Yesterday afternoon, I went to the library to
return some books. Since I have a bunch of books already out, I had not planned
on looking for other books, but something told me to check the New Books
section. I came across Max Lucado’s new book “Grace” and began reading it last
night.
In this book, Max talks about Victoria Ruvolo’s
story. A teenage boy tried to pull a prank on her, which ultimately landed her in
the ICU struggling to stay alive. She chose to forgive this boy, though, and a
judge gave him a reduced sentence.
Something that God has been speaking to me a lot
about lately is forgiveness. Throughout my life, I have constantly been deeply
hurt by those I loved the most. To tell you the truth, I love those people
still, but deep inside, I do still feel angry about what they have done to me.
Why would they do that to me? Why was I not
protected? Why have I protected others, but when it comes to protecting me,
nobody was there? How could I be hurt so deeply by those I love and care for so
much?
I also have some anger towards myself as well.
Why did I let them do those things to me? So what
if I was a little kid and didn’t know any better- I knew it was not the right
thing to do, so why did I do those things? Is there something wrong with me?
These are the questions I have been dealing with a
lot lately.
Deep down, I know that if I want to move forward,
then I need to forgive myself and also truly forgive those who have hurt me.
Part of the reason it has been so difficult to
forgive is that most of those people have not really changed. Most of them have
yet to even apologize for what they have done to me. Sometimes I wonder if it
is worth it to forgive them if they keep doing the same thing that led me to
forgive them in the first place.
But isn’t that how God works towards us?
I know personally that I have apologized to others
and God for something and then continued to do the same thing, usually not on
purpose. Sometimes I believe that true repentance is a process, not just a
click of the finger and everything’s okay. To truly change a behavior takes
time.
No matter what, though, God always forgives us.
And His forgiveness is a gift, not something that we can earn by doing good
things.
Max Lucado shines light on one of the most
symbolic representations of the forgiveness we find in God. He talked about how
Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. Jesus Christ became a servant and literally
washed the feet of those who doubted him and even betrayed him.
I do not know if I would even be able to wash the
feet of those people in my life who have hurt me so deeply.
But as Christians and as human beings, I believe
that we are called to forgive. It’s not necessarily for those who have hurt us.
It is about moving forward and not letting the anger rule our lives. It is not
saying what the person did was right at all, which is something I have
personally struggled with.
As I have shared previously, in the past few months
when I was having bouts of spasms and stuttering, I was mocked, laughed at and
ignored at various times by many people. In those times, I continually said to
myself, “Forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.”
Jesus Christ came to love and to heal, yet he was
mocked, laughed at, ignored, and eventually brutally murdered by those he
loved. I find truth in those words that He said on the cross, because I have
felt them and said them. I have prayed for and loved those who have hurt me,
not by my strength but through God’s strength. The people who hurt me in the recent
months and also throughout my life probably do not know the full extent of how
deeply they hurt me. But they do not need to, because I still love them and I
realize that they probably did not know everything that they were doing. They
did not know everything that was going on. They did not realize how deeply it
hurt to be laughed at when I was trying so hard to control my uncontrollable spasms.
But I realized that in order for me to move forward, I needed to ask God to
help me forgive them in those moments. I did not want anger to rule over me.
On a larger scale, I am currently working towards
forgiving those who have hurt me on a much deeper level and for much longer
periods of time in my life. Forgiveness, I think, is one of the most important
steps in the healing process, but it tends to be the most difficult as well,
especially forgiving ourselves.
I do not know everything about forgiveness, and I
do not think I can honestly say that I have fully forgiven those in my past.
But what I can say is that I am on the journey towards forgiveness and healing.
Not for those who have hurt me. But for my ability to move forward and to do
everything that God has called me to do. Again, forgiveness is a process and a
journey.
To forgive is to live. To forgive is to heal. To
forgive is to move forward.
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