My Rock

"This is the day on which another year closes. It is a good time for a quiet, honest look at my personal progress. Has it been a good year, better than those which went before?... I will live just one day at a time, making each one better than the last, as I grow in confidence and faith."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon book), Dec. 31 Devotion

In the past few days, I have reflected upon this last year as this year comes to a close.

At the beginning of this year, I was manic as could be. I was getting ready for a half marathon, running 6 minute miles, excited for my future, and ready to finish my PhD program by the age of 25.

I never could have imagined the chaos that was on its way, the chaos of severe mental illness...

My world was literally turned upside down, twisted and thrown every which way when paranoia and psychosis entered my world. Everything that I knew and loved became chaos. Except, of course, my relationship with God.

My relationship with God was my rock during this time. I was hospitalized four times between January and April. I missed more than two months of classes but I still held on. I kept my eyes on my Rock and my Healer and He held on to me.

Eventually I was released from my last hospitalization on April 10, my birthday and on that day, I was given a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. The chaos finally had a name. I finally had an answer to what was shaking my world. And I made the executive decision to take it one day at a time and try to defeat this new evil in my life.

And I did... except one thing... I was not in the PhD program anymore. It was a hard thing to come to terms with, but I did and I moved full force ahead in the Masters program. I spent the summer working a small, easy job and then one month out of the hospital became two, then three, then four... then eventually eight months out of the hospital and I'm still running full speed ahead.

This year ends on a very high note, even with all of the chaos that occurred... I graduated with my Masters, despite all of the challenges I faced. And for that, I am very grateful. I still can't believe I graduated... It is a complete blessing.

And I am looking forward to 2014 as another great year, one that I will continue to defeat obstacles, as I have this year.

Happy New Year y'all!

Peace of Mind

"The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless I permit it... I don't want to miss any more of the wonderful opportunities available to me to live, grow and enjoy."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Dec. 30 devotional

How hard is it to let go of some hurtful thing someone has said to you? Some really nasty thing that someone did towards you?

It's difficult...

However difficult it is, we have the power inside of us to move forward despite what others have said or done to us. We don't have to live thinking about all the evil, awful, horrible things that have happened to us.

I am learning this in my own life.

As many of you know, I have moved home to live with my mom. There have been difficult times between us, especially when I was a teenager. But I have a choice to make. Do I let those memories of those difficult times ruin my present relationship with her by dwelling on her past mistakes or do I move forward and create new, great memories with her?

I have chosen the latter... Because I've made mistakes as well.

No matter what anyone has said or done to you, you have it in you to move forward, knowing that you are a beautiful, worthy and precious child of God. You have the power to listen to the Word of God rather than what someone might have said or done in an angry state of mind.

Talking To God

Two people complimented me on my photography yesterday, a friend and my brother.

I wanted to share something I wrote this morning to my brother, because it sums up what it means to me to be a photographer...

"I've never taken photography classes or read a book. It's like God tells me to look up and I do and I see the most magical, beautiful scenes. My photography is how God speaks to me, how He lets me know He's here with me. I got back into photography when I was manic and psychotic and when I went to Lake Alice in Florida. It helped me get through that time, because I captured the beauty of the lake through my photography. I look back on those photos and I remember what God was telling me. It's a gift, one that I am most grateful for. The only trick is to look up when God says to."

To me, photography is not about capturing the perfect shot. I rarely ever take a photo again. It is about enjoying this life with God. It is about experiencing God. It is about having a deep conversation with God about whatever is on my mind. It is about letting God know what is on my mind as well as letting God speak to me in a way only He can.

The clouds, the birds, everything... God speaks to me through all of it. And when He tells me to look up, I do, because the way He speaks to me is through the beauty of nature and what He has created...

Lately, I have figured out how to use the panaromic function on my iPhone camera, so I have been using it. It is just another way to capture the complete beauty of this earth. Here are some photos...

Beauty Within

I just got home from trying to donate blood. My red blood cell count was 37 and I needed a 38. Needless to say, I was very disappointed.

But I will keep trying...

Donating blood is very important to me because through it, I can help many others.

I am currently reading a book that my mother gave me for Christmas called The List by Siobhan Vivian. It is a young adult novel about a high school in which there is a list published every year that lists the ugliest and prettiest girls in each grade.

Throughout reading the book, I have questioned what beauty really means.

