Helping Us

I am almost done with the semester. I only have three more exams. Since Wednesday, I have studied pretty much nonstop for my exams, two of which are next Wednesday. The third final is on December 12th, two days before graduation.

In preparing for finals, I've been thinking about the saying, "God helps those who help themselves." I depend on God to help me through the exams, but don't I have to study?

I have heard this saying quite often and people have different opinions about it.

Does God help the homeless, who can't always help themselves?
Does God help the mentally ill, who are not always capable of helping themselves?

Does God help them?

I believe deeply that God helps everyone. And His healing touch looks different for each of us. What may look like healing to you may not be healing to me.

What do you think?

Moving To Greater

"God, whatever the greater life you are calling me into might look like, I'm in. Whether it's a big thing or a small thing You call me to do, I believe it will be a greater thing, because You're the One who is calling and You are greater than all things. Whether the greater life means leaving something behind or becoming more passionate about where I am, I've decided to follow You."
-Steven Furtick, Greater

I read this book last semester when I was going through my obstacles and I came across this prayer this morning.

I was thinking about my move to New Jersey in a couple weeks and I thought that this really is my prayer during that move. I am trusting God that moving is the right thing and that He will do greater things in my life. I am trusting that I will be able to find a job and do great things with my Masters degree. For those who don't know, I am planning on looking for jobs in NYC or the surrounding areas.

But no matter what challenges are coming my way, the most important thing is that I am following God and that He has a very important place in my life. He is the most important being in my life and apart from Him, I am nothing.

God is my everything, my Comforter, my Healer...

As I look back on my time in Florida, I see how God has helped me, healed me, transformed me, renewed me, comforted me and restored me. I had a lot of trouble in Florida due to my mental illnesses, but I am headed in the right direction.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is what I woke up to...

Yes, that's frost on my window....

In Florida...

And then I checked the weather online...

Um

..........

I guess I'm not thankful for the weather today. Except that I keep reminding myself that in a few weeks, I'm moving back to New Jersey and the frigid cold.

So I might want to get used to it again...

So anyways, what am I thankful for today?

Hmmm...

I am thankful for my family.

My uncle Frank, my aunt Joyce, me and my mom

Me and my brother Andy, nearly a year ago

I am thankful that I survived a fall of about 30 to 40 feet a few years ago. I am so grateful to still be alive and able to make a difference in the lives of many.

Me in the hospital after my fall.

I am thankful for Lake Alice and that it has helped me to heal and find God throughout my challenges during my time in Florida.

Lake Alice

I am thankful for the opportunity to get my Masters in Biomedical Engineering, so I can help others and make a difference in the lives of many.

Me working on cancer research in 2009

Most of all, I am thankful to God for making a difference in my life, healing me, restoring me, giving me new chances, and bringing me through difficult times. I am thankful for another day in my life.

The Right Diagnosis

Ughhh.... I just woke up from a nightmare in which I was very paranoid. I haven't been very paranoid in awhile so dreaming about it was not cool. I dreamt that people were talking behind my back, right in front of me. When I woke up, I literally was relieved.

I think I may know why I was paranoid in my dream. Yesterday, I went to my psychiatrist and they called into question my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. The doctor thinks I may have a serious case of bipolar I disorder, with psychosis. Since the doctor said that, I have been thinking about my paranoia. I think I may have bipolar I but the only thing that confuses me is this: People with bipolar I only have psychosis when manic and I haven't been manic for a long time and yet, I have been paranoid and psychotic at times. To me, that would suggest possible schizophrenia.

Either way, I am on my meds and that's not going to change since I function on them. A few people have said diagnoses are labels and that they don't define me. The most important thing is that I am responding to treatment and that's what matters.

I think I have a difficult time being diagnosed with something and just taking it for what it is sometimes. I want the diagnosis to be right. I want to have the correct diagnosis because it tends to give me comfort to know what I'm dealing with. For some odd reason, I don't like blindly just treating the symptoms.

I guess part of this has to do with community. Whenever I am given a diagnosis, I try to find people with the diagnosis and I feel better knowing others who are dealing with the disorders. I feel at home with people who share the same symptoms as I do.

