The Ultimate Lifesaver

“Faith is an integral part of the movement through fear, and faith is the leap we make into the unknown, even when we’re not so sure about the light.”

-Jeff Golliher, Moving Through Fear

Some may ask how I could put my faith in something I cannot see. When attacks and disasters occur, I often am asked how I could trust a God that allows bad things happen to good people. How could I believe that something or someone truly cares about each one of us if they allow such horrible, awful things?

I have survived years of severe abuse, neglect, and homelessness. I lost my oldest brother and grandfather to suicide. I struggle every single day with schizoaffective disorder and relive my past traumatic experiences through flashbacks and nightmares due to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Trust me when I say that I have often questioned God, but He has proven over and over that He does care, even though He has allowed awful things to happen to me.

The only reason I am still living and why I am still fighting through each day is my faith and trust in God.

Having faith means putting our trust in God, even in the midst of great suffering. In those moments when our lives are shattered. In those moments of frustration and anger. In those moments when we do not know how or if we will move forward. In those moments when we do not know how we can piece together the million shattered pieces of our life.

Faith is not letting our circumstances ruin our lives. Faith is not allowing our fears and doubts destroy our lives. Faith is putting our hope and trust in God, even when He seems distant or that He's ignoring us. Faith is finding the light in the darkness.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, 

the evidence of things not seen.”

-Hebrews 11:1 (KJV)

As I look back on my life, I am amazed at how God has guided me and strengthened me. It is so evident that He has been and still is intricately piecing my life together. He helps me every day to pick up the pieces and help me cope with my past. He was there when I was abused, neglected, and homeless. He is with me every time I have a flashback or nightmare. He helps me through my paranoia and psychotic episodes.

Being a scientist, engineer and mathematician, I often look for evidence to support a hypothesis or a claim I have made. In the same way, I constantly look for evidence of God in my life. His love and light are so evident in my life that anyone could tell me there is no God and I would not believe it.

When I was 6 years old, I was left home alone with the stove accidentally left on. I went all around the house, trying to figure out how to stop the fire or how to get outside the house, but I ended up having to call 911. The firemen said that if I had called any later, I probably would have died in the housefire.

When I was 20 years old, I attempted suicide and the police told me that I was very close to dying. Not only that, but I very narrowly escaped a severe spinal cord injury due to numerous fractured vertebrae in my spine. It was really difficult to pick myself up after such a serious attempt, but I thank God every day that I am still alive.

Growing up, I watched everyone else in my family get involved with drugs and alcohol. I watched each of my family members be arrested for dealing drugs or abusing drugs or alcohol at various points during my childhood and teenage years. At the age of 24, I can say that I have never done drugs or drank alcohol. I also have never been arrested.

The most recent event in which I really saw God’s provision in my life was when I was at the lake a few months ago. I had just gotten off the phone with my mother, in which we had a very serious conversation. My anxiety was running very high, so I went to the lake to debrief and calm down. When I got to the lake, I saw a white bird and immediately, I felt the anxiety wash away. Over the next few weeks, I saw many white birds and when I did, my anxiety was always calmed. Eventually, though, my psychosis started. I followed a flock of white birds to the hospital. No joke. I followed them the entire way. When I finally got to the hospital, my body started to shut down. I became catatonic and did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. I still do not know how I got to the hospital, except that I followed those white birds. They literally saved my life. I shudder to think of what would have happened if I had not followed them when I did. Even the doctors were surprised about how I got to the hospital.

If you take anything away from this blog, I want you to know that we can put our faith in God because He will never leave us or forsake us. He was there with you in your mother’s womb and He will be with you at your last breath. We serve a God who never abandons us. No matter how distant he may seem, He is there for you. Always was and always will be.

Many of you know that I love music and that music helps me to cope with stuff. Well forgive me, but I am going to end this post with a Justin Bieber song (yeah, I know...). But the chorus of this song actually relates to how life can sometimes feel with God. Sometimes it may feel like we are drowning in the chaos and twists and turns of life, but God is our ultimate lifesaver.

I'm overboard and I need your love, pull me upI can't swim on my own, it's too muchFeels like I'm drowning without your loveSo through yourself out to me, my lifesaver-Justin Bieber, Overboard lyrics

I Am Tired Of: A Reflection on Mental Illness

I am not ashamed of saying that I have a mental illness.

I am tired of being treated differently because of my mental illness. It is something that is very difficult to control, but that does not make it right to treat me differently than any other human being. I am, after all, a human being.

I am tired of people treating mental illness differently than physical illness. My mental illness is a chronic and sometimes debilitating illness caused by issues in the brain. My brain causes me to have hallucinations when the signals are not working correctly. Just because my illness causes me to act "crazy" sometimes does not give others the right to mock me, make fun of me or ignore me.

I am tired of people avoiding me because of my mental illness. I wish more people approached me and asked me questions instead of avoiding me. The avoidance of others causes me to become more lonely which leads to depression. My mental illness is something I struggle with, but it does not define me. It is not who I am; it is merely a part of my life.

