Positive Outlook

"You have to stop thinking bad things are going to happen and look forward to all that is waiting for you. There's a good life ahead of you, but only if you choose to accept it."
-R.B.Mitchell, Castaway Kid

This quote stood out to me this morning, because I realized that lately, I have been thinking more positively about my future. I am really positive about moving home to NJ and finding a job.

A few months ago, my pastor said to me, "You have a story whether or not something tragic happens this year." It was in this moment that I realized that I had a choice to make about whether or not I would be positive about my future, despite my mental illness and other challenges. It made me realize that the rest of this year didn't have to be full of hospitalizations.

I had a choice.

I think it is this positive outlook that has carried me so far without a hospitalization. When I first got out of the hospital in April, each day was a challenge and I thought I was headed back to the hospital "any day now."

But now, almost 8 months later, I don't live my life like that anymore. I live it, knowing that if I take my medications and go to therapy and psychiatrist appointments, I do not have to go to the hospital. I know I can stay stable and function successfully.

I don't live my life each day wondering if I'm going to go back to the hospital anymore. I live knowing that I have a bright future despite dealing with multiple mental illnesses. I live knowing that I can stay out of the hospital.

I am graduating with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering in 7 days, despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD. I am not only the first person in my family to graduate from college but I am also the first one to graduate with a Masters.

There is something to be said about having a positive attitude. Nothing is impossible.

In The Midst

"God doesn't sit back as a passive observer and allow circumstances or Satan to hurt us, only to step in afterward and say optimistically, 'I can make this into something good!' He has a purpose and design in what is happening to us from the beginning, and even though what is happening to us might not be good, God intends it all for our ultimate good."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

With my life full of obstacles, I have heard everything one can hear about whether or not God intends the difficult circumstances in our lives to happen. One of my least favorite is that God allowed all of the difficult things in my life so that I would have a good testimony. I say that's one of my least favorite because I think God is after more than a good testimony.

He is with us in the midst of the storms. Even as a child being abused, I felt God. I experienced God. That is why my faith is so strong. He helped me even in the midst of what was happening.

In all of the most difficult challenges I have faced, I have felt God very strongly. Last year, I felt Him as I went to the lake. I felt Him as a sense of peace overwhelmed me as I watched a white bird soar over the lake. That sense of peace stayed with me, even in the midst of my confusion and chaos of mental illness.

As a teenager, being neglected, I felt Him when I was alone. I decorated my room with Bible verses. I read them all the time and my relationship with God grew throughout.

So can I say that bad circumstances and difficulties can be turned into good?

Absolutely!

Does it mean that everything will be easy?

Not at all.

Does it mean that God will be with you and me throughout the difficulties?

Absolutely.

Blessings Upon Blessings

Yesterday was one of the most blessed days I've had in awhile.

First, it was the last day of the semester for me, meaning that I've made it through the entire semester without being hospitalized. This comes after last semester, in which I was hospitalized 4 times.

Second, I had two exams. No words can explain how blessed I felt when I took the exams. You see, my memory is not good on my medications...at all. On the prior exam in one of my classes, I completely blanked out and forgot everything I studied.... It was absolutely awful and very frustrating. I sat there confused, not remembering anything.

But yesterday, as I took the exams, I remembered nearly everything. And if I forgot something, I thought well enough to try and figure it out.

I felt so blessed as I took the exams. I felt the prayers of people who were praying.

There are definitely times when I miss my awesome memory, i.e. my photographic memory. When I was off the meds, I could memorize 60 pages of notes in 3 hours word for word. 

But I know I need the medications to function, even if they play around with my memory.

Yesterday was the first day that I really felt that my memory was working despite the medications and it was a tremendous blessing. It reminded me that I can truly be successful on the medications.

This morning, I have an Exit Interview for the graduate school and as I go to this interview, I feel so blessed to be able to finish strong in the graduate program, despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with multiple mental illnseses.

This semester is wrapping up nicely.      

A Firm Faith

"You'll find that while storms still blow into your life, you won't be destroyed by them. Your world may be rocked by difficulty and disappointment, but your faith will hold firm."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

Have you ever been rocked by circumstances in your life? Has your faith ever been tested?

I have and mine has...

Even now, as I have two exams today, I have to trust that God will carry me through the exams so I can successfully graduate.

It's in the toughest moments in our lives that our faith grows. It's in those moments when we feel like giving up, that the fight is too hard, or we just don't know which way is up, that God steps in and helps us in ways we never could have expected.