The main reason I went off the meds two summers ago was that I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and was told that I didn't need to take my meds anymore. And that's what caused this whole mayhem. You see, if the diagnosis is wrong, it messes up a lot of things.

I want to know what I'm dealing with, even if it's just a label. It's frustrating to no end being told I have a different diagnosis every few months. I WANT TO KNOW! I feel like I deserve to know what I'm dealing with so I can continue to move in the right direction.

Be Strong and Stand Firm

I dropped my iPhone last night while talking to my brother. I think I dropped it really hard because it broke. I quickly activated my old LG Android phone, which still works. I am extremely thankful for that phone because if I did not have it, I would have nothing to call my mom and brother. I talked with my mom last night, which was a huge blessing.

However, I may have lost some photos. I say "may have" because I'm going to a phone repair store today or tomorrow to see if they can fix my iPhone.

One of those photos was of something I came across at the lake that I was going to post today...

There is a place at the lake where you go through a wooded area and come out to a clearing in which there are benches. People like to write their names and stuff on the benches.

Here's a photo I found on my computer of the wooded area and the benches...

One such person wrote that this spot was their "quiet time" spot and they wrote the Bible verse "1 Corinthians 16:13." When I first read this, I was so excited because I realized I was not the only one who found the lake to be their "quiet time" with God.

Yesterday, I looked up this verse while coming across the photo with the verse on it on the way to a quiz.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong."

-1 Corinthians 16:13 (NIV)

I never met this person who wrote this verse on the bench, but as I read this verse last night, it was a great reminder for me to "be strong and courageous" as I face the last few weeks of graduate school. I am very thankful I came across it yesterday before my phone broke.

May it be a verse for you as well to remind you to stand firm and be strong.

Going Through the Storms

"He will only do as much for us as we will allow Him to do in us. The same power that saved us, washed us with His blood, filled us with the power of His Holy Spirit, and protected us through numerous temptations will work for us to meet every emergency, every crisis, every circumstance, and every adversary."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Nov. 25 Devotional

Do you believe that God can meet your needs? Do you believe that God is with you in every storm of life?

I have to admit that sometimes I feel separate from God; sometimes I feel that He's far away. But looking back on my life, I can see how He has been with me every step of the way. He has brought people into my life at the right moments. He has provided for my needs. He has continually given me the strength to keep going through every crisis, emergency and circumstance.

One of my favorite therapists has been with me through some of the worst storms. She has watched God work in my life and she told me a few times that I have been so successful because I let God work in my life. She said some people don't allow God to work in their lives. We need to allow Him to move through our lives, helping us to move forward through the storms.

I honestly cannot imagine life without my belief in God. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through the obstacles without Him by my side. He is my strength, my everything. He has helped me get this far and I am eternally grateful for that.

Used By God

"Each one of us is merely a small instrument. When you look at the inner workings of electrical things, often you see small and big wires, new and old, cheap and expensive lined up. Until the current passes through them there will be no light. The wire is you and me. The current is God.
We have the power to let the current pass through us, use us, produce the light of the world. Or we can refuse to be used and allow darkness to spread."
-Mother Theresa

I love this quote because, first and foremost, I am an engineer. I work with wires, transducers, sensors, resistors and capacitors all the time. I create devices that help people. In college, I wrote a computer code and built a device that allows someone with paralysis to move their paralyzed limbs. I also spent two and a half years designing, building, and testing a shoulder simulator that allows people to study the mechanics of the shoulder.

As I move towards graduating with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after I graduate. I want to be used by God to make a difference in the lives of others, specifically those with special needs.

I owe this all to a girl named Erica, who inspired me to become a biomedical engineer.

I met Erica when I was about 11 or 12 while my mother was working as a teacher's aid in a school for children with special needs. Erica could not speak, walk or eat by herself due to severe cerebral palsy. Yet she made a huge impact in my life. Before she passed away soon after I met her, I told her that she inspired me to help others like her. She was only on this earth for a little while, but the memory of her continues to inspire me to help others. I still can hear her laugh. She was so full of joy despite being so severely disabled. 

