Challenging the Challenges

Today has been a better day than the last few. I've been battling against some paranoia. But today it has been almost nonexistent. 

Why? 

Because I've been challenging the thoughts. I've been questioning the thoughts that come into my head. When I think that everybody in town is after me and they are all conspiring to get me, I question it. I ask myself questions like, How possible is it that thousands of people are after me?

I've also talked to people who I know and trust and they've helped me to realize that my thoughts are false. They've reassured me that everything is okay and nobody's after me. It took a few people telling me this for it to finally sink in.

Part of my treatment is about questioning my negative thoughts or ideas. It's about challenging the challenges that I've been faced with. Challenging the negative thoughts is difficult, especially when you've learned negative thinking your whole life through abuse. For many years, all I really knew was fear. I've been told I am nothing and treated like I am nothing for so long that I've taken it in.

Slowly I am learning what it is to be loved. To be someone. To be greater than the negative.

I think a big part of our lives lies in our ability to challenge our challenges. Challenging the negative thoughts that we face. Finding the truth of who we are and what we're made of.

I want to share another scene from a movie I love, The Pursuit of Happyness. No matter how many times I watch the movie, I cry at the end when the main character gets the job despite all the challenges that he has faced, namely homelessness. My mother got me this movie after our own period of homelessness. The last scene makes me so excited because getting the job was so difficult, and yet he did it.

I've had my own moments of joy when I've raised my arms and cried. I have overcome extreme abuse, neglect, homelessness, and loss. I've had to overcome the challenges of having PTSD and schizoaffective disorder. I've had to overcome enormous challenges to get to where I am. I graduated at the top of my high school class and the top of my college class. I graduated with honors with a Bachelors in Biomedical Engineering despite four hospitalizations. I made it through my first year of graduate school with a 3.5 GPA, despite five hospitalizations and missing nearly two months of classes.

I think the greater the challenges, the greater the success feels.

I've had to challenge the challenges that I have gone through. And each day that I move forward is a new day, a new opportunity. Every day that I make it through and I accomplish something, I celebrate "happyness" despite all the negativity. I think that's one of the greatest things we can experience here on earth: joy amidst suffering.

Find the good despite the bad...

Burst with Joy Amidst Difficulty

I did something extremely difficult today. I talked about the details of my abuse with my therapist. She asked me questions and I told her the nitty gritty details of what happened to me for 7 years.

Part of me doesn't like telling the details because my PTSD tends to be heightened and the pain of going through it by speaking about it is tremendous. For most of the day after therapy, it was hard to take my mind off of it. Another part of me doesn't like telling the details because I don't know how the other person or people will react. Because I was told for so many years that nobody would ever believe me, it's kind of gotten ingrained in my head.

But today was different. She asked me questions and did not seem to be overwhelmed with what happened to me. I've had a few therapists even cry when I told them. And I wonder why. Because I don't usually cry about it. I think I've been kind of desensitized in a way.

The past few times I've told a lot of details, I've thought the people I was telling didn't believe me. As I told one therapist about my life, her eyes kept getting wider and wider. She looked confused and in disbelief. So I asked her, "Why are you looking at me like that?" She said, "I'm trying to take it all in. That's a lot for one small person to go through." You're telling me.

Therapy is something that I've usually found to be beneficial. Given the right therapist, I have been able to talk about my issues and move forward. Currently, I am talking about my traumatic experiences and also working on challenging my paranoid thinking.

As I've posted in recent posts, I've been dealing with some paranoia. I think that others are after me and that people are talking behind my back, conspiring against me. The last few days, I've been talking to people and they've been helping me to challenge these thoughts. For instance, I keep thinking about the possibility that everyone in town is against me. Wouldn't I know if everyone was? Why would everybody be after me?

Paranoia and psychosis are tricky to deal with. But through therapy, I'm managing the paranoia quite well. My therapist agreed that the paranoia is something that the meds might not help so I have to cognitively work through the paranoid thoughts. With the medication, it's at a level that I am able to do this.

