Lessons I have learned in therapy

I have been in and out of therapy since the age of seven. It hasn't always been easy but I've learned a lot from my therapists and counselors. I have been in and out of hospitals 12 times in the past 10 years.  I have also been in 4 outpatient programs. The following is a list of things that I have learned in therapy.

1. I cannot be held responsible for any other people's behaviors except for my own. We can only control ourselves. This has been an important concept for me to understand because I tend to want to change others but the only person I can change is myself.

2. Breathing in and out and meditation work. I was reluctant to start doing it but it helps a lot. In the past two weeks I've been using meditation a lot more  and I've been more calm without taking anti anxiety medications. A therapist once told me the medications are only a small part of  what aleviates the illnesses I am dealing with. Recently I have been figuring out how to feel better. I tend to meditate multiple times a day, something that I never thought would happen.  The first time I ever tried meditating I thought it was a joke.  My mind would always wander. But now since I've been using it for years it is much easier to focus on one word or a number or anything pertaining to the medication. It's not a joke to me anymore. It is something that I use every day.

3. There are some good therapists and there are some bad therapists. Fortunately for me I had more good than bad. But I did have one therapist who basically charged me to hear her talk about her own issues. Needless to say she didn't help me a lot. So I changed therapists and forgot about her.

4. There are good people out there who really care about me. Not just about money. Or a paycheck. I have felt cared about by many therapists.

5. Getting better takes time and a lot of patience. I sure wish that I didn't have to go to therapist for the rest of my life but I have a feeling I will be in and out of therapy for the rest of my life. I wish I could feel better at a snap of a finger but life isn't like that. Being in therapy is not a weakness. This life is a journey. There are usually not easy simple solutions to mental illness. Take your time to feel better.

If at first you don't succeed,...

I woke up twice last night and I've been up since 5:30 AM. Among the things that I thought about this morning I looked up how many medications I have taken over the past 10 years. I realize that I've been on 20 psychiatric medications among other medications. I've racked up 12 hospitalizations in the past 10 years as well. I've been in four outpatient programs for mental health. And it gets frustrating after a while. It seems like things aren't working.

This weekend I talked to my doctor because the medications weren't working well. I was pacing, had high paranoia and anxiety. But that didn't stop me. Nothing can stop me when I am motivated to become a better person and a mentally well person. Even in the amount of time that I've taken out to become well, even though it's frustrating that it took longer than usual, I am glad that I have made it this far. I am glad God has saved my life literally on numerous occasions. I'm glad that I made it this far even with all of the challenges that have come my way. It's not easy but it's doable. This life is truly livable no matter what the circumstances.

Ever heard that saying "gotta go when you gotta go." Well that's how I think of it in terms of my mental health. When I need to go to the hospital it's not a bad thing necessarily.  It doesn't even have to be a setback. I was recently in the hospital for 3 weeks and I can honestly say it was a huge leap forward for me. It just means I need extra help but it's not a weakness. It means that I need to go somewhere safe and where people can help me 24 seven.

My main point for writing this blog post is that sometimes we give up too easily. Sometimes we don't give the day a chance. Sometimes we just sit or lay down all day wondering what we can do when we really know what we can do. We just don't want to. We choose not to. I could've given up on the second hospitalization. I could've wondered why I was still in there, why I had this illness that I have but I feel like one of the luckiest people on earth because it's not about what life you're given; it's the life that you make. It's about making the most out of the life you've been given the matter what comes your way.

So what do you do when you try at first and you don't succeed? You try try again. You keep going no matter what comes your way. You keep striving for the best even when it's the most difficult times in your life. You keep fighting for what's right and what's real. In my case you keep taking the medications even when they're not working because you know that you will find the right amount of medications that you should be on. Its about not giving up. All of life is about not giving up. It's about fighting, fighting for a better day.

So in conclusion I would like you to meditate on what I have said about not giving up and trying and trying and trying more and more and more even when things get frustrating because this life is much more than just the heartaches. My message to you today to those people on Facebook who don't know that I'm still writing my blog because I deactivated my Facebook a month ago ( yes I fell off the face of the planet) and those around the world reading my blog I like to say: never give up.

Peace and love.

Hope is a winning battle

Over two years ago I began this blog project. It has been a space for me to reflect, encourage, persevere and fight for a better day.

Then comes the name of my blog. "Hope Rising." And even though I have been dealt many hard cards in my life, even more so recently, nothing seems to stop me from moving forward. What does hope mean? It is the desire to move forward despite any external difficult circumstances because you know in your deepest of depths within your heart, mind, body, soul and spirit that a better day will come. You do not know exactly when it will come but you just know. If you have hope, there is not anything that can stop you from achieving your dreams. The unremarkable becomes remarkable. The ordinary becomes extraordinary. 

For so many years, I hoped to be believed. I strived to be believed. Not that I wanted people to pity me. It's more that I hoped I would be heard. I hoped that someone would take me seriously and help me take the necessary steps to better my life. This came after not being believed by a pastor, who also thought my suicide attempt in high school was a play for attention. No comment. Now people are starting to take me seriously and believe me to the point that I am almost uncomfortable. I am safe yet I do not know what it feels like to be safe. Even more than that, I don't know what it's like to be heard, really heard.

My greatest hopes are being realized now and it is an incredible feeling. I never truly realized what "hope rises after the storm" means until now. But to me God has shed a whole new light on it in my life. I have gone through turmoil from the minute I was born until now and I am taking actions in my life to alleviate the turmoil. No life should be in constant fear. No life should be taken advantage of and blamed for things outside their control. Nobody should have to be used, mistreated or abused so for now, I am standing up for myself and rightfully so. No more sitting under the bleachers, being spat on or abused and yelled at when the home team loses. No, I am sitting on the bleachers, having fun and encouraging other people in their lives with God. No longer an outsider.

Community is what this life is about. Not all of it but in life, we need to listen to each other, not argue or fight. We need to believe each other and stand up for each other.

My hope for today is that we can all find hope, someway somehow. Hope is not a losing battle. It is a winning battle. Hope helps us to overcome our deepest fears and things we are dealt here.

