. And what will be. I try to remind myself that I am free in Christ and I am able to move forward.

The past is over and done with... No longer can it have a hold on me.

I am not a little abused child anymore. I am not a neglected and homeless teen. I am a strong woman who is going to make a difference in the world. 

And that is what I hold on to each day that I move forward.

Picking Me Up

I spent a few hours last night looking at PhD programs across the country. To say I'm excited is a bit of an understatement. I feel as if I am moving forward in a big way. There is one program that I really have my heart set on.

Anyways, I just came across part of a letter I had written to myself a few months ago.

"Keep running. Keep walking. Keep fighting and getting through another day. Always remember that you are never alone. No matter what the world tells you. No matter what the enemy tells you. Keep focused on the truth. The truth that can be found in God and the truth of your life...He stood beside you and He will always stand beside you."

The strange part is that I wrote this letter in February, while I was paranoid and psychotic. I think it just goes to show that no matter how low you get, God is always there, showing you the way.

I believe that God is always there with me, helping me through every twist and turn that comes my way. I believe that He has lifted me up on many occasions in my life and given me the strength to move forward. I believe He is guiding me as I move forward into the future, helping me decide which programs to apply to.

I don't believe in a God who is far away in the sky. I believe in a powerful God who stands beside me, waiting to pick me up if I fall. I believe in a loving God who forgives my mistakes and binds my wounds if I fall. I believe in a God who gives us a new start after we fail.

Savoring the Strawberry

I'm currently reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and I came across a story that really spoke to me.

"The monk raced to the edge of a cliff, glanced back, and saw the growling tiger about to spring. The monk spotted a rope dangling over the edge of the cliff. He grabbed it and began shinnying down the side of the cliff out of the clutches of the tiger. Whew! Narrow escape. The monk then looked down and saw a quarry of jagged rocks five hundred feet below. He looked up and saw the tiger poised atop the cliff with bared claws. Just then, two mice began to nibble at the robe. What to do?

The monk saw a strawberry within arm's reach, growing out of the face of the cliff. He plucked it, ate it, and exclaimed, 'Yum! That's the best strawberry I've ever tasted in my entire life.' If he had been preoccupied with the rock below (the future) or the tiger above (the past), he would have missed the strawberry God was giving him in the present moment."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, pg.54

Sometimes we are so bogged down by our worries about the future or the nagging nature of our past that we forget to enjoy the present time. We forget to savor the strawberries. What I like about this story is that the past and future are so frightening, and yet the monk takes time to enjoy the present.

We don't exactly know what the future holds, but we can trust that God holds our future in His hands. We know that through His grace and mercy, we will make it through anything that comes our way. In the same vein, our past may be awful and full of turmoil and pain, yet we are called to walk forward into God's beautiful plans for our lives.

We are called to trust God and not be preoccupied with the past or future.

Does anyone else find that hard?

Sometimes, I personally find it very hard not to be preoccupied with the past due to the intrusive memories I have because of my PTSD. But every day, it's getting easier. I'm looking forward to when I don't have the flashbacks, nightmares and intrusive memories anymore.

I'm looking forward to being able to savor the strawberries in the present.

Intimacy With God

I had two really intense dreams last night. I flew in the first dream, above the "bad guys." It felt so freeing to soar in the sky. To me, flying is a sign of freedom and strength. I think I may have had the dream because I'm on the verge of really becoming free in my life, finally breaking away from my past and the "bad guys."

I read the following quote last night...

"At its heart Christianity is all about removing our excuses and opening ourselves up to intimacy with God. And true intimacy with God can only come when we acknowledge our failures and shortcomings to Him, then believe in His glorious promises to us."

-Steven James, Becoming Real

What does it mean to be "intimate with God?"

I think it's when we open ourselves up to conversing with Him about the deepest parts of ourselves, those parts of ourselves that we let nobody else see. I think it's when we talk to Him all the time, not necessarily out loud or through prayer, but we listen and talk to Him all day long. I think it's when we are honest about what's really going on in our lives when we communicate with Him, not pretending.

I believe God wants us to know Him on a deep level. I think that's where true freedom comes in. To me, I think that true freedom will come when my mind is not constantly bombarded by the past, when I am free to move forward into the present and the future.

What does your freedom look like?

Acceptance is the Key

All summer long, I wanted to see Monsters University but not enough of my friends wanted to go, so it got put on the to-do-later list. Last night, I finally got to see it with a few friends for free on campus.

