Blessings in Hard Times

"There is no conflict man can endure that will not produce a blessing."
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

I completely agree with Don Miller when he says that conflicts in our lives can bring blessings. Even the most difficult times in my life have brought blessing.

Sometimes going through tough times makes us more aware of the beauty in our lives, the good times that may have gone unnoticed had we not gone through difficulties.

When my oldest brother died, I went to my high school and gave speeches about not doing drugs or drinking. Through his death, I was able to tell my story and his story at my school, something I never thought about until after he died. I hope that I made a difference in at least one person's life.

When I was homeless, I ended up volunteering at a camp for kids and adults with special needs. It was one of the most blessed times in my life, even in such hardship.

As you go through life, remember that sometimes the hardest times in our lives are actually blessings in disguise.

Living Each Day

"The experience is so slow you could easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're used to it. We all are like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given- it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral."
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

How powerful is this quote? It makes me want to enjoy life even more than I am already.

I went to a Book Club last night at my library. I did not know who would be there but I ended up knowing someone. I had an absolute blast and it reminded me that it's the small things in life that we need to enjoy, the precious gifts we have from God. Last night was full of laughter to the point of crying as we discussed the book. To say it was full of fun is an understatement.

I agree that life is so slow sometimes that we forget to appreciate the beauty of what God has given us. We think it's just another day. But we need to be reminded that every day is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God.

I've come close to death a few times in my life so I always try to make the most of every day. You never know when your last day will be here so you must enjoy life as it comes, no matter how difficult.

Live each day as if it is your last...

The Waves Raging

"When God is the center of a soul, although disasters may crowd in on all sides and roar like the waves of the sea, there is a constant calm within."
-L. B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Jan. 29 Devotion

Have you ever felt like the waves are raging in your life, that things are crazy and unmanageable?

I have.

But it is in those moments that I remember that God is here for me and that nothing can take His love away from me. No matter what happens.

I have come a long way in the last year, thanks to God. There were many moments (and still are) when I am paranoid and psychotic; my mind is twisted in all directions, but I still hold on to the truth that an be found in God. He will never leave me nor forsake me, even when the waves are raging. Especially when they are raging.

It is only through God that I find calm and peace within the storms.

1000 Miles

 Yesterday, I achieved my ongoing goal of reaching 1000 miles of walking/running. Anybody who knows me knows that I have been walking with an app called Charity Miles, in which they donate 25 cents for each mile walked or run to about 20 different charities.

I have raised over $250 for some of the charities. In total, I have raised money to feed hundreds of people around the world, along with raising money for research for various diseases. Some of my favorite charities donate eyeglasses and shoes to children in need. I have walked for Habitat for Humanity and the Special Olympics as well.

There are no words to describe how much it means to me to be blessed enough to be able to walk and run for charities anywhere I want, all the time. It doesn't take much to walk a few miles and through doing that, I am able to bless many people.

If I can make a small difference in the lives of others, my life has been meaningful.

I started walking with Charity Miles after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. I wanted something that would help me deal with the disorders. It started out as a coping mechanism, but as I realized how much walking helped others too, I made the goal to walk 1000 miles. I believe that walking has helped me to maintain my mental health enough to be 9 and a half months out of the hospital.

For now, my next goal is 2500 miles, which may take a few years. But I will achieve it. 

How Long Oh Lord

"Facing the past as it may surface in my life today doesn't mean I have to stay stuck in it... Coming to terms with my history and letting go of it does not deny what happened. Instead, it allows me to enjoy today and to move into the future, encumbered by the weight of ancient emotions."
-Hope for Today, Jan. 27 Devotion

"If we say to ourselves, 'How long, oh Lord, how long!' we are wallowing in self-pity. We have at our command the means of climbing out of the pit we are in if we will but use them."
-One Day at a Time, Jan. 27 Devotion

As most Americans did last night, I watched the Grammys (or at least the first hour and a half). I just watched Macklemore's performance of "Same Love," which included 33 couples being married, some gay, some straight, some interracial. To say it was powerful is kind of an understatement. And I began to think about how our world as a whole is moving forward.

I personally am excited about Macklemore's performance. It means that our society is moving forward.

We learn from the past but it's just that- the past. And we move forward, not by feeling bad for ourselves (self-pity) but by choosing to move forward through using what we have around us to help us. We always have the ability to move forward into what God has planned for us.

It may not always be easy to move forward, sometimes it may be downright difficult, but we always have a decision- to stay stuck in the past or to move forward into God's plan for our lives.

The Steps

"Everything about my recovery- my perceptions, attitudes, and choices- begins and ends with me."
-Hope for Today (Alanon), Jan. 26 Devotion

"I'd read the Twelfth Step many times before I saw it. But there it was: 'Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...' What a promise! If I worked these steps, I'd have a spiritual awakening!... Those wonderful Twelfth Step words gave me the encouragement I needed to begin at the beginning. Slowly, sometimes painfully, I worked my way through the Steps. In time, something amazing happened. I was filled with a sense of my God and His love for me. I felt whole. I knew I'd never be the same again."
-Courage to Change (Alanon), Jan. 26 Devotion

What are your perceptions of A.A. and Alanon? To many who have no idea what it is, they picture people sitting in a circle saying "Hi, my name is ...... and I'm an alcoholic." After all, that's the way movies and the media portray it. They don't usually show the whole meaning of the group.

As I said a few days ago, I've been to both Alanon and AA meetings, although I've never touched alcohol. To tell you the truth, I was bothered by the steps. I don't fully know why. However, I think I just got tired of hearing them at the beginning of the meetings. I often drifted off into space...

Until now.

Reading the Alanon books every morning has given me a new take on AA and Alanon. It is not just about the steps. Like the person who wrote today's devotion, I want a spiritual awakening through the steps. I have had a strong relationship with God my whole life but I want to heal from the hurt and damage that has been done due to alcoholism in my family. And I believe the steps may be able to help.