I have come to the conclusion that beauty can be found in everything and everyone... Sometimes you need to look deeper and sometimes you need not. Sometimes beauty can be found in what other people do. Sometimes beauty can be heard through what someone says.

If you look deep enough, you can find beauty all around.

Beauty in itself is something that lies within each of us...

Trusting God Through It All

"No one knows the future- except God...What should this mean? It should give us humility before God, and it should give us trust- trust in the God who does know our futures, and who works all things for His glory. You can trust all your tomorrows to Him!"
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Dec. 27 Devotional

Let me be even more real than I usually am for a second... I got a call from a collections agency last night about a hospital bill that I don't remember receiving. Needless to say, I was frustrated and scared. I have had a few hospital bills go to collections because I have been hospitalized so much that I have lost track of them. There are just way too many... I've been hospitalized 10 times in the past few years and that includes quite a few brain scans.

I needed this devotional this morning. I needed to be reminded that God has my whole life in His hands and that He's got my back.

God always delivers when I most need it and He never stops caring. Finances have not always been easy for my family, in fact we have always been considered poor. That is why we eventually became homeless when I was a teenager.

But I was reminded that God has always provided exactly what I need and sometimes more. So I keep on keeping on trusting God through it all... Through the frustration, through the fears, through the tears...

God always provides.
-

Creativity Within

"Joy doesn't come merely from being entertained, but from a decision to appreciate each moment that you are given as a rare and precious gift from God."
-Joyce Meyer, Power Thoughts

 My brother told me yesterday that I can make any camera, no matter how simple, take beautiful photography. That was a huge compliment to me and I did not take it lightly. You see, one of my main goals in life is to find beauty in simplicity and to share it with others. I love finding the beauty in the ordinary and capturing it through my photography, even with a simple camera. All of my photography is taken with an iPhone 4 camera and is not modified or photoshopped.

Andrew's comment was a huge compliment to me as well because it made me realize that all of my creativity has not been taken away by my medications. There is still some mild mania inside of me. As someone who loves art and creativity, this is a huge blessing. There is just enough mania within to able to capture the beauty all around me.

My creativity means the world to me. It means I can "appreciate each moment." It means that I can be excited about the ordinary and find meaning where there may look like there is none. Creativity is what drives me. It drives me as an engineer, blogger and photographer. Enjoying each moment as a gift from God is what makes me want to live. Each of my photos is a glimpse of my time with God.

I wanted to share some of my recent photography at a lake near my home in NJ. Enjoy!

What Is Christmas?

So what is Christmas about?

Christmas is beyond just receiving gifts. It is beyond Santa Clause.

It is about searching within yourself for a love much deeper... A love that makes you want to brighten the day for everyone you come across. It's like a light comes on and everyone is more cheerful, more joyful, more full of light.

But not everyone's Christmas is blessed with presents and shared moments with loved ones. There are people living on the streets who do not even know it is Christmas.

I know because I met one of them a few years ago when I handed out blankets in New York City on Christmas morning. He was living on newspapers in the freezing cold. In that moment, watching his eyes light up with thankfulness, I found that love deep within...

A love that cannot be explained by words... It can only be felt by experiences.

I felt that love again when I handed out scarves I had crocheted to homeless people in New York City. Those scarves meant a lot because I crocheted them during treatment in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). As I crocheted them, I went through a transformational healing. Needless to say, I prayed for everyone who received them...

This Christmas, my mom and I visited my brother. We wanted to visit him but did not have a ride. We frantically called a taxi company, who said they did not have a taxi out. One of my mother's friends graciously drove us to see him.

As I spent time with my brother, nothing else mattered apart from spending time with him. The gifts did not matter. All that mattered was the love I felt. I can tell you that I savored every moment of our time.

No matter what you do tonight, please say a prayer for those who are alone, sick or just having a no-good, very bad, horrible, awful day. Please pray for them to feel the love of Christmas...

And do not just save this love for one day a year... Spread this love each day of your life.

Don't Make Sense

I am blogging really early this morning because I am going to the mall early to finish my Christmas shopping. My mother has to work really early today too.

I wanted to blog about a movie that I watched last night. I didn't expect too much from it because I haven't heard anything about it but it was such a beautifully made film. It made me think and cry, as well.

The movie that I am talking about was Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Without giving too much away, the little boy loses his father in the World Trade Center on 9/11. During the movie, he comes to grips with the loss through trying to find out about something that he believes his father left him.