Mental illness is not easy, especially with a history of abuse, neglect, homelessness and loss. But moving forward can be done. Slowly but surely. I am amazed at how resilient I have been and at how far I have come. Not a day goes by that I am not amazed that I am getting a Masters in December. I've been told that I've endured more than most people go through in a lifetime and I've accomplished so much. I've had people tell me they'd buckle under only one of the things I've gone through. My resilience comes from God's strength. I get up every morning because I know that each new day is from God.

A scene from Sister Act 2 just came into my mind, when a young boy sings "Oh Happy Day." When he first sings, he is really shy and you can barely hear him. But then Whoopi encourages and helps him. He bursts out with an absolutely beautiful voice. I think in the same vein, we need to give this life all we got inside of us. With the right encouragement, courage and strength, we can burst with love, peace and joy because no matter how difficult this life gets, we always know that God is beside us and within us. We can sing our song of God's goodness and grace to those around us.

Here's the scene:

Reflection on Today

I don't really know what I want to talk about today. Today is one of the roughest days for me by far all year. I am triggered much more than usual, making things much more difficult. I have been trying to avoid Facebook. I am happy for those who have good fathers who treated them correctly, but today is a reminder of how awful my father is.

I don't hate my father, though. I hate what he did to me. I hate that my life is full of difficulty because he abused me for years. He did everything opposite of what a father should do. I have spent most of my life trying to recover from his abuse. I don't like to call him my father, because he never treated me like a father should treat his daughter. My brother even calls him by his first name because we can't bear to call him our father.

I don't really know what to talk about because I'm being triggered more than usual and not really in the mood to write. I've had a ton of flashbacks this morning. I just pray for those like me who don't know what it means to have a father, whether their father abandoned them, abused them or just isn't a part of their life. I hope you know that you're not alone. I hope you know that you can get through days like today.

I think that it's okay to be upset today. I think it's okay to be upset about what my father did to me. I think it's okay to be angry. This year has been extraordinarily difficult but I am finally healing from my father's abuse. I'm taking steps that I didn't know I would take or was scared to take. I'm moving through the trauma and moving forward.

Moving forward can be a big thing.

Most of all, I am glad to know the love of God, my real Father. It is His love that gets me through each day and His support that keeps me going. I would not be anywhere close to where I am without Him.

Today, I am thankful for God.

The I Am

"I have watched over them, I have protected them, and I have defended them. I've walked in front of them, behind them, and in the midst of them. I have nursed those that were sick, I have chased after some that went astray, and I have led them to the places where they needed to go, keeping them away from danger."
-Mac Brunson, Paralyzed by Fear or Empowered by Hope

For those who didn't read my post yesterday, instead of celebrating Father's Day, I celebrate God Day. I grew up in an abusive home in which I never really learned what it meant to have a father. Throughout my life, I have grown up knowing God as my real Father, which is why I call it God Day.

I chose to focus on the quote above because I think that it not only resembles what God does for each of us, but it serves as a reminder to fathers about their roles in our lives.

God protects. He keeps us from harm. For many years I had trouble understanding this because of my surroundings growing up. The place where I was supposed to feel the most comfort in my life, my home, was full of turmoil, terror and fear. I never knew when I would be abused next. My sense of safety was destroyed. So was my sense of a father's protection. He did the opposite of protecting me. I still deal with issues with my sense of safety as I deal with paranoia. But God has continually shown me that He cares about me and wants me to be safe. He helped rescue me from that home and He has saved my life a few times.

God defends us. God fights for us when we have no strength to fight for ourselves. He brings His strength into our lives when we have no strength left to fight. Trust me, when I went through the abuse, I thought there was no end in sight. But it did end and I am very thankful for that. God was there, right beside me, fighting through and it eventually stopped.

God walks with us. Sometimes He walks in front of us, sometimes He walks behind us and sometimes He walks beside us. I'll never forget when I went against my father to get a restraining order and my therapist at the time told me that God was going in front of me. It gave me great comfort to know that He already has gone before me and He was fighting for me. I was absolutely terrified, because I had to see my father in court and my PTSD was very bad then, even worse than it is now. I truly believe that God walks with us throughout our lives, helping us through the most difficult times. He never leaves us nor forsakes us.

