To Be Loved...

A friend posted this video and I wanted to share it. It is a simple yet profound video that speaks about the challenges that we each face as human beings. We often have no idea what others are dealing with.

"Even at age seven, I could see that kids preferred poverty if they were loved, rags if they were cared for, and homelessness if someone wanted them."
-R.B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Love is very important to us as human beings and most often, we would give anything to receive it.

Love is one of the most precious gifts that we can give to others in this life. Feeling loved, appreciated and cared for makes a huge difference in our lives. Having grown up in a household full of severe abuse, I often wondered what it meant to be loved by a father. I still do. I would give anything to know what it feels like to be truly loved and cared for by a human father.

I am very fortunate to know the love of my Father in heaven. I know that for many who grew up with an abusive father, it is difficult to trust God. For many years, it was nearly impossible to call God my Father. I could barely even say "Our Father" in church during the Lord's prayer. However, God has revealed His love for me in many ways. His love means more to me than anything and He is why I choose to fight through the rough days. He gives me the strength I need to get through each day.

To feel love means that there is someone who truly cares for you and would fight for you. That there is someone who would help you through the good, the bad and the awful. Not just here for the good. Not just here for a day or two. But here in the long run.

That kind of love means more than words can express.

As you look around yourself today, see how you can love those around you. Be a blessing to others. Treat others as if they are having the worst day of their lives. Because they might be. They might be battling with something you may know nothing about.

Take the opportunity you've been given in this life and open your heart to love.

Rebuild. Renew. Restore. Refresh.

"I have loved thee with an everlasting love: 

therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Again I will build thee, and thou shalt be built."

-Jeremiah 31:3b-4a

Have you ever had a point in your life when everything felt shattered and you are trying to fix everything? Trying to mold everything back together? Slowly picking up the pieces that once were your life?

I'm at that point in my life. This last semester was by far one of the hardest times in my life and I lost a lot because of the challenges I faced. I lost my graduate funding. I lost meaningful time that I could have spent creating friendships and building relationships. Sometimes it feels like I lost a ton of stuff I worked hard for.

During many points in my life, I have felt completely shattered. Pieces scattered everywhere. Confusion. Chaos. Turmoil.

But God is slowly but surely helping me to rebuild. Not only what was shattered last semester but what has been shattered throughout my life. Like trust in others.

I don't know what is going to happen from here. But what I do know is that I am blessed beyond belief. I have people who truly care about me and want the best for me. I am coming to terms with my trust issues and slowly allowing myself to trust others.

My doctor increased my antipsychotic medication two days ago due to paranoia I have been experiencing in the past few days and yesterday was the first day on the higher dose. To say it is a relief not to be paranoid is an understatement. 

When I am paranoid and when I am not seem like two separate lives. In one, I am terrified of people, thinking that the whole world is conspiring against me. In the other, I am at peace and I can put my trust in other people, knowing there are people who I can trust. Life is so different when I'm not paranoid. Paranoia causes a lot of chaos in every aspect of my life.

While I don't like to think about my psychotic episodes, it is a tremendous relief knowing that I remember them. 

Why? 

Because I can learn from them. I have seen different patterns in my thinking that leads to my psychotic episode. There is a rapid cycling that causes my stress and anxiety to build up to a point where I become extremely psychotic. My anxiety is very high. I have more flashbacks. I often experience moments of deja vu. Since I recognize the patterns and am more aware of it, I am able to stop it before it gets worse.

We can learn a lot from the mistakes we make or the trials we face. I think that's actually one of the reasons we have obstacles in our lives. We learn from them. It takes a lot to look back on the hard times and take away something that can help us in the future. But that gives the hard times meaning. Even though it may be hard to look back, God helps us to rebuild from those mistakes and obstacles.

I definitely feel like God is helping me rebuild my life. He is helping me restore, refresh and renew. It takes courage to rebuild. It takes strength to rebuild. But with God, nothing is impossible. I know that He has great and wonderful plans for each of us, no matter how difficult life may seem.

That's what keeps me going.

Life is all about turning to God. It is about learning about Him through all of the situations we are living.

I've learned that He is a gracious God who cares about all of us very deeply. He cries with us. He weeps with us. He carries us. He is there for us in a deeper way than possible with other human beings. He knows us.

God surely loves us and He gives us hope in the darkest of times. Even at my rock bottom this past semester, I knew that God was with me. Our God does not abandon us, especially in the times when He feels so distant. He never lets go of us, no matter how far away we feel from Him.

Most importantly, He helps us to rebuild after the storms. Just as we are trying to help the people in Oklahoma rebuild after the tornado, God helps us to rebuild our minds, our hearts, and our souls. He helps to restore us to a place where we are even better off than we were before the storm. And that is what makes me grateful for this past semester, even with all of the issues I faced. I am stronger than I ever have been before.

