Questioning Paranoia

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for my monthly check-up and I asked if I could increase the dose of antipsychotic again, since I'm still having mild paranoia. They said no because there are too many side effects, including weight gain. They said if I'm at the point where I notice my paranoia and can try to control it, then I don't need to increase the dose.

I tend to have a lot of side effects to medications. That's one of the reasons they've tried about 15 medications on me. The ones I'm on now cause me to have acne, gain weight, and have bad memory.

Sometimes I do miss being manic because I have much better memory. I'm much more awake. I think more clearly.

But the medications are necessary and I know I just have to deal with the side effects. I'd much rather deal with the side effects than go through the turmoil and wrath of my schizoaffective disorder. At least my medications keep me stable.

I can't believe that I've held my job for 2 months already. When I first started, I was honestly petrified because it was a new job and I didn't know how I would deal with the stress of a new job. I didn't know if I'd be in and out of the hospital more. I didn't know how I'd deal with the paranoia while working.

It takes a TON of mental effort for me to question my paranoid thoughts, to battle the psychosis and paranoia that  accompany my schizophrenia. When I see people doing things that make me uncomfortable or bring on the paranoia, I have to say to myself over and over again, "It's not about me... They're not spreading rumors." I just repeat it to myself over and over. I do this for most of my waking hours.

Sometimes I want to give up and curl up in my bed and not do anything but avoid people.

But I don't.

I am reminded of how far I've come. I haven't been in the hospital in four months, despite being mentally ill. I'm getting ready for my last semester of graduate school and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm moving forward every single day.

Baby Steps

I just saw a guy that I have a mild crush on so pardon any distractions in this post.

Most of you have probably heard the saying, "baby steps." Many refer to it when they are talking about overcoming something or moving forward through something challenging and difficult.

My Facebook status this morning was:

On my way to work. I can't believe I've held this job for two months already and that Saturday will be four months since my last hospitalization. One step at a time.

There aren't really words that can describe my journey with multiple mental illnesses, but when moments like this happen, I am ecstatic. If you had told me in April, when I just got out of my fourth hospitalization since January, that I would be able to hold a job and be out of the hospital for four months, I don't think I would have believed you.

It's been a journey. That's for sure.

It's not easy keeping a job while dealing with mental illness. I am lucky because my job tends to help me. It keeps my mind off of the illnesses and gives me something to do. I have had points when I was paranoid at work, but I've learned to keep it to myself in a way. I hide it.

Part of dealing with mental illness is being aware of "yourself." I've learned to take notice of the small mental illness things and I ask for help when they get worse. You learn to listen to the signs. For example, I noticed when I was paranoid and called my doctor to change my medication. 

I'm actually seeing my psychiatrist this afternoon and I'm going to see if we can adjust the meds one more time. We had talked about another change the last time we met, so I'm hoping this adjustment will help.

I feel like everything is coming together really nicely and I couldn't be more excited. I've been out of the hospital for four months. I've been able to keep a job for two months. I'm moving forward every single day. One step at a time.

I have a lot of hope...

Climbing Out of a Pit

By now, most of you know that I have recently been struggling with paranoia due to my schizoaffective disorder. I've been thinking people are spreading rumors about me, plotting to do something to me, etc.

But in the past few days, it's been better... Slowly, I am gaining control over my paranoia and moving forward.

The week before last, I didn't even want to leave my apartment but lately I've been outside, talking to people, and going for walks. Yesterday, I went to the lake on campus.

Here's a video I shot of the lake. This video doesn't really do enough justice to how truly beautiful this lake is, because this place is my heaven away from heaven.

I went to a pond near my home as well and saw this beautiful white bird. It let me come right up to it, about 2 feet away, which never happens.

Why are all of the things I'm doing like getting out of the house and going to the lake important?

Because it's my time with God. It's getting me out of the paranoia. God talks to me through birds, the sun, the trees, the beauty of His creation. He lets me know that He is there and that I can talk to Him anytime, especially when others are not available. He lets me know I am loved and He relieves my paranoia.

Getting out of a paranoid state is not an easy thing to do, but each day, I feel better. God is healing me and helping me through everything.

I feel as if I am climbing out of a pit and each step, I get closer to the light.

As I am writing this, I was reminded of a bird I saw this morning. It was a baby bird and it was on the ground trying to fly. It opened its wings but it couldn't fly.

In the same way, sometimes there are things that hold us back because we're afraid or we don't think we can do it. And watching the bird struggle reminded me that it's okay to struggle, but we must never give up. There will be times when we want to, but we must keep moving forward.

Innate Goodness

"Paranoia is...based on the feeling or perception that the world in general, and others in particular, are against me or us. Reality is perceived as hostile."
-Sam Keen

I came across this quote in the new book I am reading about paranoia and terrorism. I think it explains paranoia very well.

Paranoia is one of the most negative things I have ever experienced during my life, other than the abuse I endured for 7 years. When I am extremely paranoid, I cannot trust anyone. I think everybody, even the people trying to help, are after me. In one of my hospital visits, I thought the doctors were going to put me in a straitjacket and throw me in a lake full of alligators. I could not function at all. For most of that visit, I was curled up in a ball hearing voices telling me what the doctors were going to do.

