The Love of our Heavenly Father

God's love is something I have long misunderstood. I guess I have had a lot of trouble because I have such a difficult time understanding even what human love means.

People say that God's love is unconditional, that no matter what we do or do not do, He will still love us.

Growing up, I was often shown love by certain family members only if I did exactly what they told me to- it was highly conditional.

I consider myself fatherless. To me, I honestly don't know what having an earthly father means. My father is not gone. He did not abandon me. But he abandoned me in a lot of other ways. I do not consider him to be a father because he has never acted like one.

I have spent much of my life attempting to understand what unconditional love means and what a Father's love means- the love of our heavenly Father.

I have felt God's love in so many ways. I may not have an earthly father but I do have a heavenly Father who shows me the unconditional love I have been missing my entire life.

I feel His love most in sometimes the darkest moments of my life. I feel it when I take the time to just be still and be completely in His presence.

I feel His love as I look up at the clouds. There is something so majestic about the clouds in the sky. As a child, I often dreamt about flying with the birds in the sky.

The picture above is one of my absolute favorites that I have taken. When I look at the rays, it reminds me of how the light of God reaches out to us in no matter what situation we are going through- no matter where we are on the journey of life. There is nothing that allows me to hear God quite like nature.

I have grown to respect God so much when I look at the clouds because when the sun rises, a new day is here.

I struggle so much with my past that watching the sun rise or the sun set reminds me who really is in control, and it reminds me to stay in the present- that my past is not today, nor is my future- today is today.

No matter what fears or struggles will come today, I know that He is there for me, and that His love never fails.

Growing up, I often was taught to fear those who I thought loved me. I assimilated fear with love, because I did not really know anything different. I thought it was okay to be hurt by those who loved me. In many ways, that has made it difficult to trust God- to fully trust that His love will never harm me.

The times that I have felt God's presence the strongest were and are those moments in my life when everything is quiet. My life is so chaotic and confusing. Being in God's presence allows me to stop and breathe. He calms me down when I am in His presence. He tells me that everything will be okay. He says that I have nothing to fear.

God is love- He loves us, but ultimately He Himself is love. And the love He is does not live on fear.

That is so extremely powerful.

His love is pure, real and true.

You Are Not There Anymore

As I started talking, the world around me disappeared and I was back there.. To say that place is intense is a grave understatement. I do not really know how to explain the "there." It is dark. It is painful. There is no light. There is no joy... Just intense terror.

I feel the tears fall down my face as I move from "there" to "here."

"You are not there anymore... You are here," she says. "Try to focus on your surroundings."

"B-b-b-but I c-c-c-can't," I stutter, now frustrated that I have started stuttering and the spasms are back, something I have feared for the past few weeks.

"You can."

"Th-th-th-the m-m-m-memories k-k-keep c-c-coming," I say, now extremely angry and frustrated.

"I know. But you are not there anymore. They are just memories."

By now, my arms are moving uncontrollably and the memories flooding my mind- the pictures- are just as uncontrollable. There are not really words to explain what it is like.

The flashbacks come at all times of the day and the nightmares come at night. They are not always predictable but they are always very intense. I have about a hundred different flashbacks and many more triggers. Some of the triggers cannot be explained.

Until recently, the flashbacks were never so intense that they caused spasms or stuttering. It is difficult enough not to be able to control the flashbacks but add uncontrollable physical symptoms and then you understand what I have been dealing with for the past month or so.

Earlier today when I was struggling with the physical symptoms, my mother texted me this verse:

"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me." -Psalm 30:2 (KJV)

Even in the most difficult moments, those moments when I am completely consumed by memories of the past, I still have hope. Even in the times when I cannot control my arms or speak clearly, I have hope in the ultimate Healer. I do not know what He is going to do through this process, but I will never lose hope.

No matter what you are going through, no matter what consumes your life, no matter what storms come your way or that you are traveling through right now, I hope you never lose hope.

Hope Endures and Never Fails

What is hope?

2 Corinthians 4:16 explains how I view hope in a very clear and concise way:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” -2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)

I was talking to a friend the other day and as I started to share some of what I have been struggling with, he said to me that he had absolutely no idea. He said that whenever he saw me in the past few years, I was extremely happy, always smiling, always laughing.

There is a huge battle raging inside my heart, mind and soul every single day.

I have been literally weeping on and off for the past few days. Memories have been flooding into my mind of events that I have tried to run away from.

The moment I saw the eviction notice on the front door of my house as a teenager is one of those moments. At the time, I literally felt that my life was wasting away. I had an open case with DYFS (District of Youth and Family Services- the child protective services agency in NJ) in which I was receiving help to try to be put in a foster home. My case worker met with me at my school and told me they were closing my case, even though I did not have a home. She basically said I was too old to put in a foster home. I grew up watching every member in my family get arrested. There is a reason that I was told by many people that I belonged in a foster home.

When we were evicted, I remember going into my room and just crying for an extremely long time, not knowing where I was going to go. All I knew was that I wanted to be as far away from anybody in my family as I possibly could.

Throughout the next few months, I lived out of a suitcase as I went from home to home. That year, I think I stayed in about 7 or 8 different homes of friends. I lost count.  I am extremely thankful that I did not have to live on the streets, but there were definitely challenges to not having a stable place I could call my home.

When we finally did move back into an apartment, the tension was extremely high. That escalated as news came that my oldest brother committed suicide. We will never know exactly why he did it, but he spent most of his life in and out of jail for dealing and abusing drugs, along with other related crimes.

Sometimes this life feels like a huge war. I was blamed for my brother’s suicide and some of that has led to the turmoil I still feel. At my brother’s wake, one of my family members screamed at me right in front of his casket.

I rarely ever open up to anybody about the constant memories I deal with. I do have some very good moments in my life when I feel completely in God’s presence. It is those moments that continue to give me the hope I need to keep going.

It is not that I fake being happy- it’s just that it is so difficult to let people into the deep hurt and pain that I have endured and that I feel as the memories come flooding back. I do not want people to have to feel those feelings with me. I know that God understands and that He cries and weeps with me.

Hope, to me, is knowing that everything is going to be okay even when your heart, mind, soul and especially the world tell you differently. It is something that sometimes makes absolutely no sense when you are going through a huge storm in life but it is hope that reminds me that I have a future in God.

God truly is my strength, my hope and my stronghold. The few people who I have opened up to about some of my past sometimes ask what keeps me going. Without a doubt, it is God’s love in my life. At various points in my life, I have felt completely hopeless but out of nowhere, not making any sense, I feel a sense of hope and peace. I know that I will and can keep moving forward- that God will make a way where I only see darkness, that God will provide the strength I need when I feel extraordinarily weak.

Letting Go of the Past

One minute, I’m in the present. The next, I’m back there… Everything I feel, everything I see, everything I hear, everything I smell… all of my senses are in the past. In the place I never wanted to back to again. The page I never wanted to read again.

The triggers come out of nowhere. Most of the time, I’m completely blindsided. I have no idea what others are going to say or do, what situations are going to come into my life, what the next minute will bring. It’s kind of strange to think that my past controls how I fear the future.

Countless people have told me over the years to get over it, just control the memories. They have no idea what I have been through. It is not just from one situation in my life. It is so much more than that. Trust me, if I could wave a magic wand and say “goodbye, past,” I wholeheartedly would in a second. But that’s not realistic. The reality is that sometimes we have to go through the darkest and deepest moments in our lives in order to keep moving forward.

When I woke up this morning, my anxiety was at a very low level. My anxiety increased dramatically throughout the day and my heart was back to pounding, my thoughts were back to those moments I would rather forget.

My anxiety became so high that I went to my church and played the piano for an hour or so, just letting my frustrations, anger and fears flow through my hands into the piano. After playing, I just stopped out of nowhere and literally wept. Sometimes everything you’ve been running from catches up with you. I have tried for years to grieve over my past and everything I’ve endured but I do not truly know how.

It felt so good to let my feelings out… Crying seems to do that.

I carry inside memories of events and situations that I have been told that nobody should ever have to endure. There are still many things I have been through that I have not shared with anyone. I try my best to hide those memories and my past from those around me, in hopes that if I do it well, maybe I’ll forget them or maybe the pain will just suddenly go away.

Right now, I can honestly say that God is carrying me through this. I feel Him and hear His voice even in the times when my past haunts me. I know that it is only through Him that I can truly move forward and be freed and healed completely from my past.

Even though I have been through enormously difficult times, God has blessed me with His grace, mercy, love, hope, peace and never-ending strength.

Yes, I have had many tough and challenging times in my life, but I would be nowhere, nothing and nobody if I did not have God in my life. He is everything I have ever needed and He is always there when I need Him.

