Overwhelming Flood

Today is a great day.

Why, you ask?

Well today marks four months since my last hospitalization. That’s a third of the year! One of my main goals with dealing with my mental illnesses is to stay out of the hospital. It has not been easy, especially with my paranoia and psychosis acting up.

But I did it!

Today has also been challenging. I woke up and realized that I ran out of lithium. I have a refill at one pharmacy, but that pharmacy is closed today. I have been on the phone with a doctor for a bit trying to get them to call in the refill to another pharmacy that's open. I NEED my medication.

Good grief!

I believe I am moving forward in a positive direction. Staying out of the hospital takes sheer determination.

And therapy.

“In therapy, before we could begin to deal with the lasting neuropsychological effects of the trauma [my patient] endured, we needed to address her mind’s subsequent conversion of an ordinary truck driver into a shadowy figure who was scheming and evil.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

One of the things I addressed in my last blog post is the belief that people are generally good.

Paranoia blocks that belief. It questions it to the core.

The negative thoughts just come. They permeate my mind like an overwhelming flood.

When I’m paranoid, I think everybody is out to get me. I think that nobody cares about me. I believe I'm the worst person on earth.

I think part of it is that I struggle with trust issues due to my past. When I told someone about some of the abuse I endured, they said to me, “I hope you can come to realize that most people you meet in life will treat you better than that.”

That’s difficult for me to believe sometimes.

I want to believe it with all of my heart, soul and mind.

But I was abused and mistreated by the people who should have cared about me the most. They should have protected me, but they didn’t.

It’s really hard to fully trust someone.

Nearly impossible.

I always have my suspicions about people. 

Maybe they’re only caring about me because they want something. 

Maybe they’re only caring because it’s part of their job. 

Maybe I really am worthless and only deserve to be used.

That’s often my train of thought. And I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could see that I am worth it.

I want to believe it.

But when you’re mistreated for many years, it starts to get to you and you stop believing that people have your best interests at heart. I wish people understood that I want to trust them, but it’s just not that easy.

I want to trust.

I really do.

It takes all of me to trust.

But I'm willing to do anything to get rid of these trust issues.

Conscience

“Conscience is a compelling feeling of obligation that is always based in our proclivity to bond with others, our (nearly) universal ability to love. Once we understand the true nature of conscience, we can appreciate that it is precisely our capacity to form emotional attachments that gives rise to moral character.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

Reading this quote, I find it interesting that one of the first things that is affected by my paranoia is my conscience. The voices that I hear when I’m psychotic tell me I’m an awful person,  that I don’t deserve to live, etc. It doesn't help that the voices I hear are those of people I've known.

It’s like my conscience is on overdrive.

In one of my hospitalizations, I walked around to all the other patients and told them I was sorry for hurting them. I remember one woman telling me, "But you helped me."

After awhile, I tend to believe the voices though. Maybe I am a bad person.

A few weeks ago, my mom and I were talking on the phone and she kept reminding me that I’m a good person. She also reminded me that others are generally good people, and they would not be spreading rumors or trying to make my paranoia worse.

I genuinely care about others. I believe we are put on this earth to help others along our path.

It bothers me that people are homeless when there are so many vacant homes. It bothers me that I have enough food to eat when others are starving. It bothers me that I have shoes to wear and others are walking around without shoes. It bothers me that I am free and there are millions of slaves around the world.

I want to do something to help. That’s why I’ve walked nearly 600 miles this summer for different charities. That's why I donated my hair to cancer patients. That's why I've donated blood four times this year and I'm going to try again tomorrow.

I want to be the change I wish to see. I want to make a real difference.

I want to spread love.

I may have gone through a lot of obstacles in my life, but I am very fortunate. I want to help others because I feel so blessed. A pastor said to me when I was younger, “You’re going to be a lover of people.”

I want to testify to the love that we can find in God, the love that I’ve found in Him. The love that carries me through difficult times. The love that knows no bounds. Endless love. The love that gives life meaning.

Journey Through Trauma

I’m sitting here reading a book about paranoia and terrorism. I wanted to share a quote from the book that really struck me.

