Update

Yesterday was October 25, 2019, ten years after my most serious suicide attempt. I am lucky to be alive. Life has been challenging since then, especially when I was in the state mental institution for 2 years. I am moving forward in God's grace.

I try my best to surround myself with good people. I currently go to a partial care program that includes music therapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Dialectical Behavior therapy, goal setting, journaling and other groups that I chose. I've made quite a few friends at program.

I love DBT and CBT because they teach me necessary skills to succeed in life. Currently, in DBT we are going over the Observe, Describe and Participate skills, which are kind of self-explanatory.

I love mindfulness and meditation. I participate in at least 1 meditation a day on my Insight Timer application on my phone. I am going to a Meditation class at the Science of Spirituality Meditation Center early today. I also attend Alanon Family Group meetings online or over the phone.

Last night's meeting was on Let Go and Let God. It is so difficult not being able to control the alcoholic or recovering alcoholic but we need to leave it in God's hands. God is ultimately in control and can help the alcoholic in ways that we can't imagine. It's hard to let go and let God if we want to control things.

Near-Death Experiences

I went to a meditation class a few days ago and the man presenting talked about near-death experiences. I quickly exclaimed "Yeah, I've had those."

My first near-death experience was after a severe fall (details not included for thematic elements). I saw a bright light and then I came back to Earth. I don't remember a lot of it except the bright light.

The second was over a year ago when I was dying in the hospital. I remember in my mind walking down a trial towards someone who looked like Jesus. I kept walking, but I couldn't get any closer. After a few minutes of this, I raised my hand up to say "No, not yet." I think Jesus was waiting for my decision. During the walking, I felt a huge sense of calm, joy and peace. I often want to get that feeling back. Sometimes it does when I meditate. It was not a dream; it was very different from a dream.

If you're wondering why I came back, it was for my psychologist who was going through grave difficulties. She didn't really tell me anything except I could feel a sense that she was struggling. I wanted to help her so I came back. I've overcome and been faced with many difficulties since coming back for her but I am glad that I fought through it all.

The man who ran the meditation class said after sharing about this that I am unique because I chose to come back. He didn't know that I came back for someone (for lack of time). It was the best decision I made even though I've lost touch with my psychologist. The last time I saw her she had the biggest smile in the world and I hope that this post finds her well.

Freedom in the Fight

Ever since that day a month ago, that day I chose to fight that which had always tried to control and rob me of the last 8 years, I have wondered where I would be, etc. And I also believe that though the medications robbed me of certain experiences, it has not changed who I am. In fact, I believe it has made me a better person.

On that day over a month ago, I stopped taking a certain type of medication that I thought might be creating the symptoms, especially paranoia. Two days later, the symptoms disappeared. I was told that I would not even make it past the first week without being hospitalized. People will tell you that I was so excited I was dancing for most of the week. Imagine if you felt deep pain and fear for many years and it disappeared.

When I was first placed on this type of medication, I was in my third year of college. I had a 3.986 GPA in my first two years. After I went back after a medical leave, my grades plummeted. I could not deal with the loss of memory, concentration and focus. I had numerous talks with someone from the school who said I had to come to terms with these changes.

I don’t quite know when I first had paranoia, other than that it mostly started in late college years, which I was taking new medications . Somehow, I graduated and received a full fellowship for a PhD program. I was excited but my paranoia progressed rapidly. I was hospitalized about 8 times within college and graduate school and given all sorts of diagnoses. They tried putting me on over 25 medications, about 10 of which were the type I do not take now. They never completely worked and I was very frustrated.

I lost my PhD fellowship because of the paranoia. I could not walk around campus without having my head over my shoulder. My mind could not comprehend that maybe all those people were not following me but rather going to a different building or classroom.  I could barely look at peers or professors without intense fear. I even could not sit in a church without doubting that the people around me wanted me to go away. I could not even function as a lab assistant because I was so paranoid.

I ended up going home. I had a steady stream of hospital visits, day programs, hospital visits, day programs. Nobody could pinpoint why all the treatments were not working. Meanwhile, my brain was chaotic. I became catatonic, heard voices, would cringe at the sight of police, freeze at the sound of police cars. I feared that people thought I was not taking my medications….which I was taking them.

I did not want to go anywhere. I began not to go running, for fear that the police were following me. I stopped going to a friend’s store, for fear that they had ties to the FBI. I began to avoid the world out there. That’s when I stopped talking to my mother. I was hospitalized, cut off any communication with her, and moved away from anything I knew.

