The Good, The Bad and the Mania

“My mania, at least in their early and mild forms, were absolutely intoxicating states that gave rise to great personal pleasure, an incomparable flow of thoughts, and a ceaseless energy that allowed the translation of new ideas into papers and projects.”

-Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind

As I read these words, I was reminded of my travels just a few months ago. Last June, my mother, I and a few other people who knew me well became suspicious that I may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. I went through neuropsychological testing with a psychologist. The results of that testing revealed that I had Asperger’s syndrome and I became undiagnosed with bipolar disorder. The test results were “counterindicative of bipolar disorder.”

So I went off my bipolar medications…

Thus entered the journey of this year…

I slowly weaned myself off of lithium, Risperdal and Prazosin. Lithium is a mood stabilizer, Risperdal an antipsychotic and Prazosin a medication used to treat nightmares and flashbacks of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I started walking a lot and then began running. So much so that I signed up for my first half Marathon. I guess then some people may have had their suspicions that I was manic. In fact, some asked, but my reply always was that the testing was counterindicative of it- I couldn’t have it. Everything seemed so good. To everyone, it looked like being off the meds was helping me. I was energetic and very lively. Often I felt like things were too good to be true. I felt so great. I was losing the weight that I gained on the medications. I quickly dropped to 105 pounds in a few months. I dove into my new job, working sometimes 10 or 11 hours a day. Nobody questioned that. But maybe they were suspicious.

But then came the bad side of mania… The psychotic and paranoid side of mania. That part of the mania that I hated with a passion. That part which I was so scared of. That part which I didn't know existed but I may have felt twitches of it earlier on in my life. When I entered that part of the mania- the unspeakable side- I had no choice but to come to terms with the fact that I had been manic and indeed, being bipolar is another part of my life.

Due to two extremely serious psychotic episodes in which I lost all function and capacity to think clearly, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and PTSD. The two of these disorders are mixed and together, become extremely serious. For those who are not familiar, schizoaffective disorder is a disorder in which one exhibits symptoms of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I often wondered if I had a form of schizophrenia- always had my suspicions. Even one of the students I tutored told me that I write like a schizophrenic- don't really know what that means. Needless to say, schizoaffective disorder is a complex disorder and I often wonder why God would allow me to have even more struggles.

But I press on…

Always…

Never, never give up and always, always move forward…

I was placed back on lithium and a new antipsychotic. I am having similar side effects to the meds I was on before, but this time, my stability is more important to me. I have no choice but to take the meds.

You see, it’s very difficult to make friends when I am in and out of hospitals. People don't know how to respond to my psychotic ideas and delusions. When I was having symptoms of bipolar disorder, people didn’t know which Chelsea they were going to meet- the happy, go-lucky, on top of the world, overly productive and enthusiastic Chelsea or the depressed, this world stinks, I want to sleep all day and crawl up in a ball Chelsea. People didn’t know if I would be in the hospital today or the next day. And so until my medications have been smoothed out, I was often avoided. In a way, I understand.

As my therapist and I discussed earlier this week, stability is very important in this life. Relationships require stability. Jobs require stability. And as I move forward, stability is key for my success on this earth.

“I cannot imagine leading a normal life without both taking lithium and having had the benefits of psychotherapy. Lithium prevents my seductive but disastrous highs, diminishes my depressions, clears out the wool and webbing from my disordered thinking, slows me down, settles me out, keeps me from ruining my career and relationships, keeps me out of a hospital and makes psychotherapy possible.”

-Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind

Though I often miss the “high” of my manic episodes, the amazing memory that I had that is now gone due to the medications, only sleeping 4 or 5 hours to be overly productive, I am happy to say that I am stable and moving forward. I have to agree with Kay Redfield Jamison that taking lithium is key to living a productive life. I have no other choice. Since I have been on it once again, I have been able to manage putting the shattered pieces of my life together- the pieces that were torn and shattered by my mania, psychosis and paranoia.

