Tomorrow marks 7 months without a hospitalization. I can't believe how far I've come. I still have far to go but I am on the right path.
I think the most exciting thing to me right now is that my paranoia and psychosis have been gone for about a week. Just gone. Left my mind. Sayonara. Au revoir. Ciao. Adios.
I can't pinpoint a day that they stopped, because it took a bit of time for me to realize they were gone. All of a sudden, I was like "why is my mind so quiet?"
My mind has been quiet for the last week or so. No hallucinations or paranoia. It feels so different. I didn't even realize how rampant the hallucinations were in my mind until they were gone for a few days. For the past few months, I have had hallucinations and paranoia every day. You tend to get used to it. And you tend to blur reality and unreality. You start to believe the unreal is real.
If you've ever seen "A Beautiful Mind," it's a lot like that.
When I was having the hallucinations, I thought they were real. But now that they've been gone, I have started to realize that it wasn't happening. To think I spent the last few months "in an unreal world" is interesting to me. I want to celebrate the fact that I am almost done with my last semester of graduate school (for awhile) even despite being schizophrenic, even despite dealing with hallucinations and paranoia on a daily basis. I think that's something to celebrate.
It feels like my mind has been quieted. Silenced. The voices gone. The visual hallucinations gone. I am in reality again. My confusion has turned into relief. My paranoia has turned into peace.
A quiet mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment