The Love That Never Ends

When I started the journey of this Lenten season, I had no idea where God would lead me. I had no idea of the changes and the amount of healing that I would go through. I had no idea that I would go through so many difficulties.

But through this season, God has truly called my name. He helped me to transform and become closer to Him, closer to Him than I think I ever thought was possible. This morning, during the Easter service at my church, I remembered my baptism. I recommitted to my faith in a way that is very difficult to explain. I realized through the most difficult times in the past 40 days, that the only reason I am here, the only reason I wake up each morning no matter how difficult the day before was, is God and His love and strength. It is only through His strength and guidance that I have endured so much and yet still cling so tightly to Him.

Ever since I moved here last August, I have struggled to make really strong connections with others. I attribute it to my prideful actions and words. I honestly wish I could personally apologize to everyone who I hurt. I think one of the biggest reasons I was so prideful was and is that deep down, I feel like I am not good enough for others. I am ashamed of many things in my past. I grew up being told I was nothing, both through the actions and words of others. My father told me I was stupid and teased me nearly every day.

But there is one event in my life particularly in the past few years that I am most ashamed of.

In past posts and at various points in the past few years, I told people that I fell off a building and that God saved my life. The truth is that I jumped. I was so lost, so broken, so desperate, so empty inside, so ashamed, so shattered, so full of fear, that I thought the only way that I could overcome the difficulties in my life was to permanently end the pain. I thought it was my only way out of the suffering.

But God has continually shown me that through His strength, I can move forward in my life. I do not have to let the painful moments in my life run or ruin everything. I can move forward into wholeness, into a peace which surpasses all understanding.

By the grace of God, I survived the jump. The police said that a tree saved my life. I am also blessed that even though I sustained a few burst fractures in my vertebrae that I can walk and run.

I realized this morning that I do not have to be ashamed of my attempt. In the past few years, I have been extremely ashamed of it. Some of it has been because I do not want to remember how I felt at that time. I tell others that I fell so that I am not bombarded by questions. I do not want to go back there. But still some of the shame came from feeling like I betrayed God; I felt like I was so far from Him. How can He forgive me for trying to take the most wonderful and precious gift- my life- that I have ever been given? How will He ever forgive me for that? Can I really still be loved by God after doing that? Can He really and truly care about me that much?

And the answer to those questions is yes. He tells me all the time how much He loves me.

The main reason I wanted to share this with you is because I can truly say that no matter how bad the things we have done are, God’s love is greater still. As Corrie Ten Boom said, “There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.” Nothing, truly nothing, can separate us from His love.

I have realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of, because Christ has redeemed me in a way that no one and nothing else can redeem me. I do not have to run from my past any longer, because it has made me who I am. It has made me an incredibly strong person. It has made me closer to God than I think I ever have been. His love is more powerful, more full of grace, more full of mercy than any other love in this world.

And that… that is why I choose to live and fight through each day in order to move forward. I have sinned, I have said awful things, I have tried to hide the deep, dark part of me from others, but God has picked me up out of that and truly placed my feet on the firm foundation. He has filled me with a faith and a peace which truly do not make sense. I am not ashamed anymore that He chose to save me from the darkest time in my life or that He chose to call me by my name so that I could run towards Him.

My prayer and hope for you is that you know that you are forgiven. My prayer is that together, we can walk unashamed of the love that was shown on the cross. Our shame gone. Our guilt gone. Our sins washed away. The dirt no longer apparent. White as snow.

My prayer is that you know that there is someone who offers you healing in a way that you could not even imagine. There is someone who goes with you into each of the storms you will face. He forgives you. He loves you. And He never stops loving and healing you. There is nothing, no one greater than Him.

And most of all, He is mighty to save.

The Long Road to a Small Victory

I did something today that was terrifying for me, but it was a major leap forward.

