Some of you may know that I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel for a Bible study at my church.
One quote that we discussed last week was:
"The child of the Father rejects the pastel colored patsy God who promises never to rain on our parade."
My interpretation of this quote is that many times, we think that if we accept God into our lives, everything will be perfect. God does not promise that. I've experienced plenty of trials after accepting Christ and I know many others who have as well.
I downloaded iOS 7 on my iPhone yesterday and afterwards, I was playing around with my phone when I opened the YouVersion Bible app and it said to read Job 1. Out of nowhere I decided to read it. You know how you just hear God telling you to do something?
So I read the Message version of Job 1.
At one point, Satan says to God, "You pamper [Job] like a pet, make sure nothing bad ever happens to him or his family or his possessions, bless everything he does—he can’t lose!"
- Job 1:10(MSG)
Satan is questioning the authenticity of Job's relationship with God. He thinks that if everything goes wrong, Job will curse God.
So then God allows Satan to challenge Job through many trials.
The reason I point all of this out is that the Christian life is by far not perfect. We may not always understand why we are going through struggles, but in the end, we may realize how God transformed us and strengthened us throughout. Once you accept Christ, you may have many struggles, but know that God never leaves you nor forsakes you. Struggles are part of the human condition, but by the grace of God we can overcome those trials.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Aware of the Blessings
My first exam of the semester is early this morning. I have a total of 8 exams this semester.
I've been studying for this exam a lot, especially this past week. On top of studying, I had two homeworks due this week, one that was 20 pages of mathematical proofs, derivations and calculations.
Though this semester is by far my most difficult semester academically, I feel so blessed to be able to study and do well in my classes. This semester is lightyears better than last semester.
Sometimes you have to stop and be grateful for the small things in life.
For me, the ability to concentrate enough to study is something I am blessed with this semester. I can sit down and study for a few hours straight, something I could not do last semester.
After last semester, I realize how truly blessed I am this semester and that things are going so well.
Someone asked on a Facebook group last night "what would you tell someone about having a mental illness?"
I replied and said that living with mental illness is not easy but with the proper therapy, treatment and medications, we can live fulfilling lives. I hope that when people see me, they do not see my mental illness but rather how far I have come in the past year.
I've been studying for this exam a lot, especially this past week. On top of studying, I had two homeworks due this week, one that was 20 pages of mathematical proofs, derivations and calculations.
Though this semester is by far my most difficult semester academically, I feel so blessed to be able to study and do well in my classes. This semester is lightyears better than last semester.
Sometimes you have to stop and be grateful for the small things in life.
For me, the ability to concentrate enough to study is something I am blessed with this semester. I can sit down and study for a few hours straight, something I could not do last semester.
After last semester, I realize how truly blessed I am this semester and that things are going so well.
Someone asked on a Facebook group last night "what would you tell someone about having a mental illness?"
I replied and said that living with mental illness is not easy but with the proper therapy, treatment and medications, we can live fulfilling lives. I hope that when people see me, they do not see my mental illness but rather how far I have come in the past year.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Accepting Oneself
I am mentally drained from school this week and my week is not done yet. I handed in a 20 page homework full of mathematical calculations yesterday and I have an exam tomorrow that I've been studying for all week. But I took a break and went to Bible study last night.
We are reading The Ragamuffin Gospel and so far, the book is amazing. It has really opened my eyes in many ways.
One quote really stuck out to me while reading.
"When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or the acceptance of others."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
To tell you the truth, I don't know if I've truly accepted myself. I worry a lot about what others think about me and that tends to be because of my paranoia and psychosis. I still worry if people are spreading rumors about me. Deep down, I don't think I feel worthy of others' love and affection. I often feel like a burden to others. I feel like if I open myself up and tell others what I'm dealing with, I become a burden. I feel that the only way people can show me love is if it's superficial or that they "have to."
But God's love is different. He is opening my eyes to this fact. God loves us in a deep way and we are never a burden to Him. He won't spread rumors about us. He cares about us when no one else will. He created us and loves us deeply.
Through this realization, I am continuing to move forward and learning to accept myself. It's not an easy task but it's worth every moment.
We are reading The Ragamuffin Gospel and so far, the book is amazing. It has really opened my eyes in many ways.