I will never forget asking my mom after working with her why she hit me on the back with her arm. My mom told me she was trying to hug me. Before she passed away, I helped her write a card to her mother that said "I love you," which was not an easy feat.

It is in her memory that I move forward and make a difference in the lives of many through biomedical engineering. It is in her memory that I am inspired to be used by God.

I'm Possible

"The trials of life are sent to make us, not to break us...So if God places or allows anything difficult in our lives, we can be sure that the real danger or trouble will be what we will lose if we run or rebel against it."
-Maltbie Babcock, Streams in the Desert, Nov. 23 Devotional

 How true is this quote?

I know personally that the trials of this life can be blessings. I have shared in the past about how being homeless was actually a blessing in a way to me. I have shared how God spoke to me and helped me through last semester when I dealt with mania, depression, psychosis and paranoia.

I think we find our strength in the trials through our relationship with God. Or at least I do.

Despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD every day, I am set to graduate with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering on Dec. 14th. I want to graduate for all those who were told they couldn't do something or they thought their trials in life were so difficult that they couldn't go on.

My motto is Never Give Up.

I am actually graduating early. I took 13 credits this semester to finish, which is an overload of credits for graduate school. It has been a rough semester, as I've struggled with paranoia and psychosis and my classes were very academically challenging, but I am doing it.

I have 3 exams, a homework assignment and a quiz left.

I know personally that God turns the impossible into I'm possible.

Finding God

"Affliction can deepen our knowledge of God, bringing us into greater intimacy with God."

-Barry Black, The Blessing of Adversity

I read this quote and again, I was thinking about last semester.

Most of the semester, I thought everyone was after me. I heard voices say I was an awful person. When I was on the bus, I thought people were talking about me. I thought people thought I was lying about the abuse I endured as a child.

But through it all- through all the trials- I found God and He helped me through the storm.

For those who don't know, I found God at Lake Alice, a lake on campus. The first time I walked by it on the way to therapy, I knew it would become my new home. I found God in the birds, the trees, the sunrises, the sunsets, the butterflies, and the gators. I went to the lake nearly every day last semester. At the lake, I found peace in the situations I was going through. It is no overstatement to say that the lake quite possibly saved my life.

I surely am going to miss Lake Alice when I move home to New Jersey. I have very fond memories of Lake Alice, even in my toughest moments last semester. I spent many hours sitting reading and just listening to God. Throughout my toughest times, I found God.

Blessings in Disguise

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
-Oscar Wilde

I came across this quote this morning and I was thinking about last semester. Last semester was full of trials for me. I was paranoid and psychotic for most of the semester. I felt that nobody understood me and that nothing would get better.

But things have gotten better...

The medications I take daily have helped me become stable enough to go to school, finish and graduate. I have made it almost the entire semester without being hospitalized. I am ready to move home and look for a job. I have made friends here in Florida that I am going to miss a lot.

It's been quite a journey...

But I'm coming out on the other end and moving forward with my life. And in some ways, I do consider my mental illness as a blessing in disguise. It has opened my eyes to the struggles of other people. It has been challenging but it has made me stronger. It has made me more aware of myself. I think that in some ways it's opened the eyes of those around me to the challenges of having mental illness. It's given me a chance to blog about my obstacles.

Whatever challenges you are going through today, count your blessings.

In Need of Food

Last night, I went to an Oxfam banquet at my church. This week is Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week.

I can tell you that the event last night really made an impact on me.

When we entered the room, we were all given a ticket that had a paragraph about someone. Some of us were low income, some were middle income and some were high income. I happened to be low income.

Once everyone had a ticket, we were taken to different places in the room for the meal. The high income were at a table that was all decorated like a table in a high end restaurant. They had a waiter as well. They were given a full meal with spaghetti, salad and a drink. The middle income were taken to a different table with rice, a fork and water. The low income were on the floor on pillows and given rice and water (without a fork).

I was actually only allowed to have half portion of rice, or half a bowl.

I remember at one point finishing eating in about 5 minutes and I looked at the people at the high income table and they were not even close to being done. I thought to myself how obvious the difference in the meals were.  While they were still eating, we were done and still hungry. The truth is that people around the world are not getting enough food to eat...

