A Comfortable Friend

Everyone, please meet Teddy!

Not a lot of people know that I have a teddy bear. Teddy, my beloved teddy bear, helps me to calm down and get through my flashbacks when I'm home.

My family has a few theories about why I have Teddy and why he helps me. One of the theories is that when I go back in time to when I was being abused as a child, I cope like I coped as a little child. Going through many many years of abuse and neglect has made it difficult to cope. When I hug Teddy, I feel comforted. I calm down. I know he's not going to yell at me or hurt me. I can hug him and feel loved.

When I was growing up, I had a doll that I was inseparable from. Much like Teddy, she comforted me during the many years of abuse I endured. I spent many nights hugging the baby doll as I cried myself to sleep. I still sometimes cry myself to sleep when I hug Teddy.

I loved that baby doll and she comforted me much like Teddy does.

I've had Teddy for 8 years and I really didn't get attached to him until my PTSD got worse when I was being harrassed by my father. My depression got worse and I needed comfort. It's hard for me to relate to others. I found that hugging him helps me to recover from my flashbacks. I feel less lonely. Teddy has also been there for me in nearly all of my hospitalizations. Being in the hospital can be terrifying and having him with me has helped.

Quite a few times I've wondered if I have multiple personality disorder. I know that some people who have endured many years of abuse suffer from it. Sometimes when I have flashbacks, I tend to have a difficult time getting out of them and coming back to the present. I'm a little child again. Lately, I've been having anywhere between 5 to 20 flashbacks a day. Some days are better, some days are worse. Today I had fourteen.

Teddy, to me, is a constant reminder of God. He loves me no matter what. He doesn't yell or harm me. I can trust him. He hugs me when I'm crying. He comforts me.

I guess part of the reason I have Teddy is that it's hard to relate to others. I'm scared to get to know others sometimes because I don't know what they'll think when they hear about my past. I know that I won't be judged when I hug him.

I don't know all the reasons why I have Teddy but what I do know is that he has helped me through a lot. He has calmed me down many times and that means a lot. Some people may wonder why I don't have a pet but pets tend to trigger my PTSD so I try to avoid them. I'm just glad I have something that comforts me.

The Trust Battle

Trust.

I am currently dealing with issues with trust. I have dealt with these issues for the majority of my life. When I was abused by my father and oldest brother, my trust was betrayed. When I was neglected by my mother, my trust was betrayed. I've had issues with trusting that others really care about me or that they'll be there for me when I need them to be. For so many years, people I loved and cared for weren't there for me when I needed them.

It makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with trust to this day.

Currently, I am dealing with what a friend of mine calls "personalization." It is a part of paranoia that you see things that others are doing and you point it all back on yourself. You morph it into everybody being after you. It's like if someone gives me a certain stare, I think I did something wrong. It's gotten to the point that I think others are speaking bad about me. And it's not that fun.

I don't know if raising my medication will help it. I think it's something I need to work on through my therapy. It's remnants from my paranoia and psychosis. As someone said, medication can only go so far and the rest is up to hard work. I am currently in trauma therapy, dealing with things like flashbacks and the paranoia. My traumatic experience is mixed in with the paranoia and lately I think that people are after me to kill me or to abuse me. I've thought that my father has turned everybody against me. For years as a child my father threatened to kill me. He even tried to kill me a few times.

Point blank, it's not a great way to live.

But today, I started to do something different. I started to say "Hi, how are you?" and "Have a good day" to all of the people I think are after me. And it's actually alleviating my paranoia. Nobody told me to do this, but I thought that talking back to the paranoia would help.

Life can get difficult but through God's strength, we can overcome anything.

"Jesus came to save the lost. His blood-stained hands, feet, and side are proof of the death-defying power of his love for us. There is no place his love cannot reach."
-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal

I wanted to end on this quote, because this life can be scary. This life can be downright terrifying at times. I've been through my fair share of frightening circumstances and I may always have some trouble trusting others due to how I was raised and all that I've had to overcome. But that does not mean I have to live terrified or frightened. I may have flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse for the rest of my life, but that does not mean that they have to overwhelm my life.

I can move forward, knowing that Jesus has my back and He will guide me and help me through everything. Nothing that I have gone through or will go through is too big for Him.