Needless to say, it is a heartwrenching film...

The scene that really stood out to me was a scene in which his mother and him are arguing and at the end of the argument, his mother says to him, "There are some things in this life that don't make sense. Some things will never make sense."

As an engineer, I try to make sense of everything. During my state of paranoia and psychosis, I tried desperately to make sense of everything that was going on in my mind. But I have learned myself that some things don't make sense.

Sometimes things are better left misunderstood...

True Serenity

"My level of acceptance profoundly impacts my serenity."
-Hope for Today (Alanon book), December 23 Devotion

In today's devotion, the writer talked about working with someone in their company that they did not get along with whatsoever. Over time, though, they were able to truly accept the situation and the person in order to move forward.

Last year, my mom and I did not get along at Christmas at all. It was really rough. We argued whenever we were around each other. To be completely honest, it was brutally awful.

This Christmas, everything is so different. It's like a complete 180 degree turn-around.

What's different?

Well, for one, I am on medications. I was very sick last Christmas, mentally. My schizophrenia and bipolar were beginning to really act up and worsen. My mom said she thought I was just very irritated. She didn't know at the time just how sick I was, until I started being hospitalized. I don't think anybody knew how truly sick I was, especially me.

So how does this all fit in to the quote above?

You see, my family has had to accept my severe mental illness, including me. I have also had to accept my mom the way she is and move forward in a more peaceful manner. We have not always had the easiest of times together, but I accept her for who she is and no matter what she has done in the past. That is just part of moving forward.

I love the quote above because I agree wholeheartedly with it. We have to truly accept our circumstances and the people around us in order to have serenity and contentment. Everything may not be perfect in our lives, but when we walk forward despite them, we may find a serenity we may never have expected...

Power over Thoughts

If you've been reading my posts, you may know that I've been reading Power Thoughts by Joyce Meyer. It's about the power that our thoughts have in our lives.

Yesterday, I went to therapy for the first time since I moved back to NJ. I caught my therapist up to speed about everything that happened this year, including being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. She was kind of shocked because the last time I saw her, I had been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.

I told her about my paranoia and psychosis that I have been dealing with. She asked how I was dealing with it and I said, I change my thought pattern. Whenever I start to think somebody's after me or is speaking behind my back, I think to myself, What is the probability of this really being true? This person barely knows me. I do what I call "fact check." I try to remind myself how realistic it is that everyone is after me. 

I have gotten through my last semester of graduate school by changing my thought pattern. Thoughts really do control how we react to different situations. By changing my thought pattern, I was able to deal with my paranoia and psychosis on a daily basis. I was able to not be consumed by those negative thoughts. I was able to move forward.

Whether or not you are dealing with schizophrenia or any other mental illness or not, you have power over the thoughts that you think...

On the Other Side

"Every difficult task that comes across your path- every one that you would rather not do, that will take the most effort, cause the most pain,  and be the greatest struggle- brings a blessing with it... Every battlefield you encounter, where you are required to draw your sword and fight the enemy, has the possibility of victory that will prove to be a rich blessing to your life. And every heavy burden you are called upon to lift hides within itself a miraculous secret of strength."
-J.R. Miller, Streams in the Desert, Dec. 21 Devotion

Boy, do I love this quote...

I can tell you from experience (and you may be able to as well) that when the going gets rough, sometimes it's hard to see the grass on the other side; it's difficult to see the blessings hidden within the challenges and obstacles.

It's been a few days now since I graduated but the excitement is still so real. There were some points last semester that I wondered how I would pass my classes. I did not do well on a few exams but I pressed on, hoping for the best. I trusted that God would help me through everything.

And He did...

As He always does...

I had my mind set on graduating, but I was dealing with severe side effects from my medications and paranoia and psychosis were still a daily struggle. I couldn't remember things as well as I used to, whatsoever. I was frustrated beyond belief. But I kept pressing on. I found a strength inside me that I didn't know was there.

Graduating made me realize that I can achieve anything I set my mind on, because I overcame great difficulties to get to graduation.

The motto that I told myself over and over last semester...

Never give up. You got this. Keep moving forward.

Even if you are terrified of the future or even the present, keep moving forward and never give up. You never know what's on the other side...