The rice was not really filling and as I looked at what the high income people were eating, it honestly made me frustrated to watch what they were eating. And then I thought about all of the people in the world who live on rice and water and that's it... They don't have a kitchen full of food to go home to. It made me realize how really lucky I am to have food.

Later in the evening, the high income people gave some of their food to the low and middle income people and it was a nice relief. I can only imagine what it's like in real life when people are given food who desperately need it. I was so thankful to the high income people for giving me some food.

This whole experience really opened my eyes to the needs of the world as a whole and made me realize that I am insanely lucky.

Here are a few facts that I jotted down during the event that I found interesting:

* 925 million people worldwide struggle with chronic hunger

*2.5 billion people worldwide live in poverty

*Almost 46 million people in the US live in poverty

If you ask me, that's too many people...

A Difficult Time

I was looking through my notebook/diary this morning and I came across this letter that I had written to myself many months ago. As I read it, I felt God's grace wash over me. I wrote it to myself during a very difficult time and now as I read it this morning, it fills me with hope and peace.

I know that you are going through a very difficult phase in your life right now. I am sorry that you have to go through this but keep trusting in God.

I know that your life is heading in a different direction than you planned and that you are coming to terms with this, but continue to hold onto the promises of God.

Sometimes when something does not work out like you planned, God has something better in store. So do not worry. Throw your worries out the window and be filled with trust. Look at how God has carried you through so many obstacles. Why would He abandon you now?

He won't.

God will be there for you every second of your life journey. He has carried you through worse situations.

I know that you are upset and are dealing with many obstacles, but God is your Comforter. He can heal you. He may not heal you physically or mentally, or in a way that you wish, ut he can heal you in ways that you can't even imagine.

God will never let you go or give up on you. Find your strength in Him. Find your courage to get through this underneath his wings. With him, you will thrive and get through this time.

Yearn for God's presence. Be still and know that He is always with you and He never abandons you. Continue to find blessings in the little things of life- in the sunsets, the birds and the butterflies.

God created them and He created you. You are His precious child.

I know this is a scary and confusing time, but know that God is there for you. He always was, is and will be.

Let God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit cleans you, refresh you and calm the raging storms within your soul. Find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know that you struggle with feelings of guilt, but know that you are forgiven by God. He has already forgiven you for the past. He wants you to be fully in the present. He wants you to forgive those you need to forgive- those who you have anger against.

Let God heal you and transform your life. Don't hold onto the past. Hold onto hope. Hold onto strength. Hold onto courage. Hold onto the outstretched arms of God, waiting to embrace you and to comfort you through this difficult time.

Nothing is Too Big

"God's grace and strength give me the determination and tenacity to keep going in spite of the pain."
-Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul

I've had a migraine for the past 3 days and I still feel it a bit, but it seems to be finally going away. As I read this quote, I thought about the fact that I am only a few weeks away from graduation. I am stressed out. Worn out. Wanting to be done. Wanting to throw in the towel.

But I'm almost there...

Just a bit left to do...

And so I keep moving forward, despite the challenges. Putting one foot in front of the other. Day by day, step by step.

I am in the home stretch.

Sometimes it's when we're close to achieving something great that everything gets hard. We are challenged the most. Everything seems to be trying to block us from our final goal. But in God, we find the strength to keep moving forward. In God, we find the courage to complete the goal.

Nothing is too big for our God...

Waiting...

"God's timing is not ours to command. If we do not start the fire with the first strike of our match, we must try again. God does hear our prayer, but He may not answer it at the precise time we have appointed in  our minds. Instead, He will reveal himself to our seeking hearts, though not necessarily when and where we may expect."
-Streams In The Desert, Nov. 17 Devotion

I think this is one of the toughest things to learn and understand. In our society, everybody wants things immediately. You answer emails on your cell phone 2 seconds after receiving them. You check your Facebook incessantly to see if there are any new notifications to be addressed. And that immediacy has transformed our relationship with God in a way.

But God doesn't always answer immediately. 

God is not on speed dial. 

Sometimes prayers are answered months or even years later. And sometimes we don't always know why, but when the prayers are answered, it makes it all the more exciting if it takes a long time. Not answering the prayers fast enough does not mean that God does not care; it means that He knows the intricate time when the prayer will best be answered.