I wanted to share a song that has helped me tremendously. I actually met Kirk Franklin during college and told him how much this song meant to me. I had a chance to talk for about 10 minutes to him about how much it helped me through my healing. The song is Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin. It's about letting go of the pain that others caused and moving forward into the hope of God.

Grace for the Difficult

Today was my second day at work. It was a busy day. I only work twenty hours a week, so my days are really short. I love having the afternoons to myself, to take a nap or read a book. It helps me be able to calm down and destress even while I am working.

After work, I finished getting my medications refilled. To say this is one of the most important things I do each month is an understatement. I do not necessary like taking medications, but I know it is critical for my success in life. I know that if I do not take them, I will not function.

One thing I have struggled a bit with are my diagnoses. I have no problem agreeing that I have PTSD, but I have had a little trouble with the diagnosis of bipolar. When I went off the medications last summer, my mom and I agreed that I didn't really have the symptoms. I never stayed up for days. My thoughts were not really rapid. I didn't go on spending sprees.

When I went off the meds, I was diagnosed with autism and undiagnosed with bipolar since my test scores were "counterindicative of bipolar." I was diagnosed with autism again earlier this year and the new doctor agreed that I was not bipolar. Even with my new diagnoses, I still have a hard time saying that I do not have autism because a lot of my symptoms and even my IQ scores are indicative of autism. I've heard of people being diagnosed with autism and a mental illness. It's rare but possible.

After going off the meds, my bipolar illness came back with a vengeance after staying dormant almost half a year, so much so that I had no choice but to admit that I have it. This has taken a little getting used to. When I first was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, I was no doubt upset. It's not easy being diagnosed with something so serious and chronic. The stigmas against mental illness are also very hard to overcome. People tend to run away from it more than they do with people with other illnesses.

But I think that's where my faith comes in. My faith says that things will get better. My faith says to rely on God for the strength to get through the difficult days. My faith says there is a light in the darkness. My faith says God is bigger than anything I'm diagnosed with.

I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith. It is the hope I find in God that keeps me going, no matter how dark the days become. It is by His grace, His peace, His love and His joy that I continue to live regardless of what's thrown at me. It's through Him that I get up each morning and take my morning and night medications.

I wanted to leave with a version of a song that I love that talks about God's grace.

Getting Up From a Fall

Today was the first day of my new job and to say I was excited is a little bit of an understatement. It is something new mixed with things that I have done. But most of all, going to work this morning meant that I was getting up and taking a huge leap forward in my healing process. I am getting up from a few months of being in and out of hospitals. I am getting up from the thoughts and the voices inside my head that said I would never get a job again, that I would never recover or learn to deal with my disorders.

I am getting up.

This past week was an incredible week for me. I got a job, I secured enough financial aid for my last semester, and I signed a lease for a new apartment.

With all of this moving forward and getting up business, I've been wondering what it means to get up after a storm. What does it mean to have hope again after feeling so hopeless and helpless?

Part of getting up is having hope again. It's knowing that no matter how bad things are, they have the potential to get better. When I was in and out of hospitals, I thoughts my hospitalizations would never end. I thought it was an endless cycle and that I would be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I was so scared that I would never get up again.

But I clung to God and the hope that can be found in Him.

Part of getting up is relying on God. There are things on this earth that are not meant to be done alone. For a few weeks, I had no idea how I was going to fund my last semester of graduate school. I had no idea where I would live. But I put my faith and trust in God and He worked things out better than I could have expected. It's alright if we don't have all the answers, as long as we trust God.

Part of getting up is to do some things we are not comfortable doing. In order to take care of business, I had to do some things that I am not so comfortable doing, like going to a job interview. I love my new job, but I don't like job interviews. Recently, I was on the phone with people in the billing office at the hospital, which is also one of my least favorite things to do. But it had to be done. And when you do those things that are necessary but not your favorite, you feel relieved. Because you got things done. It's hard stuff getting up after a fall, but if you want to get up, you need to go through the difficult things.

Part of getting up is knowing that this too shall pass. Most difficult things we go through tend to get better with time. As I said, I thought my hospitalizations would never end. But yesterday marked two months out of the hospital. You have to cling to the hope that things can and will get better. I often wish I could flick a finger and everything would be a-okay. But life doesn't work like that. However, they do get better over time. It's about progress.