Last 10 Minutes

"God actually chooses people on purpose who actually cannot do what He is asking unless they allow Him to do it through them."
-Joyce Meyer, Power Thoughts

I don't know why exactly this quote stood out to me yesterday as I read it, but it did. I guess.. because maybe I still feel like the fact that I received a Masters degree is a compete miracle.

You see, what makes this achievement so special to me is that it took everything I had and that I had to overcome such tremendous odds to get it. I had to fight in order to receive it. It was not just handed to me. It only took me a year and a half to get the degree and in that time, I was hospitalized five times and missed over 2 months of school. Not only that, but I had to deal with paranoia, psychosis and mania on a daily basis.

I'm still reading Joyce Meyer's book and I have to say that I do not always agree with what she has to say, but I do agree when she says that our thoughts play a huge role in how we live. If we think negative thoughts, then our lives tend to be more negative... Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?!

I made a choice that I would receive my degree and that nothing, absolutely NOTHING, could stand in my way, not even schizoaffective disorder or PTSD.

I had three major exams at the end of the semester and I realized that they could make or break me receiving my degree. I had had a previous exam earlier in the semester that I failed because I totally blanked out and could not remember anything that I had studied... Needless to say, I was scared that this would happen again.

But I got into a routine before I took my exams. I studied for many hours, going over the material again and again. I took the exams at an exam center for students with disabilities so I went there a few hours before to study. But when it came to ten minutes before the exam, I put on my headphones and jammed out to inspirational songs I have on my iPhone. I did not spend the last 10 minutes studying. Instead, I chose to listen to music so I could calm my anxiety and get in the right state of mind for my exams. This worked!... Going into the exam, I felt energetic and peaceful, ready to take it and pass. I knew I could do it.

I believe that our thoughts really do help us through difficulties and that we have a choice over what to think.

What will you choose?

Inward Controversy

A few days ago, I came home to NJ from FL. Aside from all the snow, I was excited to be home from school.

I went down the street to talk to a friend and I told them I was on medications again.

Their reaction surprised me...

They said "Pray about it. You shouldn't need meds. God can heal you. Pray it out."

My belief is that I need my medications to succeed. Without them, I have paranoia and psychosis and mania and depression. My meds keep me stable and keep my world from becoming chaotic. When I am on the meds, I succeed in ways I never could have imagined.

Don't get me wrong. I believe that God heals but God can use medications to heal. God has healed me through the medications and I am thankful that my doctors have found a great mix for me that allows me to function. I know that if I went off of them, I would go straight back to the state I was in two semesters ago, and that is not where I want to be.

God heals in all different ways... Please don't judge someone because they take medications or think that they are taking medications because they don't believe God can heal them. Mental illness is a serious illness.

Regarding my friend, our conversation was cut short and I left because I was incredibly frustrated. I don't like arguing, for one.

Continuing to Move Forward

"Being positive does not mean we deny the existence of difficulty; it means we believe God is greater than our difficulties. Believing in God can cause us to win any battle we face."

-Joyce Meyer, Power Thoughts

I read this quote last night while reading the book on my tablet using the Scribd app. It is truly my new favorite app because I can read nearly any book I want to, all on one little tablet. They are not paying me to say this... I just absolutely love it.

The quote above means a lot to me personally.

Last night, the degree audits came out and everyone who was set to graduate could check if they graduated. So I checked it immediately and under Awarded, there was a big ole Yes.

And that is when I did my ultra happy dance around my house in NJ and called my brother and my mom to tell them the great news.

You had to be there...

Ok anyway, I am really excited to be officially graduated and ready to move forward into what God has planned for me.

I know that God led me to Florida for a reason and that He has plans for me here in NJ.

It is when we choose to be positive about our circumstances that things begin to change. The difficulties do not seem as big and slowly things get easier. To be honest, I was not sure if I could make it through the semester without a hospitalization, but over time, it got easier. Things got better. And slowly but surely, I achieved my goals, graduated and now am ready to continue to move forward.

I can tell you from experience that God is bigger than anything we face. It is through Him that we defeat the difficulties.

Never Give Up On Your Dreams

I got a tablet a few months ago and I just came across an app called Scribd in which I can read books on it. I love it.

Anyways, I started reading a book by Joyce Meyer when I came across this quote just a few minutes ago.

"When we believe or think we can do something, then somehow, someway- even if we face challenges- we still manage to get it done."
-Joyce Meyer, Power Thoughts

How true is this?