I am tired of people with mental illness being negatively portrayed in the media. Not every person with mental illness acts out or wants to hurt others. Personally, I have volunteered thousands of hours for various organizations and charities. I have dedicated my life to helping others and making a difference in this world.

I am tired of people with mental illness being stuck in hospitals and state mental institutions. People with mental illness have just as much to offer this world as people without mental illness. I make this point because I was recently almost placed in a state mental institution. I do not think that hospitals and state mental institutions are the answer to everyone who has mental illness. Though I have a very serious mental illness, I have a lot to offer this world.

I am tired of people with mental illness being seen and treated as "crazy" simply because others are ignorant. As someone who struggles with mental illness, I have come across this. People avoid me or mock me because they just do not know about mental illness. It hurts. I am not crazy. I am someone who has a brain that does not always work the way it was supposed to.

I am tired of others seeing the negativity of mental illness instead of the positive aspects of it. Even though it is very difficult to live with mental illness, I see many positive aspects of living with mental illness. I have an insane amount of creativity and I come up with solutions to problems all the time. I am very talented in music and art.

I am tired of people thinking that the struggles that many people with mental illness go through are their fault. Many people with mental illness are homeless, not by their own choice, but because it is difficult for them to hold a job. Medications are expensive. Even when taking medications, sometimes the mental illness can be resistant to the medications. Being mentally ill is not a choice. It's something that millions struggle with.

I am tired of stigmas stopping people from getting the help they should. Many times, it is a battle even to get the treatments necessary to heal and move forward. People may look upon seeking therapy as a weakness, but I believe that some of the strongest and healthiest people in our world are those who go to therapy. Getting the necessary treatments should not be looked down upon.

I am tired of people with mental illness being ashamed to speak out against the stigmas or to speak about what it is like to live with mental illness. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. It is something to be embraced. Everyone with mental illness deserves to be loved, appreciated, accepted and cared for. We deserve the same rights as those who do not have mental illness.

Each day, people with mental illness struggle to live. It is a constant battle, especially with those who do not understand what it is like to live with mental illness. I hope that those without mental illness take the time to try to understand what having mental illness is like. A lot of good can come out of all the storms in life.

Fear into Hope, Darkness into Light

Fear.

Though it's a four-letter word, it carries with it a ton of meaning. This past week, our nation has been shocked by events that have caused fear to run through our veins, the very essence of who we are as a society and a nation.

Some fear is healthy and necessary. Lately, due to my numerous hospitalizations, I was fearful of losing my position at work due to my absence and my inability to complete all the work. That fear was healthy, in the fact that it allowed me to be prepared when I ended up losing my position this past week. Because I had mentally prepared for the loss of my job, I was better able to handle the loss emotionally.

However, the fear that has been instilled in so many of our lives after the attacks this week is, I believe, unhealthy. I believe that we should not have to live in a world in which we are afraid to go to the movies, go to school, or even run a marathon.

How do we pick ourselves up from these attacks which instill so much fear in us? How do we move forward to become a more peaceful nation and world?

I believe that it begins with each one of us.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; 

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

I believe that in order to move forward, we need to remember who our Creator is and though these attacks are becoming more frequent, we serve a God who is in control. He is more powerful than we can imagine. We can trust in Him through any attacks, whether on a personal or national level. I do not have the answers to why God would allow these attacks to happen, but what I do know is that God hurts with us, He was and is not absent, that He wants us to heal and is there for us as we heal.

Personally, I have put a lot of trust in God these past few days, having lost my job. I fully trust that He will lead me to where I need to go and what I need to do. I believe that this is not only applicable to my own life, but to all of our lives and our nation as a whole. No matter what, we need to trust God.

As someone who lives with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder, I often live in panic. I have a lot of fear not only during my nightmares and flashbacks, but also of when I will have the next one. On top of that, I have been having psychotic episodes due to schizoaffective disorder. At the onset of the psychotic episodes, I become very paranoid. I live in a state of fear that everyone is talking about me and conspiring to get rid of me.

Living in a state of fear all the time is not how God intends us to live. Just like it would be insane and unhealthy for Boston to have a complete shutdown all the time, it is unhealthy for us to be in such a state of fear that we emotionally and mentally have a complete shutdown.

That's just not how we are meant to live.

I believe that the peace in our world begins with each one of us. It involves praying for those who are in the affected areas of all the disasters and attacks. It involves donating blood or signing up to be an organ donor. It involves showing others the love of God and that the God we serve is not part of these attacks or disasters. It involves moving forward from these attacks in such a way that the fear doesn't rule our lives or our nation. We cannot give fear control.

We serve a God who heals. We serve a God who protects. We serve a God who picks us up. We serve a God who loves us unconditionally. We serve a God who is there each step of the way during recovery. We serve a God who is not just a God in the sky but One who is with us and within us.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear."

-1 John 4:18a (NIV)

My prayer is that through each of us, God's love and light shines brightly to those around us. Whether or not you are in Boston, you can make a difference in the world.