I have begun to look at them in a new light and I see how they can offer me a way to move forward in a new way.

The Road to Healing

"We don't get to choose where we came from, but we can choose where we go from there."
-Perks of Being a Wallflower

Today is January 25, 2014.

On January 25, 2007, my life changed forever when my oldest brother committed suicide. I cannot believe it's been 7 years...

To say it's been difficult to lose a sibling is an understatement, especially at such a young age- 25 years old. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday.

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday, without knowing much of what it was about. I had seen a trailer for it and it looked like a fun movie. It meant a lot more to me than I ever thought it would. Without giving too much away for those who haven't seen it, the main character has flashbacks to when he was a little boy and something really bad happened. At the end of the movie, he comes to terms with his past through the help of a doctor in a hospital.

It meant a lot to me, because I related to him in so many ways. It took a lot for him to move forward, as it has for me.

The quote above reminded me that we can always heal from difficult times.

In life, we will undoubtedly face difficulties. We will lose loved ones. We will have pasts that may be difficult. But we always have the choice to move forward, not forgetting what has happened but moving forward with the help of God...

God at the Forefront

This morning, I am very excited. i honestly can barely keep it in. I got my first call back from an employer that I applied to (a job I really want!) but we kind of played phone tag and I am waiting to get a call back this morning to hear if I got an interview.

I also called NYU yesterday to see if they got my application. They said they were still collecting resumes and it would be a few weeks.

Not only that, but my book that I am working on is 255 pages and I'm a little more than halfway done. After I finish working on it, I am going to edit it to get it to less than 300 pages (a tip that I got from a fellow writer). Once I am done, I am going to send it to publishers (or get an agent). This is a dream of mine that I have waited to have time to work on for a few years and now it's happening!

My life these days is going better than I could have ever asked for. I am ecstatic about everything that is going on and that great things are happening. It's been a little over a month since I left Florida and I am making great strides to continue to move forward.

And best of all, my paranoia is finally gone... I cannot believe the tremendous progress that I am making.

And I could not have done it without God being at the forefront.              

Newfound Respect

"First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help. After taking these two steps, it becomes possible, desirable and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power's care."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 23 Devotion

Let me be real for a second.... I have heard about AA and Alanon for the great majority of my life. I went to a couple meetings of each, although I am not an alcoholic and have never even drank a sip of alcohol. But I never understood the first step (Admit that your life is unmanageable).

I never understood it until this morning when I read it. Why? Because I've been stubborn. I am the type of person who thinks I have control of things. One thing that also frustrated me was that why would I say my life is unmanageable because of alcohol when I have never even touched it? In some ways I felt I didn't belong. 

I don't want to admit that I may not have control of things. As a child growing up in an abusive and alcoholic home, I always wanted to fix things in my family. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted things to be better.

But what I didn't understand until now is that the first step and the second step work together. Instead of relying on ourselves to make things better, we are supposed to trust God to help us move forward through the unmanageable lifestyles we lead. And I think that this applies to anyone, not just alcoholics or family and friends of alcoholics.

Needless to say, I have a newfound respect for AA and Alanon. I honestly used to be frustrated when I sat in a meeting and they read the steps. Why couldn't I control my life? Why couldn't I make things better? Why do I have to admit that my life is unmanageable?

But now I know the deeper meaning in the steps. And I have to get rid of my stubborness...

Prayer in the Rough and Good Times

"If the problems I have to face seem beyond my endurance, I will not explain them to God; He already knows. I will not tell Him what I expect Him to do about my difficulties; He knows what is best for me. When I am faced with something which it is beyond my power to perform, to decide, or to cope with, I will not struggle with it by myself. I will ask Him to show me what steps to take."

-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Jan. 22 Devotion

This passage from the devotion really made me think about prayer and how we should pray to God. It made some points that God already knows what's best for us and we don't need to pray for certain things, just guidance.

To me, prayer is an ongoing conversation with God, through nature, through every part of my life, through the sunsets and the sunrises. He communicates with me in  nearly every aspect of my life.

I used to be a prayer minister for a prayer hotline until my mental illness got so bad. I loved being able to pray for others. There was an old man who used to call every Sunday morning. He used to tell me what he was going through at the time and also different parts of his life. I was thinking about this man yesterday when I was reminded of the prayer line.

I used to wait for him to call, because he was such a joyful man despite his difficulties. I think he just wanted someone to talk to honestly. It was such a joy to listen to him talk about his life. And over the times that I talked to him, I grew to know him. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I miss talking with him. I loved hearing about how God was working in his life, even through small things.

I believe that prayer brings us closer not only to God, but it has the power to bring us closer to others, especially those who we pray for. It's not only about praying for the negative stuff in our lives but also rejoicing in the beautiful and wonderful things that God is doing in our lives...

Taking Care

"I no longer have to wait until my health, my financial situation, or my emotional state collapses before paying attention to my needs."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 21 Devotion

This quote struck me this morning because knowing how and when to take care of our needs is a huge part of moving forward.

When I first got out of the hospital last April, I had problems with paranoia and psychosis, but I went to my doctor before it got out of control. She prescribed me with a new medication and my paranoia and psychosis got better. Not gone but better.

I've learned throughout having mental illnesses that I need to take care of myself in order to make good progress and to move forward. This is true whether or not you have mental illness. You need to take care of yourself before things get out of control...

Pivotal Attitude

"The time has come for me to realize that my attitude toward the life I am living and the people in it, can have a tangible, measurable effect on what happens to me day by day."
-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, p. 246

This quote was in today's reading in Hope for Today, my favorite Alanon book. I haven't been to AlAnon in a few years and I only went a few times but I choose to read the devotions every day because they help me deal with the day to day of my being on this earth.

I like this quote because it shines light on our attitude towards life. Ever heard of the quote "Attitude determines altitude?" I have...

Our attitudes in this life determine a lot of where we go and what we do.