As I’ve been posting about over the past few days, my anxiety has increased. This morning, I was still very hypervigilant, so I decided to go to the butterfly exhibit after going to work for a few hours. As I was there, I sketched this picture. I do not draw a lot at all, but when I do, I find it very therapeutic and calming.

After going to the butterfly exhibit, I took my first big step. I called the doctor’s office which I am supposed to go to in about a month for my first appointment to try to see if they could increase my medication dose. However, they said that they could not do anything and I was told that the only way that I could have my medications adjusted was to go to the Emergency Room.

When I heard this, my heart started racing even more. Every possible awful scenario went through my head. If I go, then I’ll be stuck there for a week and then I’ll be forced to go on a medical leave and then I’ll end up homeless with nowhere to go and basically…my life will cease to exist.

As this cycling of thoughts happened, I realized that there was another side. There was a great possibility that I could go and that I would not end up staying. I realized that if I did not go to the ER to get my meds adjusted today, then the anxiety very well could continue to worsen. I realized that if I “nipped it in the bud” now, then I may be able to stop it from getting to a point in which I would be forced to stay in the hospital.

So I walked to the ER…

As they took my vitals, my blood pressure was abnormally high. Everybody at the hospital was very nice. I ended up being in and out of the ER in just over three hours. My medication was slightly adjusted and we talked about a plan in case my anxiety gets worse again. 

As I walked out of the ER, I felt like a huge burden had been lifted.

I texted a few people to let them know what happened (I only let one person know I went to the ER). I was searching Google Maps to see if I could find a nearby pharmacy and something pretty funny happened. For some reason, when I typed in “CVS,” Google Maps gave me a route from where I was to about five states away. Yeah, Google... I'm in the mood to walk thousands of miles to a pharmacy right after spending a few hours in an ER. Right.

As I thought about it, I laughed but then something occurred to me.

Sometimes, it takes a very long time to move forward. Sometimes we have to go a very long route or we have to wait a very long time in order to take very big leaps forward in our lives. It seems like the negativity never ends. The difficulties will never cease. There will always be mountains to climb. Sometimes that long route may seem extremely frustrating, but when we finally look back on everything we have endured and overcome, it is incredibly satisfying as we take the major steps forward necessary to live a fulfilling life.

Having mental illnesses is not easy. Not only because it is chronic and I have to deal with it every day. But because many people around me do not know what to say or do. I do not want pity. I do not want attention. I just want to move forward and become a whole person. There are many stigmas about mental illness that I and millions of other people have to deal with. I think that many people do not understand it so they try to avoid it.

But I am a human being, just like everybody else. I may have days when I think the FBI is after me or my doctor is Michelle Obama, but there are days when I wake up and I make a difference in the world and in the lives of those around me. Yes, some days are worse battles than others, but who of us can say that everything is easy? We all have struggles.

Part of writing this blog is to help others understand not only how my faith has helped me overcome huge obstacles and struggles in my life, but also to share my healing journey with others. Sometimes out of the most difficult things we are faced with in life come the greatest triumphs. I want others to know that no matter what struggles we have to deal with in this life, there is hope. And sometimes that hope rises after the storm.

Today was a victorious day for me...

So I leave you with this song.

The Incomprehensible Truth

The past few days have been very difficult, to be truly honest. I have had some hypervigilance and some points in my days in which I just completely started sobbing. Yesterday, before I went to the Good Friday service at my church, I spent half an hour in the shower weeping. As I weep, I feel a release of all of the burdens I have carried ever since I was a little child.

The mind and the brain are very interesting. Lately, I have felt that some people question my memories of growing up because of the fact that I had a psychotic breakdown a few weeks ago that led to my ninth hospitalization. But my memories are what led to that psychosis. Right before my hospitalization, I had flooding memories. Memories of nearly every part of my life, whether good or bad, just came into my mind and I could not stop it. The flooding was just uncontrollable. It was almost as if the neural networks in my brain were on overdrive.