October 21, 2009: Five Years Later

Dear readers, friends, and family,

Some of you I have known my whole life, some I've known for a few weeks. Some of you I have never met. But each of you has played a special role in my life.

October 21, 2009 was like any other day. I went to college classes, had a meeting and then taught a class. But when everybody least expected it, it became what should have been my last day here on earth. According to me, not God. Trust me, He made it very clear.

I'd like to say that from that day on, life became easy, but it did not. The weeks following, I was put on medications, particularly one, that I would find out almost 5 years later became the initial cause of my misdiagnosis of schizophrenia and the reason I dealt with paranoia for 5 years (unnecessarily). I have been put on over 15 medications, of which I am allergic to about 80%.

In the past 5 years, I graduated at the top of my class in college with honors, won multiple awards and was set to get paid to get a PhD in Biomedical Engineering. But the symptoms of paranoia got worse in graduate school. However, I graduated with a Masters degree.

However hard life is, it is days like this, my 5 year anniversary of what definitely should have been my last day, that we take "inventory" of the blessings of God in our lives. Whether or not you believe in God, we are all blessed in this life. I know what some of you are thinking because I have thought it myself. "How can you say I'm blessed when I have nothing left, whether materialistically, emotionally, physically, etc? I am exhausted, worn out, etc."

I have been there, not just 5 years ago, but multiple times in my life.

As I write this, there are wartorn countries, countries in Africa that are burying at least 50 people a day, and people in financial crisis and dying from hunger or cancer, etc. The list goes on because this world is filled with both good and evil. But I will share something that has kept me going.

HOPE.

After my "fall" of 30-40 feet in 2009, I took a medical leave and went home. I found a group that helped me a lot and one of the women in the group gave me a necklace with a ring on it that said "HOPE" 3 times. The day I received it, I put it on and didn't take it off unless I was hospitalized. I have been hospitalized 8 times in the past 5 years. However, one of the hospital nurses last year took my hospital bracelet off (on which the ring was taped) and it was lost forever. At the time, I was catatonic due to the meds and could not talk. I couldn't tell her that the ring was on the bracelet she just cut off.

Oh well. Just because we lose a material thing(s) that means a lot to us does not mean we lose hope. Yes, the ring reminded me constantly of hope, but now it is so engrained in my mind and heart that I do not need a necklace.

Hope is what keeps me waking up every morning, no matter how difficult I think "tomorrow" will be. Faith is trusting that God will carry me through whatever is placed in front of me. Because I look at all He has carried me through and I say "Wow" in a deep, meaningful, humble way.

I woke up on the ground that night in 2009 and remember all the details. I remember being told that I fractured several vertebrae. I remember them asking me if I could feel my feet or any tingling anywhere in my legs. Vertebrae surround the spinal cord and my vertebrae in my thoracic and lumbar regions were basically shattered, and yet somehow, the shattering did nothing to my spinal cord. I saw the scans of my back and still have that image forever engrained in my mind.

That night will always be in my memory. In a way I am thankful for those memories, because as I train for my first Half Marathon next Spring, I don't take running for granted. I don't take walking for granted. And most importantly, I do not take life for granted. I feel blessed beyond belief. While I may not always be "happy" when I still deal with bipolar and severe PTSD, I do honestly feel content. Yeah, things are tough. But that's life. Contentedness comes not from everything being perfect (because it won't be here on earth), but from our attitudes towards life, God, our circumstances, etc. I may not always find joy in every moment of life, but when I do, I relish in it.

Because I should have died 5 years ago.

How do I know? The EMTs told my mom that I hit a tree and it saved my life.

How do I know that God cares deeply about me (and you)? Because He preserved my ability to run. Running has been so critical in my recovery from mental illness. It helps me feel free, strong, and reminds me of how capable I am of moving forward. I feel God when I run. It also is a physical representation of truly getting back up from a fall.

This life is a journey, with its ups and downs. But always, always, always hold on to hope and joy. Do not let the dark valleys and pits overtake you. For God is there with you, helping you up the ladder or motivating you to get "unstuck."

May the God of love, who is love, bring you all through whatever you are going through today, tomorrow and the days, months, and years to come. May we all remember to hold onto hope.

Sincerely,
Chelsea

Spreading Love and Hope

"You have gone through more than anyone I have ever met."
"I have never heard of someone going through so much as you have."
The list goes on of similar things I have heard from people all throughout my life.

I am not out for pity. I am not quite sure if I am even out for empathy, but definitely not sympathy.

Yes, I have been through a lot in my 25 years. But more than that, I have been blessed 10 fold. It may not seem that way but nearly 5 years ago, I nearly took my last breath. The doctors said I hit a tree, which broke my fall. My back was broken and several of my vertebrae were shattered. They took multiple MRI scans to make sure I did not require surgery. I walked two days later, once they created my body cast that I would wear for the next 3 months. I was not supposed to walk or ever run again. And I will repeat, I was not even supposed to be alive.

But I am...

Getting up from that fall was difficult, but it was somewhat of a turning point in my life. I walked at my college graduation, with a GPA of 3.736, one of the highest, Magna Cum Laude in the Honors Program. I received numerous awards. I had a full ride, full salary position to get my PhD, straight from my Bachelors, which is somewhat unheard of.

But things in this life are not perfect. I received my Masters last December and am currently not working due to mental health issues. But that is absolutely no reason to pity me. Some days are hard, some days are easier. But who of us cannot say that about their own lives? So why would you pity me?

Instead I want to spread hope, hence the title of this blog, which I chose over a year ago. Hope is what carries us through whatever we are going through, whether it be a breakup, a hospitalization, a difficult professor, or even the loss of a loved one. To me, there are not levels of pain. We all experience pain and to compare is to try to minimize our own situation instead of allowing ourselves to feel what we need to feel and express what we need to express.