Sometimes, I feel the need to look behind me as I walk down the street, a bit paranoid that I am being followed- only a bit of my mania peeking through in my head, but when I am on the medications, I am able to function and be a productive person in society, which is key in this life. I am able to stay out of a hospital and each day I can stay out of one is a huge blessing from God.

Love in a Dark World

I just finished reading Night by Elie Wiesel. As someone who survived living in concentration camps during the Holocaust, he shared his story so that others would hear of the horror and terrible things done to the Jews.

As I read the book, it continued to make me wonder where everyone else was in the world. How could this tragedy happen? As Elie asked where God was, I myself was wondering how this could happen in this world. On a smaller scale, I went back to the abuse and neglect I survived while growing up. I had often wondered where God was. I often pleaded with God to stop the abuse. The abuse I endured continued on and off for seven years. The neglect went on for a separate three years. I often wonder why God let it continue for so long, but I am so grateful for how far I have come and that I survived my own tragedy.

One of the reasons I want to speak out about what has happened to me is so that others will find they have a voice as well. In a way, I want to be a voice for the thousands who have been silenced. So often, we are too ashamed to come forward and speak, but there is something so awesome, so empowering, so wonderful about speaking out. And it’s not only about the horrible abuse. It’s about the hope that we find by hearing others speak about how they overcame the awful and unspeakable. It's about the hope we have to offer the world as a whole.

We speak so we do not forget.

“If we forget, we are guilty, we are accomplices.” 

–Elie Wiesel, Nobel Peace Prize speech

“Having survived, I needed to give some meaning to my survival.”

–Elie Wiesel, Night

I find meaning in my survival when I have opportunities to help others. I have devoted my life to making a difference in this world and in the lives of the people around me. Lately, I have been walking a lot and raising money for various charities that feed the hungry and funds for research of AIDS, cancer and malaria. Whenever I walk, I am not only helping myself mentally, but I am helping others these charities. In a small way, I am making a difference in this world.

This morning, I had the wonderful opportunity to donate blood.

It is such a blessing to be able to donate blood because it is one of the easiest ways to save lives. With my blood type being AB+, I am a universal donor of plasma, so I went through what is called an apheresis process. As you may know, blood is made of three different components- red blood cells, plasma and platelets. The apheresis machine separates the blood into these components so that a person can donate certain parts of their blood, or they can choose to donate whole blood. I chose to donate plasma and platelets this morning.

It means more than I can say to have a chance to help others who are fighting for their lives. Each day is a struggle for me, but I cannot imagine what some of the people who will receive my donation are going through. Some may be people who have been severely burned. Some may be fighting against leukemia or another form of cancer. It matters more than I can express to be able to give back in such a small way to make a huge difference in the lives of total strangers. All I know is that I spent two short hours donating blood this morning and those were two hours well spent.

We don’t have to do anything drastic in this world. After all, you and I are only two people. But together, we can change this world. Some may call me a dreamer. But I have seen how small deeds can make a big difference. I am not trying to win a Miss America pageant. I only want to spread the message of hope and love. God has shown me love in every aspect of my life. How else can you explain that I grew up in such an unloving environment yet all I want to do is show love to others? The answer is God's love. The answer is that I have seen His light in my darkness. I have found the hope to continue living my life because of Him.

Let us not forget the horrors of yesterday, but let us walk into a more peaceful and loving tomorrow. It begins with each of us. To create a world full of love takes each and every one of us making a difference in a small way.

The greatest commandment we have been given and the greatest gift we can offer this world all comes down to one word: love.

“Greater love hath no man than this, 

that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

-John 15:13 (KJV)

Living Each Day to the Fullest

I have spent more time with God than I have in any other point in my whole life. I have experienced Him- all of Him, His love, His grace, His mercy, His peace- in a way that I have never experienced before. I know that I am transforming and becoming who He wants me to be. And in a big way, it took me giving up something that I had been holding on to for a long time- my goal to get a PhD. I'm not saying I may never get a PhD, but right now, I do not believe that is what God is calling me to do.

Lately, I've been doing some things I did as a child, like swinging. I think part of it is because I want to heal my inner child and part of it is that I want to create a new childhood. My real childhood was full of abuse. I have never told anyone this but I often refer to it as The Dark Ages. All I remember from that point in my life is darkness. Thank God I made it through those years and that I am finally healing and able to move forward. I've had points in my life when I've moved forward and healed, but I think that this time, it's on a whole new level. I feel the healing. I see the healing. I experience the healing every single day.

Lately, I've also been trying to live each day as if it were my last. Just savoring each moment as it comes. Just being still and knowing God. Experiencing God in a whole new way. Being with God from sunrise to sunset. Embracing the good and the bad. Just loving the life I have, even with all of the dark times. Loving where I am in life and rejoicing in how far I've come. Discovering things about me and the world I never knew before.

Speaking of discovery, I found a new area near the pond that I walk around- an area I never discovered until yesterday. As I walked around this area, I felt like I was walking through uncharted territory- a whole new natural oasis for me to figure out. As I walked around, I felt like a child because I didn't know what was in the area and I want to share some photos that I took of this area. I had so much fun taking these photos, even though other people probably thought I was interesting. I was actually asked the other day by a stranger if I'm taking photos for a class.

As I took the photos, I tried to capture the beauty in the little things around me. God designed this whole world for us to live in and I think that sometimes we don't always appreciate the smallest things. It's so important that as we live our lives, we don't just live with the "day in and day out" mentality, but each day, we are called to discover more about ourselves, God and the world. That is why my life has taken a very exciting turn.

And here come some baby photos of me (Lord, help us all)...

Sometimes in life we just have to laugh and have fun...

Even when we're dazed and confused...

But we need to smile and enjoy the life we have...

Seize the Moments of Today...

I hope that today is not just another day for you, but that you live it as if it is your last- that you truly savor every moment, no matter how difficult today is. Seize the day, as they say.

I want to leave you with a song that I have listened to many times. It is about living like we're dying. It's about saying "I love you" to others before it's too late. We never know when our last day will come, but what we do know is that this life is extremely precious and that we have been blessed with the life we live. God gave us this life so we need to make the most out of it.

To Find Meaning and Hope

You may or may not know that I do not have a TV. I actually have only watched probably a total of 3 or 4 hours of TV since last August. I have no idea about different TV series and I only learn about news through friends. If it's important, I hear about it. I don't miss TV and I don't really even have time to watch movies. But today, I wanted to share with you some Youtube videos that I have come across recently that have great meaning and worth.

But first, someone from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) contacted me a few days ago about my blog and they gave me some resources that may help those of you who are struggling along with me in this fight against mental illness. Please feel free to check out these resources.

They have a toolkit with various resources, including:

*fast facts about mental illness

*treatment and recovery information

*a "Voices of Recovery" page

Now for the videos...

The first video I came across a few days ago. It is an excerpt from a graduation speech and quite often, graduation speeches are some of the most inspirational speeches given anywhere, in my opinion. In this speech (without giving too much away), the speaker talks about the banality of the every day life- the "day in and day out of adult life." He says that our true education and learning lies in the choices we make and our decision to know that this life is not all about us. One of the most poignant parts of this video is when he says that maybe everyone around us is going through really difficult things as well. Sometimes it's hard to take our focus off of our own frustrations and things we're dealing with, but that is what gives our life meaning. I often try to treat others as if they're going through the worst day possible.

The second video I want to share is one that I came across that really speaks about how we view ourselves. When I go through times of depression, I am highly critical of myself and the world. It's the Negative Chelsea. The Not So Happy Chelsea. The Desperate and Alone Chelsea. I believe nobody cares about me. Nobody thinks positively about me. Everybody dislikes me. I'm unlovable.  I'm not worthy to be cared for. Nobody will ever love me just for who I am. Basically, the world is coming to an end. Or at least "my world."

But this video shows that a lot of the times, what we think about ourselves is much more critical than how others view us. What others think of us often is much greater than what we think others think of us. We are all lovable. We are all worthy of being cared for.

The last video I wanted to share is of a lovely elderly couple. The husband takes care of his elderly wife and does everything for her. It spoke to me because it is a beautiful illustration of how we are supposed to love each other in the midst of good times and the bad times. He has such an inspirational love for her that is so true and genuine. Even in the roughest of times, we need to love each other deeply and take care of each other.

I hope you enjoyed these videos as much as I have. I personally wish that more uplifting videos were shown on TV. It's videos like these that remind me of why life is so meaningful and precious- why I live day in and day out even despite all of my struggles.

I want to leave you with a picture I took this morning at the lake. I hope that you find much hope, joy, peace and love today and in the coming days.

A Walk around the Lake: Part 2

Today is the Mental Health Month Blog Day, in which bloggers everywhere are contributing posts to increase mental health awareness. This is my contribution:

Lately, I have truly been overwhelmed by the ways that God is healing me. God is renewing me, restoring me and refreshing my life in so many ways and on so many levels. Everywhere I go, it seems that God teaches me something new about me, Himself and the world. It's so overwhelming how much I am learning but I will try to post as much as I can.

A few days ago, I realized something. Something amazing. I realized that I walked by a police car without thinking they were after me. I walked by it with no thought, other than the fact that it was a police car. My mind wasn't running a mile a minute. Anxiety wasn't running high. It was just a cop car. I hope you realize how monumental this is. Many of you know that I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

For the past few months, I have been afraid that the FBI was after me. Honestly, I am amazed that I was even able to get my schoolwork done. I was afraid of every cop car. I cringed every time one went by me. At one point, I even went to the police to ask if they were after me. Paranoia can make you do wild things. Trust me. I have more stories from where that came from.

But as I walked by the police car, I felt a sense of peace and calm. I didn't realize how accustomed I had become to my paranoia. It was just something I dealt with, just like the endless flashbacks I deal with on a daily basis. I have not dealt with the paranoia just for the past few months, but for the past few years. The earliest paranoia I can remember was in my junior year of college, around the time of my attempt. Back then, I had the same paranoid thoughts that the police were after me and that I was being followed by the FBI. As I realized that the paranoia is gone, I felt such a relief. It is so freeing not to think everyone is conspiring against me.

I went to the pond yesterday and I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I went on the swings.

While I was swinging, I listened to music. As I rocked back and forth, I realized how fortunate I am. I don't know when my next "paranoid or psychotic attack" will come, but I made a promise to myself that I will live each day to the fullest. I will live each day as if it were my last. As my mind is battling constantly between mental illness and normalcy, I want to make sure that each day I embrace life as it comes. I want to have fun, instead of letting the mental illness rule me. Mental illness isn't the end of the world and I am slowly learning to live with it. It is not the end of the world. This life comes with many challenges, but we always press forward in the hope that comes from God.

I took another walk around the lake this morning so I have more photos to share. 

The first is of a tree with vines around it. Vines always remind me of the John 15:5: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (NIV)

As Christians we are called to be with God in a constant relationship. But as we all know, there are rough times in our lives when we don't feel as close to God as we do at other times. But God is still at the center of our lives, cheering us on, holding our hand and helping us through. Even when He seems distant, He is within us and around us every second, every minute, every hour, every day and every year of our lives.

The next picture shows a path being lit up by the sun while everything around it is dark. In many ways, I feel that this represents how we live on this earth. There is a lot of darkness in our world, but on the cross, Jesus showed us the path we are to take. In all of the darkness, there is a path lit up by the Light of the world. We have hope because of Him. Because of Him, we press forward into the lit path. No matter how dark life seems, there is always a path through the darkness.

The next photo shows the sun shining through a tree and the sun's reflection on the water. To me, it shows how the light of God shines through our darkest times and in turn, we are able to reflect God's grace, love, hope and peace to others. Through God, we have the power to transform the world around us. Through us, the hope of God can light up this world.