God helps those who are sick. As someone who deals with a few disorders and sicknesses, I know personally that God helps us through. In my own personal life, He helps me discern the truth from lies or deception when I'm dealing with my paranoia. He helps comfort me after I have flashbacks and nightmares due to my PTSD. He helps me get through the days when my disorders are really bad by providing me with strength.

God searches for those who are lost. Quite a few times in my spiritual/religious life, I've lost connection with God, but God has always brought me back to Himself. He reminds me of how He has helped me, rescued me and saved my life. He never forgets us, especially when we are lost or we lose sight of Him.

God leads us. If we put our lives in God's hands, He can help lead us to where He wants us to be. Whenever I have to make a big decision about where I need to go, I always pray to God for discernment. He has led me to amazing places in my life, which I am very grateful for. I never would have made it this far in my life without His guidance.

And for fun, to end this blog, here are two more baby photos of me:

Father to the Fatherless

I finished my first week working at my new job and it feels great! I like the people I work with and things are going smoothly.

However, I'm still dealing with some paranoia. I'm aware of it but things are still challenging. I think that my father is trying to get everyone to not believe me and to not care about me. For years, he told me nobody would believe me if I told them what happened. Earlier this year it was worse and I thought nobody believed me, including my doctors. It's difficult, because I wish it all was a lie. I wish I was making all of it up. But it's all in court records and other records. It's gotten to the point that sometimes even I think it's a lie, but how could a mind make up all that stuff for 20 some-odd years and have all the paperwork to prove it?

Anyway, guess what!

God Day is this Sunday.

I think I'm also being triggered because Father's Day is coming up. I call it God Day because my true Father is God. I despise Father's Day because I am triggered more than usual. I'm probably going to avoid social networking this weekend as much as possible because the triggers are everywhere, even more than normal.

Father's Day is the one Sunday of the year that I usually skip church. It's not that I don't like others celebrating their fathers. It's just that it is a reminder of everything that my father was and is not. He was never there for me. When my mom and I were homeless, he didn't even pay child support when we most needed it. He was always hurting me, throughout my life not just in my childhood. It is not easy seeing the person who is the reason I have PTSD throughout my life. You have no idea how much I wish that he was in jail for everything but he got away.

However, please don't get me wrong. I love that others have great fathers. I'm not jealous of them because I've never known what having a father means. You don't know what you're missing if you don't have it to begin with. I consider myself to be fatherless. Anyone who has heard my life story and what happened will agree that I don't have a father. He was everything but.

I have heard that fathers are supposed to treat their children like God treats each one of us. I've often had difficulty understanding who God is because my father never showed me who God was. Although he did think he was God. Before I got my restraining order, he used to send me letters and cards sometimes that ended with a signature saying "your one and only Father" or similar things. When I was being abused, he often called himself God or referenced himself as God. I think that's why it's taken so long to understand God's unconditional love. In many ways, I feel as if I've been brainwashed. Things have been twisted in my mind.

Even through all of the difficulties and challenges, God has continually shown me what unconditional love means. He has shown me who He is even without an earthly father. He helps me to discern the lies from the truth of what my earthly father has told me.

One of my favorite songs of all time is This Christmas by TobyMac. I know it's not Christmas but I'm going to post the song anyways. I listened to this song every time I was in the car ride to go to therapy as a teenager. It helped remind me that God is my true Father and that God cares about those who are fatherless. Like most of the music I listen to, it helped me tremendously through a difficult time.

A Comfortable Friend

Everyone, please meet Teddy!

Not a lot of people know that I have a teddy bear. Teddy, my beloved teddy bear, helps me to calm down and get through my flashbacks when I'm home.

My family has a few theories about why I have Teddy and why he helps me. One of the theories is that when I go back in time to when I was being abused as a child, I cope like I coped as a little child. Going through many many years of abuse and neglect has made it difficult to cope. When I hug Teddy, I feel comforted. I calm down. I know he's not going to yell at me or hurt me. I can hug him and feel loved.