“At this point [after 9/11], for many Americans, a fire alarm in a public place… can access “stuck” memories established in a time of great fear, in a way similar to what the backfiring of a car, or holiday fireworks… can do to the brain of a shell-shocked veteran…We feel and behave in ways that are somewhat more anxious and suspicious than our usual reactions… To varying degrees, the emotional systems of our brains were overwhelmed, and our minds became more cluttered than we knew with unprocessed fragments of emotion, image and fear-laden sensation. These chaotic shards of memory soon started to be triggered , and to ambush us at unpredictable times, altering our feelings, our moods, and our behaviors.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This is one of the best explanations of flashbacks that I have come across.

I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks since I was 13 years old, possibly earlier. I bought this book because I thought it might be interesting to learn more about paranoia, since I’ve been dealing with it for a few months.

Traumatic experiences alter our behaviors. They cause us to become anxious. My experiences have caused me to be paranoid.

When I was abused for 7 years, I was overwhelmed with fear and terror. That’s why I have 10-20 flashbacks a day.

Martha Stout talked earlier in the book about the fact that people have flashbacks because of unprocessed memories. I think that’s why I’m still dealing with complex PTSD. Many years later, I still haven’t been able to fully process my memories of the abuse. It's too confusing. Broken pieces.

I often wish my paranoia, psychosis, flashbacks and nightmares would just go away. Just like that. A wave of a wand and woosh! Everything goes away.

But life is not that easy.

It’s a journey.

And journeys mean that we have some ups and downs. All stories have to have conflict, or else it’s not a story. And some of us have more conflict than others. That’s just life.

No matter how much conflict you encounter in your life, you can always have hope because we have a God who loves us very deeply.

When I was abused for many years, I often thought that God was not listening to my prayers. I often felt desperate and unheard.  But God listens. My pastor said in a sermon a few weeks ago something that really helped me. She said “God journeys with us in the seeming answered and seeming unanswered prayers.”

No matter what, we are not on this journey alone.

Questioning Paranoia

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for my monthly check-up and I asked if I could increase the dose of antipsychotic again, since I'm still having mild paranoia. They said no because there are too many side effects, including weight gain. They said if I'm at the point where I notice my paranoia and can try to control it, then I don't need to increase the dose.

I tend to have a lot of side effects to medications. That's one of the reasons they've tried about 15 medications on me. The ones I'm on now cause me to have acne, gain weight, and have bad memory.

Sometimes I do miss being manic because I have much better memory. I'm much more awake. I think more clearly.

But the medications are necessary and I know I just have to deal with the side effects. I'd much rather deal with the side effects than go through the turmoil and wrath of my schizoaffective disorder. At least my medications keep me stable.

I can't believe that I've held my job for 2 months already. When I first started, I was honestly petrified because it was a new job and I didn't know how I would deal with the stress of a new job. I didn't know if I'd be in and out of the hospital more. I didn't know how I'd deal with the paranoia while working.

It takes a TON of mental effort for me to question my paranoid thoughts, to battle the psychosis and paranoia that  accompany my schizophrenia. When I see people doing things that make me uncomfortable or bring on the paranoia, I have to say to myself over and over again, "It's not about me... They're not spreading rumors." I just repeat it to myself over and over. I do this for most of my waking hours.

Sometimes I want to give up and curl up in my bed and not do anything but avoid people.

But I don't.

I am reminded of how far I've come. I haven't been in the hospital in four months, despite being mentally ill. I'm getting ready for my last semester of graduate school and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm moving forward every single day.

Baby Steps

I just saw a guy that I have a mild crush on so pardon any distractions in this post.

Most of you have probably heard the saying, "baby steps." Many refer to it when they are talking about overcoming something or moving forward through something challenging and difficult.

My Facebook status this morning was:

On my way to work. I can't believe I've held this job for two months already and that Saturday will be four months since my last hospitalization. One step at a time.

There aren't really words that can describe my journey with multiple mental illnesses, but when moments like this happen, I am ecstatic. If you had told me in April, when I just got out of my fourth hospitalization since January, that I would be able to hold a job and be out of the hospital for four months, I don't think I would have believed you.

It's been a journey. That's for sure.