God is helping me deal with the hurt I have felt for most of my life. He is making me come face to face with some really intense and challenging things. He is helping me heal in ways I never could have imagined and every day, I am discovering more about myself and who He is. I am slowly but surely putting more trust in Him. I am learning to put my hope in Him and His awesome plans for my life.

Every breath that we have in our lives comes from Him. Every single breath. Our lives belong to Him.

So I'm gonna live my life for Him... No matter what I will face in the future or what I'm facing in the present. I'm gonna make my life count.

Every breath is His...

Healing Takes Time

"As God transforms our minds by his truth, he corrects our distorted thinking. Freedom comes as our minds are filled with God's truth."
-Diane Landberg, On the Threshold of Hope

I am currently going through the process of changing my distorted thoughts. Not only did I grow up in an abusive household in which I was taught that it was normal to be abused and neglected, but I also deal with having distorted thinking due to my schizoaffective disorder. I deal with daily thoughts that people are trying to hurt me or kill me. People are following me and everybody is against me. They're all after me, my thoughts say.

My doctor called yesterday afternoon and we are trying a new dose of one of my medications, an antipsychotic, to deal with the paranoid thinking.

My PTSD and schizoaffective disorder have mixed and I have flashbacks that sometimes lead to the psychotic thinking. Lately, I've been having many flashbacks of the abuse. When I was abused, I was told many times that if I told anybody about what happened, then I would be killed or nobody would believe me, which plays into my psychotic thinking.

It's not a good cycle, but it's what I have to live with. And my life could be a lot worse, so I choose to live a happy life, regardless of the negativity. It's just something I deal with. It's frustrating at times, but who doesn't live with some frustration? Every time I have a flashback or paranoia, I have a choice of whether I want to let it consume my life or if I want to move forward.

I choose to move forward.

I'm sorry but I'm going to talk briefly about some physics. Many people know what friction is. Friction occurs when there are two objects and the surface of one may impact how easily one moves over the other. Well, in a lot of ways, that's how my disorders work. I'm moving forward and I am moving through life but all of a sudden, it gets harder to move through life. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving forward. It may mean that things get rough or that I have to slow down. It may mean that more obstacles come my way. But no matter what, I keep moving forward.

At the same time that the meds are working to stop my distorted thinking, I am trying to figure out how to deal with my past and the flashbacks I have on a daily basis. For years, I thought that the abuse I grew up in was normal. I never knew anything differently. I still  often struggle to trust that what I went through isn't normal. I still am suspicious that other people are abused. 

After all that was my normal.

It took until I was 13 to realize that what I went through as a child was not normal. I had no idea that my childhood was not what everyone else experienced. I still remember my reverend telling me, "It's not normal to be home alone every single night when you're 13." I had no idea.

In many ways, I have to forgive myself because I feel like I let it happen since I didn't know it wasn't normal.

But that's part of recovery and figuring out the truth.

I have a lot of hope in my recovery from both the PTSD caused by years of abuse and the schizoaffective disorder.

Why do I have hope?

Because even though this life is hard, God never lets us go. He is there with us every step of the way. I feel Him even at my lowest points. I experience His grace and peace even in the darkest times. In my last psychotic episode, I recited the Lord's Prayer and felt at peace.

He is the reason I am still here fighting each day. I love God and I know He loves me. And He wants me to heal from everything I've been through. I don't know where God will bring me in the healing process, but I have a lot of hope.

Healing takes time.

It's not something we can rush. It's something we go through as a process and the harder things have gotten, the more healing needs to take place. But it makes the healing process all the more meaningful and beautiful.

I want to heal more than anything. More than anything I've ever wanted. Healing may not mean that my disorders go away but that over time, they aren't as bad. I don't know what God's plan is for me, but today, I am going to trust Him. Currently, my disorders are impacting my life tremendously, but I am clinging to a lot of hope that they won't always be so invasive in my life and that over time, I will gain my life back.

I have hope that I can claim my life back. I have hope that I can recover from all that has happened in my life.

The most important thing I know is that I can find hope in Christ because I have been redeemed through Him. This is what I cling to when the flashbacks become very bad. When the memories become too hard to deal with, I cling to this hope that I have been redeemed and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Race Against Time

We have choices to make in this life. But sometimes we are dealt difficult things that come whether or not we like it. One of those things for me is having schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. Neither is curable. But for each disorder, there are steps that I can take to alleviate the symptoms.

I have battled PTSD for 11 years, since the age of 13. I was first given the "possible" diagnosis of bipolar disorder when I was 16. I have been battling the symptoms of both disorders for many, many years.

But as I say...

Never, ever give up and always, always move forward.

Even if you have to take baby steps or slowly put one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes you even have to crawl.