When I was in and out of hospitals in the Spring semester of last year, missing over 2 months of school, I was determined to finish the semester strong. Each time I got out of the hospital, I caught up with my work within 3 days of being discharged. I was given extensions by my professors, most of which I did not use.

The fourth time I was in the hospital, I was told by the doctors to withdraw from my courses, saying that it wasn't worth failing. To them, they thought I was failing all of my courses because I missed nearly half the semester. But after I got out, I talked to my professors and they all said to stay in.

So I was determined... The last two weeks of classes, I had two big papers to write. One I wrote on a creative idea to help with the treatment, diagnosis and research of cancers through the use of quantum physics. The other paper was on synchronization and phase amplitude coupling of brain signals.

Needless to say, I buckled down, read over 80 papers in the last two weeks of classes and wrote those two papers.... Right after getting out of the hospital.

I received an A, a B, and a B+ that semester, something that I attribute to my attitude about what I was dealing with. I easily could have given up on the semester, but I did not. I kept moving forward, forging ahead through the difficulties and came up on top.

I believe wholeheartedly that our attitude towards the life we lead is extremely important. Without a positive attitude, this life is meaningless and we are just drifting. But if we have an attitude of overcoming obstacles and nothing can get in our way, we can overcome anything.

One Day at a Time

"No matter what the problems are that we're trying to cope with, a major source of frustration is trying to encompass too much at once. We forget that we need to deal with only one day at a time, and try to crowd too much into the waking hours of that day."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon), Jan. 19 Devotion

When I was in college, I was extremely busy. I worked 50-60 hours a week on top of going to college full time. I made sure to sleep at least 7 hours a night, so I crammed everything into my waking hours. If I wasn't sleeping, I was either at work, in class or doing homework. Forget time with friends. Who has time for that?

If I could go back, I would have done it differently. I even barely had time to go to church and often-times skipped out to go to work. It's hard to think that I did that, but I was even too busy for church.

And that did a lot of damage to my relationship with God in college... I fell further and further away from Him.

In graduate school, things were different. I worked but it was part of my school and I only worked 40 hour weeks and got paid more. I had time to go to church and even hang out with friends. My relationship with God grew as well as my relationships with others.

The one thing I have learned throughout all of this is that I needed to slow down and take it one day at a time, especially in my healing journey. In order to recover, I've had to take it slow and easy, not trying to overachieve on everything.

Slow and steady...

Wondrous Events

"Some of the most wondrous events grow out of what appears to be disasters... Today, I know that even when my situation looks bleak and I can't see any way out, miracles can happen if I turn my will and my life over to God."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 17 Devotion

In case you don't notice, I accidentally read the February 17 devotion this morning. I am in the middle of watching a movie and very tired but the quote above really spoke to me.

Sometimes when everything looks negative in our lives, that's when we need the most faith. For me, last year when I was going through all of the paranoia and psychosis, I went to the lake all the time to speak to God. My faith in God grew through going to the lake, day after day. I remember going and being surrounded by leaves falling. It felt like God was whispering to me that He loves me. Even in the darkest of circumstances, I felt the light and love of God.

Currently, I am applying for jobs like crazy. I don't know what will happen from here, but I have faith that God has a wonderful plan for my life and that He will never leave me. It's been a few weeks since I started applying and I haven't heard anything, so I'm beginning to get frustrated. That's when I need to trust God the most.

For now, I am enjoying life while applying for jobs, working on my first book, reading books and watching movies. I can honestly say that I am enjoying life as it comes. Especially since I'm taking my meds...

Precious Moments

"I am an individual with the right to a good life. I must not look to anyone else to make a good life for me; this I must do for myself."
-One Day At a Time (Alanon book), Jan. 16 Devotion

How many times do we look to others for happiness? How many time do our lives look dim when someone seemingly ruins it?

The truth is that our happiness lies within ourselves, not others. This is something I am learning as I move forward. It is my decision to let go and let God. It is my decision not to let the difficult things in life rule or ruin my life. It is up to me to be happy, healthy and whole.

A good life may be a difficult one, but it depends on how the person looks at their life. My life has been full of difficulties, ever since I was a little child, but I think I do lead an amazing, good life. I have friends and family who care about me. I have a great church. I have just enough money to make it through.

Life does not have to be picture perfect in order to be happy. It's up to you to be happy no matter what life throws at you. Live one day at a time and let go and let God. Don't let the negatives rule your life. Look at the positive and be grateful for every precious moment this life affords you.

The Natural High

"Humility frees me from outside pressures and allows me to learn at any time from anyone or any experience."
-Courage to Be Me, p. 137

Being humble means that you know you don't know it all. You are able to learn from all the various experiences during your lifetime. You are able to grow through your experiences.

When I was manic this time last year, I thought I knew it all. I had the classic manic behavior, in which I thought I was on top of the world, nothing could hurt me, nothing could stop me. I was the be-all, do-all person. At one point, I signed up for a Half Marathon, because I had been running 6 minute miles. I even made a goal for myself to achieve my PhD by the age of 25. I was on a natural high, as they say.

And then the high came crashing down...

Four hospitalizations followed. I was taken out of the PhD program. I stopped running. And my life somewhat became boring... No more high...

But I found stability.

However, that is just what I needed. Because with the high came nasty paranoia and psychosis. I learned through those experiences that I needed to take my meds in order to become and remain stable. I had to take the meds in order to lead a normal life again.

Sometimes I do miss that high, but it is not enough to make me go off my meds...

Staying in the Present

"Why am I leaping into the future? Perhaps I've given my feelings no room to exist. Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan 15 Devotion

If you're like me, you constantly worry. You worry what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that. But maybe you've learned as well that worry does nothing but steals precious time from your life. Maybe you've learned that God holds your life in His precious hands so you have nothing to worry about.

Part of my anxiety comes from my mental illnesses. The relentless anxiety is part of my PTSD and paranoia. I worry what people think of me or what they are saying about me.

