Loving the Unloved

I just got home from church and thankfully nobody triggered my paranoia on my way there or home. My paranoia has been a lot quieter this morning and it's a relief. It was nonexistent yesterday since I stayed in my apartment trying to avoid all confrontation with others.

In the past few weeks, I've had a few people reach out to me and that means the world to me. Every day has been a struggle but I'm hopefully getting better. It's not easy living with multiple mental illnesses. I feel alone most of the time. I feel misunderstood. I feel crazy at times.

I posted about this on Facebook yesterday but a few days ago, I was walking and it started to pour. I saw a man walking in front of me with no umbrella and so I ran up to him and put the umbrella over both our heads. I was rained on but it didn't matter. Helping this complete stranger meant the world to me. He said the umbrella was a blessing because he was homeless and wandering. We walked under the umbrella until it stopped raining.

A few days before that, I was on another walk and I saw a young man struggling to carry his groceries. I ran up to him and asked if he needed help carrying them. At first, he was reluctant but then he said okay. He was very thankful.

It's the little things in life that matter the most. The card for a sick person. The hug for someone who feels alone. An extra hand for someone who's struggling with something.

Part of the sermon this morning was about going to places to serve others- places that may be uncomfortable for us but where people need God the most. Together, we need to make a difference in this world... We need to love the unloved.

Look around you. You may see more need than you think. Jesus sought the outcasts. He loved those that society threw away. He welcomed the unwelcomed. I hope that I can do the same and I hope you'll join me.

Be Strong and Courageous

I went to the movies last night and I was paranoid. I saw a few people stick their tongues out at me. It might sound funny but it's really not. Paranoia and believing others are after you or talking behind your back is terrifying. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I am honestly one step away from going to the hospital again because it's also triggering depression and my PTSD.

Today, I'm trying to avoid all confrontation with others by just staying at home. I want to avoid people in general, because I'm not paranoid if I'm not around people.

I have therapy on Monday and a psychiatry appointment on Tuesday so I am just trying to make it to those. 

I just want to get better. I wish all of this would go away.

My mom asked me a good question yesterday and it was "Where is God in all of this?"

I have to say that I have had to put my full trust in God through all of this. I have to believe that something good will come out of this chaos. That I will be able to move on without the paranoia or psychosis. What I'm going through is very confusing, but life in general is confusing. Life sometimes makes no sense and that's why we have to put our belief in God at the forefront.

I wouldn't be fighting this if I didn't believe in God, in something greater than myself, in something greater than my battles. He strengthens me. He helps me. He guides me. He restores me.

I want to end with a verse that I think of often when I am going through a lot.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

Want to be Normal Again

My paranoia and psychosis is really bad again. I see people sticking out their tongues or licking their lips everywhere I go and I think it's aimed at me. They look at me when they do it, so I know it's aimed at me. I don't know what I did to make them do it but I feel like someone spread a rumor about me.

My mom thinks that I'm hallucinating them sticking out their tongue, but her disbelief in my reality is just making things worse. It's making me question whether it's really happening and it's making me feel hopeless because I see them do it. I don't want to have hallucinations if that's what this is.

Point blank. I want to know if what's happening is real or not. And I want it to stop, because it's not funny if people are purposely making my paranoia worse. It's triggering my depression and making all my symptoms worse. I cry at several points during my day because it hurts. I've tried my best to avoid people in general.

I wish that more people knew that mental illness is not a joke. Yeah, I may do funny things but having mental illness can be devastating, especially when you have multiple illnesses. When I was in the hospital with psychosis a few months ago, I thought my oldest brother had faked his suicide and he was still alive. It took all of my strength when I realized that my oldest brother really is dead. My mind believed that he was alive.

I just really want this chaos in my mind to stop. I want my depression to go away. I want my flashbacks to go away. I want my paranoia to go away. I want to be "normal" again.

I'm trying my best to move forward in my life but there's still a lot holding me back. It's taking all of me to press on, but I know that things will get better. I have faith that they will.

Sit With Me For Awhile

I went to the lake this morning. I haven't been there in a few weeks and I definitely was due for some lake time. As I walked around, I took photos because it was absolutely beautiful. Photography is my way of expressing myself and I want to share the following poem that I wrote as I walked around the lake this morning.

Sit with me for awhile.

Listen to my story.

This is what I'd tell you.

I'd tell you how I have felt broken inside,

that every part of me couldn't go on.

I felt like I couldn't fight any longer.

I'd tell you about how my life has been twisted at times,

never knowing what will come next.

I'd tell you how I put my faith and trust in God in those times.

I'd tell you how God brought beautiful things into my life

when I most needed them.

He brought me to gorgeous places

that helped me be come closer to Him

and to continue the fight.

I'd tell you of how His light has shone brightly 

in my darkest and most twisted times

I'd tell you about the many hours I have spent sitting alone

contemplating the beauty and awe of God.

I'd tell you I'm amazed about how God has shown Himself.

I'd tell you that sometimes His light shone so brightly

that I was overwhelmed by His goodness, grace and mercy.

I couldn't help but see His works in my life.

I'd tell you how God shines through

even the most simplest of things on this earth.

I'd tell you His beauty is everywhere,

all around us.

I'd tell you of how I felt so small

and I've seen how big God is.

I'd tell you how I learned what it meant

to become a flower in the mud,

rising up against all the odds.

I'd tell you that life is worth living,

no matter how hard it gets.

Better Day

Today has been a better day than yesterday. As my mom says, "Progress not perfection."