To say I loved the movie is quite an understatement. It is by far one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I was laughing from beginning to end... literally. You know a movie's good when you can't stop laughing.

One of the main themes of the movie really spoke to me. Without giving too much away for those who haven't seen it, the movie is majorly about acceptance. Mike Wazowski, one of the main characters, has a hard time accepting his limited abilities. Even Sully has to accept himself.

Sometimes it's hard for us to come to terms with our limited abilities or accepting ourselves and others in general as we or they are. We want to be all and do all. But sometimes that's just not possible. Sometimes we need to calm down and just be ourselves. Sometimes we need to stop and be comfortable with who we are.

Just be...

And that's not easy. No way. Sometimes it's really hard. We may have our minds set on something too far out of reach. And we have to accept that our goal is too hard or that we are being too hard on ourselves. It doesn't mean we are a failure. It just means that we have limits. And that's because we are human. We can only do or be so much.

However, with God's help, sometimes the impossible can become possible. I constantly pray for discernment when I am making big decisions, like applying to PhD programs. By listening to God's guidance, I am able to see if my goals are part of His plans for me.

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake...Acceptance [has] taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here."
-Big Book, pg 417

Rain on Our Parade

Some of you may know that I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel for a Bible study at my church.

One quote that we discussed last week was:

"The child of the Father rejects the pastel colored patsy God who promises never to rain on our parade."

My interpretation of this quote is that many times, we think that if we accept God into our lives, everything will be perfect. God does not promise that. I've experienced plenty of trials after accepting Christ and I know many others who have as well.

I downloaded iOS 7 on my iPhone yesterday and afterwards, I was playing around with my phone when I opened the YouVersion Bible app and it said to read Job 1. Out of nowhere I decided to read it. You know how you just hear God telling you to do something?

So I read the Message version of Job 1.

At one point, Satan says to God, "You pamper [Job] like a pet, make sure nothing bad ever happens to him or his family or his possessions, bless everything he does—he can’t lose!"
- Job 1:10(MSG)

Satan is questioning the authenticity of Job's relationship with God. He thinks that if everything goes wrong, Job will curse God.

So then God allows Satan to challenge Job through many trials.

The reason I point all of this out is that the Christian life is by far not perfect. We may not always understand why we are going through struggles, but in the end, we may realize how God transformed us and strengthened us throughout. Once you accept Christ, you may have many struggles, but know that God never leaves you nor forsakes you. Struggles are part of the human condition, but by the grace of God we can overcome those trials.

Aware of the Blessings

My first exam of the semester is early this morning. I have a total of 8 exams this semester.

I've been studying for this exam a lot, especially this past week. On top of studying, I had two homeworks due this week, one that was 20 pages of mathematical proofs, derivations and calculations.

Though this semester is by far my most difficult semester academically, I feel so blessed to be able to study and do well in my classes. This semester is lightyears better than last semester.

Sometimes you have to stop and be grateful for the small things in life. 

For me, the ability to concentrate enough to study is something I am blessed with this semester. I can sit down and study for a few hours straight, something I could not do last semester.

After last semester, I realize how truly blessed I am this semester and that things are going so well.

Someone asked on a Facebook group last night "what would you tell someone about having a mental illness?"

I replied and said that living with mental illness is not easy but with the proper therapy, treatment and medications, we can live fulfilling lives. I hope that when people see me, they do not see my mental illness but rather how far I have come in the past year.

Accepting Oneself

I am mentally drained from school this week and my week is not done yet. I handed in a 20 page homework full of mathematical calculations yesterday and I have an exam tomorrow that I've been studying for all week. But I took a break and went to Bible study last night.

We are reading The Ragamuffin Gospel and so far, the book is amazing. It has really opened my eyes in many ways.

One quote really stuck out to me while reading.

"When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or the acceptance of others."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

To tell you the truth, I don't know if I've truly accepted myself. I worry a lot about what others think about me and that tends to be because of my paranoia and psychosis. I still worry if people are spreading rumors about me. Deep down, I don't think I feel worthy of others' love and affection. I often feel like a burden to others. I feel like if I open myself up and tell others what I'm dealing with, I become a burden. I feel that the only way people can show me love is if it's superficial or that they "have to."

But God's love is different. He is opening my eyes to this fact. God loves us in a deep way and we are never a burden to Him. He won't spread rumors about us. He cares about us when no one else will. He created us and loves us deeply.