When we believe in ourselves, the sky is the limit.

To tell you the truth, when I got out of the hospital last April on my birthday, I was not sure if I would make it through school or if my hospitalizations would ever end, but my main goal was to stay out of the hospital. 

My mind was set on staying out. I believed inside that I could do it.

It got easier over time.

I took my medications and over time, I noticed a big difference in my symptoms. My paranoia slowly got better, even though it was still there. I learned over time to live with it, especially through therapy. Whether or not my paranoia will completely go away, I know that I can be successful and function on the medications. I believe this with my whole heart, that I can function successfully.

I think I am living proof that when you put your mind on a goal, you will stop at nothing to achieve it.

Never give up on your dreams.

New Chapter

It is strange being back here in NJ. There is snow absolutely EVERYWHERE and it's freezing. This is coming from someone who got used to Florida weather. I was down there for a year and a half. Before I left, it was about 80 degrees every day.

I even got to shovel some snow yesterday!

I miss the sun already.

But even though it is weird being back, I can't even begin to tell you how much excitement I feel about this new chapter in my life. I am going to send out resumes sometime in the coming weeks and hopefully have some interviews. I'm mainly looking for jobs in NYC because there is a bus that goes directly there.

It's difficult having mental illness but I will not let it stop me. I know that God has wonderful plans for me. At graduation, someone decorated their cap with Jeremiah 29:11. It was awesome and a great reminder to me.

I can't do it alone. I am so thankful God is on my side and many people have my back.

God bless!

Hope Never Fails

Boy, oh boy, the last few days have been incredible and bittersweet, joyful and exciting...

For those who don't know, I graduated with a Masters of Science in Biomedical Engineering yesterday. It has been a very hard road, including 5 hospitalizations in the last year and a half.

It is bittersweet because I had to say goodbye to so many people that really mean a lot to me.

I was talking to the lady who sat next to me on my flight from Charlotte, NC to Newark, NJ for most of our flight. When I told her that I graduated with a Masters, she said she met a miracle.

And that's how I feel... It is nothing short of a miracle how I graduated and moved forward. I couldn't have done it without God and my faith as well as the love and support of many people who have had my back.

I am officially the first person in my family to graduate college and now graduate school. I feel like I am breaking the cycle of drugs, alcohol and mental illness. I still have mental illness, but I am achieving things I never thought possible. Mental illness truly does not have to stop you from achieving your dreams. I think I'm living proof of that.

If you take anything from this blog, I would take great joy if you find hope. Not only do I want to spread awareness of mental illness, but I also want to spread hope. Hope is incredibly important and the reason I wake up every morning.

I'll leave you with a photo from my graduation of my mom and I...

Mom

It's my first morning post-school and I want to blog but I don't know what to write about. So I'll just let my stream of consciousness flow.

My mom is still sleeping...

I am so excited to have her down here with me to see me graduate, something that I knew was possible but at times thought was impossible. Someone I work with on campus said there were many times, especially last semester, when I could have gone in the wrong direction but didn't. My therapist says it's like a fork in the road. You can either choose the negative lane or the positive lane.

My mom and I have been through it all together and to have her here means the world to me. We have seen dark days together and we have seen bright days together... and Saturday, when I graduate, is a very bright day. We will be all smiles and full of joy.

I posted on my Facebook yesterday about how the last two times my mom was down in Florida, it was because I was in the hospital. It's such a difference this time under better circumstances. The excitement and joy is felt in the air.

My mom is incredibly strong and I think some of my strength and willpower comes from her. My willpower to never give up. To keep fighting the good fight. To keep marching forward, no matter what the weather.

The past year and a half of graduate school has been one of the toughest times in my life, but I didn't give up because, to me, giving up is not an option. I have always been a fighter, always yearning for the better day.

And today the brighter day is here...

Magical Day

Today has been a magical day...

I apologize for not blogging this morning. I didn't do my usual routine this morning since I had a very difficult final this morning and I woke up at 5am to study for it.

My final exam went very well.. meaning that I am officially done with my Masters program and ready to move forward with my life.

The excitement and joy filled my body as I walked from the testing center to my apartment after finishing the exam. Not only that, but I was overjoyed that my mother was on her way to Gainesville for my graduation.

I am writing this after spending the latter half of the day with my mom, reminiscing about the past two times she was in Gainesville.