The next photo shows the blinding power of the light. It is supposed to represent how truly transformative and powerful the light of God is in our lives. His light and love have the power to overcome anything in our way. I know this on a personal level because God has carried me through unspeakable and difficult circumstances. I am here because of what God has done in my life. I want to spread His truth because I know the power that lies within it.

The last photo is of a reflection of the sun on a window. To me, this signifies the blending of the light of God into our every day lives- into our churches, into our schools, into our workplaces. The light of God isn't just something you find on Sunday morning; it is something you find everywhere and in everyone around you. It is within each of us.

Allow the light of God to shine within you and in every crevice of your life. Allow it to spread throughout this world...

A Walk Around the Lake

As part of my celebration of my healing that has happened, I went to the lake this morning. When I am at the lake, everything that is happening seems to leave my body and my mind. I become consumed in the awesome wonder of God’s creation. If I ever need to calm down, I go to the lake. When I was in the hospital a lot this past semester, I often closed my eyes and I would go to the lake in my mind. I would imagine the birds and hear them. I would feel a sense of calm and peace wash over my body as nothing else could do.

The lake is the closest thing to heaven that I have ever been to. Everything about it is peaceful. It’s entirely God’s creation. The birds. The gators. The grass. The trees. The water. All of it is His. And that is what makes it so beautiful.

I wanted to share with you some photos I took this morning while I was at the lake. To me, photography is one way that I express myself. In taking photos of God’s creation, I open myself and others to the beauty and wonder of this earth. I want my photos to capture the beauty in the mundane. Because our God is so beautiful, so majestic, so absolutely awesome and amazing. He created each one of us and He created everything we see.

The first photo I want to share is of a flower. Flowers mean a lot to me, because on the plane ride from NJ to FL after holiday break earlier this year, I sat by a man who was a Christian photographer. I know that God placed me in the seat right next to this man. I sat with my face against the window, watching the sun escape down in the horizon, the light slowly fading. God spoke to me through the song I was listening to and the sunset. I quickly grabbed the back of a checkbook to take notes on what God had told me and this man asked me what I was writing. When I told him briefly about my God moment, he gave me two magnets, one of which had Luke 12:28a on it: "And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?" How did this man know to give me that verse? I didn't really go into any detail about my life, yet he knew that was a verse I needed to hear.

That simple act of giving me a magnet has helped me in multiple ways, because every time I see a flower, it is a reminder of how much God cares for each of us. Even in our deepest and darkest moments on this earth, we know that God cares for us, very deeply, deeper than anyone on this earth can.

The next photo is of the lake, where I spend a lot of time, reading and understanding God, trying to grasp all that He is in this world- all that He is in my life and my very being here on earth. The more I understand God, the smaller I feel. The bigger God seems. My issues and problems begin to become smaller in the awe and power of who God is. A different perspective on life emerges. It's no longer a daily struggle, but rather an opportunity to find out more about God.

The next photo is special to me because I have a passion for the sun as well as its rays. For much of my life, I have spent it in darkness due to abuse, neglect, homelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, loss and my mental illnesses. There is something so powerful, so unique about the sun. It determines the difference between day and night. Without the sun, there would be no flowers. Much of the God's beautiful creations would be lost. We would be nothing without the light. In a big way as well as on a smaller scale. 

In each of our lives, there is some light in our darkness. And that light is derived from God. It is in the good that lies in each of us. In the same way that God is love, God is also light. He shines light into our darkest places. His light touches each of us in a unique way and as I stare at the rays of the sun, spreading in each direction, I am reminded of how God reaches each of us in a unique way, pointing us in our own unique but powerful direction.

The next photo is also of the sun. The sun is shining above a bridge. Often, I see a bridge as being a symbol of traveling from one place to another. Technically, that is what a bridge is. It helps us get over water. Some may say "troubled water." But this bridge is hidden behind the trees, only barely seen. God provides a way over our troubles.