It's not easy keeping a job while dealing with mental illness. I am lucky because my job tends to help me. It keeps my mind off of the illnesses and gives me something to do. I have had points when I was paranoid at work, but I've learned to keep it to myself in a way. I hide it.

Part of dealing with mental illness is being aware of "yourself." I've learned to take notice of the small mental illness things and I ask for help when they get worse. You learn to listen to the signs. For example, I noticed when I was paranoid and called my doctor to change my medication. 

I'm actually seeing my psychiatrist this afternoon and I'm going to see if we can adjust the meds one more time. We had talked about another change the last time we met, so I'm hoping this adjustment will help.

I feel like everything is coming together really nicely and I couldn't be more excited. I've been out of the hospital for four months. I've been able to keep a job for two months. I'm moving forward every single day. One step at a time.

I have a lot of hope...

Climbing Out of a Pit

By now, most of you know that I have recently been struggling with paranoia due to my schizoaffective disorder. I've been thinking people are spreading rumors about me, plotting to do something to me, etc.

But in the past few days, it's been better... Slowly, I am gaining control over my paranoia and moving forward.

The week before last, I didn't even want to leave my apartment but lately I've been outside, talking to people, and going for walks. Yesterday, I went to the lake on campus.

Here's a video I shot of the lake. This video doesn't really do enough justice to how truly beautiful this lake is, because this place is my heaven away from heaven.

I went to a pond near my home as well and saw this beautiful white bird. It let me come right up to it, about 2 feet away, which never happens.

Why are all of the things I'm doing like getting out of the house and going to the lake important?

Because it's my time with God. It's getting me out of the paranoia. God talks to me through birds, the sun, the trees, the beauty of His creation. He lets me know that He is there and that I can talk to Him anytime, especially when others are not available. He lets me know I am loved and He relieves my paranoia.

Getting out of a paranoid state is not an easy thing to do, but each day, I feel better. God is healing me and helping me through everything.

I feel as if I am climbing out of a pit and each step, I get closer to the light.

As I am writing this, I was reminded of a bird I saw this morning. It was a baby bird and it was on the ground trying to fly. It opened its wings but it couldn't fly.

In the same way, sometimes there are things that hold us back because we're afraid or we don't think we can do it. And watching the bird struggle reminded me that it's okay to struggle, but we must never give up. There will be times when we want to, but we must keep moving forward.

Innate Goodness

"Paranoia is...based on the feeling or perception that the world in general, and others in particular, are against me or us. Reality is perceived as hostile."
-Sam Keen

I came across this quote in the new book I am reading about paranoia and terrorism. I think it explains paranoia very well.

Paranoia is one of the most negative things I have ever experienced during my life, other than the abuse I endured for 7 years. When I am extremely paranoid, I cannot trust anyone. I think everybody, even the people trying to help, are after me. In one of my hospital visits, I thought the doctors were going to put me in a straitjacket and throw me in a lake full of alligators. I could not function at all. For most of that visit, I was curled up in a ball hearing voices telling me what the doctors were going to do.

Paranoia is absolutely terrifying. When I am fully paranoid, I think that nobody cares about me and that everybody hates me. It's not that I want to think those things. My logic says that's not true. But paranoia is illogical... It's that when I'm paranoid, those are the thoughts that come into my mind. I cannot really control it. It's nearly impossible to stop those thoughts without medication. The medications have gotten me to the point that I question my paranoid thoughts.

One of the things I have really come across lately is the innate goodness in people. My mom keeps reminding me of my innate goodness and that of others. 

A few days ago, I was at Krispy Kreme to get breakfast on the morning of my move and the man in front of me let me go before him (I don't know why) and the lady in front of him paid for my breakfast. 

One of my best friends in Gainesville helped me move in really hot weather. She has been an incredible blessing to me. Not only did she help me completely move but she also lent me an air mattress. 

I've also met a bunch of people in the past few days at my new apartment and they have all graciously welcomed me.

At the end of the day, I think that people are innately good and that they are not after me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point because it's not what I grew up in. I grew up in abuse and neglect. Healing is a process and takes time.

But slowly and surely, I am moving forward, out of my paranoia.

And it feels great...

God is ever faithful on my journey of mental illness. No matter what comes our way, He is for us.