We worked on packing my apartment when I came across this form from my last hospitalization...

In case you can't read that, it says Patient lacks capacity to sign.

And that's the truth about mental illness...

It can get so bad that one cannot function or do what they need to do.

It's hard to think that 8 months ago, I was in the state where I couldn't even function enough to sign a hospital intake form.

But that's the truth.

But not the whole truth.

I have moved forward in a ton of ways...

I am what my therapist and psychiatrist call a success story. In a few days, I am graduating with my Matsers in Biomedical Engineering, despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with severe mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar and PTSD) on a daily basis.

It has been a very hard road, but it has been worth every step of the way...

And it's not over yet.

Just a big step forward...

Let the festivities begin!

Worship In All Seasons

It is easy for me to worship in the summer sunshine , when the beautiful melodies of life seem to fill the air, and the lush fruit of life is still on the trees. But when the songbirds cease and the fruit falls from the trees, will my heart continue to sing? Will I remain in Gods house at night?

-George Matheson, Streams in the Desert, Dec. 11 Devotion

We are to worship God in all the seasons of our lives, no matter how difficult it seems. I can admit that sometimes it has been hard to worship Him but when I sense His peace in my life, I have no choice but to worship Him.

Last semester, when I was in the midst of severe suffering from mental illnesses, I felt His peace at the lake and I had no choice but to worship Him. And in worshiping Him, I found life even in the midst of suffering.

I think the test of life does not come when everything is easy, but it comes when things are difficult and you want to give up. You think the fight is not worth fighting. You think you can't go on and yet you feel something inside you, the power of the Holy Spirit, and you keep moving forward.

You keep moving forward  despite the challenges, despite every idea of giving up. You use every ounce that you've got left to keep moving forward. And as you keep moving forward, you have no choice but to praise Him, because you had no idea what you had inside of you.

Has Your Back

Today marks 8 months without a hospitalization. To tell you the truth, I didn't think this day would come, but since I've taken my medications and gone to therapy and treatment, things have gotten a lot easier.

I think the real turning point came when I didn't think about the hospital anymore.

Mental illness can be very difficult but treating it in the correct way can lead to positive results.  If you take it step by step, it is possible to move forward.

In the past few months I have had to come to terms with my serious mental illness and I have had to battle with it through paranoia and psychosis, but it is very rewarding to know that I am moving forward.

Moving forward does not have to mean getting everything right or perfect. It may mean you take baby steps. It may mean you don't know what will happen, but you trust that God has your back.

And He always will...

Free to Move Forward

"Having chosen not to be a victim crippled by childhood trauma, I felt free- as if heavy chains had been removed from my legs. I was free to move wherever the river of life might take me."
-R.B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Today is the day I get my cap and gown for my Masters graduation. It is crazy to think how far I've come in the past year. Tomorrow marks 8 months without a hospitalization, something I honestly thought would never happen. Four more months to a year.

I came across the above quote this morning and had to write about it because I feel in a big way that I am moving forward in a very positive direction. I found a possible job at NYU a few days ago and am really excited about applying. There are a few other places I am looking.

I am thankful beyond measure to everyone who has helped me get this far, with their prayers, encouragement, and unending support. It is because of you that I am graduating.

I like this quote because it is a reminder that I am not a victim of childhood trauma, but instead a survivor and I walk forward into the life God has called me as a strong survivor. There is much power in recognizing this. There is freedom.

And yes, as I move forward, I feel free.

Courage

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
-Nelson Mandela

What does courage mean to you?

To me, courage means that one trusts God in the face of impossible circumstances. It is trust in the unknown future, trusting that everything will work out, despite the difficult present time.

I have personally had to be courageous most of my life. My life was threatened multiple times as a child. I prayed to God many times to be delivered from the unbelievable difficulties. When I became homeless as a teenager, I didn't know how everything would work out... but they did.

Courage isn't born in easy circumstances. It is born in the times when we don't know which way is up, the times when we are terrified and yet we walk in the way of the light, the times when we think the world is caving in on us and we don't know how to move forward...

Courage is born in the difficult circumstances of our lives, when we trust God regardless of our immediate future.

We need to trust that God has a greater plan ahead of us, if we just hang in there.