I have been telling myself this for the past few weeks and it's helped me to stay strong in the face of many difficulties. I don't know what is going to happen with my disorders and often, I feel like it's a race against time until my disorder gets too bad to handle and I may end up in an institution. My disorders continue to get worse and worse, despite treatment.

That scares me.

Dealing with mental illnesses can be scary.

But that is exactly why I feel so called to trust God- to trust that He has a plan greater than anything I can imagine.

This life is going to be hard. It is extremely difficult at times. But we have a God who can control everything. And that is what makes life worth living. That is why I continue to fight, despite everything getting worse.

That is exactly why I just gave my doctor a call and I am waiting for a call back to see if they can increase one of my medications.

I'm not giving up and I'm not giving in.

No way.

Never give up. Keep fighting. Keep moving forward. Keep taking baby steps.

One step in front of the other.

I have made the choice that no matter what comes my way, no matter what disorders I am diagnosed with, how many flashbacks I have each day, or how paranoid or psychotic I become, I am not going to give up.

This life is worth living, even on the darkest days.

I have made the choice to live each day to the fullest. To make the most of every day I have.

Take each day as it comes, day by day.

Get up and face each morning. Get up and start again each day. Each day is an opportunity. Each day is a tremendous blessing and an opportunity to be a blessing to others.

One of my best friends texted me a verse yesterday and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

"What shall we then say to these things? 

If God be for us, who can be against us?"

-Romans 8:31 (KJV)

No matter how scared I become, I know that God holds my tomorrow. He holds my life in His hands and that means more than words can say. I have hope because of God. If I didn't have faith in God, I would be long gone. It is because of God that I continue to move forward.

Whatever you're facing today, get up and meet the challenges. Because I can personally say that I have learned more about God and experienced Him more through my challenges than through anything else. He works miracles through the challenges we face.

No matter how difficult challenges become, God can use them and transform them into blessings.

Just keep swimming...

One of Those Days

Some days are harder than others. And today was a difficult day.

But I press on...

I was paranoid during most of the day. It was uncontrollable but mild. I thought that people were following me. I thought people were laughing at me. I've had bouts of this for the past few days. I have been suspicious of people lately.

I have been taking my medications religiously so I am very scared that my paranoia and psychosis are resistant to the medication again. Seeing as how I am already on high doses of heavy duty medications, this is really hard to take in. I also have tried 14 medications, so I don't know what else I can try.

I received news earlier today that will make it hard for me to get my Masters, even though I only have 4 more classes to take.

It is one of these days when I just want to crawl up in a ball and just stay there for eternity.

But it's also days like today that I have a choice to get up and fight through another day. Get up and enjoy this life. I have a choice of whether or not I let the evil in my life stop me from achieving what God has in store for me.

I am choosing to fight, as I always have, because I know that God has something great in store for my life.

I will cling to the hope that I find in Christ.

Living with mental illnesses means that I have to take life as it comes, day by day. And I have hope in tomorrow. I am not giving up my hope that easily.

Time Ticking Down

While I have never been involved in any war, I feel like I have been through a war.

In many respects, I have been in a war. But not a war that you may be thinking of. A war of endless battles to become healthy after years of battling abuse, neglect and other traumatic experiences.

A war in my mind.

Today, I am battling minor paranoia. It is incredibly frustrating but there are minor hints of paranoia. Though I have taken my medications as prescribed, I am terrified of another battle raging inside my mind. My last psychotic episode had been resistant to medication and as I feel minor paranoia peeking through, I am terrified that I may have another one.

The next one could kill me or land me in a state mental institution.

You see, battling mental illness is not just about taking medications or seeing a therapist. It is about battling for a healthy life. Just as people fight through physical illnesses, my fight is to become healthy. To keep my brain healthy. It is about surviving each day as it comes. The medications only go so far. I often feel as if I am battling for more time. More time for sanity. My brain is just waiting. Waiting to go off.

I wish that more people did not avoid what they do not understand.

I wish more people didn't avoid me because they know I have mental illness.

I wish more people tried to understand.

I wish that people did not make fun of me or avoid me because I have mental illness.

I wish that people asked me questions so that I could help them understand.

I have severe mental illness and I know that there is a risk in me talking so openly about it. But this is not just about me. It is about the many thousands of people who fight against mental illness. It has gotten to the point in my life where it is not so easy to hide it anymore. Many people saw me when I had my battles with paranoia and psychosis in the past few months.

I really wish that people were not so afraid of the unknown. We face the unknown every single day.

I wish more people embraced the unknown.

I wish more people embraced me for who I am, not what I have.

It is in the unknown where we find out more truth about ourselves and the world.

My mental illness is very severe and it has tried to take my life many times. It is a battle sometimes between life and death, as the chemicals in my brain cause chaos. When the battle gets that bad, it is a battle for survival. My mind picks up things from my past and creates a realistic yet unrealistic story that I have no choice but to believe. Given time and distance, the story is not realistic anymore but a tale. A tale that makes no sense but made all sense during my psychotic episode.

