I woke up twice last night and I've been up since 5:30 AM. Among the things that I thought about this morning I looked up how many medications I have taken over the past 10 years. I realize that I've been on 20 psychiatric medications among other medications. I've racked up 12 hospitalizations in the past 10 years as well. I've been in four outpatient programs for mental health. And it gets frustrating after a while. It seems like things aren't working.
This weekend I talked to my doctor because the medications weren't working well. I was pacing, had high paranoia and anxiety. But that didn't stop me. Nothing can stop me when I am motivated to become a better person and a mentally well person. Even in the amount of time that I've taken out to become well, even though it's frustrating that it took longer than usual, I am glad that I have made it this far. I am glad God has saved my life literally on numerous occasions. I'm glad that I made it this far even with all of the challenges that have come my way. It's not easy but it's doable. This life is truly livable no matter what the circumstances.
Ever heard that saying "gotta go when you gotta go." Well that's how I think of it in terms of my mental health. When I need to go to the hospital it's not a bad thing necessarily. It doesn't even have to be a setback. I was recently in the hospital for 3 weeks and I can honestly say it was a huge leap forward for me. It just means I need extra help but it's not a weakness. It means that I need to go somewhere safe and where people can help me 24 seven.
My main point for writing this blog post is that sometimes we give up too easily. Sometimes we don't give the day a chance. Sometimes we just sit or lay down all day wondering what we can do when we really know what we can do. We just don't want to. We choose not to. I could've given up on the second hospitalization. I could've wondered why I was still in there, why I had this illness that I have but I feel like one of the luckiest people on earth because it's not about what life you're given; it's the life that you make. It's about making the most out of the life you've been given the matter what comes your way.
So what do you do when you try at first and you don't succeed? You try try again. You keep going no matter what comes your way. You keep striving for the best even when it's the most difficult times in your life. You keep fighting for what's right and what's real. In my case you keep taking the medications even when they're not working because you know that you will find the right amount of medications that you should be on. Its about not giving up. All of life is about not giving up. It's about fighting, fighting for a better day.
So in conclusion I would like you to meditate on what I have said about not giving up and trying and trying and trying more and more and more even when things get frustrating because this life is much more than just the heartaches. My message to you today to those people on Facebook who don't know that I'm still writing my blog because I deactivated my Facebook a month ago ( yes I fell off the face of the planet) and those around the world reading my blog I like to say: never give up.
Peace and love.
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