I understand that some people say "well, at least I'm not as bad off as them." "Them" may be people living in third world countries or wartorn countries. Whoever "them" is to you (if you do this), let me ask you a question. What are you grateful for? What brings you hope? And now an even deeper question which I have pondered many times... Instead of sitting around wondering about the people around the world who are "worse off" than you, what can you do for them? (And trust me, you can).

With the internet growing at nearly impossible speeds, we have access to change the world for the better, instead of getting stuck in our own little worlds (which I have done myself- I know the term "pity party"). Our society (primarily Western culture) is absorbed with immediate answers and pleasures (a.k.a. me, me, me all the time!).

And what I'm saying about changing the world does not even have to be limited to third world countries. Saying a kind word to a stranger or even a loved one can lift their spirits. Opening a non-automatic door for a woman pushing a stroller may make her day and make her feel cared for, even only for an instant. Calling an elderly woman or visiting a nursing home can help people feel loved and cared for.

I used to volunteer on a prayer line. I was so terrified my first time someone called me (in the comfort of my own home, no less). But I had prayed for the Holy Spirit to speak through me for 10 minutes prior. People cried and said what I prayed was beautiful but it was not me.

No matter what religion or non-religion you believe/non-believe, we are in this world to not just tolerate each other but to love each other. That is what all of the most well-known prophets throughout our history have taught. Love.

So what is my main point for this post? I started off with my own story of struggle to success (me, me, me) and then I expanded the idea that all of us go through times of struggle (none larger than the rest mentality) and ended with how we can be grateful for our lives and spread hope throughout every corner of this world. If you've turned on the news in the past few weeks, you know we need to do this more than ever.

Flame of Hope

Hi y'all! Yes, I still have somewhat of a "Southern drawl"  even after being back in the Northeast for 10 months after only being in the South for a year and a half. Or maybe I just like saying "y'all" instead of saying "you", which in the English language means both singular and plural. Well that is enough English lessons for today.

 

How have y'all been? Thanks to all of those who have reached out to me in the past few months that this blog has stayed dormant. My sincere apologies, but I have not been in a state to share what has happened and I still may not be but that is not what this post is about. This post is about more than that, something deeper.

 

I will quickly explain, though, what has happened over the last few months and years. The brief explanation is that I was put on medications that caused me to have every single possible symptom of schizophrenia. I was put on medication after medication since October 2009 and never seemed to get better. In fact, it got to the point that I could not even leave my house. I would sit on a chair in my room and stare into space for hours, only to look at the clock and realize it was time to go to bed. I was too scared to go outside. I hallucinated cop cars and I thought I heard people when there was nobody even close to me. I heard noises in my head like sirens. I remember all of it. And these are just the past few months. I dealt with extreme paraoia in graduate school, to the point that I almost did not graduate but I did.

 

So where am I at now? Am I angry? Absolutely. Is it bad to be angry if you are a Christian, as I am? No. Everybody pictures the scene when Jesus got angry at the temple. It is human to be angry. But it goes deeper than that. I feel that there is a deeper meaning to why I dealt with schizophrenia when I did not even have it. I understand what it is like to have it because I experienced it. I lived it. It's not just a term in my psychology textbook. It has given me an empathetic attitude towards those who are in that darkness, the terror, the voices, the hallucinations.

 

I believe the way we look at things is based on how we choose which lens we want to look through. I could spend the rest of my life being miserable, feeling angry at the endless doctors and hospitals. Or I can thank God that I "only" have to deal with bipolar and PTSD. I say "only" because I find that people minimize their situations if they hear someone else's story that they assume is worse than theirs. Whatever situation you are going through that makes you feel down, upset or is just plain difficult, you are entitled to feel those feelings and express them (positively). You are entitled to have a voice. This life ain't easy. If it was, then what would be the point? Why would people go to churches, temples, and mosques? Why would they try searching for deeper meaning, something larger than themselves?

 

Well, that is what brings me to my fingernails. Yes, change in subject but bear with me. Below is a picture of how my fingernails currently look. I painted them yesterday.

 

 

I have had a rough few weeks. More flashbacks than usual, more than in a long time. But something that has given me hope lately is that my fingernails are growing, almost signifying the growth within my soul. I have chewed my nails all my life until a few months ago. I had an idea to start to use them to express myself.

 

The anger and frustration I have been feeling lately wanted me to buy black nail color. But in the past three days, I have felt something tell me not to. Well, not exactly. A quote that has gone through my head a lot lately is "light in the darkness." So I was going to paint my nails black and then have a flame of yellow on top, to signify the light. Except ShopRite didn't carry yellow, only orange. Oh well.

 

I got home and painted my nails, as you can see above. The circles of orange did not come out exactly as I wanted them to. I was frustrated at first but I said to myself, sometimes the light is faint. Sometimes it is blurry. Sometimes it is unclear. But within each of us, there is a flame that keeps us going. Not a flame of anger. But a flame of hope.

 

Always hang on to that flame. Always hope.

Powerful God Moment

About an hour ago, I had one of the most powerful God moments in my life.

I left my friends' house to go home and it looked like it was going to rain. It started drizzling, so I thought it was fine. I kept walking and halfway around the lake, there was torrential rain. The trees were swaying as if it were a hurricane. The rain hit hard against every part of my body. The water in the lake became waves due to the powerful winds.

I took this very short video...

At this time, I had my phone playing Chris Tomlin's "Glory in the Highest." It was one of the most powerful moments in my life because I felt everything around me and I saw the glory and power and might of God. I praised God through the wind and the rain.

I kept walking and I got around a corner and all of a sudden, it was calm. It was peaceful. The sky opened up to blue sky once again. This past week, as many of you know, was one of the most tough in the past few years. I had to deal with a lot of paranoia and anxiety. I thought I might have to go into the hospital, but this whole situation of nature reminded me that if you just keep going around the corner, if you keep looking past your current situation, you will keep moving forward into the life that God has laid out for you.

Here is a photo I took a few minutes after the video was taken.

Holy God, we thank you for the moments through which you remind us of how powerful You are. Thank you for being with us through all the moments of our lives. We are in awe of your wondrous works throughout nature and our daily lives. We ask that you please bless us and help us to keep going around the corner, keep moving forward and help us to find You even in the most difficult of circumstances. Amen.