As the memories came, I tried to piece them together, trying to make sense of them. Not all of them were new memories. As I tried to make sense of the memories, that was when the psychosis began.

When I was in the hospital, I thought that all of the other patients were people from all throughout my life. They even took on the voices of different people who have been in my life, people who I have not even talked to since I was a little child. Their voices were clear as day.

As I started to take the medications, the voices of the people throughout my life started to fade. The other patients and the doctors around me took on their normal voices and I “woke up.” I realized that they were not people from throughout my life. But the memories were still there and still are.

The reason I wanted to share this is because sometimes we want to know “why.” We want God to explain Himself, why He allowed very difficult things in our lives. If you watch the mass media after any disaster, they immediately try to figure out what happened and "why." As humans, I think that we always want answers, especially since so much information is available in our society. 

As my memories started flooding, I immediately wanted to explain everything. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth from lies that I have been told throughout my life. I wanted to know how all of those things could have happened to me for so long. I wanted to know why I felt like people were questioning the validity of my memories, which I have had my entire life.

But the more I asked those questions, the more I searched for the answers to “why,” the more psychotic I became. The more hypervigilant I was. The more other people questioned the validity of what my mind had pieced together with all of the memories.

Currently, I am still having a lot of memories. The other morning, I saw a picture from when I was in elementary school and the memories began flooding again. I still want the answers of “why.” Why was my family the way it was? How could all of that stuff happen to me? Where was God? Why did He not stop it? 

I still want to search for the truth. I still want justice to be served for the people who made my childhood and my life in general miserable at times. I want to know the truth, because I have been told many lies throughout my life, especially the last few years.

I read something very powerful the other day. Jesus even felt alone. He even felt what it was like to ask God where He was? Why did He not save Jesus on the cross?

"About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lemasabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)" -Matthew 27:46 (NIV)

I think that even Jesus felt frustrated at God. At the darkest time in Jesus's life, God did not show up and take His son off the cross. He allowed His son to go through a miserable death on the cross.

The more I think about everything, the more I am coming to realize that the truth is something that I may never know. Never see. Never understand. Never fully comprehend. I do not know if I will ever know or be able to understand and explain everything that I have been through.

Because sometimes evil is incomprehensible.

The most important truth is that I am God’s child, as we all are. The truth is that we are unconditionally loved by our Creator, even when we do not trust others on this earth to love us. When God says that He loves us, He truly means it. He means it in a way that I do not think anybody could mean when they say “I love you.”

When God says that he loves me, it is usually through nature. Every time I see a sunrise or a sunset, I hear Him say “I love you.” I do not actually hear a voice, but He speaks through the beauty of the clouds. He speaks through the beauty of a butterfly flying around me. He speaks through the beauty of a white bird coming to sit by me at the lake. That is how He chooses to comfort me throughout this difficult time.

Through nature, He says to me “I am with you through this storm. I will get you through this. Keep trusting me.”

I wanted to leave this post with a song that really has helped me in many ways, especially through this time of grieving my childhood and realizing some things about my past which I have either denied or kept in for most of my life.

At the most difficult times in our lives, I believe that we truly are called to “Cry Out to Jesus.” When others do not have the words to say to us in order to comfort us, He always has the words to comfort. He is the ultimate Comforter. The ultimate Healer. The ultimate Transformer.

Walking Through the Valley Unafraid

I am going to admit it.

This life is difficult and we will face challenges.

The past two days, I have been very hypervigilant, particularly in the afternoon. Very jumpy. I jump at the slightest clap or loud noise.

But the greatest thing is that I was able to control my hypervigilance for the first time yesterday. I stopped it before it became a bigger issue.

How?

I reminded myself that God was with me. I said Psalm 23 over and over in my head. Whenever I’ve been having flashbacks lately, I have been reminding myself that God is there and He will never let me go, never leave me, never abandon me.