Letting God's Strength and Light Shine Through: A Reflection on 2 Corinthians 12

A few days ago, I was reading 2 Corinthians 12, which contains one of my favorite passages of all time. In this passage, apostle Paul talks about a thorn that he was given to keep him humble because of revelations he had been given.

Pride is something I have dealt with, especially when things in my life are going very well. It is in the most difficult moments in my life that I tend to lean on God the most. When I have those moments that I am fully dependent on God, I am usually very humble because I realize that my strength is coming only from God, not me. As things start to look up, sometimes I start to believe that it was through my power, through my strength, through my will to survive that I got through those difficult moments.

That’s not the truth.

The truth is that God is with us in every moment of our lives- the good, the bad and the downright ugly. We may feel closer to God in the deepest and darkest moments in our lives, but the truth is that He is with us in every moment, every situation, every second of every day. No matter what you’re going through, He is with you right now. If you let Him, He will give you the strength you need.

I took the photo above as I went for my walk this morning. Tree branches represent to me the twists and turns that our lives can take- some are straight, some are sharp, some come out of nowhere, some are short, some are long, some are bumpy, some are smooth- just like the many moments of our lives. In the background of this photo, there is a beautiful sunrise. This photo is supposed to represent how we can use the dark moments of our lives- all those twists and turns- and let God's light shine through, shine past those difficult times in order to create something beautiful. Our lives can be unpredictable, but God's light, love, hope and peace never change. We can always rely on God.

The Amplified Bible version says:

 ^“But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed)… when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength).” -2 Corinthians 12:9a,10b (AMP)

God’s grace is something that we cannot gain from the things we do or do not do while we are on this earth. God’s grace is a part of who He is. It’s the loving-kindness He shows towards all of His children. It’s the mercy He shows towards those who are going through rough times.

Something I really like about this version is also that it explains the difference between our weakness and God’s strength. We are weak because we are human. There is a lot of evil in this world and there are many moments in our lives when we are frightened, worried- whatever it is that separates you from God. I have had a lot of moments in my own life when I truly felt weak and that there was no way that I could possibly move forward or keep fighting for another day.

What keeps me going? What kept me going even in the midst of those difficult times?

Put simply, it is the strength of God that keeps me fighting for a better day. It is only through His strength, His power and His might that I am still here. It is through Him that I find joy even in the darkest moments in my life- in the situations that no human should ever have to endure.

The Message says:

“I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness” -2 Corinthians 12:9 (MSG)

Read that over if you have to. As someone who has multiple disorders that I deal with every day, I know that it is often very difficult to appreciate the difficulties in our lives. But I can tell you that even the most difficult trials in our lives can be tremendous blessings. It is through God’s strength that we can take our weaknesses, our failures, our regrets, and transform them into something truly beautiful.

Compassionate Letter #1

Something I struggle with often is that it is really easy to help others or encourage them during rough times, but it often is very difficult for me to do the same for myself. I am starting to write letters to myself, almost as if I am talking to someone else but I am the one who is both talking and receiving the encouragement... a form of self-soothing. I wanted to share this letter because it probably will help someone else.

You are stronger than you think. Sometimes you may think that you're not strong because of the fact that you're still in therapy and it seems like an endless battle for a better day.

But you need to keep running. You need to keep fighting the doubts, fears and anxiety- keep fighting to keep them away so that you can keep moving forward into the future that God has planned for you.

You've been through so much but with God's strength, you've also overcome so much. I know there were a ton of times in your life when you didn't know how to feel, where to go- what was up and what was down, but those were the moments when God was carrying you.

The enemy wants to destroy you, as he always has. He wants you to forget all of the miracles God has done in your life. He wants you to focus on all of the evil in your life. He wants to consume your life with clouds and darkness so you cannot see the light of God anymore. But you cannot let him steal your joy. You can't let him steal everything God has given to you.

And he can't.

God is in you and is so much stronger than the enemy. The things you have been through were pure evil and extremely difficult but you got through them. God has truly preserved your life so I hope you take the blessings He has given you to help others. I hope you can remain focused on the good and not those evil moments, those evil things you were put through.

No matter what others say, no matter what others think of you or say about you, you must always remember that you are God's precious daughter. And He does not hurt His children. He loves you like nobody in this world can. He understands everything you're going through because He was there. He was there when you were born. He's been with you even before you were born. He has been there with you and for you every step of the way and He's not about to abandon you.

Keep relying on God because He will keep carrying you through this storm. He will heal you and He has redeemed you already.