But over the years, I have learned to stay in the present and not let my anxiety and worries get the best of me. I try to not let them rule over my life, because they should not. I want to live in the present. I want to trust God with my whole being and move forward.

And each day, it gets easier. My paranoia is becoming easier to deal with. My worries and anxieties don't stop me from enjoying my life. I am living in the moment and enjoying life as it comes.

Loving What You Do

I read all of my devotions this morning and nothing jumped out at me as something to write about, so I will keep this blog post short...

First, my brain is officially tired. I applied to 6 more jobs yesterday and then I woke up early this morning to apply to about 6 more. I really need a job and I'm trying my best to get a job soon.

In the meantime, I am working on my book, which is officially 161 pages long.

So.... I'm pretty busy these days.

I may be tired but I am enjoying what I'm doing. I like reading and I'm reading books. I'm taking my time to apply to jobs that interest me. And I am finally getting around to writing the book I've always wanted to write.

Doing what you love is important because if you're not doing what you love, then life is not enjoyable. And when life is not enjoyable, negativity invades.

So do what you love and love what you do...

Using our Differences

"Every snowflake is different. Every thumbprint is different. Every person in Al-Anon is different despite the common problem that brings us together... We're all doing the best we can."
-Courage to Change (AlAnon book), Jan. 13 Devotion

Yesterday, I did something that is way out of my norm. I watched two NFL football games. I think it's actually the first time other than the Superbowl... and even with the Superbowl, I only usually watch commercials...

In the early afternoon, I went to some friends' house and watched the San Francisco 49ers versus the Carolina Panthers. Both my friends and I were rooting for the 49ers and they won so we were ecstatic! At some points we all were yelling at the TV like true fans.

Then, later in the day, I watched the San Diego Chargers versus the Denver Broncos. Again, we all rooted for the winning team, the Broncos.

Needless to say, it was great rooting for the winning teams, both times.

I don't normally watch football, but I really got into it this time. I started to understand everything on a deeper level: the flags, the downs, the fumbles, the sacks.... It all made sense.

One of the things I noticed was how important each player on the team is. They are each given an important role and without them, the plays would not work. Whether their role is to run the football or defend the runner, they all are important....

But they all make mistakes... The one that is stuck in my head is that one guy tripped himself when he was running with the football. While I saw quite a few mistakes through both games, I saw that the team worked together and they "did the best they could."

We make mistakes in our daily lives. All we can ask of ourselves is to use our differences and do the best we can. If this world is going to change, we need to work together. God created us with our differences for a reason.

Looking Back

As I write my book, I am going back into old blog posts and this morning, I came across my blog post on April 11, 2013, the day after getting out of my fourth hospitalization in 2013, which would eventually be my last.

It was in that post that I described being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and also finding out that I was taken out of the PhD program and that I would try to finish my Masters in the fall.

As I read the blog, it reminded me of the fears that I had. For example, would the hospitalizations end? How in the world would I finish my Masters while having schizoaffective disorder?

But as I look back on that time, I had made a determined decision to not let it destroy my life or my career. I saw in myself the ability to move forward.

And as many of you know, I did achieve my Masters in the fall!

You just never know where God will lead you...

When you keep a journal or especially a prayer journal and you look back, it is quite interesting and extraordinary to see how God has helped you to move forward and how He has answered countless prayers. It is so beautiful to read my old blog posts and see how far I have come. It is really encouraging.

Sharing Faith

"Our faith becomes stronger as we express it; a growing faith is a sharing faith. Pray now for those you know who need Christ, and ask God to help you be a witness to them- by the life you live and the words you speak."
-Billy Graham, Hope For Each Day, Jan. 11 devotion

Yesterday I started working on a book I am hoping to publish in the next few months about the past year and the struggles I have overcome to get to where I am today. It is taking a lot of work, but I'm hoping to send it out to publishers by March.

The book is going to be a compilation of my writings, poetry and my photography.

As I am going through my writings from the past year, it has brought up a lot of memories but most of all, I am amazed by my unending relationship with God. Even in my darkest moments last year, I clung closely to Him. It is no surprise that I was successful in achieving what I set out to do: graduate.

I am so thankful for my faith and the fact that I am able to share my faith with others. It is a gift that not everybody has... I share my faith in order to give others the hope that I have found in Christ.

9 Months

I had two nightmares last night but they faded away from me once I woke up, not like the crystal clear nightmares I have had the past two nights.

I came across this quote this morning when reading my devotions:

"To break the cycle of worry and fear, I'm learning to focus all my attention on this very moment. I can turn away from destructive thoughts and concentrate on the sights and sounds around me;:light and shadows , the earth beneath my feet, the pulse of everyday living-all pieces of the here-and-now."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 10 devotion

Some of you may know, some of you may not know what today is. Today marks 9 months since I've been out of the hospital. It has taken all of me to move forward from the chaos that ensued the first four months of last year. This time last year, I was paranoid and chaotic with a capital P and a capital C. I thought the hospitalizations would never end.

But each day, I move forward. Despite the nightmares that I've had lately, I continue to strive for the best and stay in the present. I don't let the negatives get to me as much as I used to...

Glimpses of God

I can remember my nightmare this time extremely vividly. Usually they fade away in a few minutes when I wake up. But lately, my nightmares have stuck with me longer...

This time, I was on a field trip with kids from my high school French class. There they were, as I remembered. Our bus driver was crazy. At one point, he reached behind his seat to put money in what was supposed to be his backpack, but it was actually mine, as I was sitting in the seat behind him. I told him he put the money in my backpack. He said thanks and I put the money in his backpack.

Now for the nightmare part of my dream...

He was pulling up to an area that looked much like an area that my local bus pulls up to on my trip to the mall, except that there was an abandoned old building and the road was big wooden pieces floating on what looked like the ocean. Everyone in the bus thought we were going to drown, but the bus driver put the bus in full gear and sped across the wooden pieces, nearly drowning. We waited until the bus had gotten across to breathe. It was absolutely terrifying. We went low into the water as we crossed, but we did not drown.