As I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, I grew up in a very difficult family situation. I grew up knowing almost every police officer. I grew up hearing “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” I grew up watching my family being torn apart by violence. Threats. Punching walls. Stealing to pay for drugs. You name it, I saw it.

Part of my hypervigilance comes from not being understood or believed. This stems from feeling alone my entire life. I felt like nobody had my back, except for God.

I clung to Scripture because it has always given me so much hope, even in the darkest times in my life. When I felt alone, when I cried myself to sleep, I clung to the hope found in the Bible. I clung to the hope that there really is a God who loves me and my pastors at my church were really telling the truth. I decorated my room with Scripture. I read my Bible day and night as a teenager. I even gave a children’s sermon at my church on Youth Sunday. I went to church when nobody else in my family wanted to go.

Why?

Because there is so much power in God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. There is so much grace and mercy found in Jesus.

I broke down this morning. I was praying at church during a 24 hour prayer time as I looked up at a cross. It really spoke to me. Christ humbled himself and suffered for all of us. There is so much power in that. I do not know if I can really get it across in a blog post how truly magnificent and powerful that is. God loved us so much that He sacrificed His son.

Through my anxiety and the different issues I deal with on a daily basis, much of which is a result of my upbringing, I realize that we are truly never alone. No matter how alone you feel, no matter how dark your life feels, no matter how bad you think you cannot go on any longer, know that there is a God who loves you unconditionally. No matter what you’ve done or not done.

And he understands you…

I wrote this poem a few years ago when I felt very misunderstood.

I am

Was

Will be

Misunderstood

The pain

No one understands

The tears

No one understands

The fear

No one understands

The nightmares

No one understands

The flashbacks

No one understands

Reliving day after day

What made me

Different

What made me feel

weird

disgusting

Misunderstood

No one understands

But God

I can say all I want about God, but honestly I do not know everything about Him. What I have said in this blog comes from years and years of studying the Bible, listening to sermons, attending and leading Bible studies and just being in the presence of God.

But His Word, His truth, His strength, and His presence in my life is what has carried me this far.

It honestly is not by my strength. Yes, I’ve worked hard to get to where I am. But God has continually saved my life, literally. He has been and always will be the only stable thing in my life.

When all else fails, He understands, He cares, He loves, He forgives, and most importantly, He helps me continue to move forward.

And He does the same for you.

“If God be for us, who can be against us?” –Romans 8:31 (KJV)

No matter what you’re going through, I hope you know that you can continue to fight, knowing that God is with you every step of the way.

There have been many songs on my playlist that have been on replay, specifically about overcoming fear so I wanted to share one of my favorites: Unafraid by Joy Williams

Faith in the Storm

“Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.” 

–Matthew 16:24 (KJV)

As I continue to open up about my faith and the obstacles that I have had to face to get to where I am now, I have faced a lot of opposition. Lately, it feels like people, especially those who do not believe in God, are questioning everything I talk about regarding my faith.

I have talked to friends from all different faiths throughout my life, because I do not believe in blindly following something, especially someone or something I cannot see. I also love to learn more about different cultures and how different people live.

Many people think that once you surrender your life to God, your life will all of a sudden become super easy. Money will start pouring in from nowhere. Success will be yours.

However, as someone who has believed in God throughout my entire life, I can say that I feel like sometimes the struggles become greater when you surrender to God.

I believe that it’s not because He’s a terrible God. I actually think it’s because He knows what He is doing, even when it seems like He doesn't. I completely believe that He gives us challenges to mold us into who He wants and needs us to be. I want to share some of my favorite Bible passages that speak about how God works in our lives through the obstacles we face.

“Count it all joy, my brethren, when ye fall into various temptations, knowing that the proving of your faith works endurance. But let endurance have [its] perfect work, that ye may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

–James 1:2-4 (Darby)

“Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ” 

-1 Peter 1:6-7 (KJV)

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (KJV)

“we also boast in tribulations, knowing that tribulation works endurance; and endurance, experience; and experience, hope; and hope does not make ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by [the] Holy Spirit which has been given to us.” 