Through this realization, I am continuing to move forward and learning to accept myself. It's not an easy task but it's worth every moment.

Need to Break Out

I was looking over some of the quotes I wrote in my notebook/journal from books I've read lately and I came across this quote...

"In my own personal journey, God showed me that I'd never break the pit cycle if I didn't name every contribution I made to it and let Him deal with my self-destructive tendencies."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

As I read this quote this morning, I thought "How true is that?" Lately, I've been trying to climb out of the pit that I'm trapped in in order to move forward. Is it me that's holding me back? Is there some part of me that doesn't want to stop thinking about the past? Do I want to be stuck in the pit?

I think the answer to the last question is a resounding no. But the other questions are still up in the air.

I don't know if it's so much that I want to be stuck in the pit but that the pit actually feels comfortable after awhile. Things have gone wrong for most of my life so I think a part of me has gotten used to things going wrong. I think that's where my tendency to catastrophize comes in. Point blank, I'm not used to things going well. I've tended to get used to being stuck in the past. I'm used to having flashbacks all the time.

Most recently, I've been trying to break out of the past. This entails not ruminating about it. It entails getting out of the past, mentally and spiritually. I've noticed that I've even had less flashbacks!

Moving forward is quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. It takes a lot of courage and strength, but in turn I receive the gift of freedom, something more beautiful than I can simply put into words in a blog post.

Into the Bright Future

I've been studying for an exam I have on Friday for the past few days. I've studied probably about 15-20 hours for it so far.

Have you ever studied for something so much that you actually "see" it everywhere or you can't stop thinking about what's on the exam? I've been studying for a class about materials and I actually have started to "see" the quantum mechanical structure of the materials all around me. I think that's a sign that I'm almost ready for the exam. I keep looking around and asking myself what kind of structure does this material have? Is it an alloy, a ceramic, a... blah de blah blah? Is it strong, ductile, brittle? Is it crystalline/noncrystalline? You get the picture.

Yesterday, I posted about getting up after going through a rough time. I wanted to point out that it's probably one of the most difficult things one can do. Especially after a hard fall. But getting up after a fall can be one of the most rewarding things one can do as well. Out of the most difficult experiences often come great things.

The excitement of being back in school for me still has not lost its touch. The excitement of being out of the hospital is still very real and tangible. I am blessed each day that I move forward and learn to let go of the past. I don't take the ability to concentrate and study for granted.

I have been wondering why letting go is so hard. Why is letting go so arduous?

I think it is because it requires a lot for us to move forward and let go. We have to realize that we are stuck in the past and that with God's help, we can move forward. I don't necessarily know what it will look like for me to completely move forward, but I know I'm on my way to a bright future. I know I am moving forward each and every day. And that means more than words can say.

We also have to realize that the past is in the past and that we are not defined by our past. The past is over and done with. And we are free to move forward into the wonderful plans God has for us.

Amen.

I'm a Dreamer

Today has been an incredible day. By today, I mean yesterday. I am writing this post on Sunday night but posting it tomorrow, which is today. How many people are confused?

I'm sorry for any confusion but I wanted to write this while I am still "in the moment."

Anyways, I want to tell you that today has been an awesome day because I decided that I am reapplying to PhD programs across the country. I came to this decision because of my ongoing stability on the medications I'm taking. I've been out of the hospital for 5 months and 5 days. It's also 3 and a half weeks into the semester and I'm not stressed out even though I'm taking an overload of courses. My stress level is at a healthy level- enough to make me do my work and study, but not enough to trigger my PTSD, bipolar and schizophrenia.

My point being... I am ready to make my dream of receiving a PhD happen.

I say this because I think many people give up on their dreams because things happen. As my calculus teacher in high school said, "Sith happens." Yes, Blogger, I spelled it right. Thank you very much. I think we all know what my professor was trying to say.

Last semester, I had four hospitalizations. I remember in my fourth hospitalization, the doctors, nurses and techs told me to withdraw from school. They told me not to take F's. They thought there was no way to pass my classes after missing nearly 6 weeks. Well, I worked my butt off the last two weeks of school and received an A, B and B+. What others thought was impossible was possible, because of my stubbornness and resilience. If I had listened to the nay-sayers, I often wonder where I'd be.

Last semester was chaotic, scary and all-out the hardest semester of my life, but I made it through because at the end of the day, I was resilient and never gave up. To me, withdrawing wasn't even an option. So I pushed on ahead.