I have had this type of dream quite a lot. The almost drowning in a car has been in a few of my dreams before, especially drowning going around a bend... But that was not the end of the dream.

We begged the bus driver to stop and go to the abandoned building. He finally gave in. The abandoned building was full of holes and there were no walls, so we had to be very careful. As careful as I tried to be, I seemed to keep falling, except someone always was there to catch me. I must have fallen about 10 times and they were frustrated with me, but each time, they caught me.

It was scary to fall, but I imagine after waking up from the dream, that those people were like God. He catches us when we fall, no matter how many times, no matter how far, He is there. He rescues us no matter how frustrated He is with us. No matter how scary this life is, He is there...

I think this is the first time in my life that I saw glimpses of God in a nightmare...

Paranoid Dream

"Someone said something unkind about me...Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go...Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon book), Jan. 7 devotion

I came across this devotion this morning, even though it was yesterday's devotion. It was as if this was written for me this morning...

You see, I had another nightmare last night. I've been having them every night, sometimes multiple each night. I don't know if it is my medications or what, but I wish they would stop.

In this nightmare, I had gotten a gift card to Sears and so I went to the store after school. I had been planning to go there before meeting up with friends to work on a school project. I was in the process of looking at shirts when my friends arrived. Anyways, someone stole my backpack.... One of my friends did. And there was some private stuff in my backpack. They were tossing it to each other and they wouldn't give it back. They all laughed at me... People who I have known for years and years, real people in my life were laughing hysterically at me. I screamed at them to stop. I told them it wasn't funny. I tried to get the sales associates at Sears to help me, but they just joined in with the laughter. I was at a loss...

When I woke up from this nightmare, it was a huge relief. My mom actually woke me up as she got ready for work. Their laughter stuck with me. I don't usually remember my nightmares in such vivid detail; usually they fade away and are forgotten, but this one reached into my heart and tore it up. People who I have cared about in real life were making fun of me. It was as if my paranoia has crept into my nightmares.

Part of my paranoia is that people are laughing at me or making fun of me. I told my therapist the other day that when I go to the lake, my home away from home, the place where I feel peace and calm, sometimes I'm so paranoid that when I see a group of people laughing, I believe their laughter is aimed at me. I constantly think people are making fun of me and I want it to stop.

That's just part of being paranoid. It creeps in to every aspect of my life, even my nightmares.

Either way, I don't want to sleep tonight....

I know I have to let it go and let God take care of me, but this is getting unbelievably difficult. My nightmare last night hurt very deeply. I know it wasn't real, but it cut deep into my soul. I just want my nightmares to stop...

A Light in the Darkness: Natalie Mohr's Testmony: Part 2

In case you missed it, here is the first part of Natalie's story...

Natalie Mohr is the author of "The Tale of the Lantern Lady," an allegorical short story about those who suffer from mental illness and the "angels" who bridge the gap between pain and positive change in their lives.

If you get a chance and are interested, please check out her short story. I had a chance to read it and it was so well-written and powerful. As I said yesterday, it is one of the most powerful short stories I have ever read. I cannot say enough about the story, so please check it out.

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A year before my last job attempt, I met my husband.  I tried teaching yet again, optimistically hoping I would be able to handle it with my new medications. During my first year of teaching and marriage, I got pregnant.  Medications during pregnancy are limited.  The same pattern of depression, triggered by stress reared its ugly head again.  I had to resign and went on short term disability.  It was during that time that my therapist, friends and family recommended that I apply for disability.  "No way," I thought. "How could I abandon my dreams?" But, I felt I couldn't continue to bear this pattern and now I had a new life on the way that would be dependent on me.  After much time, deliberation and prayer, I pursued it.  I was yet again at the point where I could not function. I didn't have the energy or desire to take a shower, fix myself food, or socialize with anyone.  Everyday tasks became overwhelming and felt impossible.

During my pregnancy, I was limited on medications I could take and again experienced irrational and suicidal thoughts.  Scary thoughts - like how I could manage to cut my baby out of my baby and save his life but end mine. Remembering that thought today sickens me. I experienced severe post partum depression. But, following the birth of my son, I decided it was in best interest of us both to bottle-feed and immediately restart  my medications. I managed to reemerge from the darkness within a couple of months. Eliminating the stress of a job enabled me to focus on being a mom.  I felt love on a level I had never imagined. When I looked into his big beautiful blue eyes, I saw a part of my soul staring back at me. I could no longer bear the thought of abandoning him through suicide. No matter how depressed I felt, he gave me a reason to keep on going.  I needed him as much as he needed me.  God had given us the gift of this little boy and he brought great joy into my life as I had never experienced it. I loved him with my whole being and would jump in front of a train to protect him. After a year of forms and appeals, I was able to get on Social Security Disability. It was an answer to prayers and God's way of financial provision. Even though I felt it was a way of giving up and "throwing in the towel," I later realized how much I needed it. It allowed me to focus my energy on being a Mom. It was by far the most challenging, yet rewarding job I had ever had. "God, is this Your purpose in my life?"

I wish I could say ". . . and we live happily ever after. The End." But, unfortunately, bi-polar disorder has no cure. My 13 year struggle with bi-polar disorder, anxiety and seasonal affective disorder has been a cyclical journey of ups and downs.  I have had many periods of joy and success, but the mental illness is still always there lurking in the shadows. At times, the depression has lead me to feel that my daily motherhood and household responsibilities were insurmountable.  I had to accept that my bi-polar symptoms are not shortcomings and are beyond my control. I had to own the responsibility of maintaining my mental health by taking proactive steps and making healthy choices.  I've had to alter my goals. It has been a challenge for me to understand that my illness does not define who I am.

Even in those dark moments, God has always found a way to let me know "I am not finished with you yet." Despite my failure to meet my expectations, I had a new sense of purpose and fulfillment.  At times, I felt that it made me understand the full meaning of true love between God and his son. 