Living with multiple mental disorders has to be one of the most difficult challenges I have been faced with. 

Not only do I struggle with paranoia and psychosis due to schizophrenia, but I struggle with the mania and depression of bipolar disorder. On top of that, I deal with symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, such as constant flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. I also deal with symptoms of Aspergers syndrome.

Needless to say, it's a difficult road.

But I'm up to fighting for a good life.

My mom has been understandably worried about me. Last night, we discussed the possibility of me going home to live with her as I deal with these disorders. I told her that I don't want to, that I want to stay in Florida to finish my Masters. After all, I set out to complete a degree here.

Nothing has stopped me yet from achieving my dreams and I'm not going to stop going for my dreams just because God has blessed me with multiple disorders. It's just another thing that I have to fight against. I want to be proof that faith in God can help anybody weather any storms. I'm clinging closely to God and giving this fight all that I have within me.

I'm taking it one step at a time and giving it to God because it is only through Him that I will win this fight.

My mom said that I have to keep my eyes on the future, knowing that things will get better. I have hope in that, even now, when my disorders are raging. Faith was built for the unknown. And it is through faith that I keep moving forward. Our faith is built on knowing that we do not know what is to come, but we can step forward, trusting in a God who holds everything in His hands.

Better days will come...

Paranoid Thoughts

It's been 4 days since I started my new medication and increased the dose of my antipsychotic. Today, I had some mild paranoia.

Part of what has been aggravating my PTSD and schizophrenia is that I see people sticking out their tongues wherever I go. I don't know why they're doing it, but it makes me very uncomfortable. Seeing people do it increases my PTSD and paranoia. I wish it wasn't happening. My therapist and a few other people say I'm probably hypersensitive to people's facial expressions but I'm not sure.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, it is very hard not to act upon the paranoia. It takes all of me not to go up to someone and ask why they are making a face at me. 

A few weeks ago I made the mistake of doing that. I was walking down the street and a man made an odd face at me. When he got near to me, I asked him "Why are you making that face at me?" The man behind him came up to me and said, "Well that wasn't really a nice social interaction." I didn't mean to be rude to the man at all. It's just his facial expression made me feel very uncomfortable and I wanted to know why he was doing it at me. I thought it was directed at me, just as I believe people are sticking out their tongues at me. I know it sounds funny and I'm still not sure if it's my mental illness or not.

I wish that people knew more about mental illness and they didn't joke about it. Maybe I seem "crazy" at times, but I've been through a load of crap and I'm just trying to make it through this life. Mental illness is not funny. I spend my whole day everyday battling thoughts that people are after me to abuse me and kill me. I feel alone, misunderstood and it takes all of me not to give up. Living with multiple mental illnesses is one of the most difficult things I've ever been called to do.

Part of my journey is sharing it with others so they can understand what mental illness is like.

Even thought it's rough, I won't give up this fight for freedom from my mental illnesses. I wake up each day, knowing that each day is a struggle to get through. But I hold on to the promises that God has given. I want to stay in this fight.

I want to share a song that has been on replay on my iPhone these past few days. It is called We Won't Be Shaken by Building 429.

Whatever will come my way

Through fire or pouring rain

We won't be shaken

No we won't be shaken

Whatever tomorrow brings

Together we'll rise and sing

That we won't be shaken

My prayer is that no matter what you're going through, that you will cling to God through it, knowing that He is there for you, no matter what.

Settling For More

I want to share two quotes from a book I read a few months ago, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul by Erwin and Rebecca Lutzer.

"The battle will rage but victory is possible through Jesus Christ our Lord."

"The past cannot be changed, but the power of the past can be diminished and broken."

I wanted to share these quotes because I know I am not the only one who feels like they're fighting a battle. For me, the battle that rages on inside my soul is my past. But others might be battling other illnesses, or things that hold us back from God. 

The battle for our lives can be won in Jesus. With Him, we do not have to worry about the future or where we are going next. We just need to trust...

God will take care of you. 
God loves you. 
God is there for you, especially when there is no other place to run.

How do I know?

Because I have been there.

I was there last week. 

I was terrified. My paranoia was skyrocketing. I was afraid of everybody. It got to the point that I considered going to the hospital. So I went to my doctor and got on a new medication. I had that appointment set up for about a month but God knew exactly when I needed that appointment.

It's been three days since I started my new medication and the paranoia has subsided. It's still there very weakly and I expect it to continue to go away as my body gets used to the new medication. Today was my first day at work without paranoia and it felt different. I almost got used to being paranoid.

The second quote speaks to the power that the past can have in our lives. The past cannot be changed, but sometimes it can take on so much power in our lives.

How do I know?

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to many years of abuse. I avoid certain things or places that remind me of the abuse. I even dropped a class in college because the professor reminded me of one of my abusers. Sometimes I live my life in a way that I try to not be reminded by my past, but then I end up being reminded of it even more. I deal with intrusive memories of the past, uncontrollable videos that run through my head at various points in my day.

I know that the power of my past can be broken, but right now I'm not sure it is. I'd say that its power is slowly diminishing. The past still haunts me through my PTSD. But every day, I feel stronger against my past. Every time I talk to someone about it, the past seems a little weaker and I feel stronger. There is something extremely empowering about talking about the abuse.

I believe that God does not call us to get used to living with our past having so much power over us or whatever it is that haunts us and keeps us from Him. He tells us "Don't get comfortable... I'm going to do something great in your life."

Don't settle for less...