Never Give In...

I think it's been a few months since I last posted. But through that time, there have been points where I wanted to blog but didn't know what to say. I don't know when my next post will be but I had some stuff to say...

Currently I am not working because I am still mentally ill. I am sick. One of the first questions I get from people is where I work. I don't always know what to say so I just say I'm sick and not able to work. Someone I talked to the other day said "Well you don't look sick." I left it at that although I wanted to tell the person that mental illness is often invisible. When I'm paranoid or psychotic and I know it, I try not to let other people in on it. Sometimes for fear that they may make fun of me and make it worse.

Not too long ago, I celebrated my 13 month anniversary of being out of the hospital. This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks in a long time. I've been more paranoid and anxious than normal. Some personal things came up that I have to sort through. But I am very happy to have been able to stay out of the hospital. The one thing I have learned the most through being mentally ill is that you never should give up. Often I write about motivational things and I don't always know what to say to motivate others except to say that you should look at how God has carried you through the difficult times in your life.

If you're like me, you've noticed God's fingerprint even in the most difficult of circumstances. God has guided me, held my hand and been there through everything, even when I am at my sickest. When I was in the hospital last year, even in my worst paranoid thinking, I recited the Lord's Prayer. Looking back on that, I know it was God getting through to me even in the darkest times, letting me know He was there with me.

I am really excited about something that is happening in my life. My brother and I are beginning to train for a Half Marathon next year and then hopefully doing the NYC Marathon the next year. This has been a dream of mine ever since I was a little kid. There is something about running 26.2 miles that motivates the mind. There are times when running that you want to give up. You want to give in to your tired muscles. You're completely out of breath. You just want to stop but then you get a runner's high and you keep going, even through the darkest moments of the race.

And I believe that's what God wants for each of us in this thing we call life. He wants each of us to keep going, to not give up, to fight until the end, to keep going despite the bad voices...

All About Respect

Some of you reading this may know that the Paralympic Winter games are going on. But many of you probably do not. Let me explain.

Last night, my friends and I watched the games. For 3 hours, we watched sled hockey and sitting/standing biathlon. In the middle of these games, there were very brief results of a few other sports, including wheelchair curling and skiing, a sport in which I would have liked to see all of it.

In sled hockey, there were people who were missing a leg or both legs or paralyzed or other disabilities that confine the players to wheelchairs or the use of a prosthetic. But that does not matter and is beside the point. The game was USA vs. Italy and it was as action packed, if not more so, as the normal Olympic games.For the full hour of showing, my friends and I were on the edge of our seats, screaming at the TV, just like we did while watching the Olympics.

To tell you the truth, I have been excited for the Paralympic games for the past two weeks or so, since I finished watching the Olympic games. My friends and I agree that we prefer the Paralympic games.

I have to say I am thoroughly upset by the almost nonexistent coverage of the Paralympic games. There is barely anything about the games on national news. There is no coverage on the Today Show, as there was during the Olympics. There is no OlympicZone on NBC. No interviews with Paralympians, as I would love to see. The only thing shown on NBC, a main national channel, was a severely shortened version of the Opening Ceremony. I say "severely shortened" because they only showed an hour of the ceremony, missing most of it. It is almost like they are saying that disabled athletes are not important enough to be on national news. Granted, they are actually showing some of the Paralympics.

Now let me explain why this is so important to me.

Ever since I was a little child, I have known people with mental and physical disabilities. In fact, I have worked with hundreds of kids and adults with special needs. My first memory of working with someone was a blind boy who I taught how to hula hoop. I have volunteered at schools and a camp. At the camp, I helped campers do activities they never thought they could do, like mountain climbing. I have a passion for helping people with disabilities achieve their dreams.

I, myself, have an almost invisible disability. It is not as apparent as most. But that does not matter.

I believe disabled people can do anything they put their mind to, with modifications.

And disabled athletes are just as important as "normal athletes."

I also believe that this lack of national coverage is awful and discriminatory. It is like saying that people with disabilities are not as important as those without disabilities, "normal" athletes. And that is wrong.

No wonder we have so much discrimination. No wonder people with disabilities are not treated correctly. No wonder there are people who park in disabled parking spots who are not disabled. No wonder people with disabilities are stared at or laughed at.

The respect is not there.

And one other thing. Most of the people in the Paralympics are veterans. These people put their lives on the line for our country and most of them lost a limb or multiple limbs while fighting. Veterans and nonveterans alike have overcome incredible odds to be in the Paralympics. The least we can do is pay attention and watch the games.

It is all about respect.

The Paralymipcs are mainly covered on the NBCSN channel, so if you receive this channel, take some time and watch.

To Share or Not to Share

"In a pioneering study, psychologist and University of Texas professor James Pennebaker and his colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors- specifically rape and incest survivors- kept their experiences secret. The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event. Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor's visits decreased and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones."
-Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Wow. Does any of this surprise you?

Many people wonder why I am so vocal about the abuse I survived as a child. Some say that I should not share what I've been through. But this research shows that people who have been abused should share what they've been through.

It is healthy to share...

Sometimes it's scary to share your story but it is a huge relief when others understand what you've been through or they can relate. It's a huge relief when people take the time to understand and listen. It helps a ton actually. Knowing that you're not alone in the fight makes the fight all the more worth it.

Nostalgia

"We are often comparing our lives, our marriages, our families, and our communities to unattainable, media-driven visions of perfection, or we're holding up our reality against our own fictional account of how great someone else has it. Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: 'Remember when...? Those were the days...'"
-Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Hey guys! It's been quite a few days since I posted a blog. I apologize. It's because I honestly ran out of things to say. I didn't want to repeat myself and I kind of hit what they call a writer's block.

I just started reading Brene's book and I can NOT put it down. She makes so many great points about vulnerability. It is a very well-written book.

