In the Midst of the Storms, Talk to God

Where do I begin? It’s been such a long time since my last post. My life has taken quite a few twists and turns in the past few weeks.

I am currently struggling with four disorders and a few weeks ago, I was hospitalized for the eighth time in the past 7 years. To say that life is difficult sometimes is an understatement and I know many people who would agree with me.

The past two weeks were going pretty well until a few days ago when my anxiety level started to rise. I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to awful things in my past. There are no words to really explain what it is like to be constantly reminded of your past when all you want to do is move forward and forget the past.

This week I am entering into intensive treatment in which they are purposely going to cause my anxiety to rise so that I should have flashbacks. I am absolutely terrified. I know that God is on my side and He has been with me in every moment of my life, but I am scared beyond imagination to start this treatment.

In order to help me cope with everything, I have started to write in 3 different journals. I wanted to share a few excerpts from my  Conversations with God journal in hopes that they might help whoever reads this post:

“Most of the times I feel God the most are in the quietest, simplest moments in life. Lately, it’s been my moments sitting at the lake or stargazing… I feel completely at peace and am filled with God’s love and hope.

If I had to describe feeling God, it’s that I feel this warmth envelop me and sometimes I get chills and feel His presence. I get this sense of calm and peace, even if everything around me is chaotic. There’s usually little going on and it feels like it’s just me and Him. Other people can be around but they don’t really matter in those moments, because I’m so focused on the love I feel in His presence.”

“In God, I feel cleansed, refreshed and renewed. I feel a hope I never thought I would ever feel when I was a child. I get excited about life and what God will do in my life, where I will go. I’m not just merely trying to make it through the day. I feel a huge sense of joy. I don’t feel trapped in a dark room- my hands are free- I can raise my arms to praise the One who has freed me, rescued and is redeeming me… God is continually making me feel whole again.

He’s taking that huge gaping hole in my soul- the shattered pieces, the brokenness, the frustrations, the endless anxiety, the panic, the horrible memories, flashbacks and nightmares- and He is filling it with His love, peace, hope and joy. He’s giving me the strength I need to overcome and to keep on fighting so that I do not feel trapped and alone or that nobody cares. In His presence, I know that there is One who cares more deeply for me than anyone on earth ever can. he can heal me like no one can. He can cleanse me like no one can.”

“When the world tells me I am not good enough, not beautiful enough, not clean enough, not pure enough, it feels extremely good to have a heavenly Father who tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made- that I am not an accident, not a mistake- that I have a purpose in life and that He loves me.”