I began a day program. My mind was so cloudy that I did not really know what was going on. After that program, I was put in another outpatient program in which I have been in for the past 2 and a half years. Again, I was met with more paranoia. Some days I would travel in my mind. I soon began to fear some other peers and especially staff. One day I would be so happy and the next I believed some of the staff worked for the FBI. I sometimes spent a whole week not trusting anyone. Some days I gathered the courage to ask staff if I was in trouble or if they were mad at me.

They relentlessly told me that I was okay, that there was nothing wrong. That answer would lessen the paranoia but not for long.

Two months ago, I realized that I had not taken a medication that I was supposed to take for “psychotic agitation.” It was an as-needed medication to help alleviate the paranoia. I noticed that I was absolutely fine. Unfortunately after explaining this, I was told to stay on the medication.

After taking the medication again, my symptoms came back, worse than ever before. That is when I began to fight. I thought I was on to something. One day, I made sense of everything.

I’ve been off that type of medication for over a month now and I have not had any paranoia.

Those medications may have robbed me of the last 8 years but I still have me. I have met incredible people. I’ve met the love of my life, my wonderful boyfriend, I have many friends and a great support network. And I also have God in my life, who has helped me to continue to get through difficult times.

The Power of Good

I am on a vacation but not a vacation. I am on a retreat but not a retreat. I am at the beach but not a beach. I am somewhere I’ve never been but not somewhere I’ve never been.

I am on a personal journey to find my life. How many times have people said that? How can you find your life? You’re living, aren’t you? How can you lose something so tangible, so palpable?

I came to where I am because I helped save someone’s life two weeks ago. It was extremely frightening and traumatic. I came here trusting that something good would happen.

Little did I know that I would find myself again. I found more of myself in the silence than in the words of those around me. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I went outside, put a 5 or 10 minute timer on my phone. I sit in the chair with my eyes closed and just listened. I heard the birds. I heard the trees in the wind. I heard planes. I heard faint voices. I felt the sun piercing through my closed eyes. But no words.

For those few moments, I was one with my surroundings. I was one with my experiences in that moment. More often than not, I would be disappointed when the 5-10 minute timer would bring me back to reality, whatever that means. I thought I was more in reality than ever before.

My greatest discovery being here has been that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a death sentence. I, as well as many other people, have been very traumatized. I think you can agree that this world is messy, but it does not have to be. THIS WORLD DOES NOT HAVE TO BE. We live in an absolutely beautiful world.

What are you saying, Chelsea? How can you say that when it seems like our world seems to be falling apart?

It is not falling apart. We have a God who can transform all the bad into good. If you take time out of your busy day to see the beauty of this universe, you can see the beauty. Your world revolves around what you focus on.

The beauty of the brain, which I have studied extensively, is that it can change. I have noticed just this past week how powerful focusing on the GOOD rather than the bad can be.

Someone told me a few days ago that we can have bad triggers but there can also be GOOD triggers. I did not really understand that at first. But once I began recalling good memories, I found a different experience than I had rarely experienced before. I laughed, I smiled, joy filled my body.

GOOD is powerful.

Silencing the Screams

The words are escaping me. I do not really know what to say. I do not want to eat. I've had nightmares that awaken me at all hours of the night. I look around myself and I see her. I hear her cursing at us at the top of her lungs. I hear her screams and also my screams in my head, silently screaming. We all went from 0 to 60 in 1 second. The adrenaline still flows through my veins despite knowing that it happened three days ago. It honestly feels like it happened a few seconds ago.

I find myself having a cup in my hand ready to drink from it and freezing for 30 seconds only to "awaken" and drink. Or riding on the bus looking out the windows while the bus driver says "Here we are." The tape goes over and over in my head. The first image. The screams. The police. The sirens. The chase. The silent screams. The deep breath. I cannot seem to get out of it.

I am stuck in those thirty minutes and I wonder to myself when it will end.

I have had my headphones in my ears everywhere I've gone for the past 3 days because it helps to silence the screams. I try to listen to the words instead of the replaying video. Sometimes it helps. Most times it does not.

I've had a lot of traumatic experiences but this one is different. I never thought I would see this in my lifetime.

I don't really have any other words other than that I am glad she is alive. I helped save her life but I do not think I am some kind of hero. Ultimately I am thankful to God for saving her. I was just an instrument.

Divine Intervention

This past week I listened to "Rivals" by Citizen Way at least 80 times. This past week I needed those lyrics to get through one of the most challenging week I have ever been through. I could have ended up on the inpatient unit at the hospital about 5 times.