People think that taking medications solves everything.

Well it doesn't.

It obviously helps, but when you've had resistance to medications such as I have, you just have to live each day to the fullest, not knowing what each day will bring.

To be honest, I am still afraid that my psychosis and paranoia will resurface to an uncontrollable state.

It's one of those things you have to experience to understand.

It scares me. Resistance to medication scares me, especially since I am on heavy doses of heavy duty medications. In my last psychotic episode, I thought the cops were after me. I thought there was no way out of the misery. The terror. The heart beating fast. The eyes fluttering in every direction, trying to find clues. Trying to make sense of the madness. Everywhere I turned there they were, waiting to get me. Waiting to take my life from me.

But to end the madness, I called the police, the exact people I was trying to avoid. I had to face my greatest fear in order to get help. In order to survive. I was lucky.

Sometimes survival with mental illness comes down to our will to live.

I want to live so terribly. Even with all of the chaos in my life. Even though this life has been terribly difficult. It is life and I am going to embrace each day that God gives me on this earth.

Just as I cannot control when or where or if I have flashbacks, I cannot control if there will be another psychotic episode. I pray each day that the paranoia and psychosis stays away. I pray that it doesn't resurface.

Sometimes, it feels as if I am living with a ticking time bomb and I don't know when it will go off.

But what I do decide is if I am going to enjoy this life.

And today, I am going to try my best to enjoy my life, despite the minor paranoia.

I pray each morning of each new day. And I put one step in front of the other, trusting that God will lead the way.

Experiencing God

I'm in the process of figuring out student loans, financial aid and my housing for the Fall today. It's been in the back of my mind to get all of this done and figure it all out, but in a way, I've been avoiding it because, as we all know, paperwork is LOTS of fun (sarcasm at its greatest). But the more I figured it all out, the greater I felt. The more the weight came off my shoulders. The unknown became known, the questions were replaced with solutions, no longer just something in the back of my head that bothers and nags me. That lingering anxious feeling.

Figuring it all out can be very chaotic, but sometimes it's not just enough to trust God that everything will work out. Sometimes we have to do some footwork to get things going. It's not like loans come out of the sky. We have to do some work to get there. Sometimes we need to take care of business.

Meanwhile, I just started my 12th book of the summer, Walking With God by John Eldredge. He talks about the fact that intimacy with God is our main point of living. Intimacy with God isn't just about being a good person and questioning our motives with the question WWJD? (What would Jesus do?) Intimacy with God is much more than that. It is talking with God, hearing His voice, listening to Him speak, listening to the Holy Spirit's guidance. 

Lately, I've been thinking very philosophically. Maybe it's because I spend so much time in nature, exploring God's creation, but I often wonder about the meaning of life. What is the purpose of our lives?

I mean, do you ever wonder why we try so hard in this life to be the best when we are just floating on a sphere in a great wide space. I often feel like there is more to life than the day in and day out, the hustle and bustle of life.

That meaning is found in a deep relationship with God. It is found in the intimacy that we can experience with God.

I don't believe our meaning in our life comes from getting straight As or being the best. It doesn't come from having a lot of money or a high status in society. Mind you, this is coming from someone who has gotten straight As. I have spent years, just like most people, trying to get to the top.

What for?

Isn't there more to life?

As I've mentioned, I'm taking this summer off from school and as I do, I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. We are only offered life once and I don't want to waste mine. I want to give my life meaning by changing this world somehow.

My pastor and I had a conversation a few months ago and she said something that I've been thinking about lately. I often said that with my PhD degree, I wanted to do something great in this world. She looked at me and said, "You're not going to do great things. You are already doing great things now."

We must make the most of every opportunity today, in the present. We must strive to make a difference each day in this world. Bit by bit, day by day, if each of us makes a difference, then this world will be a better, more peaceful place.

Our intimacy with God plays a huge role in how we live our lives.

Intimacy with God is a huge priority in my life. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I try to spend as much time with God, talking with Him, as I can. The majesty I have seen in His creations is unbelievable. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes my life worth living, no matter how difficult it becomes. Living on this earth experiencing God is beyond anything I have ever experienced. It gives a meaning to my life that I have never felt before.

Each of us has an opportunity to change this world and experience God more deeply.

I want to leave you with some photographs I took over the past few days of clouds during sunrises and sunsets. Whenever I look up at the clouds, I am always in awe of the beauty and the artistic qualities in them. Each day, the sunrises and sunsets are different. Each day, God creatively arranges the clouds so beautifully. Each day, I am reminded that God is so powerful and that He formed this whole universe.

Take time to enjoy your life and to make a difference in this world...