Paranoia is absolutely terrifying. When I am fully paranoid, I think that nobody cares about me and that everybody hates me. It's not that I want to think those things. My logic says that's not true. But paranoia is illogical... It's that when I'm paranoid, those are the thoughts that come into my mind. I cannot really control it. It's nearly impossible to stop those thoughts without medication. The medications have gotten me to the point that I question my paranoid thoughts.

One of the things I have really come across lately is the innate goodness in people. My mom keeps reminding me of my innate goodness and that of others. 

A few days ago, I was at Krispy Kreme to get breakfast on the morning of my move and the man in front of me let me go before him (I don't know why) and the lady in front of him paid for my breakfast. 

One of my best friends in Gainesville helped me move in really hot weather. She has been an incredible blessing to me. Not only did she help me completely move but she also lent me an air mattress. 

I've also met a bunch of people in the past few days at my new apartment and they have all graciously welcomed me.

At the end of the day, I think that people are innately good and that they are not after me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point because it's not what I grew up in. I grew up in abuse and neglect. Healing is a process and takes time.

But slowly and surely, I am moving forward, out of my paranoia.

And it feels great...

God is ever faithful on my journey of mental illness. No matter what comes our way, He is for us.

Taking Back Control

There's something about moving to a new place that is so exciting. I've spent the last two days or so discovering things about my new place and seeing how close I am to places (or how far).

One of the things I love about my new place is that people actually decorate the outside of their apartments. So I joined the club this morning and decorated the outside of my apartment with a table and a chair that I found yesterday. It's a perfect place to sit out and read.

People at my new apartment are so nice. I've had a chance to meet quite a few of my new neighbors in the past few days and it's been a blessing. Not to mention that at my last apartment, I didn't know anyone on my floor until 3 months after I moved in. I love the environment of my new apartment.

I am currently reading a book about paranoia and terror. It was written by a trauma therapist and so I have found it incredibly interesting and helpful even though it's focused on the aftermath of 9/11. I wanted to share a passage that really spoke to me yesterday.

"The [terrorist's] strategy is that of a playground bully who targets someone for random ambush beatings. Of course, the bully may get a charge out of watching his victim suffer physically...but ultimately, it is a psychological game that he plays. What even the grade-school tyrant enjoys most is knowing that his victim feels helpless, and far too hopeless...In this way, he gains influence over another person- keeps him in a state of fear and dread, not just at the time and place of the beatings, but day in and day out."
-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

As I read this quote, I thought to myself, That's what happened to me on a smaller scale in the years of abuse I endured!

What this quote made me realize is that I really do have the control of how much power I give my abuser. It's a "psychological game." For years, I was frightened as a child, but I don't have to let that be my life for the rest of my life. That was then and this is now. It's a new day.

I've had people tell me that the abuse is not actually about the abuse but instead it's about power and control. I think I know what that means now.

I want to take back the power that was stolen from me... I feel that this new move is a great way to begin my process of taking back control.

Hypersensitivity and Hypervigilance

It’s Friday! It’s the most exciting day for most people who work and I am right there along with them. This week has been very tiring but I successfully made it through another week at work.

Paranoia is one of the most frustrating things I have been through. I am honestly frustrated when people say I’m hallucinating things that I see. I get frustrated because I see those things and yet nobody seems to understand my frustration. My therapist told me for about twenty minutes yesterday that what I am seeing is not aimed at me. She repeatedly told me that it’s not about me, there are no rumors, etc. My perceptions are off and I’m hypervigilant.

I guess the greatest explanation I’ve come across regarding my paranoia is that others are doing what I see, but I’m just hypersensitive to it and it makes me paranoid. I think that makes the most sense.

I just can’t even explain my frustration when people say I’m hallucinating what I see. To me, it’s reality and I don’t understand how what I see is not actually happening.

How would you like people constantly questioning your reality?

But another part of me understands what they’re saying because I know I’ve had auditory and visual hallucinations.

It’s very confusing.

Fortunately, my medications have worked to the point that I see what’s happening (at least, I think I do), but it doesn’t really make me paranoid. The medications calm me down so I’ve not on overdrive and hyperly hypersensitive (yes, that’s a word).

Despite the paranoia, I move forward each day and that’s all I can ask for.

Making It Through

Tonight, I am writing this as I sit on an air mattress lent to me by a great friend of mine.

After work today, I had therapy. We talked about some of the paranoia and hypervigilance I’ve been having. She said again that nobody’s after me, nobody’s spreading rumors, etc. I’m still in the process of understanding my paranoia and hypervigilance. It's hard to see that what I am experiencing and seeing is not really happening. The line between reality and fantasy is blurred. Except this fantasy is terrifying. I think having mixed PTSD and schizoaffective disorder can get pretty complicated.

Making the move to another apartment was also terrifying for me and I think my anxiety was up partly because of that, but I’m settled in and very excited about my new apartment. My anxiety and stress has gone down a lot.

Everyday I count my blessings no matter how hard life gets. I have a home. I can talk. I can eat on my own. I can see. I can hear. I have enough money for food. Despite having multiple mental illnesses, I’ve held a part time job for almost two months. I financially supported myself for an entire year. I lived in my old apartment alone despite five hospitalizations. My mom reminded me today that I even passed all of my classes with flying colors despite missing nearly half the semester.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been very scared about next semester, especially with all of my paranoia. I don't know if it will get worse with more people on campus.

I know that I will make it through.

No matter what comes my way, I have hope.