I realized last night why some people have been having a difficult time understanding what I'm going through. I have told many people throughout the past few years, especially in the past few months, about my ability, or my perceived ability, of "photographic memory." I actually never thought to do any research into it, because it was always something I have had.
My first thought that I might have some sort of photographic memory came with a conversation with a professor. I had just taken a medical leave after my fall and I was getting back into the swing of classes, work and life. I was explaining how I usually memorize everything before an exam. This professor asked me if I had photographic memory. I was always known to finish exams in 20-30 minutes when it took most students the full hour and a half. One semester I got 11 100's on exams and I had always felt questioned by the professors. My peers often joked about my pencil being on fire because I wrote so fast.
Any of the professors I have ever had will tell you that their most frequent response to all my questions was "I am about to go over that", "We're going to go over that next class," etc. When I looked at what was on the board, I was not only processing what they were saying but I was applying everything I had learned on anything related and constantly questioning the limits to what they said. I have had professors tell me not to answer out loud when they asked questions. One told me that I needed to give others a chance to think and answer. To be honest, often I knew what they were asking by the third or fourth word in their question.
I also understand that some people may think that I spent all of my time reading books about the topics. But any of the people who know me will also tell you that I spent the majority of my time outside of class working 3-5 part-time jobs on campus. These jobs did not allow me to do anything but work. I often did not even have that much time to study.
When I do study, I often just skim the notes not to actually study or memorize anything. Instead, I test my ability to recall what the professor said. I would look at an equation and remember what I was looking at and what the professor was saying.
In everyday life, my mind is going a million miles a minute. If someone says a word to me, I literally go through a "chain" in my head. Seemingly unrelated things become a chain of thoughts in my head.
Now how does this all fit in to my visual memory of life events? I have always had an ability to look at the details of something. Look at my photography. Look at my drawings. I listen to music all the time and music is one of the things that has the most patterns in it. Any of my mathematics professors will tell you that I was constantly finding patterns in what they were teaching and would often ask them about more complex topics.
It is this ability to see all of the details that has helped me get to where I am. Those details were how God talked to me when I was younger. Those details are how God speaks to me now.
My family will tell you that I never sat around drawing. I actually do not like drawing. I have probably drawn around 20 sketches in the past 5 years. Until this past summer, my piano keyboard has been in my basement, completely forgotten. I never took a photography class. While I do like reading books, I also have not sat around reading books all the time. In college, I rarely ever had time to read any books.
I have always been told I have a good ear and a good eye. In high school, my band teacher needed more people to play french horn. So I switched from clarinet to french horn and learned how to play the french horn in about a month. I practiced it at home, not a lot. My mother does not even remember me practicing at all.
One time he asked me to play in front of the whole band during practice. At the end, he said that I had a good ear. I have always played music by ear. I have always drawn what I see. I have always remembered what I experience.
One of the biggest arguments I have had with my mother has been about my inability to understand why others couldn't just draw like I did or play music by ear. It has not been my thinking that I am better. It was truly that I have felt so different. Some of the people at my college even commented on what was my "unusual intelligence."
It is through these abilities that I have that I am able to process my past and present. I do not understand anything unless I can visualize it in my head. I loved Calculus 3 because it was in three dimensions. That's also why I like physics. It's the application of mathematics and so many other things I have observed.
I cannot actually look at a page with words for a few seconds and memorize it word for word. But I think in pictures. I remember in pictures and videos. I can walk through various parts of my life like I am living through it again. And this is with all of my senses, especially visual and auditory.
I have always paid so much attention to detail that the most basic things, like communication, are very difficult to me. I have always been observing the things around me. My mother once said that I've always been like a sponge just soaking up everything.
The most difficult part of it is that I have been through so many traumatic experiences, which makes my extreme visual memory sometimes very difficult to deal with. But I am slowly learning to deal with those difficult memories and to see how God carried me through them.
When I was six, I was trapped in my home in a house fire. I was alone and I remember that like it was yesterday. I went into the kitchen. The phone was on the wall closest to my bedroom. The stove was where the fire originated from, so the kitchen was the worst place to be. But I knew I had to call for help. So, at age six, I looked around me and I looked right by the sink. There was a small black garbage can. It was empty, but I went to the opposite side of the room where the phone was. I tipped it over, stepped on it and called the police. The firemen apparently got there right on time.
Thinking about this event in my life, I am reminded that it is my attention to detail that has continually saved my life. And having to go back to those bad events and memories in my life is exactly what will continue to help me through, just like I had to go back to the source of the fire in order to be rescued.
Who would have thought that in such a life threatening situation that a six year old would look around the kitchen, taking in the details around them and think to tip a trash can over so they could call the firemen? My attention to detail and ability to think on the spot has been what has helped me continually survive against the odds.
And of course, God. I would not be here without Him.
We may feel like God gives us more than we can handle, but I can tell you from my experiences of life that He always gives us what we need to handle the obstacles. I have been dealt extraordinarily difficult things to deal with in my life, but I do not know if I am surprised that I have been given extraordinary gifts to pay attention to the details and to express myself through ideas, drawing, photography, and music.
These abilities are why I have recently been given the diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome, a form of autism. And I believe that autistic people, as any other human on this earth, should be loved, appreciated, not ignored, embraced and validated.
No comments:
Post a Comment