Positive Outlook

"You have to stop thinking bad things are going to happen and look forward to all that is waiting for you. There's a good life ahead of you, but only if you choose to accept it."
-R.B.Mitchell, Castaway Kid

This quote stood out to me this morning, because I realized that lately, I have been thinking more positively about my future. I am really positive about moving home to NJ and finding a job.

A few months ago, my pastor said to me, "You have a story whether or not something tragic happens this year." It was in this moment that I realized that I had a choice to make about whether or not I would be positive about my future, despite my mental illness and other challenges. It made me realize that the rest of this year didn't have to be full of hospitalizations.

I had a choice.

I think it is this positive outlook that has carried me so far without a hospitalization. When I first got out of the hospital in April, each day was a challenge and I thought I was headed back to the hospital "any day now."

But now, almost 8 months later, I don't live my life like that anymore. I live it, knowing that if I take my medications and go to therapy and psychiatrist appointments, I do not have to go to the hospital. I know I can stay stable and function successfully.

I don't live my life each day wondering if I'm going to go back to the hospital anymore. I live knowing that I have a bright future despite dealing with multiple mental illnesses. I live knowing that I can stay out of the hospital.

I am graduating with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering in 7 days, despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD. I am not only the first person in my family to graduate from college but I am also the first one to graduate with a Masters.

There is something to be said about having a positive attitude. Nothing is impossible.

In The Midst

"God doesn't sit back as a passive observer and allow circumstances or Satan to hurt us, only to step in afterward and say optimistically, 'I can make this into something good!' He has a purpose and design in what is happening to us from the beginning, and even though what is happening to us might not be good, God intends it all for our ultimate good."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

With my life full of obstacles, I have heard everything one can hear about whether or not God intends the difficult circumstances in our lives to happen. One of my least favorite is that God allowed all of the difficult things in my life so that I would have a good testimony. I say that's one of my least favorite because I think God is after more than a good testimony.

He is with us in the midst of the storms. Even as a child being abused, I felt God. I experienced God. That is why my faith is so strong. He helped me even in the midst of what was happening.

In all of the most difficult challenges I have faced, I have felt God very strongly. Last year, I felt Him as I went to the lake. I felt Him as a sense of peace overwhelmed me as I watched a white bird soar over the lake. That sense of peace stayed with me, even in the midst of my confusion and chaos of mental illness.

As a teenager, being neglected, I felt Him when I was alone. I decorated my room with Bible verses. I read them all the time and my relationship with God grew throughout.

So can I say that bad circumstances and difficulties can be turned into good?

Absolutely!

Does it mean that everything will be easy?

Not at all.

Does it mean that God will be with you and me throughout the difficulties?

Absolutely.

Blessings Upon Blessings

Yesterday was one of the most blessed days I've had in awhile.

First, it was the last day of the semester for me, meaning that I've made it through the entire semester without being hospitalized. This comes after last semester, in which I was hospitalized 4 times.

Second, I had two exams. No words can explain how blessed I felt when I took the exams. You see, my memory is not good on my medications...at all. On the prior exam in one of my classes, I completely blanked out and forgot everything I studied.... It was absolutely awful and very frustrating. I sat there confused, not remembering anything.

But yesterday, as I took the exams, I remembered nearly everything. And if I forgot something, I thought well enough to try and figure it out.

I felt so blessed as I took the exams. I felt the prayers of people who were praying.

There are definitely times when I miss my awesome memory, i.e. my photographic memory. When I was off the meds, I could memorize 60 pages of notes in 3 hours word for word. 

But I know I need the medications to function, even if they play around with my memory.

Yesterday was the first day that I really felt that my memory was working despite the medications and it was a tremendous blessing. It reminded me that I can truly be successful on the medications.

This morning, I have an Exit Interview for the graduate school and as I go to this interview, I feel so blessed to be able to finish strong in the graduate program, despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with multiple mental illnseses.

This semester is wrapping up nicely.      

A Firm Faith

"You'll find that while storms still blow into your life, you won't be destroyed by them. Your world may be rocked by difficulty and disappointment, but your faith will hold firm."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

Have you ever been rocked by circumstances in your life? Has your faith ever been tested?

I have and mine has...

Even now, as I have two exams today, I have to trust that God will carry me through the exams so I can successfully graduate.

It's in the toughest moments in our lives that our faith grows. It's in those moments when we feel like giving up, that the fight is too hard, or we just don't know which way is up, that God steps in and helps us in ways we never could have expected.