The things that are the most worth it are the ones we have to wait for... 

Blessed

Yesterday was pretty scary for me. I'm not going to lie. I spent about 8 hours in the ER because yesterday morning, when I was waiting for a class to start, I got a bad headache (one of the worst I've ever gotten) and I lost half of my vision for about half an hour. A friend in my class told me not to go to class and so I left and went home. My vision came back, but I still had the headache all day.

I was trying to avoid going to the ER but a few people told me to go. So I went. A few of my friends stayed with me while I was in the hospital. The nurses and doctors asked me a bunch of questions and they wanted to make sure it was nothing serious like a tumor or an aneurysm. They said it sounded like that was possible so they told me I needed to get a CT scan and a spinal tap/lumbar puncture.

After waiting, everything was clear, so I was very relieved. It helped knowing that it was nothing serious. It was very scary losing some of my vision for half an hour, but I'm glad it wasn't anything serious.

I kept praying and putting it in God's hands. I woke up with a very bad headache this morning and I still have it as I'm writing this post but I know it's probably from the spinal tap.

Sometimes health problems are very scary but you need to keep trusting that God has it all in His hands and that everything will be okay. I was semi-prepared if it was anything serious, but I trusted God that everything was okay.

I feel very fortunate that it was nothing serious. One of my friends who was there for me yesterday as I was waiting for the results said that it doesn't count as a hospital visit, so I'm still at over 7 months of no hospitalizations.

He Is For Us

One of my favorite singers, Natalie Grant, posted this on Facebook last night and it was the first thing I read this morning.

"God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, Before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains...God fights for us, God -of-Angel-Armies protects us."
Psalm 46:1-3 (MSG)

I think this verse is a perfect reminder that we have nothing to fear when God is for us. No matter what happens in our lives, we can face those situations, because God is for us.

I think it's awesome too that God fights for us, no matter who we are, what we've done, where we're from... God loves us and is for us.

God loves us just as we are. And that's cool... We don't have to pretend to be someone we are not. We do not have to hide what we are going through or struggling with. God already knows and He is there to fight for us and fight with us through the storms. He loves us just as we are. He is okay knowing we are not perfect. He designed and created us with flaws and He's okay with us that way. He is for us regardless....

Relationship With God

As many of you know, I'm reading Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Mannning for one of my bible studies this semester. I came across this quote last night and wanted to share it.

"Has it crossed your mind that I am proud you accepted the gift of faith I offered you? Proud that you freely chose Me, after I had chosen you, as your friend and Lord? Proud that, with all your warts and wrinkles, you haven't given up? Proud that you believe in Me enough to try again and again? Are you aware how I appreciate you for wanting Me? I want you to know how grateful I am when you pause to smile and comfort a child who has lost her way. I am grateful for the hours you devote to learning more about Me; for the word of encouragement you passed on to your burnt-out pastor; for your visit to the shut-in...What you did to them, you did to Me. I am sad when you do not believe that I have totally forgiven you or you feel uncomfortable approaching Me."
-Brennan Manning, Ragamuffin Gospel

I think that this quote kind of sums up what it means to be in a relationship with God.

I like how Brennan adds the part about what we do towards others, we do towards God. This week is Homelessness and Hunger Awareness Week at my church. Last night, at worship, they talked about some of the struggles of being homeless or hungry. All week, my church is doing things to reach out to those who are suffering.

God being proud of us is something I have heard a lot about as well. I've heard about God being our parent and being happy and proud of us. The quote above really put this into perspective for me.

Forgiveness and Peace

Something odd just happened...

Really odd....

I woke up from a dream with somebody in it that I have been harboring some anger against for many years. They hurt me very badly as a teenager and in this dream, I finally came to peace with them.

But that's not the odd part.

I woke up and checked my email and this was in my email.

A quote from Rodney King... It did not say who sent it or where it was from.

"As far as having peace within myself, the one way I can do that is forgiving the people who have done wrong to me. It causes more stress to build up anger. Peace is more productive."

