Stuck in another world

Lately, life has been difficult on many levels. But today was one of the worst days I have had in awhile. I want people to understand how arduous living with mental illnesses can be. On any given day, I deal with flashbacks, nightmares, paranoia, psychosis, mania and depression. As you may expect, I need to take each day on its own and make the most of my life here on earth meaningful, even on the rough days.

I'm not saying all of the stuff that I deal with to gain pity. I hate pity and it has not helped me get this far. Rather I want to focus on my strengths as a person. I was absolutely bombarded today with flashbacks of abuse I have endured my entire life by several family members.

Sometimes even I do not know how I got from there to here, but this ride has been a unique one, one riddled with obstacles.. I mean, not only have I been through rough circumstances, but I also have to deal with daily going back there. "There" is another world full of darkness and event in my life that I would rather forget. That is another world I hate to visit, but some days there is no way around the symptoms, so I need to go "there".

I find that strength comes out of the deepest darkness we experience in life. Today, I cried and for me, that's a huge step because most times I cry in my mind and only in my mind. I don't like to visit the darkness, if only to mourn the loss of everything I've lost. I don't like others to see me cry. I'm one that cries alone and sobs quietly. I try to focus on the positive.

Paranoise

To be honest, I have not been to a church service in over a year. It's not that I am not a Christian. But for me, I had some major paranoid episodes the few weeks before I chose not to go back for awhile.

Paranoia can be terrifying. I could not even sit still in the service. I constantly had to get up and go to the entrance doors to see if the FBI was outside. I hallucinated sirens almost the whole service. I cut my last service short because I could not stand my paranoia

May I repeat,,, Paranoia can be terrifying. I also thought the pastors wanted me out of the church. I felt like I could not put a voice to what I was dealing with.

I still am fearful to go back to a church because sometimes I feel like people are gong to judge me without me explaining what I am going through. Or maybe they they will think I don't have the Holy Spirit in me, which I do. I'm just having a hard time like everyone has. Nobody is immune to the mountains that need to be climbed in life.

What I can say is that God loves me unconditionally.

This morning I went for a run as I listened to Hillsong worship songs I felt God's presence in me. After a rough week of fighting paranoia. psychosis and flashbacks, I needed it.

Nobody is immune   to God's work in our lives..

The Naysayers

I just FB'd a post that I will share here on my blog. To me, it is a reminder of how resilient human beings can be. I was on the computer for most of the day looking up jobs in cancer research. A part of me is doubting whether I can handle a job or not at this point. I'm still not sure of that answer but I want to be ready at some point in the near future.

Here is my FB post:

In my first year in high school, I was in remedial biology and language arts. I now have an MS in Biomedical Engineering and have had some of my writing published,

In college, I told a professor that my goal was to get straight A's during a semester despite taking an overload of courses. He said there was no way I could do that. I got an A in his course and every other course that semester. That same professor said I should have gone to an Ivy League university.

After a serious back injury in 2009, the doctors were not sure if I'd ever be able to walk again. Well, I am currently running 3-6 miles a day during training for my first half marathon.

In my second semester of graduate school, I had 3 hospitalizations and missed nearly half the semester. My doctors told me not to go back to school because I would certainly fail the semester. Well, I went back to school and got A's and B's. I went on to graduate.

I currently am struggling with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD and when the days get rough, I remind myself of all my naysayers in my life and defeat the challenges. I think I oughta thank them since they have pushed me to disprove them.

Never let others determine your future. I sincerely believe that one can do anything in life if they put their mind to it.

6 Month Anniversary

Today is my 6-month anniversary of being released  from my last hospitalization after being hospitalized 12 times in the last 10 years.Today is a momentous occasion for me because I am finally learning to deal with my mental health.

I was able to visit with a friend that I have not seen in months and it was a huge blessing to meet up and visit, It made my year.

I have a lot going for me. I am seriously working on my running so that I can do my first Half Marathon in a few months. I have had something that I shared with a few people published. I am working on my second song I've ever written.

I enjoy every day, no matter what happens.

And most important, I have not had suicidal thoughts in over 6 months (my last time was when I was in the hospital). I can deeply and honestly say that I am just so happy to be alive, and I know this is not the mania. This is for real. I still have difficult days but I see that my life has a lot of meaning and purpose.,

Thanks for all the help from those who have supported me this past 6 months.

My next goal is 5 years. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me.

Feeling Content from There to Here

Today is Mental Health Blog Day and here is my post for today's event...

 

 

Where do I begin? Well, let me start at the beginning of my long and in-depth journey through living with multiple mental illnesses...

No, maybe I should start from my experiences dealing with them right now...

I have had 12 hospitalizations from the age of 15, over 30 medications tried, and many diagnoses thrown at me. I suffer, no I struggle, daily with hallucinations, paranoia, psychosis, flashbacks, nightmares, mania and depression. I said that I prefer to use the terminology of struggle over suffer because I don't really believe I suffer from these symptoms. In many ways, I am content no matter if I have the symptoms or not. They are just an extra pat of life that God has placed in my life.

To me, there is always hope. Even on the most challenging days. Even on those rare, bleak days when I feel like I should just call it a day. And despite my mental illnesses, those days are few and far-between.

I choose to remain positive, no matter what that entails.

That's not always easy, but I choose to not give up. I want to fulfill my dreams. I have dreams that I am currently working on, one of them being running in the NYC Marathon. You see, I am a dream-oriented person, even more so than a goal-oriented person. I find that there is a lot of joy in achieving my outlandish dreams. Outlandish to others, but not to me. I truly believe that I can achieve anything I dream of.

