Broken Is Beautiful

This happened this morning…

At first I was upset, but then I gathered the plants and put them in a larger flower pot. I “saved” them from dying. I saw the beauty in the desperation, the strength in the weakness and the opportunity in the accident.

I could not help but stop and ruminate on the power of this metaphor. Many people have heard that broken things are sometimes more beautiful than the original thing, whatever that “thing” is. It could be a difficult situation or a time when you felt broken and so "beaten up" that you want to give up. A person dies that you were close to, you received a diagnosis for something that you did not want to deal with, someone treated you badly with no remorse, having a period of time when you were frustrated at the world, etc.

Whatever that situation is, there is always hope. When the flower pot slipped out of my hands, I was frustrated. But I saved the plants and I also saved the broken pieces of the flower pot for an art project I want to make.

Even in our roughest moments or moments in which we want to give up, there are even more beautiful moments in store for us as we keep moving forward and fighting through our worst fears. It is in moving forward that we allow good to come into our lives at the times when we most need it.

Facing Our Greatest Fears

I have to say that I love my friends. I just got off the phone with a friend after calling family and friends since around 5pm tonight when my doctor gave me some news.

Good news first: The lumps in my breasts are benign and are thought to be cysts.
Bad news second: Because my hormone level is high, I am getting an MRI scan next week to see if I have a pituitary tumor.

The friend that I got off the phone with yelled "Praise the Lord! Praise God!" when I told her about the benign lumps. When I said "but I still have to go to get an MRI to see if there is a tumor," she exclaimed "There won't be!" Sometimes I wish I could have conviction like her. I always have admired her strong faith in healing. I definitely believe in the power of prayer, but often, I don't fully trust in God. I have never fully trusted anyone in my life based on my rough childhood and my mental illness, especially paranoia.

As I waited in the waiting room in the imaging building this morning, I rested my head on my boyfriend's shoulder, as we held hands tightly, not knowing what today would bring. I wrote something on my Facebook last night "We never know what tomorrow will bring until we face our fears." Fear is such a prominent feature of my mental illness and in so many lives in general. I have learned that the only way to overcome my symptoms is to keep living and keep moving forward despite the scary stuff. It's ok to be afraid or anxious but when it stops you from moving forward, problems arise.

I recently was released from the inpatient psych unit at the local hospital and to tell you the truth, I was terrified. The hospital had become a comfort zone or a safe place for me. I thought that everyone on the outside was after me (and including most of the people treating me). I thought there were going to be helicopters with FBI agents and police cars waiting for me to get out so they could arrest me. I did not want to leave the hospital, but the night before my release, I told myself that I can't let my symptoms dictate my life. I knew I had to leave and deal with whatever came, no matter how frightening. I could either stay in the hospital and risk going to a state mental institution or I could get up the next morning and face my greatest fears.

I did not want to go the imaging place this morning and I believe that having my boyfriend there with me is one of the only reasons I went. But again, in order to move forward, I had to overcome the tidal wave of anxiety. I had to get up, get dressed and get my day started. If not, I would allow my
anxiety to rule my life.

A few days ago, I came across a new favorite song of mine called The Cure by Unspoken. It talks about the fact that we all are going through something frightening or challenging. We are all looking for ways to "cure" what we are going through but the only true "cure" is found in Jesus. He IS the cure. In the depths of my soul, I know that God can heal, at the perfect time and the truly divine moment.

May God heal you, restore you and bring you a sense of hope and peace which surpass all understanding.

Trusting God

It’s about 6 am this morning, June 17, 2017. I believe in being real and genuine as I deal with difficult circumstances during my life journey with mental illness and life in general. This is as raw as it gets. I do not always write for others but rather, I often write to process my challenges.

As many of you know, yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to my doctor to get a breast exam to see if I need a mammogram. While there, they found “thickened areas” in both breasts and I was diagnosed with “an unspecified lump in breast.” I am going next Thursday morning to get a breast ultrasound to get a better idea of what I’m dealing with and to see if there are tumors. My doctor did not want to send me for a mammogram unless I absolutely need it to avoid excess radiation. They also may do an MRI sometime soon to rule out a pituitary tumor, something that may be real and possible.

I hope it’s cysts. I pray that it is cysts. I pray it’s nodules. I pray that I do not have to worry about something more serious. But a lot of people do not know the full story.

I was recently diagnosed with a medical condition that has been found to increase the likelihood of breast cancer. One of my hormone levels was through the roof when I was in the psych inpatient unit. My level was 122 and the normal level is 20-25. My psychiatrist immediately took me off all antipsychotics except a very small dose of an antipsychotic as a PRN (as needed) medication. To tell you the truth, I do not always want to take it because it raises my hormone level, thus raising the likelihood of getting breast cancer. Do I choose sanity or do I choose a lower risk of breast cancer? Catch-22. Sometimes the PRN is not enough and I have to deal with the paranoia and psychosis with skills. I have been on antipsychotics since 2009 and they can greatly exacerbate the medical condition, meaning that my levels probably have been high for a very long time, thus, again, raising my likelihood for breast cancer.

I am so thankful for all the prayers I’ve received. I can honestly feel them. This is one of the most scary and terrifying things I have ever gone through. Yes, I am scared that it may be breast cancer. Yes, my mind is going there. Yes, I’ve cried my eyes out all day yesterday and a little this morning. Why? Because there is a chance that I may have breast cancer. There also is a chance I may have a pituitary tumor. I am scared. Many of my friends and family are scared. I almost broke down when I saw my brother nearly cry last night as I gave him an update.

One of the only things that keeps me going is that I have God in my life. Some people have said that God would not give me cancer. Even if He does, I know that He will be there with me through all of this. I also am honored to have a boyfriend who wants to go with me to all my appointments. He is the most amazing man I know and I am incredibly lucky that he chose me to be his girlfriend. He is so strong and he helped me through so much. I honestly love him to the moon and back (1,500,000 times).

I am fortunate to have friends and family all over the world who have reached out to me. Yes, this time is scary, but when you have that much support, it is a lot easier to “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” (Psalm 23). When you know that God will never abandon you, there is hope for a better day. There is hope that I can keep moving forward, no matter how terrifying and challenging circumstances can get.

Please feel free to share this because I need as many prayers I can get at this point.

Open Door

Yesterday, I received some very exciting news. Many of you have heard that I was accepted to an online MSW program a few months ago. I have been most concerned with getting enough financial aid to cover the cost of a second Master's.

Yesterday, a big door opened up when I found out that I have enough financial aid, meaning that I am set up to go to graduate school, starting in May.

This is not just about school, for me, though. I have been in treatment for my mental illnesses for awhile now. Going back to school is a huge step forward.

This is about getting up after a big fall. This is about speaking back to the paranoid thoughts. This is about proving to myself that I am not going to let my illnesses dictate what I do or what mountains are seemingly too rough to climb. This is about gaining back control of my life.

This is about perseverance, resilience and strength that God has given me and all of us.

Positivity >> Negativity

Today was the most difficult day for me in the past two and a half weeks. I woke up with some paranoia, did some meditation and my entire morning routine. I was alright for most of the day, except some high anxiety and mild paranoia.

I meditated to positive affirmations a few minutes before writing this post. I really needed to meditation and my anxiety is gone... and I mean, really gone. Not just for a few minutes or so.

As I was listening to the meditation, I thought about everything that I've been blessed with or that is going well in my life. Sometimes I get so stuck in what negative things because I am so used to bad things- abuse, mental illness symptoms, neglect, homelessness, suicidal ideation, etc. The list could go on forever. However, the list of positives greatly outweigh the negatives. If you know anything about abstract algebra, you know that there are different sizes of infinity.

Positivity >> Negativity

Today, I awoke to birds chirping. I turned my lights on- I have a lamp and overhead light, which allow me to dim the room during my morning and night routine. I have a laptop through which I can communicate with people all around the world, look for endless information, listen to music and meditations. I have a phone through which I talk to, laugh, cry with and express myself to friends and family. I have a loving family in many different areas of my life. I have food in the refrigerator. I can hear, speak, walk, run, see and eat. I have enough clothing.

May we always be reminded of how fortunate we are.

Self-Awareness Case Study

Many of you know that I am returning to a graduate school in order to receive my second Master's degree. In the last few months, I have struggled much with symptoms, namely flashbacks and paranoia. In school, I studied a few Statistics courses.

Over the last two weeks, I started my own experiment on myself, technically called a case study with oneself.

I sat down and took notes on what I wanted to change in my life. I said to myself, "Something's gotta change. I can't just stay paranoid or have flashbacks for the rest of my life. I need to rethink how I live my life."

So I basically turned my life right-side-up. I majorly changed how I fall asleep, how I wake up in the morning, completed Orientation for graduate school, started reading books again (mainly self help), took my first injection of a medication and meditated over 3 times a day.

I slowed everything down.

This is where I tell you the success or failure of my "self-awareness case study." The only thing that I could have done better is not changed everything at the same time. Any good experimenter knows that you should only make one change at a time so you can see which of the things significantly increase quality of life. I was too excited to wait so I changed everything at once.

I have to share that all of these changes I have made my life so much easier, more meaningful, exciting, peaceful and beautiful. All of my goals and hypothesis came true in this experiment. I have found that my paranoia has nearly gone away, I am more happy and calm. In fact, I am so much calmer that I have handled difficult and triggering situations, feelings and emotions and without running away or becoming too emotional. I have remained calm in situations that used to make me cry or run away. I am able to concentrate and focus even in situations that used to make me dissociation.

Life is beautiful and I think this experiment just goes to show that you have the choice to stay stuck in the negative or move forward into the positive things that God has planned for you.

For me, I am working on maintaining this experiment and using the tricks I have learned to better my life.

Just the Beginning

Have you ever heard the saying "you don't know how lucky you are until you lose something you love"? I was just thinking about that, especially today. This afternoon I was able to gain some closure over a friend's recent passing.

I talked about an hour ago with a family member who is nearly 96 years old. We haven't always agreed on everything and we've also had tough times and situations. But she said something profound. She told me "You are only at the beginning of your life and I am at the end of mine. Your life is important.... God will help you."

Those words meant and continue to mean a lot to me. I was reminded how much our lives are so intertwined and precious. I find a lot of meaning in my life, especially through getting to know others as well as helping at least one person a day.

We do not need to save the world but rather we can do little things for others that make a difference.