I began the journey of graduate school a year and a half ago. The person who I was then is not the person I am now. I have gone through tremendous healing and growth in my relationship with God.

You truly never know what God can do in the midst of great suffering.

Processing

"Steel is the product of iron plus fire. Soil is rock plus heat and the crushing of glaciers....In the same way, the development of human character requires a plus attached to it, for great character is made not through luxurious living but through suffering."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Dec. 2 Devotion

I've been studying for my Materials exam on Wednesday for the past five days or so. We have a test on the mechanics of the materials as well as the heat, mass and momentum transport of the materials.

So....

I've learned a lot about how materials work.

And one lecture came to mind when I read this quote above earlier this morning. 

My professor did an awesome demo a few classes ago. He took a hair pin and bent it back and forth and it didn't break. He then took another one, lit it on fire and quickly put it in a glass of cold water. When he bent the hair pin, it broke very easily. Finally, he took a third hair pin and lit it on fire, but this time, he didn't put it in the water. He allowed it to cool down for about a minute. When he went to bend it, it was strong and did not break.

Now I know and undersstand the mechanics of how this all works. It includes quenching, annealing and cold working. But I'm not going there...

Instead, I just want to talk about how sometimes the challenges in our lives are exactly what we need to grow and become who God wants us to be. Sometimes in life, we will be asked to walk through the fire. Or sometimes we will be dumped into a situation that we don't want to be in. Circumstances arise that sometimes we don't know how we will get through them. And sometimes we are asked to wait, and with time, we may  find healing and strength.

But all of that is how God "processes" us. It is how we gain a meaningful relationship with Him. It is how we learn more about Him. It is how we become close to Him and experience His presence.

Sorrow or Blessing?

"God, if you are powerful enough to have done things differently, why didn't you? How can I accept your comfort and believe you want to heal my broken heart when you could have kept me from experiencing this sorrow in the first place? If you'd only given me what I wanted, neither of us would have been sad."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

As I read this early this morning, I was reminded of times when I have asked God these questions. I will never forget when I was talking to a reverend as a teenager and she told me that God could have sent a lightning bolt at my father when he was abusing me, but God didn't.

Am I grateful for my sorrows? Am I grateful for the pain I've endured?

I can honestly say in a way, yes.

Why?

Let me share with you another quote...

"Paul recognized that all his suffering-being imprisoned, shiprwrecked, stoned, threatened, rejected, criticized, cold and hungry-allowed him to experience a special fellowship with Jesus."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

And another one...

"Jesus is not a distant deity who knows nothing about the pain of disappointment and death. he knows firsthand. He understands.".
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

I have been abused, neglected, and homeless. I have experienced the loss of a brother at the early age of 25. I deal with multiple mental illnesses on a daily basis.

But I am making it, with the help of God.

I am thankful to Him that I am not alone in this fight. I am thankful to Him that he has brought people into my life to help me during my trials. As I look back and reflect on all of my trials, I can see the hand of God throughout all of it.

And am I happy that He didn't stop my trials, even though He could have?

In  a way, yes. 

Because I have a special fellowship with Him that I would not have otherwise.
"

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

"You can be blessed in the midst of a miserable situation, because being blessed doesn't mean you have no trouble or struggle or sorrow; it doesn't mean you always experience success and comfort. It means that in the midst of the trouble and struggle and sorrow, you find yourself deeply secure, profoundly content and happy in God."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

Oddly enough, I read this book right after my fourth hospitalization in this past April. It's hard to believe that it's December already and that in two weeks, I will be on a plane heading home to New Jersey.

This quote reminded me that no matter what happens in our lives, we need to be deeply rooted in God. Through Him, we find security and comfort even during the storms of life. Reading this now, I am reminded that no matter what comes my way, God is there for me. I don't know what my next phase in my life will look like, but I am trusting God.

As I am finishing up at UF, I am really grateful for a few people who helped me through my difficult times, especially the people of my church here in Gainesville. They stood by me through my months of paranoia and psychosis. I am going to miss them very deeply. They blessed me in so many ways. They brought hope and peace into my life when I most needed it. 

It is hitting me hard that this is my second to last Sunday at the church here.

It's been quite a journey during my time here in Florida. It has been full of obstacles and pain, but also many times of blessing. As I move forward, I not only remember the tough times but I also remember the blessed times as well.