Newfound Respect

"First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help. After taking these two steps, it becomes possible, desirable and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power's care."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 23 Devotion

Let me be real for a second.... I have heard about AA and Alanon for the great majority of my life. I went to a couple meetings of each, although I am not an alcoholic and have never even drank a sip of alcohol. But I never understood the first step (Admit that your life is unmanageable).

I never understood it until this morning when I read it. Why? Because I've been stubborn. I am the type of person who thinks I have control of things. One thing that also frustrated me was that why would I say my life is unmanageable because of alcohol when I have never even touched it? In some ways I felt I didn't belong. 

I don't want to admit that I may not have control of things. As a child growing up in an abusive and alcoholic home, I always wanted to fix things in my family. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted things to be better.

But what I didn't understand until now is that the first step and the second step work together. Instead of relying on ourselves to make things better, we are supposed to trust God to help us move forward through the unmanageable lifestyles we lead. And I think that this applies to anyone, not just alcoholics or family and friends of alcoholics.

Needless to say, I have a newfound respect for AA and Alanon. I honestly used to be frustrated when I sat in a meeting and they read the steps. Why couldn't I control my life? Why couldn't I make things better? Why do I have to admit that my life is unmanageable?

But now I know the deeper meaning in the steps. And I have to get rid of my stubborness...