–Romans 5:3-5 (Darby)

God does not promise us an easy life. Jesus did not have an easy life either. He was persecuted, mocked, ignored, ridiculed, tested, bruised, broken and murdered so that we could be free. He was betrayed by one of his followers, Judas. He loved everyone, even those who hurt him deeply.

I believe that God allows certain things to happen in our lives and some of those things are evil because we live in a broken world. However, God helps us to get through the challenges and obstacles. He gives us everything we need to get through them, especially the strength that only comes from Him.

I would not be here without His strength in my life. I would not be typing this blog post. It is only by His strength that I wake up each morning and fight through another day, even when it feels like I have no strength left.

Through the challenges, we grow and learn so much more than if we had not gone through those challenges. As we go through the painful moments, sometimes it is so difficult to see what God is going to do through the storms. But He is always with us, especially in the storms of life. We never are alone.

It takes faith in the storms to keep going, to believe that a better day is on its way.

Ultimately, we know that good will overcome and be triumphant. Jesus conquered sin, death and evil on the cross. No matter how many evil things happen in our lives, we know that good will win. 

Because it already has.

With our faith, there is nothing that we cannot do.

The Long Journey

“If we will not wait, we will not receive the many blessings the Lord intends for us. The Lord is not a God of quick fixes and fifteen-minute spiritual tune-ups, but a God of long-term, and indeed eternal promises.” 

- Thomas D. Williams, Can God Be Trusted?

I have had many points in my life in which I was frustrated about how long it seemed that God was taking to answer my prayers.

Growing up, I was and still am the only person in my family who has not dealt with drug or alcohol addiction. As I watched drugs and alcohol tear my family apart, I spent countless hours praying and reading Scripture. I cannot even begin to tell you how many prayers I said for each of my family members.

Recently, my family has begun to come together and overcome the addictions. As frustrating as it was to pray for many years, it is very encouraging how far my family members have come.

However, my oldest brother committed suicide in 2007. After years of dealing drugs, spending many hours in various prisons across the East Coast and with the FBI after him at one point, he gave up the fight.

So did God not answer my prayers?

I believe He answered my prayers in an unexpected way. God used his death to do something wonderful…

His death brought my family together. Not just my immediate family, but my external family on my mother’s side, who had not talked to each other in many years.

God truly can take the worst situations and make something great out of them. Often, though, this is a very long process. I spent most of my life praying for my family and just in recent years, I have seen my prayers being answered.

I have been hospitalized nine times in the past seven years. In that same time, my doctors gave me 14 different medications. During my most recent hospitalizations, I had almost given up hope on my doctors ever finding the right medication.

But once again, God answered my prayers, even though it took seven years. The medication I am currently on has had very positive effects on me. I sleep better.  I think more clearly. I eat better. I am able to control my emotions easier. I am able to concentrate.

As frustrating as it is to wait for God to answer our prayers, when the victory comes, it is felt even stronger. The darker the pit, the more glorious the light of God looks. The more time we spend in despair, the more our hearts are full of joy when God's love shines through.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Facing the Giants. In this movie, a football coach faces various obstacles but he finds faith in God throughout the movie. At the end of the movie, one of his biggest prayers is answered. In a few words, he summarizes what it is like when God answers our prayers, no matter how long we have to wait: God, I’m overwhelmed.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Psalm 40:1-3

“I waited patiently for the Lord; 

and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. 

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, 

out of the miry clay, 

and set my feet upon a rock, 

and established my goings. 

And he hath put a new song in my mouth, 

even praise unto our God: 

many shall see it, and fear, 

and shall trust in the Lord.” 

–Psalm 40:1-3 (KJV)

I promise that if you wait for God to answer your prayers, knowing that He never gives up on you or abandons you, He will surprise you. He not only answers prayers but sometimes He answers prayers in a completely different way than you expected… most often much better than you expect.