One quote really stuck out to me while reading.
"When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or the acceptance of others."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
To tell you the truth, I don't know if I've truly accepted myself. I worry a lot about what others think about me and that tends to be because of my paranoia and psychosis. I still worry if people are spreading rumors about me. Deep down, I don't think I feel worthy of others' love and affection. I often feel like a burden to others. I feel like if I open myself up and tell others what I'm dealing with, I become a burden. I feel that the only way people can show me love is if it's superficial or that they "have to."
But God's love is different. He is opening my eyes to this fact. God loves us in a deep way and we are never a burden to Him. He won't spread rumors about us. He cares about us when no one else will. He created us and loves us deeply.
Through this realization, I am continuing to move forward and learning to accept myself. It's not an easy task but it's worth every moment.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Need to Break Out
I was looking over some of the quotes I wrote in my notebook/journal from books I've read lately and I came across this quote...
"In my own personal journey, God showed me that I'd never break the pit cycle if I didn't name every contribution I made to it and let Him deal with my self-destructive tendencies."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit
As I read this quote this morning, I thought "How true is that?" Lately, I've been trying to climb out of the pit that I'm trapped in in order to move forward. Is it me that's holding me back? Is there some part of me that doesn't want to stop thinking about the past? Do I want to be stuck in the pit?
I think the answer to the last question is a resounding no. But the other questions are still up in the air.
I don't know if it's so much that I want to be stuck in the pit but that the pit actually feels comfortable after awhile. Things have gone wrong for most of my life so I think a part of me has gotten used to things going wrong. I think that's where my tendency to catastrophize comes in. Point blank, I'm not used to things going well. I've tended to get used to being stuck in the past. I'm used to having flashbacks all the time.
Most recently, I've been trying to break out of the past. This entails not ruminating about it. It entails getting out of the past, mentally and spiritually. I've noticed that I've even had less flashbacks!
Moving forward is quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. It takes a lot of courage and strength, but in turn I receive the gift of freedom, something more beautiful than I can simply put into words in a blog post.
"In my own personal journey, God showed me that I'd never break the pit cycle if I didn't name every contribution I made to it and let Him deal with my self-destructive tendencies."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit
As I read this quote this morning, I thought "How true is that?" Lately, I've been trying to climb out of the pit that I'm trapped in in order to move forward. Is it me that's holding me back? Is there some part of me that doesn't want to stop thinking about the past? Do I want to be stuck in the pit?
I think the answer to the last question is a resounding no. But the other questions are still up in the air.
I don't know if it's so much that I want to be stuck in the pit but that the pit actually feels comfortable after awhile. Things have gone wrong for most of my life so I think a part of me has gotten used to things going wrong. I think that's where my tendency to catastrophize comes in. Point blank, I'm not used to things going well. I've tended to get used to being stuck in the past. I'm used to having flashbacks all the time.
Most recently, I've been trying to break out of the past. This entails not ruminating about it. It entails getting out of the past, mentally and spiritually. I've noticed that I've even had less flashbacks!
Moving forward is quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. It takes a lot of courage and strength, but in turn I receive the gift of freedom, something more beautiful than I can simply put into words in a blog post.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Into the Bright Future
I've been studying for an exam I have on Friday for the past few days. I've studied probably about 15-20 hours for it so far.
Have you ever studied for something so much that you actually "see" it everywhere or you can't stop thinking about what's on the exam? I've been studying for a class about materials and I actually have started to "see" the quantum mechanical structure of the materials all around me. I think that's a sign that I'm almost ready for the exam. I keep looking around and asking myself what kind of structure does this material have? Is it an alloy, a ceramic, a... blah de blah blah? Is it strong, ductile, brittle? Is it crystalline/noncrystalline? You get the picture.
Yesterday, I posted about getting up after going through a rough time. I wanted to point out that it's probably one of the most difficult things one can do. Especially after a hard fall. But getting up after a fall can be one of the most rewarding things one can do as well. Out of the most difficult experiences often come great things.
The excitement of being back in school for me still has not lost its touch. The excitement of being out of the hospital is still very real and tangible. I am blessed each day that I move forward and learn to let go of the past. I don't take the ability to concentrate and study for granted.