I chose this quote because for me, lately, nostalgia is hitting me hard. I am dealing with severe weight gain because of my medications, one in particular, Zyprexa. It is known to make people always hungry. I often think of a year ago, when I was down to 105 pounds and I miss that time. I miss being light as a feather in some ways. I was able to run 6 minute miles. I was able to run up stairs. I never got out of breath. I could run 5 miles straight in 15 minutes. I miss the freedom. I miss the wind whipping in my face.

To be truthfully honest, I miss my mania at times. But not enough to go off my meds. I just miss the photographic memory. I miss the running. I miss feeling invincible. I miss feeling like nothing can stop me.

Now I feel so... ordinary...

Anyways, I went to my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time since 2010 and updated her on the past few years. Without even saying anything, she said we would be lowering my Zyprexa, because she said I am on a very high dose. I'm hoping this will help some with my weight gain. But at the same time I don't want it to affect my paranoia/psychosis. I am scared to go down a bit. But I am also scared about the health effects of being overweight.

It feels like there is no winning.

I guess the winning is that I've been out of the hospital for 10 and a half months. That's a big step forward. No matter how much I miss my mania, it is not enough to make me go off the meds and go back to the hospital. I just want stability without weight gain and my psychiatrist told me yesterday that there are other options.

Just keep moving forward...

Unbeatable

"In a tornado, you not only have to look out for the tremendous winds, but also whatever the winds pick up and hurl in your direction. Like a tornado, alcoholism often brings along additional problems, including verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, illness, debt, prison, infidelity and even death...When facing a difficult situation, let me remember that my Higher Power speaks through other people. I don't have to face it alone."

-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 16 Devotion

I really liked today's quote because it reminded me of something I watched last night, the Syracuse basketball game against NC State.

The game was way too close for comfort and Cuse was going for a record of unbeaten games, 25-0. They had a lot riding on the game and NC State definitely gave them a run for their money. The teams tied at least 12 times during the game.

Towards the end of the game, I felt my heart beat faster. The adrenaline rushed through my body. With twelve seconds in the game left, Cuse was down by 1. My friend, who I was texting back and forth throughout the game said they should go for a 3 pointer. I said no, they've been missing those too much. All they needed to win was 2 points.

And Tyler Ennis got those two points. But it wasn't over. With 6 seconds left, NC State rushed to their side of the court and tried to get a shot but missed. And the rest is history...

25-0. Unbeatable. Unreal. Amazing.

I'm kind of new to basketball. I only really started watching it lately because 1) my friend, Justin, got me into watching Cuse basketball games and 2) they are my alma mater and I am excited about how well they are doing.

The one thing that really stuck out to me is that there are some really difficult situations in basketball. Cuse was down by 5 points at one point in the game and I honestly got really nervous, but they worked together and kept their unbeatable record. This is just like how we have to work together in life to beat the seemingly impossible odds.

With Christ in our lives, we can overcome anything...We are not in this alone.

Attitude of Gratitude

"I will thank my Higher Power for whatever I experience today, even if I feel troubled or confused. I know that every experience can offer me a gift. All I have to do is be willing to look at my situation in the light of gratitude."

-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 14 Devotion

First off, Happy Valentine's Day!

Secondly, I am pretty much snowed in, with Northern NJ receiving over a foot of snow yesterday.

I don't really like being snowed in because I didn't get to see all of my friends yesterday. But regradless, I got to talk to most of them on Facebook.

The quote above reminded me of how far I have come. We may not always get to change our circumstances when we want to, but we can definitely control how we react to our situations. Attitude determines a lot. We have to get up and face each day regardless of what comes our way.

I love gratitude and being thankful for every good thing in life. Gratitude is so important in determining how we live our lives. It is so much better to be thankful for stuff than to be stuck in a pity party.

I am very thankful for where I am now. It's been over 10 months since I got out of the hospital,. Every day I am excited to wake up. I get to see my friends and I have been applying to many jobs. I have had time to relax and regroup after finishing my Masters and I am ready for whatever job comes my way.

Beautiful Friendships

"I know that I was pulled from despair by the love of strangers who quickly became friends."
-Courage to Change, Feb. 11 Devotion

I have made quite a few friends since I came home to NJ a few months ago. Every day, I go to my friend's store (she owns the store) and meet up with a few friends to eat lunch together. I run some errands for a friend. We laugh and tell stories together. Lately, I've been reading a Chicken Soup book to them. I am so grateful to them for the time we spend together. I couldn't imagine being alone now that I feel the love that they show towards me.

I also have friends who live nearby and I go to their house usually in the afternoon to watch the Olympics together. There are four of them who live in a house together. I love visiting them and watching together. We laugh together and just enjoy each other's company.

It is interesting that we used to be strangers but we definitely all quickly became friends. I even remember seeing one of my friends around the lake before I finally met them and now we are really good friends.

Needless to say, I am extremely fortunate to have the friends that I do. They make every day fun and full of joy. It is an absolute blessing to be their friend.

10 Months

Well, today marks 10 months since I left the hospital...

A lot has happened since then. I finished graduate school, I moved home, and I made some friends. I can't believe how far I've  come in a short time. I can't even believe I'm celebrating 10 months and I'm almost to a year. I feel like I am celebrating even more than my 10 month anniversary.

Thank you for your prayers, love and support through everything. I couldn't have made it this far without everyone in my life.

Every day is a new adventure and I really am excited at where I'm at right now. Almost on cloud nine. Things are going really well. I'm ecstatic to be able to watch the Olympics with my friends and we are planning to see The Lego Movie soon. I can honestly say I have the best friends in the world, including my brother.

I can say from experience that you can't let your situations define you or stop you from achieving your dreams. No matter what comes your way, keep moving forward and things will work out. God will take care of you and bless you beyond belief. No matter what, keep trusting God... He never fails.

Willing to Change

"I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 8 Devotion

I believe this is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life.

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I constantly wanted to fix things. I wanted to change other peoples' behavior.

But I quickly learned that it was up to the other people to change. They had to be willing to change, or else they wouldn't change.

It is always important to know that you can control your own behavior and attitudes. This is what makes all the difference in life. Controlling your own emotions and  behaviors is half the battle.

