Divine Intervention

This past week I listened to "Rivals" by Citizen Way at least 80 times. This past week I needed those lyrics to get through one of the most challenging week I have ever been through. I could have ended up on the inpatient unit at the hospital about 5 times.

Instead of focusing on what went wrong, I would like to focus on what went RIGHT and even some divine intervention. I do not believe God could have orchestrated it any better.

Last Thursday was around the time that I started to break down and fall apart. I was outside and a yellow butterfly landed right next to me. It was gorgeous and possibly one of the most beautiful butterflies I've seen. And it is not a normal sight near where I live. The butterfly not only reminded me that I am going through a transformative stage in my life. It also brought me to a situation two months ago when I saw a butterfly inside. A friend and I helped release that butterfly outside. It was one of the most magical moments, as it flew away. It was freed. That butterfly was used to tell me that God can free me from all of the difficulties I am currently dealing with, as He does for all of us.

On Monday, I was struggling and going downhill quicker than Michael Phelps can swim a lap. The weather was dark with a ton of rain coming down. Those who know me well know that I do not stop walking or raining in the snow or rain. I absolutely love running. I went outside to run and walk to deal with my struggles. I was kind of angry that it was raining, to be honest. The next time I went out the front door, I noticed that there was a clearing in the sky. Almost instantaneously, the sky opened up. The sun came out. It was another magical moment this week. God told me very clearly, "I understand you are going through this rough time, but I am here for you. I will help you get through this, just as I cleared up the sky in an instant. Things will get better."

Another day this past week (possibly Wednesday), I was listening to "Just Say Jesus" by 7eventh Time Down. All of a sudden, I listened to the lyrics and REALLY listened. The gist of the song is that things can get downright difficult, downright almost like hell on earth. BUT if you remind yourself about Jesus and how He saved all of us, you will get through anything. I saw what looked like an eagle (could've been anything- what matters most is what I perceived it to be.) I must have stood outside for 5 minutes listening to the song a few times and watching the eagle. To me, eagles signify strength, perseverance and hope. In that moment, God told me that I have the strength to "soar" through the storms of life. If I say Jesus instead of focusing on the negative, I can get through this. This is another situation that reminded me that God is more powerful than anything that comes my way.

The last really big moment for me happened on Thursday. I went to the hospital for a therapy appointment that I had planned two weeks ago. Needless to say, God knew the exact time I would need therapy. I had been suffering all week. In my therapist's office, I cried and had a meltdown. I told her some of my struggles and that the medication I was on was making me worse. She called the psychiatrist to come into her office to evaluate me, which he did. They said I was decompensating rapidly but I gathered myself and said I did not want to go to the inpatient unit. I was simply asking for a medication change. My psychiatrist took away the problem medication and added two medications.

The next morning, I woke up calm. I had some trouble sleeping, because my body was readjusting, especially my brain. I went out the next day and my symptoms were almost gone. I found out that the problem medication can cause a life-threatening condition that can cause paranoia, tremors and all kinds of things that I went through this past week.

I want to thank God for giving me signs throughout the week that He was listening and fighting with me and on my behalf. I don't believe in God because I am religious. I believe in God because I have learned to listen to Him. I don't really hear any voices. I see little situations in my life that remind me how much He cares. Even when I am symptomatic, I ask God to give me signs that He cares or messages to help me get through. The fact that my therapist and my psychiatrist both had the time to see me and talk to me to try to keep me out of inpatient is more than a coincidence. It was divine intervention.

Baby Bird

One of the world's most beautiful events just happened to me as I walked home from a quick run.


I happened to come across a baby bird. I thought it was odd that it did not fly away as soon as it saw me. It kept trying to fly away. It was obviously learning to fly. Then the parent bird came down and said something to the baby bird. Probably some words of encouragement. Right after that, the baby flew away, with no struggle.

I had a very difficult day. I am struggling a lot. I am currently waiting to hear if my insurance will cover a brain MRI that I need in order to see if I have a brain tumor. I’m trying to hang in there as much as I can at this point but it is terrifying. I am waiting for the next step regarding going to the dentist. I am waiting to see if my housing situation will get any better.

Waiting… waiting.. waiting…

I do not like waiting. I will be the first to say that I am one of the least patient people I have ever man. Patient with others but not situations. I want to know NOW… right this very second.

But that is not how life is.

Watching the baby bird struggle reminded me that if something scares me, the best thing I can do is keep moving forward. The bird did not fly far, but it took steps forward. Sometimes it takes some encouragement from others, like the parent bird did to the baby bird. I hate to be cliché (and by saying that I am cliché) but I was also reminded that baby steps lead to so much more… the ability to fly.

Disproving

I just spent the last 5 hours or so hanging out with friends, laughing and enjoying life. While I was out with friends, I realized that I neglected to bring my pill case with my PRN medication. For those who do not know what a PRN medication is, it is a medication that one takes only at times that they need it with limits. I currently can take 2 low doses of Haldol per day as needed. My psychiatrist wants my symptoms under control, even though Haldol is an antipsychotic, which are known to aggravate my medical condition.