Life was good until I got pregnant again. By then we were planning for it, I thought I had it all figured out.  Again, I had to discontinue my regular medication regimen but this time I was prepared with a list of medications I knew worked that were still approved for pregnancy. However, battling a raging hormonal imbalance on top of being put on bed rest at 18 weeks, I realized I still had no control over my mental illness. I became severely depressed. I was literally fighting an uphill battle to survive.

After the birth of my second son, I was anxious to return on my regular medication.  An unexpected change in health care providers with no advance notice sent me for a loop. I felt like I was balancing on a piece of dental floss. Thus began my mental healthcare nightmare.  I had to scramble in to see anyone who would take me, just to get refills on my prescription.  The only place that would take me at such short notice was a large mental healthcare facility. I had difficulty reaching anyone beyond an answering service and experienced unresponsiveness to my cries for help.

By this time, I was not sleeping and started having mania, something I had not experienced in years.  Lack of sleep is a trigger for instability. I knew I had to find someone to help me soon.  I found a psychiatrist that would take me in right away, but did not accept my insurance. The expense was a sacrifice I felt I had to make. He immediately took me off of one of the medications I had taken for seven years, insisting that it would send me into mania, even though it never had in the past.  As a result, I became severely depressed, had irrational thoughts, severe anxiety and panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and became completely incapacitated. I would look into the eyes of the child that once gave me a sense of purpose and would feel nothing. The smile of my beautiful baby did not even lift my spirits. I was completely numb. I could not function. I felt an extreme sense of guilt for the amount of help I needed to take care of myself and my two children. The new medications began to give me horrible side effects. I lost 25 pounds within a few months and was constantly nauseous. I was always nervous.  I could not handle conflict or stress of any kind. I started getting migraines every week from the tension. At one point, I began to have auditory hallucinations, something I had never experienced.  My condition was worsening. All of this while trying to be a mother to a newborn and a 4 year old. Instead of taking me off of the ineffective medications, the doctor's approach was to add more drugs to try to counteract the side-effects.  I was taking around 11 pills at a time and felt like a complete zombie.  I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't react the way I used to. I had difficulty forming sentences.  I tried to play piano pieces I had been able to play for over 15 years and it was as if I had completely forgotten how to play at all. I realized that if it were not for the support system of my husband and family, I would have certainly killed myself. "God help me," I prayed.  Many of my church friends reached out to me by bringing me meals and sending me letters of encouragement. Despite the hell I was living in and the burden I felt I was, God used those times to show me that He was taking care of my needs and had placed all of these special people in my life for a reason. I was blessed by their willingness to understand and to help. It was during this dark time, that I began to write. It was an outlet of comfort through which I could express my emotions.

God answered my prayer for help through a friend's referral to a new psychiatrist. He immediately put me on my old medications and took the approach that "If it isn't broken, don't try to fix it." Additionally, he used state of the art diagnostic tools. He ordered a DNA test to find out how my body broke down the enzymes and metabolized certain medications.  It indicated that in some drugs, the typical doses were either too strong or not enough. He adjusted them accordingly and I made a complete turn-around.

I know my battle is ongoing and will never completely end. But, I remind myself that through all of these struggles and challenges, God has always been with me. Even when I cannot feel His presence, He is still there, guiding my path, watching over me and providing for my needs.  His purpose for my life isn't defined by a singular event or circumstances, but is constantly changing as I grow from new experiences and struggles. When I come out of dark times, it is easier to remember the pain, my mistakes and failures rather than the recovery. Sometimes it has taken others to show me the light and lead me out of the tunnel of depression. But, all I have to do is open my Bible to remind myself that God loves me and created me just as I am. It is full of countless stories of "epic failures" who, despite their circumstances, God used to  fulfill His purpose. I have learned not to be so hard on myself. I have learned to eliminate stressors and negative people from my life. I have learned that, as difficult as it is, I must make it a priority to take care of myself so that I can take care of my children.  When I drop my baby off at preschool, he sometimes cries. I tell him, "Don't cry. Mommy will be back. Mommy always comes back." My relationship with God has been similar. I cry, wondering if He has left me, if He will rescue me from my times of suffering. But, He always comes to get me in the end, a shining beacon in my darkness.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

— John 1:5 (NIV)

The Light in the Darkness: Natalie Mohr's Testimony: Part 1

Today, I want to introduce my first guest blogger, Natalie Patterson Mohr.

Natalie Patterson Mohr grew up in Morristown, Tennessee. She received a B.A. at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and completed her graduate degree at Lincoln Memorial University. She is a mental health advocate, a former Spanish teacher and mother to two young boys. She currently lives in East Tennessee and enjoys pursuing her passions of writing, art, community involvement, music, and life-long learning.

Natalie is the author of "The Tale of the Lantern Lady," an allegorical short story about those who suffer from mental illness and the "angels" who bridge the gap between pain and positive change in their lives.

Please feel free to check out her writing. I can tell you from experience that it is one of the most powerfully moving and inspiring short stories I have read.

Without further ado, here is the first part of Natalie's testimony...

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I would like to share my story with you. I hope that my testimony brings comfort to others who are suffering with mental illness and encouragement in that, even though we go through times of great pain and suffering, God does not abandon us. You are not alone in your battle.

I grew up in a loving and supporting environment. Being an adopted only child, I was the center of my parents' world. I was raised in church and had a relationship with God from an early age. I graduated from high school in the top 10% of my class, was the national oratory champion for the Beta Club honors society and was successful in many ways. I always gave credit to God for my accomplishments. I went on to college to pursue my childhood dream of being a teacher.  I spoke fluent Spanish and also excelled in English. I graduated in Secondary Education Cum Laude with the highest g.p.a. in my major and held leadership positions in many campus organizations.