I can't change the behavior of my family members, but I can change my attitude towards them in order to move forward. They may not be perfect, but who is? I take it one day at a time and remind myself that I am in charge of myself, no one else. Once I realized that it is my own attitude that I am in charge of, it has made all the difference.
/

Small Steps

"Today I have a chance to make a contribution to my sense of well-being. I can take some small action that will strengthen a relationship, pursue a goal, or help me to feel better about myself... My goal is simply to move in a  positive direction, knowing that major strides often begin with very small steps."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 7 Devotion

Slow and steady wins the race. Many of you probably have heard of that quote. I believe it really does ring true in our lives.

I have really moved forward in a lot of ways these past few months. And it began with small steps, like taking my medication every day. We don't need to make big leaps forward every day, just small and steady steps forward.

I am currently working on a book and it's a huge project. I've been working on it a little at a time and I am reminded that I am getting somewhere even though it does not always feel like I am. It is the little steps that add up to a book.

I also am looking for jobs and each resume that I send out is a small step forward, hopefully leading to me getting a job, which would be a huge leap forward.

Trust me when I say that the small steps add up...

Love of God

"In a world filled with turmoil and hopelessness, we are to pray, and we are to do all we can to alleviate suffering and bring Christ's love to others."
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Feb. 6 Devotion

I know quite a few people who are suffering.

It is our duty on this earth to help others and make sure others know about the love of God. We make His love known through how we live our lives.

In every interaction we have, we have an opportunity to shine Christ's light and love in this world. We have a choice to make of whether or not we want to help others.

I think it is a privilege to be able to help others. Every day, I try to make sure I help at least one person. It's not how good I am but how good God is.

Some know that I have been close to death a few times. I often feel as if I am on borrowed time. So I make the most of every day...

Snow, Snow and More Snow

Snow, snow and more snow!....

The weatherman said we'd only get 2-3 inches these past few days and we got 9 inches. Then it started snowing again last night and is still snowing. Then we're supposed to get more snow on Sunday. I don't know what's up with this weather, but I don't remember it snowing this much as a kid. Snow days were rare when I went to school.

However annoying this snow is, it is absolutely mesmerizing at times. I had to go to the mall to deposit a check yesterday and it was like driving through a winter wonderland. The trees with the white powdery snow looked gorgeous and majestic.

It is amazing how the snow transforms the whole landscape in a few hours. It never ceases to amaze me. My friends in Florida who have never experienced snow are missing out.

I had another great day yesterday. When I was at the mall, I met a deaf person at the bus stop who asked me to call a taxi because they couldn't talk on the phone. I got the taxi for them and they were so thankful. It was such a blessing to be able to help someone.

This weather may be driving many people nuts but I'm just going to continue to read the books I have out from the library. What can I say? I love reading... 

It's just another snuggle-up-in-blankets-and-read kind of day.

On the Other Side

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!! My excitement still is not ending...

I went outside to shovel yesterday morning and I ended up bumping into the mailman. He gave me a pile of envelopes and then he said, "There's something else." He reached inside his bag and took out a big brown roll. It said "University of Florida," so I knew it was my diploma. Along with that, I got my W-2 so I can get a tax return and the refund of my security deposit from my last apartment...

So all in all, I loved the mailman yesterday. He was the bearer of good news, unlike most days where he is the bearer of bills.

My diploma is bee-yoo-tee-ful.

It is everything I worked hard for in the past year and a half...

It means a whole lot more because of the challenges that I had to overcome in order to finish. I had four hospitalizations in the last two years of college and then five hospitalizations in my year and a half of graduate school. I suffer from severe mental illness, but that has not stopped me from achieving my dreams.

I knew I had a choice to make the last time I was released from the hospital. They wanted to put me in a state hospital and I said "no way. I am finishing what I started."

And I did....

Yesterday, I kept finding myself looking at my diploma again and again, just to make sure it was real. I can't even believe that I did it. I can and I can't. It's just so awesome that God helped me get through everything and that I came out on the other side.

I <3 life.

Icing on the Cake

Yesterday lived up to my dreams, actually beyond my dreams.

I visited my brother, as planned, and he is doing much better. I had a wonderful visit with him, full of nonstop laughter, smiles and hugs. It was absolutely delightful.

Then last night, I went to my friends' house. We hung out and watched the Superbowl. Two of my friends and I were rooting for the Seattle Seahawks and two other people at the house were rooting for the Broncos (not happily, of course).

We had so much food last night I think that I will be full for a few days. Seriously. We had Chex Mix, chips, hot wings, sausage bread, pasta and sausage, sausage and spinach pie, and to top it off, Smores (my favorite). Every time I turned around I had a new plate in front of me. It got to the point that I literally could not eat anymore. It seemed like we had two courses every quarter.

I am so blessed to have these friends and that my brother is getting better. My brother told me I'm his best friend a few days ago. We are incredibly close and we talk at least once a day (most times, twice a day).

One of the things I am most excited about is the fact that none of my friends here in town drink. I was not pressured at all to drink. We had a ton of fun without drinking, just sitting and talking and watching the game. Needless to say, it was exciting that the Seahawks won by a landslide.... That was just icing on the cake (which luckily, we did not eat).

I just feel so incredibly blessed. I don't think it could honestly get any better than this...

Unreal

Ahhhhh!!!!!!! I am so excited!

This morning I am going to visit my brother, Andy. I haven't seen him in probably about a month and I could not be more ecstatic to see him. He's making some progress and I am proud of him in many ways, but there still is a road ahead.

Not only that but I am hanging out with some of my friends tonight to watch the Superbowl. These are the kind of friends where I feel so much better after visiting them. They are a pleasure to hang out with and we all are rooting for the same team- Seattle Seahawks. Not only are the Seahawks kind of an underdog (don't think they've ever won a Superbowl), but every time I turn there is something inspiring about the players. One of the players even is legally deaf.