Part of getting up is knowing that God is bigger than anything we face here on earth. Things can get downright hurtful and painful on earth, but something that always helps me is to remind myself of how big and powerful God is. Nothing that we face here is bigger than Him. Ultimately, He can take care of us and He will, if we allow Him. This has taken me a long time to understand. I've often asked myself why if He is so powerful did I have to go through so much. Why didn't He stop it? I believe the answer is He could have but there is more to the story that I don't know. But the ending is good. He is interweaving everything according to His will in only a way He can.

As I continue to get up and move forward, I have gained a new sense of hope. I have learned a lot about myself and who God is.

I want to share with you a song I've been listening to, Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood. It explains beautifully how we can learn from the most difficult things we face in life.

The Ultimate Healer

Today I am celebrating two months since I got out of my last hospitalization. After four months of being in and out of hospitals adding up to almost a month and a half of time, it is such a relief that things are getting better.

I still struggle sometimes with paranoia and my PTSD is still hard to control, but I am really excited to be moving forward and healing. Sometimes when you’re going through a storm, you forget that things can get better. They can. And they will if you trust God and lean on Him.

“Our God is a God of truth and light. Lies are exposed when truth is spoken. Darkness is banished when light is allowed to shine.”

-Diane Langberg, On the Threshold of Hope

I grew up surrounded with lies. Lies that told me I was inhuman and not worthy of real love. Lies that told me I would never have a good life. Lies that told me I was good for nothing.

So what is the truth that I have found in God?

Well, the truth I have found relates to all of us.

I am beautiful. No matter what others may say, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. There is nobody like me and I am a beautiful creation of God.

I am worthy of God’s love. God loves me just for who I am, not for what I’ve done or haven’t done. He loves me for who I am. Nothing I do or say can stop Him from loving me. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but God has forgiven me. I am not my past. I am here in the present and that's what matters. God's love is always with us.

I am worthy of love from other people. Just as I should love others, I deserve to be loved by other people. Even though I grew up in horrible abusive circumstances where I was not loved by certain people, I am worthy of love from others.

I have been redeemed. Redemption comes when you can move forward from the past and look to the future that God has in store. It comes when you are rescued from what was and you move forward into God's love. Redemption is a huge part of the healing process. It comes when the lies we have been told are overtaken by the truth we find in God. It comes when we no longer dwell on the pain or hurts in the past. We no longer live in the past.

I am being restored. Restoration begins when you start healing from the past. God comes into your life and starts to heal your past regrets and hurts. Restoration is a process through which we find out who God is. He is the ultimate Healer. Restoration is when broken hearts are healed. After years of abuse, my restoration process is still going on.

I am God’s child. No matter what others have said or are saying about you, know that you are God’s child. Nothing that happens on this earth can take that truth away. After years of being treated like I am less than human, it has taken a long time to realize this statement. I am actually wanted, loved and adored by God and my identity is His child. No matter what's happened in the past, I can leave it because I know my real identity in Christ. I am dearly loved by Him.

God is healing me every day and helping me to move forward. If you allow Him, He can heal you from your pain and hurt as well. Allow Him to restore. Allow Him to heal. Allow Him to reveal the lies. Allow Him to renew.

The Father's Love

The following is a passage in my journal from a few months ago:

I've been taken advantage of so many times, hurt so many times, betrayed so many times that it is sometimes just so difficult to think that there is someone greater than this earth that truly cares about me and loves me in a kind way, with no ulterior motives and no plan to hurt me.

Most of the times I feel God are in the quietest, simplest moments in life. Lately, it's been my moments sitting at the lake or stargazing... I feel completely at peace and am filled with God's love and hope. 

If I had to describe feeling God, it's that I feel this warmth envelop me and sometimes I get chills and feel His presence. I get this sense of calm and peace, even if everything around me is chaotic. There's usually little going on and it feels like it's just me and Him. Other people can be around but they don't usually matter in these moments because I'm so focused on the love I feel in His presence.

The love and hope and peace I feel in those moments is so completely different from how I felt in the presence of my earthly father or how I felt during his abuse. With him, I feel completely terrified, my heart starts pounding, I feel intensely ashamed, like an entire part of me has been taken away- missing or destroyed. I feel hopeless, like I'm just living- nowhere near the thriving feeling I feel in God's presence.