It was not until I reached the age of 21 that my bi-polar symptoms surfaced. I found teaching to be highly challenging and not what I expected.  I had an overcrowded classroom, a consuming amount of lesson plans and grading, classroom management issues and virtually no support from the administration. The stress level was overwhelming. I began to act out in ways that were outside of my character. I started seeking to fill my voids with constant stimulation and pleasure. I put myself in many dangerous situations and was even sexually assaulted by someone.  I didn't care what the risks or consequences where of getting my thrills. If I felt the urge to do something, I did it. I didn't think about if I didn't have the money for it or not. I used credit cards to get it anyway. Nothing was more important to me than what I wanted at the moment.  I completely skipped the process of reasoning and began to think irrationally.

At that point, I became severely depressed. Coming from a Christian home,  I did not understand why I was acting in ways against my values. The guilt and conviction I felt was unbearable.  I sought alcohol as a way to self-medicate. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what it was.  One night, I called my Mom and told her I was just acting stupid and was so depressed I was missing work too much because of the stress. She recommended I see a psychiatrist for help. I assumed I had depression, but was surprised when I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  My psychiatrist recommended that I immediately resign from my job because it was affecting my health and I was making dangerous choices.

My lifelong dream was crushed.  All of my life I had been successful and told by my parents, college professors and mentors the same message: "You will be successful at whatever you do. We expect great things from you in your future."  I had gone from an overachiever to an epic failure.

I found my way in other education related careers outside of teaching. I would have times where I felt fulfilled, successful and could hold a job for around two years. But every time the same pattern would occur. Despite my psychiatric care and medication, stress would trigger my mania and depression. Every job that I had, I ended up quitting.  The length of my jobs became shorter and shorter each time. I tried teaching again, thinking without the stresses I was undergoing in my previous attempt, it would be easier. I was wrong. The same pattern continued to emerge.  After a year and a half of teaching, I resigned for the same reasons as my first attempt.

One February night, I sat alone on my bed, looking at a bottle of sleeping pills through tear filled eyes.  "How had I become this person? Why couldn’t I just be who I wanted to be and who God wanted me to be?  I was a good girl." Yet, there I was.  A perpetual screw up.  “This pattern is never going to end,” I thought to myself.  “I’ve been seeing psychiatrists for 4 years and none of the medications have ever worked.  I’m never going to get better.  Why couldn't I just 'suck it up' and 'get it together?' I am not cut out for life.  I can’t function like a normal person in society.  I’m just a burden to my parents.  They are always having to give me money to bail me out of my problems.  All I do is bring them stress.  I’ve disappointed my parents, my friends, myself, and God.  I’m doing nothing good for Him so there is no purpose for me to even be here anymore.  I can’t stand this pain anymore, I just want to escape this pain.  God, my plan is to end it.  I’m taking this bottle of sleeping pills and if you don’t want me to die, then you better intervene somehow.”

I opened the bottle of prescription sleeping pills and swallowed one.  Then, I took two, then three, then 5 or 6 at a time until the whole bottle was gone.   I sat there for several seconds waiting for something to happen.  Would it hurt? Would it happen fast? Would I just fall asleep?  Within a minute, the phone rang.  I answered it and it was my mother.  “How are you doing Nat?  Dad and I were watching the football game and I just felt that I needed to give you a call.  Is everything ok?”  “No, it’s not Mom.  I just took a bottle of sleeping pills.  I’m just a big failure and a burden to everyone Mom. I’m sorry.”  I don't remember anything after that.

In a way, I was shocked that my Mom had a weird sixth sense to call just at the right moment  But, in a way, I wasn’t. Though I had never tested God's power, He had always been very real to me and I’d seen Him do “miracles” before.  I had felt his presence in the past and He had spoken to me many times through His word, people, and even situations. The message that I got from Him that night was "I am not finished with you yet." For whatever reason, however much of a failure I felt like I was, God still wanted to use me.  As I reflected on the events that happened, I saw that God had protected me from wrecking my life by protecting me from the many dangers and consequences I could have faced. Even in my sin and despair, He was still there. Even though I had stopped reaching out for Him, He did not abandon me.

Following this, I was hospitalized in the mental ward. After my release, I had to complete a month long outpatient program and begin therapy. This tragedy was a blessing in disguise. It brought me closer to God, realizing how much I needed Him, and I finally got a doctor who listened to me and put me on some effective medication.  From that point on, I didn't experience mania for years.  I went on to receive a Master's Degree. Through therapy, I learned  coping skills and how to identify triggers. But, the same pattern surfaced through every job I had. Overwhelming stress. . . . depression . . . complete incapacitation . . . resignation from my job. . .feelings of disappointment and complete failure. 

Please come back tomorrow to read the second part of Natalie's story...

Facing the Past

"You'll never know if you're on the right course for your life until you see the course that has brought you to where you are today."
-Jessica Brockmole, Letters From Skye

"I felt anchored to a place so dark and full of despair that it seemed nothing would ever change...[but] what is lost can often be found, restored, replaced, or recovered...Today I am grateful and appreciative of all that has happened in my life, including my childhood and my mother's drinking. They brought me to where I am today, and I like being here."
-Hope For Today (Alanon book), Jan. 5 Devotion

I've been reading a novel for the past few days called Letters from Skye. It is a romance novel about a young man who falls in love with a woman from Skye in the early 1910s. It just turns out that the woman is married to a man who is away at war. There is turmoil but also tremendous beauty in the story. Enough turmoil for a Jerry Springer show.

The romance story is juxtaposed to another story, taking pace in 1940, of the woman's daughter trying to find out about her past. Trying to find out about her father and where she came from. That is where the quote above comes in.

Sometimes we want to run away from our past. Sometimes we want to know all we can about our past. Because our past is a big part of who we have become. It does not define us but it is a part of us. Sometimes we need to know about the past in order to move forward.

Every so often, we hear about adopted children trying to find their birth parents. It is that great yearning to find out where we came from that helps us know who we are. Knowing about our past gives us closure on what could have been... no matter the turmoil.