Will you wait for His answers? What will you do as you wait?

Renewed Day By Day

“If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!”

-Luke 12:28 (NIV)

This verse came to my mind this morning as I took this photo:

I’m going to admit it. Sometimes it is hard to trust God.

Growing up, there were many times when my family was not sure how much food we would have for the next week. But God always shown through.

God always provides, maybe not when we want Him to or how we want Him to, but He always does...

When my mother lost her job when I was growing up, we were worrying a lot about money. When she was volunteering as a teacher for Vacation Bible School at our church, one of the other women asked me to get the key to our family van. I did not think twice so I got the key. Later, when we were getting ready to leave the church, we opened up the van. Our van was full of food and supplies. I still cry to this day thinking about it. One of the women at my church decorated the van with Bible verses, including this one:

“For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.”

-Psalm 91:11 (KJV)

In high school, when I was going through a period of “couch-surfing” due to being evicted, one of my teachers gave me a huge bag of really nice hand-me-down clothing. It did not matter to me that the clothes were used. It meant the world to me to have "new" clothes to wear to school.

After we moved in to a new apartment in the middle of my senior year of high school, I started to receive college acceptance letters. Our new fear was now how I was going to finance college. The money that my grandparents had saved up for my education went towards my oldest brother's funeral costs. I was literally left with nothing. But that did not phase God for a second.

Once again, God provided and I recently graduated from college.

I cannot even begin to tell  you how many hours I spent in college trying to figure out how I was going to pay the tuition, how many sleepless nights…

“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

-Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

None of us truly can add an hour to our lives by worrying.

Since I have an anxiety disorder, sometimes it is very challenging to not worry. But when I start to worry about things, I try to remember how far I have come and how much God has helped me through every single obstacle I have faced. Why would He stop now after everything He helped me get through?

The question becomes not about if He is going to provide or answer my prayers, but how He will.

With God, we truly have nothing to fear, because He is always on our side.

I’m going to admit it… I think our world needs to change in major ways. I am deeply saddened to know how many people do not pray on a daily basis. Prayer, to me, is the essence of our relationship with God.

The points in my life when I had the most doubts about God were not only the most difficult points in my life, but they also were the times when I was not in communication with God. It was not that He was there… I was just too stubborn to listen. I thought I could handle things on my own. It is really difficult to think about some of the things I said about God. I literally thought I could do everything by myself.

The more I have been in communication with Him lately, I have realized how much I need God to get through the storms. I also realized that our world needs to listen to Him more than ever.

My family has not had a car for six years. I never got my license because the car I was supposed to drive ended up being totaled by a family member. I spent a lot of time frustrated at this family member. How could they leave our family without a car? How could they do that to me? How could they make me have to ask for rides all the time?

But the more I am without a car, I realize how tremendous of a blessing it is not to have a car. I feel like when people drive, they miss out so much of the beauty of God. As they rush to the next meeting or their next destination, they do not have a chance to enjoy the beauty of the sunsets, the sunrises and the beauty of nature. Instead, they are buried in rage at other drivers or so distracted by where they have to get to that they miss the beauty.

I feel completely blessed to not have a car. I highly prefer to walk everywhere I have to be, because I get an opportunity to enjoy all of God’s creation. He speaks to me through nature.

Many people ask me where I take my photos. Most are shocked when I tell them that it is somewhere they pass by all of the time.

I am left asking, When did our society get too busy for God? Why is our only communication with God usually the one hour service on Sunday?