I realized (and confirmed later) when I was out with friends that I have not taken Haldol in the past 4 days. I did not even notice in the past few days that I did not need the medication. This did not happen because of some goal I was trying to achieve. It came naturally which makes it even more exciting to me.

To those of you who have not heard or read, two weeks ago, I disproved my paranoid theory that the FBI was sending me messages. I wrote down the code and it was gibberish. My life began to take a new path and quickly, I saw results in my actions and behaviors.

This inspired me to disprove ALL my paranoid thoughts and beliefs. A few days ago, I came up with questions and thoughts that went against or counteract each of my paranoid theories and beliefs. I typed and printed a copy a few days ago and folded it and put it in my pocket. Whenever my paranoia worsened, I either read the packet that pertained to that belief or I wrote more questions and thoughts.

I have a minor in Mathematics so I have learned a lot of logic and proofs. It has taken this long to use this “logical” part of my mind and apply it to my delusions and paranoia.

Throughout this journey over the past few days, I was honestly angry at myself for not writing these thoughts even earlier. Even though I deal with paranoia daily, I feel much more at peace. I strongly believe that by working very hard on my thoughts, I can learn to live free of paranoia. It may take months and I may have moments that I need to take the PRN but I am headed in the right direction.

Last year, at this time, I was on about 7 medications and a total of 14 pills a day, including multiple antipsychotics. Currently, I am only taking 2 medications and a total of 3 pills a day, none of which are antipsychotics (unless I need it).

Progress is a beautiful thing.

Proof or no proof?

Last week, I became so frustrated with a huge paranoid "theory/conspiracy" that I chose to face my fears. My theory told me that the FBI was sending me messages through a code to figure out. For months, I have been so paranoid and frightened that I could not even write down the message out of fear that there would certainly be a message. What was in those messages have fascinated me as well as terrorized me for the past year or so.

Want to read the message I received when I finally gained the courage to write it down?

Yes I thought so. Here it is…

W U N L R Z L F S L G Z D N E G P G X P Y Y S L J M B E F H P A Z G T R B S M C E F X M K Y D V Z M K C L M U D F H O C U E C C V Z L Y L E Z U X E N T E S PP A Z G K K W G W V W K M M D V R D S X C S J F A M Z F E D K

 Yes, that code has been something I have been paranoid about for a year. Unless I’m missing something, the code seems like what an infant would say if you asked them to say the alphabet. I’ve been running away from this?

Long story short, this huge realization has already made a huge positive difference in my life. No longer do I believe the FBI is sending me messages.

Today, I sat down with my notebook. I wrote down on the top of 4 pages things that I have been running from, frightened of, or paranoid about. Those 4 subjects were things that I have been paranoid about for the past 6 or 7 years.

They include:

-my belief that the FBI is following me and recording my every move

-my belief that the police are after me

-my belief that people are talking about me (99.99999% bad)

-my belief that I am constantly in trouble

It has gotten so bad that I honestly believed that some of the staff at my outpatient program were undercover FBI agents who were following me on a daily basis, repeating the info to the headquarters, ready to arrest me at any moment.

As I wrote down things this morning that I can do to counteract and disprove the paranoia through questions and research on the internet, I came to the conclusion today that, like the message, nothing made sense to me. There was an overwhelming amount of information and other stuff that disproved my theories.

I feel like I finally unlocked an area of potential that I had never seen before. I opened up the door to a new positive area of my life, which previously had been riddled with fear, terror and paranoia.

I opened the door to peace and tranquility, something that I have yearned for most of my life. Days might come when my paranoia is bad again, but I feel that with consistent reminders that it is wrong, I will get through this. Hopefully soon, I can live with paranoia being something of the past.

Broken Is Beautiful

This happened this morning…

At first I was upset, but then I gathered the plants and put them in a larger flower pot. I “saved” them from dying. I saw the beauty in the desperation, the strength in the weakness and the opportunity in the accident.

I could not help but stop and ruminate on the power of this metaphor. Many people have heard that broken things are sometimes more beautiful than the original thing, whatever that “thing” is. It could be a difficult situation or a time when you felt broken and so "beaten up" that you want to give up. A person dies that you were close to, you received a diagnosis for something that you did not want to deal with, someone treated you badly with no remorse, having a period of time when you were frustrated at the world, etc.

Whatever that situation is, there is always hope. When the flower pot slipped out of my hands, I was frustrated. But I saved the plants and I also saved the broken pieces of the flower pot for an art project I want to make.

Even in our roughest moments or moments in which we want to give up, there are even more beautiful moments in store for us as we keep moving forward and fighting through our worst fears. It is in moving forward that we allow good to come into our lives at the times when we most need it.

Facing Our Greatest Fears

I have to say that I love my friends. I just got off the phone with a friend after calling family and friends since around 5pm tonight when my doctor gave me some news.

Good news first: The lumps in my breasts are benign and are thought to be cysts.
Bad news second: Because my hormone level is high, I am getting an MRI scan next week to see if I have a pituitary tumor.