I have often wondered about my past... wondering what I would be like if things had been different; if I hadn't been abused, neglected, or homeless, who would I be? Where would I be? Would I struggle with severe mental illnesses?

It is exactly in those questions that I learn that I am right where God wants me to be. Nothing more, nothing less. He has placed those challenges in my life to create a strength in me that I never knew I would ever have. He has given me a determination that has continually carried me through the challenges that have come my way. And for that, I am eternally thankful to God...

Hold Onto Faith

"You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us His promises in a quiet hour, seals our covenants with great and gracious words, and then steps back, waiting to see how much we believe. He then allows the Tempter to come, and the ensuing test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. That is when faith wins its crown."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Jan. 4 Devotion

"I began to believe my life could amount to more than a string of painful days to be survived...I came to see that, with the help of my Higher Power, I could handle anything that came to pass and even grow as I did so."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 4 Devotion

For most of my life, I have felt like my life is just a string of horrible events. But I am coming to realize that there is more to the horrible things that have happened in my life... My life is more than the abuse, loss, homelessness, neglect and mental illnesses I have survived.

God can use even the most difficult things in our lives to show His grace and mercy.

I can tell you that from experience.

I've been dealing with minor paranoia for the past few days, the same paranoia that I dealt with for the past few months. It was gone for a few weeks, but it's back. I don't know if it's stress or what, but it is difficult to deal with. I believe people are talking about me. Even my nightmares are back with a vengeance.

I do not know why I am continually being tested but I will keep moving forward. I have therapy today, which I am really excited about because it is a huge step forward. Therapy is somewhere where I am allowed to talk about everything... Let it all out and move forward.

In many ways, I wish the paranoia would end, but I know that it is all part of God's plan. I don't know why but it is. And I will hold on to the promise of God that I will get through this. And the fact that I can handle anything that comes to pass in my lifetime.

I will hold on to my faith...

Smile a Little More

"I may never completely eliminate the effects of alcoholism on my life, but I can stop allowing them to affect me...Each minute, each hour, each day, I smile a little more, let go of yesterday a little more, and live in today a little more. Each moment becomes the one I have always been waiting for. Each day becomes a precious collection of the many instances when I see myself as I truly am, a child of a loving Higher Power."
-Hope For Today (Alanon book), Jan. 3 Devotion

I do not know if the hurt of having alcoholics in my family will ever completely go away, but I continue to move forward each minute, each hour and each day, thanks to my relationship with God.

I guess I still have some anger but it is slowly fading away. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have faced unspeakable circumstances, but those circumstances don't have to rule my life. I am not those circumstances. Rather, I can use them as stepping stones on the path to a better day, to a life I never dreamed possible.

And that is because all of us are children of God. We all make mistakes. We all fall short of the glory of God. And yet He loves us deeply, in a way nobody in this world can. He loves us even despite our faults.

I've been talking to some other people about the new pope and everybody absolutely adores him. I have yet to come across someone who is against him.

Why?

Because he looks past the faults in others. Every time I hear about him in the news, he's welcoming someone else into the church. He's loving someone like Christ would love them.

I want to be like that. I want to "smile a little more, let go of yesterday a little more, and live in today a little more." I want to keep moving forward...

Acceptance

"'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...' taught me I can't alter the past, neither what was done to me nor what I did to others. '...Courage to change the things I can...' instructed me to change my attitudes and resentments, my self-pity, and my fears. '...Wisdom to  know the difference' gave me hope that I could change for the better."
-Hope for Today (Alanon book), Jan. 2 Devotion

The Serenity Prayer is one of my favorite prayers of all time. It is said at AA, Alanon and Alateen meetings all over the country. It is said at churches as well.

Why?

Acceptance....

What is acceptance?

To me, it is knowing that you cannot change the past and that you have a choice to make about whether or not you want the past to rule over your life any longer. It is finding healing through God in the most dire of circumstances. It is moving forward, despite present or past challenges. It is about not letting the evils in this world get to you...

It is about changing the way you think about and respond to certain difficult situations.

I am learning this in my own life as I move forward despite the many challenges that have come my way. I have learned to accept the situations and the people around me in order to move forward. Yeah, the things in my life may have been crappy and some of the things in your life as well, but we have the choice to accept and move forward. We cannot change the past but we sure can change my present and future, through acceptance...

Full Speed Ahead

"Recovery is a process. It takes time to regain, reclaim, and recoup all that was lost while we tried on our own to cope...Building trust takes time, change takes time, healing old wounds takes time; there are no immediate, ready-made solutions...We all have dark times in our lives, but the journey to better times is often what makes us happier, stronger people. When we stop expecting instant relief, we may come to believe that where we are today is exactly where our Higher Power would have us be."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 1 Devotion

Some of you may have realized that I have started to read devotions every day, a few from Alanon and a few spiritual/religious. On top of my desk at home, I have 9 devotionals and most days I read each one. May seem crazy, but it is an awesome way to start the day.

Today is a new day, a new year and with it, a new adventure, a new chapter, a new set of challenges. The reason I like this quote is that last year was really tough for me and I often struggled with the fact that not everything went the way I expected or wanted. I wanted easy answers. I wanted everything to be the way I wanted it. But things ended up better than my wildest imagination.

But the truth is... I am exactly where my HP (Higher Power, for all ya non Alanon folks out there) wants me to be. In other words, I am exactly where God wants me.

I am on the road to more healing and more recovery and I know it takes time. But I am really excited about where I am headed and as always, nothing is impossible and nothing can stop me from moving forward with a vengeance.

Having a mental illness is not the end of the world or a death sentence. I see it as a tremendous opportunity to heal and to help others heal. It is something I had to come to terms with in 2013, and I am moving full speed ahead, no matter the challenges.

Today is a new day, a new year... May yours be blessed and may you be able to move forward in the right direction, knowing that you are exactly where God wants you to be.