The last bit of news is very exciting. In the first time ever in my many years of going to counseling/therapy, my therapist wants to see me only once a month. She said I am doing incredibly well. She said at first she was scared I am sitting around the house reading all day, but I told her about my adventures with my various friends in town (I have friends that I eat lunch with every day). While Rockaway is not the most exciting place to live, I have made quite a few friends here. I have a blast every day.

I am still waiting to hear about the new jobs I applied to. I've applied to about 40 jobs in NYC and around northern NJ, so I am just in the process of waiting. I have only heard from 3 jobs so far. I am not losing hope and continuing to move forward.

And you know what I figured out yesterday?! I only have 9 more days to 10 months without a hospitalization. Only 2 more months until my birthday, the day that I celebrate a year without a hospitalization. Unreal...

Life is Beautiful

"You will never live this day again; once it is gone, it is gone forever."
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Feb. 1 Devotion

Just those few words are very powerful.

We will never live today again, so we need to make the most of today as we live it.

Lately, I have been making the most of every day. I'm on my 15th book of the year and I have a stack of books from the library to read. I absolutely love reading. I am currently reading a bunch of books from a series called S.A.S.S., about girls who study abroad in different countries. I love it because there's always something about the country that intrigues me. I love going around the world without even leaving the comfort of my sofa.

I am really excited too because yesterday, I applied to about 10 more jobs. A few of them are my dream job, working in a lab doing cancer research. I am ecstatic because I met all of the criteria for all the jobs I applied to so I am just in the waiting mode now.

Everything is working out beautifully and I am ecstatic to see what happens.

Life truly is beautiful...

Blessings in Hard Times

"There is no conflict man can endure that will not produce a blessing."
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

I completely agree with Don Miller when he says that conflicts in our lives can bring blessings. Even the most difficult times in my life have brought blessing.

Sometimes going through tough times makes us more aware of the beauty in our lives, the good times that may have gone unnoticed had we not gone through difficulties.

When my oldest brother died, I went to my high school and gave speeches about not doing drugs or drinking. Through his death, I was able to tell my story and his story at my school, something I never thought about until after he died. I hope that I made a difference in at least one person's life.

When I was homeless, I ended up volunteering at a camp for kids and adults with special needs. It was one of the most blessed times in my life, even in such hardship.

As you go through life, remember that sometimes the hardest times in our lives are actually blessings in disguise.

Living Each Day

"The experience is so slow you could easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're used to it. We all are like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given- it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral."
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

How powerful is this quote? It makes me want to enjoy life even more than I am already.

I went to a Book Club last night at my library. I did not know who would be there but I ended up knowing someone. I had an absolute blast and it reminded me that it's the small things in life that we need to enjoy, the precious gifts we have from God. Last night was full of laughter to the point of crying as we discussed the book. To say it was full of fun is an understatement.

I agree that life is so slow sometimes that we forget to appreciate the beauty of what God has given us. We think it's just another day. But we need to be reminded that every day is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God.

I've come close to death a few times in my life so I always try to make the most of every day. You never know when your last day will be here so you must enjoy life as it comes, no matter how difficult.

Live each day as if it is your last...

The Waves Raging

"When God is the center of a soul, although disasters may crowd in on all sides and roar like the waves of the sea, there is a constant calm within."
-L. B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Jan. 29 Devotion

Have you ever felt like the waves are raging in your life, that things are crazy and unmanageable?

I have.

But it is in those moments that I remember that God is here for me and that nothing can take His love away from me. No matter what happens.

I have come a long way in the last year, thanks to God. There were many moments (and still are) when I am paranoid and psychotic; my mind is twisted in all directions, but I still hold on to the truth that an be found in God. He will never leave me nor forsake me, even when the waves are raging. Especially when they are raging.

It is only through God that I find calm and peace within the storms.

1000 Miles

 Yesterday, I achieved my ongoing goal of reaching 1000 miles of walking/running. Anybody who knows me knows that I have been walking with an app called Charity Miles, in which they donate 25 cents for each mile walked or run to about 20 different charities.

I have raised over $250 for some of the charities. In total, I have raised money to feed hundreds of people around the world, along with raising money for research for various diseases. Some of my favorite charities donate eyeglasses and shoes to children in need. I have walked for Habitat for Humanity and the Special Olympics as well.

There are no words to describe how much it means to me to be blessed enough to be able to walk and run for charities anywhere I want, all the time. It doesn't take much to walk a few miles and through doing that, I am able to bless many people.

If I can make a small difference in the lives of others, my life has been meaningful.

I started walking with Charity Miles after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. I wanted something that would help me deal with the disorders. It started out as a coping mechanism, but as I realized how much walking helped others too, I made the goal to walk 1000 miles. I believe that walking has helped me to maintain my mental health enough to be 9 and a half months out of the hospital.

For now, my next goal is 2500 miles, which may take a few years. But I will achieve it. 

How Long Oh Lord

"Facing the past as it may surface in my life today doesn't mean I have to stay stuck in it... Coming to terms with my history and letting go of it does not deny what happened. Instead, it allows me to enjoy today and to move into the future, encumbered by the weight of ancient emotions."
-Hope for Today, Jan. 27 Devotion

"If we say to ourselves, 'How long, oh Lord, how long!' we are wallowing in self-pity. We have at our command the means of climbing out of the pit we are in if we will but use them."
-One Day at a Time, Jan. 27 Devotion

As most Americans did last night, I watched the Grammys (or at least the first hour and a half). I just watched Macklemore's performance of "Same Love," which included 33 couples being married, some gay, some straight, some interracial. To say it was powerful is kind of an understatement. And I began to think about how our world as a whole is moving forward.

I personally am excited about Macklemore's performance. It means that our society is moving forward.

We learn from the past but it's just that- the past. And we move forward, not by feeling bad for ourselves (self-pity) but by choosing to move forward through using what we have around us to help us. We always have the ability to move forward into what God has planned for us.

It may not always be easy to move forward, sometimes it may be downright difficult, but we always have a decision- to stay stuck in the past or to move forward into God's plan for our lives.