You are not what has been done to you. God has cleansed you and He loves you so much that He has forgiven everything you have done. You are a human who has been hurt in very difficult and awful ways, but you are not defined by those situations... You are so much more than that.

You did not deserve what has happened to you. Nobody deserves to go through what happened to you but you DID get through all of it because God loves you so much that He helped you through all of it. He hugged you when you were scared and crying. He was there with you in all of the hospitals. He was there, strengthening you... Because God doesn't hurt His children. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will continue to give you the strength and courage you need to make it through this storm and all of the other storms that are still coming.

When those new storms come or your anxiety continues to get worse, continue to fight and draw close to the One who continues to heal you.

Remember that each new day is a chance to transform and to become the person God wants you to be. You cannot let the enemy win. Always remember that good will win. Keep fighting the good fight and remember that if God is for you, you have nothing to fear. He is on your side. He will never betray you or disappoint you. He loves you and not in a way that is all selfish. He loves you because He created you. Remember that you are wonderfully and fearfully made by God. He knows everything about you and He loves you like no earthly human being ever can or will.

He wants to help you soar over the storms in your life. But sometimes you have to go through the storms in order to rise above them. The sun will always rise in the morning and you know that no matter how many tears you shed the night before, no matter how many fearful thoughts you had, joy comes in the morning. You can continue to fight this fight and the endless battles because God is in you.

You are SO worth fighting for and fighting to feel and find the joy that only God can bring in the most difficult times. God has your best interests at heart and He knows and sees things that you do not. He does not have any ulterior motives.

Keep running. Keep walking. Keep fighting and getting through to another day. Always remember that you are never alone. No matter what the world tells you. No matter what the enemy tells you. Keep focused on the truth. The truth can be found in God. You and God know the truth about what has happened to you and He knows all of those fears and feelings you felt as you went through all of it. He stood beside you and He always will stand beside you. The Holy Spirit is in you and you need to keep listening to His guidance and the truth that He tells you. Let the Holy Spirit be your guide and you will continue to be strengthened.

In the Midst of the Storms, Talk to God

Where do I begin? It’s been such a long time since my last post. My life has taken quite a few twists and turns in the past few weeks.

I am currently struggling with four disorders and a few weeks ago, I was hospitalized for the eighth time in the past 7 years. To say that life is difficult sometimes is an understatement and I know many people who would agree with me.

The past two weeks were going pretty well until a few days ago when my anxiety level started to rise. I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to awful things in my past. There are no words to really explain what it is like to be constantly reminded of your past when all you want to do is move forward and forget the past.

This week I am entering into intensive treatment in which they are purposely going to cause my anxiety to rise so that I should have flashbacks. I am absolutely terrified. I know that God is on my side and He has been with me in every moment of my life, but I am scared beyond imagination to start this treatment.

In order to help me cope with everything, I have started to write in 3 different journals. I wanted to share a few excerpts from my  Conversations with God journal in hopes that they might help whoever reads this post:

“Most of the times I feel God the most are in the quietest, simplest moments in life. Lately, it’s been my moments sitting at the lake or stargazing… I feel completely at peace and am filled with God’s love and hope.

If I had to describe feeling God, it’s that I feel this warmth envelop me and sometimes I get chills and feel His presence. I get this sense of calm and peace, even if everything around me is chaotic. There’s usually little going on and it feels like it’s just me and Him. Other people can be around but they don’t really matter in those moments, because I’m so focused on the love I feel in His presence.”

“In God, I feel cleansed, refreshed and renewed. I feel a hope I never thought I would ever feel when I was a child. I get excited about life and what God will do in my life, where I will go. I’m not just merely trying to make it through the day. I feel a huge sense of joy. I don’t feel trapped in a dark room- my hands are free- I can raise my arms to praise the One who has freed me, rescued and is redeeming me… God is continually making me feel whole again.

He’s taking that huge gaping hole in my soul- the shattered pieces, the brokenness, the frustrations, the endless anxiety, the panic, the horrible memories, flashbacks and nightmares- and He is filling it with His love, peace, hope and joy. He’s giving me the strength I need to overcome and to keep on fighting so that I do not feel trapped and alone or that nobody cares. In His presence, I know that there is One who cares more deeply for me than anyone on earth ever can. he can heal me like no one can. He can cleanse me like no one can.”

“When the world tells me I am not good enough, not beautiful enough, not clean enough, not pure enough, it feels extremely good to have a heavenly Father who tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made- that I am not an accident, not a mistake- that I have a purpose in life and that He loves me.”