Instead of focusing on what went wrong, I would like to focus on what went RIGHT and even some divine intervention. I do not believe God could have orchestrated it any better.

Last Thursday was around the time that I started to break down and fall apart. I was outside and a yellow butterfly landed right next to me. It was gorgeous and possibly one of the most beautiful butterflies I've seen. And it is not a normal sight near where I live. The butterfly not only reminded me that I am going through a transformative stage in my life. It also brought me to a situation two months ago when I saw a butterfly inside. A friend and I helped release that butterfly outside. It was one of the most magical moments, as it flew away. It was freed. That butterfly was used to tell me that God can free me from all of the difficulties I am currently dealing with, as He does for all of us.

On Monday, I was struggling and going downhill quicker than Michael Phelps can swim a lap. The weather was dark with a ton of rain coming down. Those who know me well know that I do not stop walking or raining in the snow or rain. I absolutely love running. I went outside to run and walk to deal with my struggles. I was kind of angry that it was raining, to be honest. The next time I went out the front door, I noticed that there was a clearing in the sky. Almost instantaneously, the sky opened up. The sun came out. It was another magical moment this week. God told me very clearly, "I understand you are going through this rough time, but I am here for you. I will help you get through this, just as I cleared up the sky in an instant. Things will get better."

Another day this past week (possibly Wednesday), I was listening to "Just Say Jesus" by 7eventh Time Down. All of a sudden, I listened to the lyrics and REALLY listened. The gist of the song is that things can get downright difficult, downright almost like hell on earth. BUT if you remind yourself about Jesus and how He saved all of us, you will get through anything. I saw what looked like an eagle (could've been anything- what matters most is what I perceived it to be.) I must have stood outside for 5 minutes listening to the song a few times and watching the eagle. To me, eagles signify strength, perseverance and hope. In that moment, God told me that I have the strength to "soar" through the storms of life. If I say Jesus instead of focusing on the negative, I can get through this. This is another situation that reminded me that God is more powerful than anything that comes my way.

The last really big moment for me happened on Thursday. I went to the hospital for a therapy appointment that I had planned two weeks ago. Needless to say, God knew the exact time I would need therapy. I had been suffering all week. In my therapist's office, I cried and had a meltdown. I told her some of my struggles and that the medication I was on was making me worse. She called the psychiatrist to come into her office to evaluate me, which he did. They said I was decompensating rapidly but I gathered myself and said I did not want to go to the inpatient unit. I was simply asking for a medication change. My psychiatrist took away the problem medication and added two medications.

The next morning, I woke up calm. I had some trouble sleeping, because my body was readjusting, especially my brain. I went out the next day and my symptoms were almost gone. I found out that the problem medication can cause a life-threatening condition that can cause paranoia, tremors and all kinds of things that I went through this past week.

I want to thank God for giving me signs throughout the week that He was listening and fighting with me and on my behalf. I don't believe in God because I am religious. I believe in God because I have learned to listen to Him. I don't really hear any voices. I see little situations in my life that remind me how much He cares. Even when I am symptomatic, I ask God to give me signs that He cares or messages to help me get through. The fact that my therapist and my psychiatrist both had the time to see me and talk to me to try to keep me out of inpatient is more than a coincidence. It was divine intervention.

Baby Bird

One of the world's most beautiful events just happened to me as I walked home from a quick run.


I happened to come across a baby bird. I thought it was odd that it did not fly away as soon as it saw me. It kept trying to fly away. It was obviously learning to fly. Then the parent bird came down and said something to the baby bird. Probably some words of encouragement. Right after that, the baby flew away, with no struggle.

I had a very difficult day. I am struggling a lot. I am currently waiting to hear if my insurance will cover a brain MRI that I need in order to see if I have a brain tumor. I’m trying to hang in there as much as I can at this point but it is terrifying. I am waiting for the next step regarding going to the dentist. I am waiting to see if my housing situation will get any better.

Waiting… waiting.. waiting…

I do not like waiting. I will be the first to say that I am one of the least patient people I have ever man. Patient with others but not situations. I want to know NOW… right this very second.

But that is not how life is.

Watching the baby bird struggle reminded me that if something scares me, the best thing I can do is keep moving forward. The bird did not fly far, but it took steps forward. Sometimes it takes some encouragement from others, like the parent bird did to the baby bird. I hate to be cliché (and by saying that I am cliché) but I was also reminded that baby steps lead to so much more… the ability to fly.