I have been wondering why letting go is so hard. Why is letting go so arduous?
I think it is because it requires a lot for us to move forward and let go. We have to realize that we are stuck in the past and that with God's help, we can move forward. I don't necessarily know what it will look like for me to completely move forward, but I know I'm on my way to a bright future. I know I am moving forward each and every day. And that means more than words can say.
We also have to realize that the past is in the past and that we are not defined by our past. The past is over and done with. And we are free to move forward into the wonderful plans God has for us.
Amen.
Have you ever studied for something so much that you actually "see" it everywhere or you can't stop thinking about what's on the exam? I've been studying for a class about materials and I actually have started to "see" the quantum mechanical structure of the materials all around me. I think that's a sign that I'm almost ready for the exam. I keep looking around and asking myself what kind of structure does this material have? Is it an alloy, a ceramic, a... blah de blah blah? Is it strong, ductile, brittle? Is it crystalline/noncrystalline? You get the picture.
Yesterday, I posted about getting up after going through a rough time. I wanted to point out that it's probably one of the most difficult things one can do. Especially after a hard fall. But getting up after a fall can be one of the most rewarding things one can do as well. Out of the most difficult experiences often come great things.
The excitement of being back in school for me still has not lost its touch. The excitement of being out of the hospital is still very real and tangible. I am blessed each day that I move forward and learn to let go of the past. I don't take the ability to concentrate and study for granted.
I have been wondering why letting go is so hard. Why is letting go so arduous?
I think it is because it requires a lot for us to move forward and let go. We have to realize that we are stuck in the past and that with God's help, we can move forward. I don't necessarily know what it will look like for me to completely move forward, but I know I'm on my way to a bright future. I know I am moving forward each and every day. And that means more than words can say.
We also have to realize that the past is in the past and that we are not defined by our past. The past is over and done with. And we are free to move forward into the wonderful plans God has for us.
Amen.
Monday, September 16, 2013
I'm a Dreamer
Today has been an incredible day. By today, I mean yesterday. I am writing this post on Sunday night but posting it tomorrow, which is today. How many people are confused?
I'm sorry for any confusion but I wanted to write this while I am still "in the moment."
Anyways, I want to tell you that today has been an awesome day because I decided that I am reapplying to PhD programs across the country. I came to this decision because of my ongoing stability on the medications I'm taking. I've been out of the hospital for 5 months and 5 days. It's also 3 and a half weeks into the semester and I'm not stressed out even though I'm taking an overload of courses. My stress level is at a healthy level- enough to make me do my work and study, but not enough to trigger my PTSD, bipolar and schizophrenia.
My point being... I am ready to make my dream of receiving a PhD happen.
I say this because I think many people give up on their dreams because things happen. As my calculus teacher in high school said, "Sith happens." Yes, Blogger, I spelled it right. Thank you very much. I think we all know what my professor was trying to say.
Last semester, I had four hospitalizations. I remember in my fourth hospitalization, the doctors, nurses and techs told me to withdraw from school. They told me not to take F's. They thought there was no way to pass my classes after missing nearly 6 weeks. Well, I worked my butt off the last two weeks of school and received an A, B and B+. What others thought was impossible was possible, because of my stubbornness and resilience. If I had listened to the nay-sayers, I often wonder where I'd be.
Last semester was chaotic, scary and all-out the hardest semester of my life, but I made it through because at the end of the day, I was resilient and never gave up. To me, withdrawing wasn't even an option. So I pushed on ahead.
Now, as I pick myself up, I am moving forward and fulfilling the dream I've had since I was in my first year of college.
Never give up. Go for your dreams. Go for the goals God has set in your head. Don't let circumstances ruin your dreams. You never know where your dreams will take you...
I'm sorry for any confusion but I wanted to write this while I am still "in the moment."
Anyways, I want to tell you that today has been an awesome day because I decided that I am reapplying to PhD programs across the country. I came to this decision because of my ongoing stability on the medications I'm taking. I've been out of the hospital for 5 months and 5 days. It's also 3 and a half weeks into the semester and I'm not stressed out even though I'm taking an overload of courses. My stress level is at a healthy level- enough to make me do my work and study, but not enough to trigger my PTSD, bipolar and schizophrenia.