In God, I feel cleansed, refreshed and renewed. I feel a hope I never thought I would ever feel when I was a child. I get excited about life and what God will do in my life, where I will go. I'm not just merely trying to make it through the day. I feel a huge sense of joy. I don't feel trapped in a dark room- my hands are free- I can raise my arms to praise the One who has freed me, rescued me and is redeeming me. The love I feel in God's presence is nothing like the love I thought I was receiving from my earthly father. He wanted control and to feel powerful over me and he stole a part of me. But God is continually making me feel whole again.

He's taking that huge gaping hole in my soul- the shattered pieces, the brokenness, the frustrations, the endless anxiety, the panic, the horrible memories, flashbacks and nightmares- and He is filling it with His love, peace, hope and joy. He's giving me the strength I need to overcome and to keep on fighting so that I do not feel trapped and alone or that nobody cares. In His presence, I know that there is One who cares more deeply for me than anyone on earth ever can. He can cleanse me like no one can. I think the greatest thing about God and being in His presence is that He is everything I've always wanted in my earthly father.

He is proud of me and not just because I did what he told me to to. He's not going to beat me up if I don't do something He wants me to do. He's not going to use me just to hurt me or because I'm smaller than Him. He has a lot of power but He doesn't use it to harm me. He softly and tenderly reminds me and shows me what true love is...I've spent most of my life wondering what it's like to have a father who loves me...The truth is that I do have a loving father who shows me unconditional love every moment of my life.

If I mess up, he doesn't beat me up, tell me I'm stupid or say I'm good for nothing except to be used and abused. He tells me gently what's right or wrong and gently tells me how to make it better- He transforms me gently into the person He wants me to be.

He taught me right from wrong when all that my family taught me was wrong. He taught me what it means to be loved and not abused even when all I knew was not real love but a love that hurt and was not correct. He loved me and was there for me when nobody else was- when I thought all I was good for was to be used and abused, mistreated and thrown away...

When the world tells me I am not good enough, not beautiful enough, not clean enough, not pure enough, it feels so extremely good to have a heavenly Father who tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made- that I am not an accident, not a mistake, that I have a purpose in life and that He loves me.

He is breathing new life into me, making me new again...

"Let the little children come to me, 

and do not hinder them, 

for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

-Mark 10:14 (NIV)

Embrace the Beautiful

I've realized that after being in and out of hospitals in the beginning months of this year, I've grown to appreciate the little things in life in a whole new way. Each new day is a blessing after struggling for so long. I still struggle sometimes, but I have come a long way in a few months. Monday will mark two months since I was released from my last hospitalization. To me, that's a huge accomplishment and blessing from God.

I try to embrace each morning and each new day. I try to appreciate everything, even the difficult things. I am so fortunate to be getting better and to have things going well.

In some ways, it's like becoming a child again. Being excited about everything, each new day. In a lot of ways, dealing with my struggles has made me more serious than I want to be. I want to have fun again. I was told by a little girl a few days ago, "You're beautiful just the way you are." Just that simple gesture made my day. In the simplicity of the statement, it made me feel much better.

One of the small things I love to do when I'm out in nature is to watch the sun shine through the trees. I believe the sun is one of the most magical things on earth. Through the clouds and the trees, it shines in ways that are sometimes breathtaking.

I took a short video of the sun shining through the trees when I was on the swing the other day. The video is okay but it was even more beautiful in real life.

A few months ago, I visited some relatives in a town nearby and they told me to take a walk down the street and they live in the country area. I was taken aback by the wondrous beauty of the trees and the country side near where they live. I was so taken in that I walked right by their house on the way back. I honestly could not take my eyes off the sun, the trees and the beautiful countryside. The beauty was just overwhelming.

Beauty is all around us. The beauty of what God has created is all around and it is up to us to embrace it and celebrate it- to take it all in.

I believe that the magic happens when we stop dwelling on the negative and we start appreciating the beautiful world that God has given us. The magic happens when we begin to breathe in the positive things around us, embracing the beauty. The magic happens when we stop dwelling on the negatives in the past and we start to move forward into what God has planned for us.

I want to share the opening scene of one of my favorite movies, August Rush. Like the little boy says, all we need to do is listen and open ourselves up. As you watch the clip, look at how beautiful the scenery and the words he says are.

Embrace the beauty. Embrace the wonderful. Embrace the positive. Embrace life as it is.