Now, as I pick myself up, I am moving forward and fulfilling the dream I've had since I was in my first year of college.

Never give up. Go for your dreams. Go for the goals God has set in your head. Don't let circumstances ruin your dreams. You never know where your dreams will take you...

Something's Gotta Give

I posted about my love/hate relationship with my medications a long time ago, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

One of the major side effects of taking my medications is a memory deficit. In college, when I was off the meds, I could memorize 60 pages of notes in 2 hours or so, verbatim. Now, on the meds, I need to study for about 15 hours to get the same effect. And even then I still struggle. I can look over a page once and completely forget what it said. That's not normal for me. And it's frustrating.

Now I know that people probably don't think that I have a photographic memory when I'm off the meds, but I do. At least a form of it. Some people with schizophrenia have been found to have great memory, even photographic. I even had a professor in college ask if I had photographic memory. One semester, I got 11 100's on exams and was working 3 part time jobs, so I barely studied. I also scored in the 99th percentile for perceptual reasoning skills (visual) on the IQ test last year.

Now my point is not really that I have photographic memory when I'm off the meds so I'm not going to belabor that, but my point is that sometimes something has to give if we want to survive. 

It was really nice having a great memory, especially in school, but if I want to survive and be stable and out of the hospital, then I have to take my medications, along with the side effects. I have come to the realization that I can either be schizophrenic with really good memory or I can be stable and out of the hospital.

Giving up my great memory in order to be stable has been one of the hardest things I feel like God is calling me to do.

The reason I do love my medications is that I've been out of the hospital for 5 months and I am able to function and be healthy. I am nowhere near where I was last semester. Can I just say that again? I've been out of the hospital for FIVE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo! And that is mostly due to the medications.

Stability beats instability. Stability beats chaos and paranoia and psychosis.

So I am still taking the medications.

Birthplace of Joy

I really wanted to share a video that I came across a few days ago. I've now watched it twice and I can't even begin to tell you how powerful it is. Please consider taking 20 minutes out of your day to watch it. It is the best 20 minutes I've spent in awhile.

Brene Brown speaks about vulnerability. She is a qualitative researcher in the field of Social Work interested in "expanding perception."

First she breaks down that connection is "why we are here. It's what gives us purpose and meaning."

Then she talked about shame. She said that it is ultimately the fear of connecting with others. I thought this was an interesting point because I often feel afraid to connect with others, due to my paranoia and other issues. I am afraid of what others will think of me. I still carry a lot of shame around with me because of my past. I've blogged a lot about it and allowed people in, but I still feel a lot of shame.

One of the most interesting points she made was that shame also occurs when there are issues with our belief in our worthiness. I think that moving forward, that's something I need to work on, because often, I don't feel like I'm worthy of love and good things. I often feel like I don't deserve good things happening since I've mostly lived in difficult circumstances. 

Maybe that's why I haven't moved forward completely.

I want to end with another quote that she said in the video. She said that shame and vulnerability can be the "birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love." This quote really spoke to me because I often feel like they are bad things, but she pointed out that they can be good, if we channel the energy towards the positive and work hard to realize that we are worthy.

Straining Toward What Is Ahead

To tell you the truth, when I woke up this morning, I had no clue what I was going to write about. Most times, I know what I'm going to write the night before. However, I just came across a quote that really, really spoke to me and resonated with me from a book I read a few weeks ago. 

You know how you just know that God is speaking to you and He brings something into your life when you most need it?! This quote is exactly what I needed to read this morning.

"Whatever happened in the past is over and done with. You cannot change it, you can only channel it. That means you take whatever pain you lived through and channel the power of it into something meaningful today. Today you are a survivor...You must refuse to ruminate about the past that is over and wake up to the life you have now, focusing on the opportunities before you."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

Every single part of this quote made me think this morning as I read and reread it. Sometimes I struggle a lot with rumination over the past, due to the intrusive memories and flashbacks that come with my PTSD. But someone in my life is really challenging me to move forward, to move past the past to the opportunities ahead of me.

I know this quote is God encouraging me to move forward, to realize that I am a survivor and not a victim anymore. God wants me to move forward and not be stuck back there. I don't want to be stuck back there. I don't want to be back there at all. I want to move forward with my life, moving forward into the wonderful plans God has for me.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."
-Philippians 3:13b (NIV)

I believe that God has great plans for each of us and He does not want us to be stuck in the past. "The past is over and done with." And so we strive to move forward every single day. We strive to make each day a new one instead of living in the past. We strive to find meaning in the past, but not get stuck back there.