My point being... I am ready to make my dream of receiving a PhD happen.
I say this because I think many people give up on their dreams because things happen. As my calculus teacher in high school said, "Sith happens." Yes, Blogger, I spelled it right. Thank you very much. I think we all know what my professor was trying to say.
Last semester, I had four hospitalizations. I remember in my fourth hospitalization, the doctors, nurses and techs told me to withdraw from school. They told me not to take F's. They thought there was no way to pass my classes after missing nearly 6 weeks. Well, I worked my butt off the last two weeks of school and received an A, B and B+. What others thought was impossible was possible, because of my stubbornness and resilience. If I had listened to the nay-sayers, I often wonder where I'd be.
Last semester was chaotic, scary and all-out the hardest semester of my life, but I made it through because at the end of the day, I was resilient and never gave up. To me, withdrawing wasn't even an option. So I pushed on ahead.
Now, as I pick myself up, I am moving forward and fulfilling the dream I've had since I was in my first year of college.
Never give up. Go for your dreams. Go for the goals God has set in your head. Don't let circumstances ruin your dreams. You never know where your dreams will take you...
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Something's Gotta Give
I posted about my love/hate relationship with my medications a long time ago, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
One of the major side effects of taking my medications is a memory deficit. In college, when I was off the meds, I could memorize 60 pages of notes in 2 hours or so, verbatim. Now, on the meds, I need to study for about 15 hours to get the same effect. And even then I still struggle. I can look over a page once and completely forget what it said. That's not normal for me. And it's frustrating.
Now I know that people probably don't think that I have a photographic memory when I'm off the meds, but I do. At least a form of it. Some people with schizophrenia have been found to have great memory, even photographic. I even had a professor in college ask if I had photographic memory. One semester, I got 11 100's on exams and was working 3 part time jobs, so I barely studied. I also scored in the 99th percentile for perceptual reasoning skills (visual) on the IQ test last year.
Now my point is not really that I have photographic memory when I'm off the meds so I'm not going to belabor that, but my point is that sometimes something has to give if we want to survive.
It was really nice having a great memory, especially in school, but if I want to survive and be stable and out of the hospital, then I have to take my medications, along with the side effects. I have come to the realization that I can either be schizophrenic with really good memory or I can be stable and out of the hospital.
Giving up my great memory in order to be stable has been one of the hardest things I feel like God is calling me to do.
The reason I do love my medications is that I've been out of the hospital for 5 months and I am able to function and be healthy. I am nowhere near where I was last semester. Can I just say that again? I've been out of the hospital for FIVE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo! And that is mostly due to the medications.
Stability beats instability. Stability beats chaos and paranoia and psychosis.
So I am still taking the medications.
One of the major side effects of taking my medications is a memory deficit. In college, when I was off the meds, I could memorize 60 pages of notes in 2 hours or so, verbatim. Now, on the meds, I need to study for about 15 hours to get the same effect. And even then I still struggle. I can look over a page once and completely forget what it said. That's not normal for me. And it's frustrating.
Now I know that people probably don't think that I have a photographic memory when I'm off the meds, but I do. At least a form of it. Some people with schizophrenia have been found to have great memory, even photographic. I even had a professor in college ask if I had photographic memory. One semester, I got 11 100's on exams and was working 3 part time jobs, so I barely studied. I also scored in the 99th percentile for perceptual reasoning skills (visual) on the IQ test last year.
Now my point is not really that I have photographic memory when I'm off the meds so I'm not going to belabor that, but my point is that sometimes something has to give if we want to survive.
It was really nice having a great memory, especially in school, but if I want to survive and be stable and out of the hospital, then I have to take my medications, along with the side effects. I have come to the realization that I can either be schizophrenic with really good memory or I can be stable and out of the hospital.
Giving up my great memory in order to be stable has been one of the hardest things I feel like God is calling me to do.
The reason I do love my medications is that I've been out of the hospital for 5 months and I am able to function and be healthy. I am nowhere near where I was last semester. Can I just say that again? I've been out of the hospital for FIVE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo! And that is mostly due to the medications.
Stability beats instability. Stability beats chaos and paranoia and psychosis.
So I am still taking the medications.
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