-Rodney King

Now there is a lot of truth in this. And through my dream, I feel like I came to a sense of peace about this person for the first time in my life. I woke up with no anger towards this person. Only love.

And I think the magical part of life is when our anger and bitterness is turned to love and peace within ourselves.

And whoever sent me that quote, thanks....

Foggy Conditions

It's foggy out this morning. Inside, I am feeling foggy as well.

Yesterday, a few friends of mine and I got together to work on studying for a class and for most of it, I guess you could say that we were working in foggy conditions. Confusion and frustration ran through our veins. For over four hours straight. We only were able to understand a few things. I woke up this morning with dread, because we are meeting again today and I still feel confused. Ever wake up like that- with dread? With trepidation?

I wanted to share something that I just read that actually made me feel a lot better...

"We may dwell 'with the King for his work' anywhere and everywhere. We may be called to serve Him in the most unlikely places and under the most adverse conditions...The King who placed us 'there' will come and dwell with us."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Nov. 12 devotion

It was a good reminder that God may place us in difficult situations. For me right now, it is my difficult classes. But God works through everything and anything and He dwells with us in every situation, no matter how difficult.  He is with us as we study. Sometimes God places us in the most difficult of circumstances, but through those circumstances, we grow and become more like Christ.

Passions

Yesterday, I sifted through thousands of photos I have taken over the past few months to upload to my blog. As I looked through them, my passion for photography was reawakened. Again, I saw the beauty all around me, in the sun, in the birds, in the lake...

You see, the medications I am on have stifled my creativity in a way. Most of the photos were taken when I was manic (hence, the thousands of photos). In many ways, I miss my mania. I miss that creativity. My mother and I were joking yesterday when I told her I looked at a few of my posts that I published when I was manic and they were really REALLY long.

But even despite losing a part of my creativity, I want to get back into photography. It is a huge passion of mine because through photography, I am able to capture the beauty of God's earth through capturing simple things that are majestic and beautiful. I find so much meaning when people ask me where I took my photos and I say "the lake you pass by every day" and they are surprised.

God gave us all passions. For some, it's sports. For others, it's singing. But God gave us each something to be passionate about. And to me, that's beautiful. I believe we are all called to follow our God-given passions. We are all called to celebrate our passions and our differences. Our passions are a part of who we are and how we were made in Christ.

Born to Be

Yay! I made it to 7 months without a hospitalization!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it.

My mom sent me a CD in the mail... Natalie Grant's new CD, Hurricane. I went to the park near my apartment yesterday to sit on the swings and listen to it. Each and every song on the CD spoke to me in some way. It is rare to find such a CD.

I want to share with you one song in particular that really is beyond beautiful...

The chorus goes like this:

Father heal us now
God show us how
To get back to the life that we've been missing
Jesus light the way
Teach us today
To be who we were born to be

Here's a video with the song, Born to Be.

As  I walk through this healing journey from everything that I've been through, I feel as if God is truly helping me become who I am meant to be.

May we all be who we were created to be...

A Quiet Mind

Tomorrow marks 7 months without a hospitalization. I can't believe how far I've come. I still have far to go but I am on the right path.

I think the most exciting thing to me right now is that my paranoia and psychosis have been gone for about a week. Just gone. Left my mind. Sayonara. Au revoir. Ciao. Adios.

I can't pinpoint a day that they stopped, because it took a bit of time for me to realize they were gone. All of a sudden, I was like "why is my mind so quiet?"

My mind has been quiet for the last week or so. No hallucinations or paranoia. It feels so different. I didn't even realize how rampant the hallucinations were in my mind until they were gone for a few days. For the past few months, I have had hallucinations and paranoia every day. You tend to get used to it. And you tend to blur reality and unreality. You start to believe the unreal is real.

If you've ever seen "A Beautiful Mind," it's a lot like that.

When I was having the hallucinations, I thought they were real. But now that they've been gone, I have started to realize that it wasn't happening. To think I spent the last few months "in an unreal world" is interesting to me. I want to celebrate the fact that I am almost done with my last semester of graduate school (for awhile) even despite being schizophrenic, even despite dealing with hallucinations and paranoia on a daily basis. I think that's something to celebrate.