The Steps

"Everything about my recovery- my perceptions, attitudes, and choices- begins and ends with me."
-Hope for Today (Alanon), Jan. 26 Devotion

"I'd read the Twelfth Step many times before I saw it. But there it was: 'Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...' What a promise! If I worked these steps, I'd have a spiritual awakening!... Those wonderful Twelfth Step words gave me the encouragement I needed to begin at the beginning. Slowly, sometimes painfully, I worked my way through the Steps. In time, something amazing happened. I was filled with a sense of my God and His love for me. I felt whole. I knew I'd never be the same again."
-Courage to Change (Alanon), Jan. 26 Devotion

What are your perceptions of A.A. and Alanon? To many who have no idea what it is, they picture people sitting in a circle saying "Hi, my name is ...... and I'm an alcoholic." After all, that's the way movies and the media portray it. They don't usually show the whole meaning of the group.

As I said a few days ago, I've been to both Alanon and AA meetings, although I've never touched alcohol. To tell you the truth, I was bothered by the steps. I don't fully know why. However, I think I just got tired of hearing them at the beginning of the meetings. I often drifted off into space...

Until now.

Reading the Alanon books every morning has given me a new take on AA and Alanon. It is not just about the steps. Like the person who wrote today's devotion, I want a spiritual awakening through the steps. I have had a strong relationship with God my whole life but I want to heal from the hurt and damage that has been done due to alcoholism in my family. And I believe the steps may be able to help.

I have begun to look at them in a new light and I see how they can offer me a way to move forward in a new way.

The Road to Healing

"We don't get to choose where we came from, but we can choose where we go from there."
-Perks of Being a Wallflower

Today is January 25, 2014.

On January 25, 2007, my life changed forever when my oldest brother committed suicide. I cannot believe it's been 7 years...

To say it's been difficult to lose a sibling is an understatement, especially at such a young age- 25 years old. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday.

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday, without knowing much of what it was about. I had seen a trailer for it and it looked like a fun movie. It meant a lot more to me than I ever thought it would. Without giving too much away for those who haven't seen it, the main character has flashbacks to when he was a little boy and something really bad happened. At the end of the movie, he comes to terms with his past through the help of a doctor in a hospital.

It meant a lot to me, because I related to him in so many ways. It took a lot for him to move forward, as it has for me.

The quote above reminded me that we can always heal from difficult times.

In life, we will undoubtedly face difficulties. We will lose loved ones. We will have pasts that may be difficult. But we always have the choice to move forward, not forgetting what has happened but moving forward with the help of God...

God at the Forefront

This morning, I am very excited. i honestly can barely keep it in. I got my first call back from an employer that I applied to (a job I really want!) but we kind of played phone tag and I am waiting to get a call back this morning to hear if I got an interview.

I also called NYU yesterday to see if they got my application. They said they were still collecting resumes and it would be a few weeks.

Not only that, but my book that I am working on is 255 pages and I'm a little more than halfway done. After I finish working on it, I am going to edit it to get it to less than 300 pages (a tip that I got from a fellow writer). Once I am done, I am going to send it to publishers (or get an agent). This is a dream of mine that I have waited to have time to work on for a few years and now it's happening!

My life these days is going better than I could have ever asked for. I am ecstatic about everything that is going on and that great things are happening. It's been a little over a month since I left Florida and I am making great strides to continue to move forward.

And best of all, my paranoia is finally gone... I cannot believe the tremendous progress that I am making.

And I could not have done it without God being at the forefront.              

Newfound Respect

"First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help. After taking these two steps, it becomes possible, desirable and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power's care."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 23 Devotion

Let me be real for a second.... I have heard about AA and Alanon for the great majority of my life. I went to a couple meetings of each, although I am not an alcoholic and have never even drank a sip of alcohol. But I never understood the first step (Admit that your life is unmanageable).

I never understood it until this morning when I read it. Why? Because I've been stubborn. I am the type of person who thinks I have control of things. One thing that also frustrated me was that why would I say my life is unmanageable because of alcohol when I have never even touched it? In some ways I felt I didn't belong. 

I don't want to admit that I may not have control of things. As a child growing up in an abusive and alcoholic home, I always wanted to fix things in my family. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted things to be better.

But what I didn't understand until now is that the first step and the second step work together. Instead of relying on ourselves to make things better, we are supposed to trust God to help us move forward through the unmanageable lifestyles we lead. And I think that this applies to anyone, not just alcoholics or family and friends of alcoholics.

Needless to say, I have a newfound respect for AA and Alanon. I honestly used to be frustrated when I sat in a meeting and they read the steps. Why couldn't I control my life? Why couldn't I make things better? Why do I have to admit that my life is unmanageable?

But now I know the deeper meaning in the steps. And I have to get rid of my stubborness...

Prayer in the Rough and Good Times

"If the problems I have to face seem beyond my endurance, I will not explain them to God; He already knows. I will not tell Him what I expect Him to do about my difficulties; He knows what is best for me. When I am faced with something which it is beyond my power to perform, to decide, or to cope with, I will not struggle with it by myself. I will ask Him to show me what steps to take."

-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Jan. 22 Devotion

This passage from the devotion really made me think about prayer and how we should pray to God. It made some points that God already knows what's best for us and we don't need to pray for certain things, just guidance.

To me, prayer is an ongoing conversation with God, through nature, through every part of my life, through the sunsets and the sunrises. He communicates with me in  nearly every aspect of my life.

I used to be a prayer minister for a prayer hotline until my mental illness got so bad. I loved being able to pray for others. There was an old man who used to call every Sunday morning. He used to tell me what he was going through at the time and also different parts of his life. I was thinking about this man yesterday when I was reminded of the prayer line.

I used to wait for him to call, because he was such a joyful man despite his difficulties. I think he just wanted someone to talk to honestly. It was such a joy to listen to him talk about his life. And over the times that I talked to him, I grew to know him. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I miss talking with him. I loved hearing about how God was working in his life, even through small things.

I believe that prayer brings us closer not only to God, but it has the power to bring us closer to others, especially those who we pray for. It's not only about praying for the negative stuff in our lives but also rejoicing in the beautiful and wonderful things that God is doing in our lives...