When I was growing up, I had a doll that I was inseparable from. Much like Teddy, she comforted me during the many years of abuse I endured. I spent many nights hugging the baby doll as I cried myself to sleep. I still sometimes cry myself to sleep when I hug Teddy.

I loved that baby doll and she comforted me much like Teddy does.

I've had Teddy for 8 years and I really didn't get attached to him until my PTSD got worse when I was being harrassed by my father. My depression got worse and I needed comfort. It's hard for me to relate to others. I found that hugging him helps me to recover from my flashbacks. I feel less lonely. Teddy has also been there for me in nearly all of my hospitalizations. Being in the hospital can be terrifying and having him with me has helped.

Quite a few times I've wondered if I have multiple personality disorder. I know that some people who have endured many years of abuse suffer from it. Sometimes when I have flashbacks, I tend to have a difficult time getting out of them and coming back to the present. I'm a little child again. Lately, I've been having anywhere between 5 to 20 flashbacks a day. Some days are better, some days are worse. Today I had fourteen.

Teddy, to me, is a constant reminder of God. He loves me no matter what. He doesn't yell or harm me. I can trust him. He hugs me when I'm crying. He comforts me.

I guess part of the reason I have Teddy is that it's hard to relate to others. I'm scared to get to know others sometimes because I don't know what they'll think when they hear about my past. I know that I won't be judged when I hug him.

I don't know all the reasons why I have Teddy but what I do know is that he has helped me through a lot. He has calmed me down many times and that means a lot. Some people may wonder why I don't have a pet but pets tend to trigger my PTSD so I try to avoid them. I'm just glad I have something that comforts me.

The Trust Battle

Trust.

I am currently dealing with issues with trust. I have dealt with these issues for the majority of my life. When I was abused by my father and oldest brother, my trust was betrayed. When I was neglected by my mother, my trust was betrayed. I've had issues with trusting that others really care about me or that they'll be there for me when I need them to be. For so many years, people I loved and cared for weren't there for me when I needed them.

It makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with trust to this day.

Currently, I am dealing with what a friend of mine calls "personalization." It is a part of paranoia that you see things that others are doing and you point it all back on yourself. You morph it into everybody being after you. It's like if someone gives me a certain stare, I think I did something wrong. It's gotten to the point that I think others are speaking bad about me. And it's not that fun.

I don't know if raising my medication will help it. I think it's something I need to work on through my therapy. It's remnants from my paranoia and psychosis. As someone said, medication can only go so far and the rest is up to hard work. I am currently in trauma therapy, dealing with things like flashbacks and the paranoia. My traumatic experience is mixed in with the paranoia and lately I think that people are after me to kill me or to abuse me. I've thought that my father has turned everybody against me. For years as a child my father threatened to kill me. He even tried to kill me a few times.

Point blank, it's not a great way to live.

But today, I started to do something different. I started to say "Hi, how are you?" and "Have a good day" to all of the people I think are after me. And it's actually alleviating my paranoia. Nobody told me to do this, but I thought that talking back to the paranoia would help.

Life can get difficult but through God's strength, we can overcome anything.

"Jesus came to save the lost. His blood-stained hands, feet, and side are proof of the death-defying power of his love for us. There is no place his love cannot reach."
-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal

I wanted to end on this quote, because this life can be scary. This life can be downright terrifying at times. I've been through my fair share of frightening circumstances and I may always have some trouble trusting others due to how I was raised and all that I've had to overcome. But that does not mean I have to live terrified or frightened. I may have flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse for the rest of my life, but that does not mean that they have to overwhelm my life.

I can move forward, knowing that Jesus has my back and He will guide me and help me through everything. Nothing that I have gone through or will go through is too big for Him.

I wanted to share a song that has helped me tremendously. I actually met Kirk Franklin during college and told him how much this song meant to me. I had a chance to talk for about 10 minutes to him about how much it helped me through my healing. The song is Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin. It's about letting go of the pain that others caused and moving forward into the hope of God.