I personally struggle with having two main faces.
Most of my life, I have spent my life pretending
that everything in my life was perfect. I excelled at school. When I read
about quantum physics or vector spaces, my mind is consumed with numbers,
theories, and equations. Everyone on the outside saw me and sometimes still see me as this intelligent person who must "obviously" come from a great family. They have no idea what I deal with on a daily basis.
As I have been going through the healing
process, the other part of my life is surfacing. Even when on the outside, it looks like everything is perfect, I
have spent most of my life just trying to survive. At many different points of each day, I have
flashbacks. Through all of this, it almost feels as if I am living two lives.
Flashbacks are different than memories. When I have a flashback, I am not in the present
time at all. I am back to when I was a little child. It is like having a video
screen right in front of my eyes. I do not notice anything in the present time.
My perspective is that of a little child. My feelings are that of a little
child. My fear is that of a little child. I am back there…
One minute, I am in class listening to a lecture,
and the next, I am watching my mother be abused and nearly killed in front of
me at the age of six. The fear is overwhelming.
I have hundreds of these flashbacks from all different points in my life.
Even in these difficult times, it is so powerful to know that God sees the real
me. He knows what I went through. I believe that He cried with me as I went through all of those difficult times. I believe that He still continues to carry me through each day. When I am in God's presence, I do not have to hide the deep hurt and fear I go through every day. I do
not have to pretend like everything is great when deep inside me, there is a
raging storm.
I often ask God not only why He allowed such
horrible, unimaginable things to happen to me for years, but also why I constantly
have to deal with such intense flashbacks. Wasn't going through all of those traumatic events enough?
I do not know why He does not stop the flashbacks
or why I have to deal with them every single day.
What I do know is that He has continually supplied
me with strength to keep moving forward. What I do know is that I do not have
to hide who I am from God. He created me and helped me get through everything.
"For thou didst form my inward parts:
Thou didst cover me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks unto thee;
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
Wonderful are thy works;
And that my soul knoweth right well.
My frame was not hidden from thee,
When I was made in secret,
And curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth."
-Psalm 139:13-15 (ASV)
The hope and joy I find in God and the words above which remind me of how much He loves me are the main reasons why I continue to fight each
and every day. He is the main reason I choose to wake up every morning and put
on the full armor of God.
What I struggle with the most is not necessarily
forgiving those who have hurt me deeply; my main struggle is forgiving myself.
I can see other people go through similar things I have gone through and I feel
for them. But I feel like what happened to me is different. I try to make
excuses for those who have hurt me, but when it comes to myself, I cannot find
any excuses. It is so much easier for me to console someone else than myself.
When my parents separated when I was six after
having many arguments about me, I blamed myself for their separation and eventual
divorce. When my brothers became addicted to drugs, I blamed myself, saying that if I had not caused my parents' divorce, then they would have been fine. When I was neglected, I
blamed myself for not doing anything right and believed I was not worthy of anybody's time. When my oldest brother committed
suicide, I blamed myself for not forgiving him before he died.
Why?
Because as a child, I was continually told by my
father that everything was my fault. I was called names and constantly told
that I was stupid. I was treated like a nobody. Not even human. I was told that nobody would ever care about me. Throughout my years of
growing up, I was told similar things not only by my father but many others. I was told that nobody in my family cared, that I
ruined my family. I blamed myself for my family falling apart.
There have been a few people who have told me very
positive things, like that I am worthy of true, unconditional love. When people
say things like that to me, it is difficult to take in because it is so different. That tends to confuse
people because they know I am intelligent. People get frustrated that it is so hard for me to believe. I think to others it is something so obvious, so basic. But to me, it's not that obvious, because I was not taught that while growing up.
When you grow up being told negative things about
yourself and treated so horribly, it takes a lot of effort to start to take in anything positive. I am
getting there, slowly but surely. As I go through this healing process, the
more clearly I see how God was always there. I see how He brought certain
people into my life at the right times. I see that I am His child and that I
deserve better. I deserve to be cared for. I am worthy of His love and the love
of others.
More importantly, I do not have to put on a face anymore.
I have always been “the strong one.” I have always been the fixer. I wanted to
fix everything that I saw as broken. I always wanted to fix what I thought I had broken. But I am learning that I do not have to
hide my true feelings. I do to have to hide who I really am. There are moments when I can cry and weep over my past. There are moments when I can let it all out. There are moments in which I can allow myself to grieve over the past.
In order to be whole, we need to be true to
ourselves. We need to be who we really are, not putting on different disguises
around other people.
I’m not saying that I go around crying
all day long everywhere I go. What I am saying is that I do not believe God
calls us to hide who we really are. I believe it is okay to cry. It is okay not to be strong 100% of the time when we really feel broken and just want to cry. There is a reason He created me the way He
did. There is a reason He created you the way you did. There is a reason why He has allowed certain events to happen in our lives.
Some of the joy I have felt recently has come from
the fact that I feel so free in being able to share the deep parts of my life
with those around me. There is something so freeing about not having to be
strong all of the time. There is something so freeing about not having to hold
everything in.
Though I still continue to deal with feelings of
guilt, shame and fear on a daily basis, I am emerging from the cocoon I built
around myself many years ago as a child and continued to build for most of my
life. I am learning that I do not have to be defined by what I have been
through. It is a part of me, but it is not who I am. God reveals who I am to me
every single day and He shows who He is as well. The shame that I have carried
for so long is slowly fading away.
I do not have to hide anymore..
Neither do you...
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