I come from a family full of alcoholism, drug abuse, abuse (all types), neglect, homelessness and loss (including my oldest brother to suicide in 2007). Some people wonder how I got from there to here. Although I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions, most of them have been an impulse response to outlandish states of paranoia and psychosis. I do not easily give up. But when my mind goes there, it almost cannot stop.

Currently I am not focusing on getting rid of the symptoms but rather focusing on how to get through life with them. That is the only true way of getting through the hardest days.

Some of my first initial struggles with mental illness was through a long period of neglect by my mother. She was rarely at home during the nights and early mornings. I used to be terrified about being alone on dark nights. This was my first experience with being paranoid. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, imagining that my mother was gone due to a car accident. I used to be frightened almost every night for 3 or so years. I had to get myself up every morning and go to school. For most of my life, I have had to care for myself more than normal since I did not have responsible parents. I believe all of this has made me a strong person.

I think the most meaningful reason for my still living in this world is knowing that I have made a difference in the lives of many around me.

Ultimately, I am a fighter and I will continue to make my life meaningful.

 

Letter to my Future Child(ren)

Dearest future son and/or daughter,

I have heard that being a mother is one of the most difficult but most rewarding “jobs” in the world. But you see, I do not think of it as a job. I see it as a beautiful and wonderful part of life for a woman. I am extremely excited about you coming into my life.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and I promise that I will take care of you more than I have ever cared for someone or something before.

I promise that though I am bound to make mistakes, I will learn from them and that I will love you unconditionally, even on the hardest days.

If you are LGBT, I promise that I will love you until my last day here on earth. I will remind you how much courage God has given you to face the challenges of being different. I will remind you that you are always loved by me. I will not judge you. Instead, I will be proud of you. You will always be my wonderful child. I know that nothing about you is an accident and that you are an amazing part of my life,

If you are adopted by me, I will love you as if you are my birth child. I will not look at you differently. I will help you grow and help you create the life you want to have. I will love you unconditionally and I will learn how to be the best mother I can be for you. I will be there for you if and when you find yourself wondering about your birth parents.

If you are disabled, I will tell you that I am disabled as well and that I will help you through daily life meeting the tough times. I will look beyond your disability and help you achieve any goals or dreams you have.  I will teach you that the impossible can be possible. I will not look at you differently. You see, I have worked with hundreds of children and adults with special needs and I will be proud to be your mother. I will guide you through challenging days. I will help you to know your capabilities and not to focus on what you cannot do. Because this world needs you. I need you.

If you are different in any other way, I will embrace your differences and never stop loving you. After all, our differences are what make our lives exciting, not dull.

Now a few things you should know about me is that I struggle daily with Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar 1 type, and PTSD. I daily struggle with hallucinations, paranoia, flashbacks, psychosis, mania and depression. But that does not stop me from loving you or making your life worth living. I face my own challenges and want to help you do the same.

I believe in God. I feel God’s presence when I am running or walking through nature. God is not a distant God. He helps me get through each day and I know He will help me to raise you in the best possible way I can. I learned unconditional love through God’s love towards me. I know that we are all special and loved by Him, no matter if He feels distant or not.

I love to run. Currently, I am training for a Half Marathon. I want to run in the NYC Marathon within the next 5 years. Running the marathon is a dream of mine and I will teach you as you grow up to reach for your dreams. Follow your dreams. They are what make this life so beautiful.  When I run, I raise money for charities. I want to show you how to make a difference in the lives of many and that caring for others Is an important part of life.

I will undoubtedly not be a perfect mother or even the best mother in the world but I promise I will aim to be the best mother I can be for you.

Dearest son and/or daughter, I cannot wait until you enter into this world. I know that you are going to make a difference in all of the lives of the people around you, especially mine. I cannot wait to hold you and hug you. I cannot wait to make you giggle. I cannot wait to let you know that you are beautiful and that you are loved, no matter what. I cannot wait to help you dream and then follow your dreams. I cannot wait to watch you grow.

 

Where I Find God

I started this blog/website a few years ago to help others know what life is like when faced with severe illness, mental specifically. I wanted to let people in on my life as I deal with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD.,

To tell you the truth, somedays are really hard. I graduated with my Masters degree in Biomedical Engineering, despite my illnesses getting worse and worse. However, I have not worked in a little less than 2 years. I cannot even go to work without having paranoid symptoms. Sometimes I find myself even having trouble going to the grocery store.

Along with struggling with parnoia, I have daily struggles with hallucinations (visual and audio), mania, depression, psychosis and intense flashbacks.

Yes, I daily struggle, but to be completely honest, I love the life I have, despite the countless struggles I have faced and face daily.

Everyone on this earth has something that they struggle with. I believe we are called to make the most of the short life we are given.

I do not watch TV. I do not own a TV. I dont want to own a TV, Even still, I hear a lot of news on Facebook. I heard about the recent riots, That deeply saddens me that there is not more peace around the world. Why can't we just love others?

For me, recemtly, I feel that I am called to fulfill my dream to run in the NYC marathon. Running is an escape for me. I love running with Christin music blasting through my ear. There is nothing so powerful. Every time I run or walk I am able to raise money for charities.

As a little child, growing up in a toxic childhood, I quickly gravitated to the woods behind my house. That was where I first encountered God, even despite surviving severe abuse. I feel Gods presence when I run, surrounded by the creations of God. There is something very motivating and inspiring about feeling God''s presence. I can't really put it into words.

I have not felt God's presence in a few months. But when I ran down a triail close to my new home a few days ago, I felt Him in a way that I have not in a long time. Nature is magical like that. It is where I go to meet God. It is where I am remindeed how truly beautiful this life really is.  Nature is where I feel peace within...