I began the journey of graduate school a year and a half ago. The person who I was then is not the person I am now. I have gone through tremendous healing and growth in my relationship with God.

You truly never know what God can do in the midst of great suffering.

Processing

"Steel is the product of iron plus fire. Soil is rock plus heat and the crushing of glaciers....In the same way, the development of human character requires a plus attached to it, for great character is made not through luxurious living but through suffering."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Dec. 2 Devotion

I've been studying for my Materials exam on Wednesday for the past five days or so. We have a test on the mechanics of the materials as well as the heat, mass and momentum transport of the materials.

So....

I've learned a lot about how materials work.

And one lecture came to mind when I read this quote above earlier this morning. 

My professor did an awesome demo a few classes ago. He took a hair pin and bent it back and forth and it didn't break. He then took another one, lit it on fire and quickly put it in a glass of cold water. When he bent the hair pin, it broke very easily. Finally, he took a third hair pin and lit it on fire, but this time, he didn't put it in the water. He allowed it to cool down for about a minute. When he went to bend it, it was strong and did not break.

Now I know and undersstand the mechanics of how this all works. It includes quenching, annealing and cold working. But I'm not going there...

Instead, I just want to talk about how sometimes the challenges in our lives are exactly what we need to grow and become who God wants us to be. Sometimes in life, we will be asked to walk through the fire. Or sometimes we will be dumped into a situation that we don't want to be in. Circumstances arise that sometimes we don't know how we will get through them. And sometimes we are asked to wait, and with time, we may  find healing and strength.

But all of that is how God "processes" us. It is how we gain a meaningful relationship with Him. It is how we learn more about Him. It is how we become close to Him and experience His presence.

Sorrow or Blessing?

"God, if you are powerful enough to have done things differently, why didn't you? How can I accept your comfort and believe you want to heal my broken heart when you could have kept me from experiencing this sorrow in the first place? If you'd only given me what I wanted, neither of us would have been sad."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

As I read this early this morning, I was reminded of times when I have asked God these questions. I will never forget when I was talking to a reverend as a teenager and she told me that God could have sent a lightning bolt at my father when he was abusing me, but God didn't.

Am I grateful for my sorrows? Am I grateful for the pain I've endured?

I can honestly say in a way, yes.

Why?

Let me share with you another quote...

"Paul recognized that all his suffering-being imprisoned, shiprwrecked, stoned, threatened, rejected, criticized, cold and hungry-allowed him to experience a special fellowship with Jesus."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

And another one...

"Jesus is not a distant deity who knows nothing about the pain of disappointment and death. he knows firsthand. He understands.".
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

I have been abused, neglected, and homeless. I have experienced the loss of a brother at the early age of 25. I deal with multiple mental illnesses on a daily basis.

But I am making it, with the help of God.

I am thankful to Him that I am not alone in this fight. I am thankful to Him that he has brought people into my life to help me during my trials. As I look back and reflect on all of my trials, I can see the hand of God throughout all of it.

And am I happy that He didn't stop my trials, even though He could have?

In  a way, yes. 

Because I have a special fellowship with Him that I would not have otherwise.
"

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

"You can be blessed in the midst of a miserable situation, because being blessed doesn't mean you have no trouble or struggle or sorrow; it doesn't mean you always experience success and comfort. It means that in the midst of the trouble and struggle and sorrow, you find yourself deeply secure, profoundly content and happy in God."
-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

Oddly enough, I read this book right after my fourth hospitalization in this past April. It's hard to believe that it's December already and that in two weeks, I will be on a plane heading home to New Jersey.

This quote reminded me that no matter what happens in our lives, we need to be deeply rooted in God. Through Him, we find security and comfort even during the storms of life. Reading this now, I am reminded that no matter what comes my way, God is there for me. I don't know what my next phase in my life will look like, but I am trusting God.

As I am finishing up at UF, I am really grateful for a few people who helped me through my difficult times, especially the people of my church here in Gainesville. They stood by me through my months of paranoia and psychosis. I am going to miss them very deeply. They blessed me in so many ways. They brought hope and peace into my life when I most needed it. 

It is hitting me hard that this is my second to last Sunday at the church here.

It's been quite a journey during my time here in Florida. It has been full of obstacles and pain, but also many times of blessing. As I move forward, I not only remember the tough times but I also remember the blessed times as well.