The more time I have spent with God lately, the more I realize how powerful, how majestic, and how beautiful He is…

I am literally going through one of the most difficult times in my life, but the more time I spend with Him, the more I realize that God’s got my back when nobody else does. He can piece together my life in a way that nothing and nobody on this earth can. He is not just a crutch… He holds my life together when I literally feel everything falling apart. He weeps with me, empathizes with me, and is there when my surroundings seem dreary, cloudy and dark.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 
-2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)

Let God renew your life. I can promise you from experience that it will be the best step you ever make in your life. Allow Him to be the center of your life. Allow Him to take away your fears and doubt.

And it’s not just a two-second decision. Walking with God is a process and a journey. I did not just wake up one day and say “Hallelujah! Jesus is the center of my life.” For me, God has shown Himself in so many parts of my life that I have no other decision but to believe in Him and spend my life getting to know Him.

My pastor posted this video and I wanted to share it, because I think it really illustrates how God can take our brokenness, the points when we feel “worn,” and make something absolutely beautiful with the mess. He truly can take the worst situations and turn them into something absolutely gorgeous and amazing.

I cried the first time I watched this video because I have felt "worn." I have had many moments in my life when I felt like I couldn't go on. My prayer is that no matter where you are at, no matter how difficult things are in your life, that you allow God to work through you and in you.

Serenity Within the Battle

“Trust in God allows us to accept the many ups and downs in life with the assurance that he has a bigger plan, and that he knows what he is doing.”

- Thomas D. Williams, Can God Be Trusted?

There are so many things in this life that are so tough to accept.

My maternal grandfather took his life when I was just seven years old. If you read my diaries from when I was a little child, I admired him so much. Needless to say, I was very upset when I learned of his death. My early diary entries were all questions about what heaven was, where grandpa was, when I would see him again, if he was with God...

As a little child, it was so difficult for me to accept that my grandfather was gone.

My grandfather's favorite prayer to say was a well-known prayer, The Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
-Reinhold Niebuhr

There are so many things in this life that we wish never happened or that we could change. But our past is out of our control. It is done with. Over. We cannot change anything that has happened in our past. Often, I want to change what happened in my childhood. I have a lot of quotes on my wall and one of my favorite ones says "It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else." It is a reminder that I can only control what happens now and I do not have to let the regrets of the past rule over my life.

Staying in the present is really difficult for me as I deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In a matter of seconds, at random points of each day, I am back in various traumatic experiences I endured as I grew up. All of my senses tell my brain that I am back there. My muscles tense up. I do not hear anything around me, except what happened in the past. The fear and terror invade my mind. I am no longer 23 years old. I am back there, fighting for my life.

Whether or not you struggle with PTSD, I think that every human being deals with the constant battle of either going back to the past or worrying about the future. We spend a lot of time regretting past mistakes or worrying about how we are going to pay the bills.

But God wants us to be in the present, to feel His presence in any circumstance and to move forward with our full trust in Him. No matter what circumstances we are in, no matter how challenging the mountains in front of us seem, He is with us.

I do not know about you, but I find that very exciting. It is comforting to know that no matter how lonely I feel, I truly am never alone.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” –Psalm 46:10a (KJV)

How many times do we truly stop and just take in the awesomeness, goodness and grace of God?

I was very frustrated with some stuff this past week. My frustration led my stress and anxiety to get very high at various points this past week. But I realized that instead of worrying, I could control my reactions in a healthy way and move forward. I stopped, realized how high my anxiety was and I prayed about the entire situation. I read Scripture. I stopped what I was doing and listened to God clearly. I can say that God answered my prayers in amazing ways. Not necessarily how I expected... Actually better than I expected.

I know personally that the more time we stop our busy lives to be still in God’s presence, the less time we spend on our regrets or those things in our past, the less time we spend worrying about the future and the more we accept where we are in this life and that God goes with us.

Many people know that I fell about 40 feet off a four story building a few years ago. Not only did the police officers tell my family that a tree saved my life by breaking my fall, but the doctors told my mother that they were very nervous about my spine due to various burst fractures in my vertebrae. For three months after the fall, I had to wear a body brace. My mother told me that if I did not wear it, my body would literally fall apart. My vertebrae were shattered. 