This life is a journey, often challenging but worth every moment.

To Be Set Free

I heard a song at worship last night that really spoke to me... It is called "I Am Set Free" by All Sons & Daughters.

You broke my chains of sin and shame 

and you covered me with grace.

You mend my life with your holy fire

You cover me with grace.

You are the hand that reaches out to save

I am set free.

It made me think to myself, what does it mean to be free?

I looked up some definitions and the one I really resonated with is "to make free, set at liberty, release from bondage, imprisonment, or restraint" (dictionary.reference.com)

I think the part that I am really struggling with most is being free from my past. After years of abuse, neglect and homelessness, a part of me is still back there. A large part of my life has been spent fighting. Fighting to live. Fighting to survive. Fighting to just make it through.

It's not like I can wake up one morning and forget everything I've been through. In some ways, I'd like that but I highly doubt it's going to happen. I fight every single day to move forward, but my PTSD keeps me back there, back where I do not want to be.

I've been praying to God a lot lately to make me free from my past. I am trusting Him with all I have to free me from my past. I think by being set free, many more doors will open for me.

All I want is freedom.

Something else I've been wondering is what it looks like to be free. Does it mean that I have no more flashbacks? If so, I want nothing but to be free. I don't want to be stuck back there anymore. I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I didn't have flashbacks. I wish I could control them but I can't. It is incredibly frustrating to be forced to go back there. I think it is one of the main reasons that I still feel stuck in the past.

Does it mean that I no longer talk about the past? In some ways I struggle with this, too, because the past is a part of who I am. I don't want my past to define who I am but at the same time, I find it incredibly difficult to completely stop talking about my past and be completely free.

Does it mean that I realize the flashbacks are just intense memories? I have actually made progress in this area lately. Each time I have a flashback, I've been reminding myself that it's in the past, it's just a memory. Each time I do this, I feel better and I feel more distance from what I experience through the flashbacks.

I don't necessarily know what it will look like to be free from my past, but I know that God has wonderful plans for me and that He doesn't want me stuck there.

Every part of me yearns to free, to be released from the bondage, the hold that the past has on my life. Every day, I try to move forward and separate myself from the past. It's not easy but with God, nothing is impossible and I'm hoping and believing with all that I have that I am able to be set free.

I want to leave you with a song that came to my mind as I wrote this. It's called Free by Dara McLean

You Do Not Have To Be Perfect

"Often I have been asked, 'Brennan, how is it possible that you became an alcoholic after you got saved?' It is possible because I got battered and bruised by loneliness and failure; because I got discouraged, uncertain, guilt-ridden, and took my eyes off Jesus. Because the Christ-encounter did not transfigure me into an angel."

-Brennan Manning. The Ragamuffin Gospel

I am reading this book as part of one of two Bible studies I am in this semester. So far, I love this book. Just the first chapter has opened my eyes in ways I didn't expect.

I chose to focus on this quote today because it meant a lot for me and I hope it means a lot for you. The whole meaning of this quote is that we don't have to be perfect once we accept Christ into our lives. Actually, we are bound to not be perfect. We are bound to make mistakes. We may even take our eyes off Jesus at times.

It is part of the human condition to not be perfect.

"all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

-Romans 3:23

I've made plenty of mistakes since I became a Christian. But that doesn't mean I'm not a Christian. It just means that I need Christ in my life even more so I can be forgiven for my sins and my mistakes and learn to not make those mistakes again.

How fulfilling is the statement "You do not have to be perfect"?

You do not have to do everything right. You can do your best, but not everything has to be exactly perfect. There is room for mistakes. As a perfectionist, I take great comfort in this statement.

You do not have to be perfect.

Broken Into Beautiful

Today marks 5 months since my last hospitalization. I was released on April 10, my birthday. I will never forget my excitement about getting discharged, since I had spent 8 lonely days in the scary psych unit in the hospital. When I was released, I was so scared of going back there. I wanted nothing but to stay out of the hospital. And here I am, 5 months later, much more stable and back in school.

God has strengthened me and held me up when I most needed it. He has guided me and helped me through great difficulties, never leaving me. I feel His presence nearly every day, if not every day. It is only through Him that I have come this far.