It feels like my mind has been quieted. Silenced. The voices gone. The visual hallucinations gone. I am in reality again. My confusion has turned into relief. My paranoia has turned into peace.

A quiet mind.

Gratitude

Yesterday I came across this video and if you have the time, I would highly recommend watching it.

Like many people on Facebook, this November, I am writing things that I am thankful for every day. I can tell you from my experience that being grateful changes your perspective of the world. It reminds you how really lucky we are to live. Gratefulness opens your heart to the beauty of this world.

REALLY? smh.

Last night, one of my favorite singers posted on Facebook about something that happened to them. Natalie Grant was scammed over a year ago. A woman evidently called her saying that her daughter was dying from cancer and that she wanted to talk to Natalie. It was all a scam.

The woman evidently did this to many celebrities.

The story can be seen here: http://abcnews.go.com/US/uncovering-dying-daughter-hoax-lured-celebrities/story?id=20793858&singlePage=true

It's a lengthy read but it is worth it.

So why did this woman make up this story?

She evidently suffers from depression and was out for attention and a need for relationships with others.

This cut deep when I read the story. Not only was I angered when I read what she did to these people but it cut deep because I have had people not believe my own life story and tell me I am out for attention. Seriously... I opened up to a few people about what I endured as a child when I was younger and they did not believe me. This made me doubt myself and my memories. I still sometimes have doubts because of the reactions I got. I was actually talking to my therapist the other day about my situation and she said, "I've had people who were abused every day and nobody knew." I have had someone tell me that when I was in and out of hospitals for suicidal ideation as a teenager that I was out for attention. 

And to think that people actually make up stories like this to get attention makes me sick.

But at the same time, I empathize with the woman to a point because she has a mental illness. Mental illness makes you sometimes do things you regret, sometimes makes you do things out of the ordinary. "Crazy." But I still do not think that is an excuse for what she did.

One of the things that the celebrities said in the article that really resonated with me is that they hope this situation does not stop celebrities from reaching out to the suffering. Just because one person made up a story for attention does not mean that everyone does it. There really are suffering people out there who look up to artists and listen to their music for inspiration, me being one of them.

Adaptation

Ugh... I am SO tired. I keep waking up at 6:30am because I still haven't gotten used to Daylight Savings Time.

It's made me think about how we adapt to things in our lives. Adaptation is one of the key aspects of what it means to be human, or any animal in fact.

Many people know that one of my interests is in neuroscience and we talk a lot about adaptation in our classes. We even have talked about adaptation in a psychology class.

Adaptation is important because it helps us survive. When I was going through abuse and neglect, I had to adapt to my surroundings in order to survive. That's one of the reasons my brain has caused me to have post traumatic stress disorder. My stress level was so high in that situation that my stress level is still high, years later.

I've had to kind of learn to "unadapt." I've had to learn that teach my brain to realize that it is not in those high stress situations anymore. It's not easy and I take it day by day, but I am very thankful that I was able to adapt in order to survive.

Impossible or Possible?

"'Is anything too hard for the Lord?' No, nothing is too difficult when we believe in Him enough to go forward, doing His will and letting Him do the impossible for us."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Nov. 5 Devotion

Have you ever thought or felt like something was impossible?

I have.

The first thing that popped into my head when I was thinking about that question was the day, when I was a teenager, when we found out we were being evicted. It was the beginning of the summer before my senior year of high school. I wondered how I would make it through. I wondered where I would stay, if I would stay at my high school, when we would have enough money to live somewhere, and how long we would be homeless. Needless to say, the road ahead looked insurmountable.

But God had wonderful plans...

I talked to someone at my church and they set me up to volunteer at a camp for kids and adults with special needs for a few weeks. The camp provided me with housing and food, and yet I gained so much more than that. That summer, watching the kids and adults achieve things they never thought was possible, like climbing a rock wall, showed me that God really can do the impossible. I went there to volunteer, yet I gained more than I ever thought I would. I was encouraged to make it through homelessness.

When I was not at the camp, I couch-surfed in about six homes of friends. When it came time to go back to school, I was living with my godmother in a city far from my hometown. The officials at my high school said that if I were to stay there to finish up senior year, I would have to finish high school somewhere else. So I called a few friends from my home town and one said that I could stay at their home in order to finish at the same high school.