In life, sometimes we don't always know where to go or how to go from here to there. Finances are strained. Relationships are strained. Our bodies are strained. We cry out for strength to get to where God wants us to go, where He is ultimately leading us. On each of our paths, we walk ahead, into the light of God, hoping and praying that we are making the right decisions. But God never leaves us. He is the light shining down on us from above. He is the love and the strength pouring into our lives. I know this because I feel Him each and every day. I would not get up in the morning if it were not for God. He continually shines His light into my darkness. He continually brings love into my being. And He always provides me with a way to get from here to there, even if it's not the easiest path.

The next photo shows the rays shining onto a bench. In many ways, I have felt God tell me to rest and just enjoy being with Him. Just rest, He says to me. You do not have to be all and do all. He tells me just to enjoy being with His beautiful creatures.  In many ways, I often feel more at home at the lake than I do in my own apartment. When I am at the lake, I am able to feel the presence of God in a very powerful way. I experience Him in everything around me. When I am at the lake, I am filled with peace and hope. Whenever I walk around, I feel Him. I see Him. And I feel that in many ways, our world has forgotten who He is. In the race to become the best, we have forgotten just to be still and know Him. We have forgotten just to be with Him and enjoy our precious lives. We have forgotten that our lives come from Him. Everything that we are is derived from who He is.

Take time to just be still and know...

Nothing to be Ashamed of

Wow… God is healing me like never before in ways that I never could have imagined and I wanted to share some stuff that happened today in hopes that it may help others.

I came across a post on Facebook about celebrities speaking out about their mental illnesses.

As I watched the videos, I was moved in more ways than one, but especially by Mary J. Blige’s story. Growing up as a teenager, I loved to listen to her music. I could relate to the stories in her songs but as I listened to her tell her story, it was the first time I truly understood why her music spoke to me so much.

She said that “All of my life as a teenager I saw women abused, called names, being beaten.” As she spoke those words, I related. As I have shared, I watched my mother being brutally beaten by my father when I was six years old. My father tried to tell me a few years ago that they were not fighting. Little does he know that her  screams will be forever etched in my mind. The images will forever be ingrained.  He has denied ever abusing me, even though he used to physically abuse me all throughout my childhood. My brother even has flashbacks from watching me be abused.

Having been through so much abuse and watching others being abused has made it next to impossible for me to trust people. When I meet men, I am usually suspicious that they have something that they’re hiding. Sometimes it’s just easier not to trust and just avoid people. But slowly I am learning that there are great people out there who don’t have anything to hide. No ulterior motives. Just kind, genuine and real people who want to help people. As I heal, I am learning how to trust. I am learning that I am worthy of love and that I don't deserve anything less. In many ways, I have come to believe that I deserve the abuse, the hate, the lack of kindness. But I am starting to grow and heal. God is restoring my heart in so many ways.

I stumbled across this flower almost blooming a few days ago and I took a photo of it because in a lot of ways, I feel like I am getting ready to bloom. God is healing and transforming my life in so many ways, it is overwhelming.

It means more than words can say to have people and role models who  speak out about what they have been through. I feel less alone. I know that there are others who relate to me. And that is why I continue to write this blog. Being alone can get pretty dim. Feeling alone is no way to live.

I came across a music video by Demi Lovato, who has spoken out about her bipolar disorder. Her song, Skyscraper made me cry the first time I watched the Youtube video. It is absolutely beautiful. It is a testament to the human spirit and the fact that as humans, we can overcome anything that comes our way. We can stand up against things that are meant to harm us. We can stand tall and be proud of who we are. We can stand up against those who do not show us love. We can stand up to those who treat us badly and sometimes that means just being who we are, instead of letting the memories of their abuse dictate how we feel or how we live our lives.

We truly have nothing to be ashamed of. 

I hope the power in those words really comes across, because tonight I am finally choosing to stand tall. I am making the decision to heal.