Today, I wanted to write a poem about what it is like to be broken and be transformed. I first was inspired to write this poem yesterday when I came across a broken branch on the ground as I walked home from a class. I saw the beauty in the brokenness, just like I believe there is beauty in my brokenness.

Broken Into Beautiful

Broken
Shattered
Twisted
This Way and That Way
Darkness overwhelming
No way Up
Only Down
Deeper
         Deeper
                  Into a Depression
                  Or Mania
                  Or Psychosis
                  Or Paranoia
         Deeper
Deeper
The Noise
The Chaos
...
And yet
A Hand reaches Down
The Hand of God

Full of Light
The epitome of Beauty
Lifting me Up
                  Higher
                            Higher
                                     Into the Light
                            Higher
                 Higher
Towards Hope
Transforming me
Healing me
Rescuing me
Strengthening me
Bent but not broken

Broken Into Beautiful

Beauty in the Sacrifice

"Man's hideous injustice that crucified Christ became the means that opened the way for man to become free. Sin's masterpiece of shame and hate became God's masterpiece of mercy and forgiveness."
-Billy Graham, Peace With God

Have you ever stopped and thought about the beauty of what happened on the cross? The beauty in the sacrifice?

I think this quote really exemplifies how something so horrible, so awful, so seemingly erroneous, could be turned into something so absolutely beautiful. Sometimes we are so busy with our lives that we don't spend time thinking about what happened on the cross.

We can find freedom in the cross. We can find peace in the cross. We can find hope in the cross.

God truly can turn the most evil thing into the most beautiful thing. I've written extensively about how God has taken awful things in my life and turned them into good. Sometimes when we are going through the trials and tribulations of our lives, the good within them is not so lucid.

But it's there if you look.

No matter what you are going through, God can transform it into good. Your surroundings may look bleak but if you look around the corner, you may find something beautiful.

I woke up a few days ago and I looked out the window and was greeted by this sunrise... It was absolutely magnificent. As I am writing this blog post, I am watching the sunrise through my window. Sometimes we are so busy that we forget to look around us at the beauty of God's creation and the magnificence of this world we inhabit...

Look around you today. Stop and think about the beauty in Jesus's sacrifice on the cross. Look at the beauty all around you, in the chaos of a normal day.

Illustration of Suffering

I donated platelets yesterday. Fortunately, my iron level was right on the dot and I was eligible to donate.

For those who have never donated blood, there are different ways you can donate. You can donate whole blood, platelets and/or plasma or double red blood cells. To donate platelets or any other part of the blood, there is a machine called an apheresis machine that separates the blood and gives you back what you aren't donating.

If you haven't donated, I highly recommend to do it if you're eligible because it's an easy way to give back to the community and help save lives. For example, platelets are in patients undergoing chemotherapy. It means more than words can say to have a chance to donate. I don't know who receives my donation, but I do know it's making a difference in someone's life.

Donating platelets takes about two hours, so I watched a movie while donating. I chose to watch Life of Pi.

I don't want to give away too much of the movie, but I will say that it is a brilliant and beautiful illustration of how God works amidst horrible, scary and tiring circumstances. In its own way, it describes suffering. I believe it shows the beauty that can come from suffering. After watching the movie, I watched a video on Youtube that explained the deeper meaning of the movie, from one point of view.

Believing in God doesn't mean that bad things won't happen to you...[but] the belief in God can prevent you from being consumed by that evil.

I believe that God gives us difficulties in our lives to make us stronger. Each of us goes through times when we feel like giving up or we feel frustrated, angry and tired. But believing in God helps us to keep going, keep moving forward despite the challenges. Going through trials is a reminder that we are all human and we all suffer. It draws us together.

Suffering is part of the human condition. I am moving forward in my life to a point that I am learning not to be consumed by the past, by the awful things I've been through. I'm trying to look past all of that and move forward into the beautiful plan that God has for my life.

Change

I took a slight detour after my last class yesterday and went to the lake. I wanted to spend some time with God and decided to go there.

When I got there, I was met by the sweet caress of leaves falling off of the trees all around me. There is something magical about standing in the wind with hundreds of leaves falling. A whisper from God. A sign of autumn. Also a sign of change and moving forward.

I've been undergoing a lot of change. My paranoia is getting better. My PTSD is getting better. It's been nearly five months since I've had a hospitalization. Things are finally looking up.

As I walked around the lake, I thought a lot about last semester, when it seems like I was in a cloud of darkness with my severe paranoia and psychosis. The lake provided the hope and peace I needed to get through it. I met white birds who helped me get to the hospital once. I was comforted by them at the right time. I grew to love the lake and everything about it.

I've been wondering how I even got through last semester and my answer is by far my trips to the lake. The lake is where I found God last semester. It is where I found peace and comfort amidst one of the most difficult battles of my life.

I spent most of my time there. At the end of the semester, I even read and did homework by the lake. I found that I could concentrate better there.

I've spent nearly a whole year at the lake and I've seen how the lake has changed over the course of a year. It is nothing short of extraordinary. Seeing how much it changes has been a reminder that we as people change. I am not in the state I was last semester, which is a complete blessing. And as I keep moving forward, I hope I can continue to change for the better.

Change can be a great thing.

I want to leave you with a song about how Jesus changes us, a song I've heard a lot in the past few days:

Be Lifted Up

To whom this may concern,

The first thing I want to let you know is that healing is possible. 

Healing takes time and it is a journey, not a destination. Last semester, I was in the hospital four times, which added up to about 5 to 6 weeks of missed classes. I thought the drama would never end. I thought the chaos was inevitable and neverending.

But I made it through and I am on the other side now... or at least getting there. I am back in school, more stable and ready to conquer my courses. I feel finally as if I am putting last semester behind me.

Healing is hard work and you have to work at it. It may seem difficult or even futile at some times, but I can tell you from experience that it is worth it. God can help tremendously if you lean on Him through it all.

The Bible verse below reminds me often that healing is possible with God's help; that if we give him all our fears, our doubts, our struggles,and our pain, He can truly transform our lives and lift us up.

We do not have to struggle alone.

I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved beyond your wildest imagination by God. And He wants to help you heal. He wants to help you through your struggles. He is always there, just a prayer or a call away.

I say all of this because I know what it is like to be through the healing journey. I know what it is like to be healed and transformed. I'm going through it right now. In the past few days, I've had less flashbacks than I've had all year. I am being healed from paranoia, psychosis, mania and depression. It's been a hard road but the transformation and healing I am going through is incredible and extraordinary.

I truly am being lifted out of the pit. And my prayer for you is that you will be healed as well, no matter what you are going through. That you will lean on God through it all and find your comfort in Him.

Be lifted up...

Sincerely,
C.L. Kowal

Every Twist and Every Turn

In the past two days, I realized how far I have come emotionally and mentally. Last semester was full of unexpected twists and turns and hospitalizations. I feel as if I am on such a better level than I was last semester. It feels like a fog has lifted. I know all of that is behind me and I am ready to step into the future God has planned for me.

I have some great news too!

My PTSD and paranoia seem to be much better in the past few days. I had less flashbacks, actually significantly less. In fact, the number of flashbacks I'm having each day is in the single digits, something that hasn't happened in probably over a year. Yesterday, I only had 5!

Yesterday, I was on my way to therapy when the song "Not For a Moment" by Meredith Andrews came on. I heard it once again last night in worship at my church. As I listened to the words, it really spoke to me about how good, gracious and merciful our God really is. It hit me how great God has been in my life and how I need to be grateful to Him for everything that's happened.

The chorus goes like this:

After all You are constant

After all You are only good

After all You are sovereign

Not for a moment will You forsake me

God is constant.

In this life, we may encounter ups and downs. In fact, we are almost guaranteed to. Last semester, I had four hospitalizations. I thought the road to recovery was impossible and yet, in a few days, I will celebrate five months without a hospitalization. Though our time here on earth may be full of turmoil, we can have faith that God never changes. He is constant. His love is always there for us. His peace is always there for us.

God is only good.

We also are bound to encounter evil things on this earth, but God is not a part of those things. He is purely good. Being good, He can change the negative things we go through for good. I grew a lot last semester having gone through so many difficulties. I had to lean on God more than ever before and in a different way than ever before, so my relationship with Him grew. I spent a lot of time with Him at the lake, growing in my faith every step of the way.

God is sovereign.

God rules over this earth. He is the divine Ruler. He is a just God. I feel like we shouldn't have any worries, knowing how powerful God is. Our lives are ultimately in His hands and He has great and wonderful plans for each of us.

Not for a moment will God forsake us.

Even though the roads in our lives may have a lot of twists and turns, God never leaves us. He is with us every step of the way, every twist and every turn. Step by step, day by day.