During my senior year of high school, while I was still homeless, I took 5 AP courses and 2 honors courses, something that seemed impossible to many. But I kept trusting God...

God has continually shown me that nothing is too big or too impossible for Him. Through Him, it is possible to get through the impossible.

Wholeness and Peace

"You must be willing to face your past in the presence of Jesus. He can heal your brokenness and bring peace to your soul. He replaces defilement with wholeness, and emptiness with peace."
-Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul

I can testify to the truth in this quote.

This past year, I have struggled to personally come to terms with my past. It is a past full of ups and downs, obstacles and triumphs. As many of you know, I have overcome abuse, homelessness, loss and neglect. Currently, I deal with multiple mental illnesses on a daily basis.

There has not been one easy year in my life. I have been challenged all the time. I am actually more used to being challenged than not. When I get an easy point in my life, it feels awkward.

Through God, I am coming to terms with my past and moving forward. He is changing my life to bring me wholeness and peace, something I don't think I could experience apart from God.

I can say from experience that God can bring us hope when we are the most hopeless. He can bring us peace when the world seems like it's caving in. He can bring us wholeness when we feel like a million shattered pieces.

Knowledge of God

I read this in a devotional this morning and it spoke to me...

"Our capacity for knowing God is enlarged when we are brought by Him into circumstances that cause us to exercise our faith. So when difficulties block our path, may we thank God that He is taking time to deal with us. and then may we lean heavily on Him.
-L. B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Nov. 3 Devotion

I can say personally that my struggles and trials that I have been through have brought me closer to God and that my capacity for knowing Him has grown through my difficulties. I think it's because in the difficult times, we have to depend on God in a whole new way. We learn more about His goodness, grace and peace.

In the difficulties, we learn more deeply the character of God. Almost the deeper the circumstances, the deeper the knowledge of God.

Long Distance Relationship

Has God ever seemed silent in your life? Have you ever felt far away from Him?

If you are like me, you have had seasons in your life when God feels more silent. Prayers seemingly go unanswered. You start to question if God really cares. He feels distant.

I currently am in a phase where God doesn't feel as close as He did earlier this year. I actually felt closer to Him last semester, when I was going through my psychosis and paranoia episodes. I had to depend on Him to survive.

When things are harder, sometimes it seems that it's easier to be close to God.

"What are we to do when God is silent? This woman tells us that we must continue worshiping, asking and believing."
-Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul

I think the biggest thing separating me from feeling God's presence is that my time is spent doing other things not related to my relationship with God, particularly schoolwork. I just came out of a crazy 2-week period with a ton of homework and exams, whereas I spent most of this summer going to the lake and spending time with God, something that I rarely have time to do now.

In the moments that we feel far away from God, we have to stop and find out what's causing the separation. We are not meant to feel far away from Him, even though I feel like it is a natural thing in this life. God is ever-present and always with us. It may just be that we are not taking time to be with Him and to listen to Him.

No matter where you are with your relationship with God, keep worshiping, asking and believing...

Side Effects

This is what the sunrise looked like this morning. I don't think the photo does the sunrise justice. It was absolutely magnificent.

It was honestly really nice to wake up to a beautiful sunrise. I have had nightmares for the past few weeks, every single night. Needless to say, my nights have not been full of peaceful rest.

As much as I love being stable, the medications I'm on have serious side effects and I may ask my psychiatrist to change them to other medications. It's scary to change medications but I think it may be time... and so does my therapist.

On the medications, I've gained about 40 pounds and had memory loss issues, among other side effects.

For example, I failed my third midterm... very badly. I studied for over 15 hours, got to the exam and literally forgot everything I had studied. I guessed on the majority of the exam. To say it was frustrating is a grave understatement. I knew the material, but could not recall anything. I'm used to memorizing everything in a couple hours and getting high A's on every exam. I have tried not to be hard on myself, especially since I can drop the grade, but I'm frustrated that my memory is not as good as it used to be. I do not feel as confident as I did.

Psychoactive medications can be frustrating with various side effects, but I will continue to move forward.