You Are Not There Anymore

As I started talking, the world around me disappeared and I was back there.. To say that place is intense is a grave understatement. I do not really know how to explain the "there." It is dark. It is painful. There is no light. There is no joy... Just intense terror.

I feel the tears fall down my face as I move from "there" to "here."

"You are not there anymore... You are here," she says. "Try to focus on your surroundings."

"B-b-b-but I c-c-c-can't," I stutter, now frustrated that I have started stuttering and the spasms are back, something I have feared for the past few weeks.

"You can."

"Th-th-th-the m-m-m-memories k-k-keep c-c-coming," I say, now extremely angry and frustrated.

"I know. But you are not there anymore. They are just memories."

By now, my arms are moving uncontrollably and the memories flooding my mind- the pictures- are just as uncontrollable. There are not really words to explain what it is like.

The flashbacks come at all times of the day and the nightmares come at night. They are not always predictable but they are always very intense. I have about a hundred different flashbacks and many more triggers. Some of the triggers cannot be explained.

Until recently, the flashbacks were never so intense that they caused spasms or stuttering. It is difficult enough not to be able to control the flashbacks but add uncontrollable physical symptoms and then you understand what I have been dealing with for the past month or so.

Earlier today when I was struggling with the physical symptoms, my mother texted me this verse:

"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me." -Psalm 30:2 (KJV)

Even in the most difficult moments, those moments when I am completely consumed by memories of the past, I still have hope. Even in the times when I cannot control my arms or speak clearly, I have hope in the ultimate Healer. I do not know what He is going to do through this process, but I will never lose hope.

No matter what you are going through, no matter what consumes your life, no matter what storms come your way or that you are traveling through right now, I hope you never lose hope.