Every morning for those three months, I woke up and put the body brace on. My body brace felt like a breastplate so each morning as I put on the brace, I prayed that God would help me put on the armor of God.

"Wherefore take up the whole armor of God, 

that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, 

and, having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having girded your loins with truth, 

and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,

and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

withal taking up the shield of faith, 

wherewith ye shall be able to quench 

all the fiery darts of the evil one.

And take the helmet of salvation, 

and the sword of the Spirit, 

which is the word of God."

-Ephesians 6:13-17 (ASV)

With the armor of God and with God all around us and within us through the Holy Spirit, we can get through any storm that comes our way.

This life gets very difficult and many times, we do not know how we will get through the day. Trust me, I know…

But God promises us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He goes with us, so we do not have to be afraid of our future. We have to stick in the present, accept that we cannot change the past and know that our future is in God’s hands.

“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: 

for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; 

he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.” 

–Deuteronomy 31:6 (KJV)

I want to end this blog with my favorite version of two well-known hymns that really illustrates what it is like to put our faith in God and to know that He walks with us.

If we let Him lead us, there truly is nothing to fear…

Hands and Feet

That is why Scripture says:

“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

-James 4:6 (NIV)

Do you ever feel like when God is teaching you something or you’ve been talking about something that God is teaching you, He tests you even more?

I have felt like that a lot lately.

Ever since I have been blogging about humility and how God is helping rid me of my pride, I have had more temptations lately.

But when I want to tell someone something great that I have been doing or thinking about, I have been trying to stop myself and ask, “What is my main aim here? Is it to gain their admiration? Is it to make them think I’m cool?”

I have gotten to a point in my life in which I honestly do not want my name to be known but I want His to be known through my words and my actions.

Through my prideful actions, I have hurt a lot of people and I do know that. I wish I could apologize to each and every person.

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.

-Socrates

I agree with Socrates because compared to everything there is to know, I probably know less than 0.000000001% of all the knowledge there is. There are hundreds of websites created each day with new information about new technologies from new companies.

There is no way that one could possibly know everything.

Except God…

God knows you. He knows me. He knows everything about this world. He knows everything about this universe. He designed quantum physics. He designed the central nervous system. He designed our DNA.

One thing that God has been speaking to me about throughout this humbling experience is that as Christians and as human beings we are called to serve others.

Jesus said...

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

-John 15:13 (KJV)

We are called to be servants of Christ. We are called to put on the armor of God every single morning and allow God to work through us in every situation. Every interaction we have with others is a God-given opportunity to show God’s love to others.

I’m going to admit...This is hard.

But it is so worth it.

As servants of Christ, I do not think we are called to let others take advantage of us. But I do believe that if we let God work through us in our relationships with others, God can do miraculous things.

Some of my pride comes from trying to prove myself to others and to myself. As a child, I went through unimaginably bad circumstances and as a result, I grew up feeling like a nobody, like I had nothing to offer to this world. But at the same time, I overcame many challenges, I focused on my gifts to the point that all I wanted to do was talk about my gifts instead of letting people know my deep feelings of hurt and despair. I did not really let anybody into that deep, dark part. I wanted them only to see my gifts and talents.

Throughout this experience, I have learned that I do not need to prove myself to anybody. All I need to do is allow God to work through me.

This is a process and we make mistakes. I still have moments when I feel prideful or that I need to prove myself because of the deep feelings of shame and guilt. But in those moments, God keeps changing and transforming me to be who He needs me to be in this world, if we let Him.

I know that He will do the same for you, no matter what you are personally dealing with.

I’m going to leave you with a song by one of my favorite bands, Casting Crowns. It talks about different situations in the church in which people feel left out and it begs the questions about why the church is not being the “hands and feet” of God as much as we can be. I think part of that is humbling ourselves before God and truly surrendering our lives so that He can change the world through us.