The friend that I got off the phone with yelled "Praise the Lord! Praise God!" when I told her about the benign lumps. When I said "but I still have to go to get an MRI to see if there is a tumor," she exclaimed "There won't be!" Sometimes I wish I could have conviction like her. I always have admired her strong faith in healing. I definitely believe in the power of prayer, but often, I don't fully trust in God. I have never fully trusted anyone in my life based on my rough childhood and my mental illness, especially paranoia.

As I waited in the waiting room in the imaging building this morning, I rested my head on my boyfriend's shoulder, as we held hands tightly, not knowing what today would bring. I wrote something on my Facebook last night "We never know what tomorrow will bring until we face our fears." Fear is such a prominent feature of my mental illness and in so many lives in general. I have learned that the only way to overcome my symptoms is to keep living and keep moving forward despite the scary stuff. It's ok to be afraid or anxious but when it stops you from moving forward, problems arise.

I recently was released from the inpatient psych unit at the local hospital and to tell you the truth, I was terrified. The hospital had become a comfort zone or a safe place for me. I thought that everyone on the outside was after me (and including most of the people treating me). I thought there were going to be helicopters with FBI agents and police cars waiting for me to get out so they could arrest me. I did not want to leave the hospital, but the night before my release, I told myself that I can't let my symptoms dictate my life. I knew I had to leave and deal with whatever came, no matter how frightening. I could either stay in the hospital and risk going to a state mental institution or I could get up the next morning and face my greatest fears.

I did not want to go the imaging place this morning and I believe that having my boyfriend there with me is one of the only reasons I went. But again, in order to move forward, I had to overcome the tidal wave of anxiety. I had to get up, get dressed and get my day started. If not, I would allow my
anxiety to rule my life.

A few days ago, I came across a new favorite song of mine called The Cure by Unspoken. It talks about the fact that we all are going through something frightening or challenging. We are all looking for ways to "cure" what we are going through but the only true "cure" is found in Jesus. He IS the cure. In the depths of my soul, I know that God can heal, at the perfect time and the truly divine moment.

May God heal you, restore you and bring you a sense of hope and peace which surpass all understanding.

Trusting God

It’s about 6 am this morning, June 17, 2017. I believe in being real and genuine as I deal with difficult circumstances during my life journey with mental illness and life in general. This is as raw as it gets. I do not always write for others but rather, I often write to process my challenges.

As many of you know, yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to my doctor to get a breast exam to see if I need a mammogram. While there, they found “thickened areas” in both breasts and I was diagnosed with “an unspecified lump in breast.” I am going next Thursday morning to get a breast ultrasound to get a better idea of what I’m dealing with and to see if there are tumors. My doctor did not want to send me for a mammogram unless I absolutely need it to avoid excess radiation. They also may do an MRI sometime soon to rule out a pituitary tumor, something that may be real and possible.

I hope it’s cysts. I pray that it is cysts. I pray it’s nodules. I pray that I do not have to worry about something more serious. But a lot of people do not know the full story.

I was recently diagnosed with a medical condition that has been found to increase the likelihood of breast cancer. One of my hormone levels was through the roof when I was in the psych inpatient unit. My level was 122 and the normal level is 20-25. My psychiatrist immediately took me off all antipsychotics except a very small dose of an antipsychotic as a PRN (as needed) medication. To tell you the truth, I do not always want to take it because it raises my hormone level, thus raising the likelihood of getting breast cancer. Do I choose sanity or do I choose a lower risk of breast cancer? Catch-22. Sometimes the PRN is not enough and I have to deal with the paranoia and psychosis with skills. I have been on antipsychotics since 2009 and they can greatly exacerbate the medical condition, meaning that my levels probably have been high for a very long time, thus, again, raising my likelihood for breast cancer.

I am so thankful for all the prayers I’ve received. I can honestly feel them. This is one of the most scary and terrifying things I have ever gone through. Yes, I am scared that it may be breast cancer. Yes, my mind is going there. Yes, I’ve cried my eyes out all day yesterday and a little this morning. Why? Because there is a chance that I may have breast cancer. There also is a chance I may have a pituitary tumor. I am scared. Many of my friends and family are scared. I almost broke down when I saw my brother nearly cry last night as I gave him an update.

One of the only things that keeps me going is that I have God in my life. Some people have said that God would not give me cancer. Even if He does, I know that He will be there with me through all of this. I also am honored to have a boyfriend who wants to go with me to all my appointments. He is the most amazing man I know and I am incredibly lucky that he chose me to be his girlfriend. He is so strong and he helped me through so much. I honestly love him to the moon and back (1,500,000 times).

I am fortunate to have friends and family all over the world who have reached out to me. Yes, this time is scary, but when you have that much support, it is a lot easier to “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” (Psalm 23). When you know that God will never abandon you, there is hope for a better day. There is hope that I can keep moving forward, no matter how terrifying and challenging circumstances can get.

Please feel free to share this because I need as many prayers I can get at this point.