In every interaction we have an opportunity to either make someone's day brighter or make it worse. Just this morning, I had an opportunity to make someone's day. I was waiting for the bus and there was a blind man beside me. A few buses came by and I told him which bus number it was after he told me which one he needed to take. When the correct bus came, I told him it was the one and he thanked me. This interaction took a matter of ten minutes, but I was able to help him and show that I cared. I tell this story not to say how great I am, but to show that we cannot just rely on the lawmakers to make our world more peaceful; we need to work together, with each of us playing a role.

How can each of us help each other through this darkness, fear and confusion?

Each of us needs to make the most of every opportunity and interaction to make a difference in this world.

More laws may help us but a more peaceful world honestly and truthfully begins with each one of us. Through us, the light and love of God can shine to make this world more peaceful and hopeful.

A Quenching Disappointment

Last October, I got on my knees and prayed that God would humble me. The next day, I suffered a mild head concussion and fought to recover in the hospital over the next 8 days. Ever since that time, I have faced a series of health issues. I struggled with uncontrollable arm spasms and stuttering at various points in the past few months. Going through all of that has been an incredibly humbling experience. People laughed at me, mocked me, doubted me, and ignored me. I had to continually rely on God for strength, comfort and courage.

My pride took a huge hit today, in a major way. I signed a paper that said I will not be reappointed for the PhD position next year and my employment has been terminated. I was unable to meet the requirements due to all of my hospitalizations and the continual obstacles I have faced.

While I am extremely disappointed about this, I am very excited about what God is going to do in my life and what He currently is doing in my life. To be completely honest, I have been questioning how much getting a PhD was my plan or God’s plan. I have been praying to Him to give me the answer to that question and He has answered.

When we face major disappointments in life, we have a choice to either let the disappoint cripple us or get back on our feet. We can either cave into the difficulties or let God use them to help us and mold us. Since I currently have no funds, I went to the Financial Aid office twice today to ask questions and make a plan for me to complete a Masters in Spring 2014. I have a plan to move forward in a very positive way.

I personally cringe when people say “Now you can go into the workforce and get a real job.” I always cringe to think that I will be stuck in a cubicle day after day on a computer, which is what I have been doing since last August. That is not my idea of a purposeful life. While it may be for some people, I feel like God is calling me to do something different.

People often settle for a job because it pays. But to me, money is not the deciding factor. I detest when I have told people I am a PhD student and they say "You're going to make a lot of money." I believe money should not be a factor. As long as I have enough to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach, I am very happy.

What should matter most in our lives is that we allow God to work in us and through us.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been fascinated with people like Mother Theresa and Princess Diana, who changed the world by simply loving others. In many ways, I have felt called into ministry, but not in the way that most people would think of ministry. I do not feel called to be a pastor. However, I have felt called to minister to people, especially those with disorders and disabilities, through my actions and words. I feel called to spread a message of hope, peace and love. It angers me to no end when everyone focuses on the negative in our world. It frustrates me when people spread a message of hate towards others.

I want to spread the message of the truth, which is that we are all children of God. In being His children, we are all called to love others and we all deserve to be loved, appreciated, and cared for.

Recently, I have had a dream of working for an organization like Engineers Without Borders or Wheels for Humanity. I have also felt called to write a book about my life story and what God has done in my life. I have always prayed for God about when I should write my book and I have decided that I am going to begin to write it in the next few weeks. 

I want to minister to people and help give others hope. Writing on this blog has made me realize that I really do have a message that helps many other people. I want meaning and purpose in my life. I want to change the world in some way for others. I want to spread the message that Jesus is the light in the midst of the darkness of our world.

Even in my discouragement and disappointment, I have an insane excitement for what God is calling me to do and where He will lead me. He is testing my trust in Him, but I cannot wait to see what will happen through me.

Sometimes the difficulties are enormous and it seems like our world is turned upside down, but if we look ahead, we see a bridge to God's greater plan for us. Out of the darkness and chaos, we see the light and the beauty of the road ahead... So we take the first step forward towards the bridge.

Sometimes following God means losing everything that we wanted- our plans. In losing my position as a doctoral student, I feel like the largest part of my plan for my life has been taken away. However, I know that God has something even greater planned.

I often go to my church to play the piano and lately I have been singing the hymn, “Here I Am, Lord.” I wanted to share the chorus, since the words have so much meaning and they have been my prayer for the past few months...

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord? 
I have heard You calling in the night. 
I will go Lord, if You lead me. 
I will hold Your people in my heart.

 -Here I Am lyrics

As anybody who saw me at the beginning of this semester can attest, I was full of pride. I thought I owned the world. Thank God that He has led me through many humbling experiences. The person I was is not who I want to be. Sometimes God leads us into difficult times in order to mold us into who He wants us to be. He has led me through a semester of many humbling obstacles and I have a lot of faith that the humility He has instilled in me will help me in whatever circumstances He leads me into.

As an engineer, I took a course in which we learned about quenching metals. This process involves heating the metal to insanely hot temperatures and then rapidly cooling it. In doing so, it makes the metal very tough and modifies the structure of the metal to increase its usefulness.

I believe in some ways, the obstacles in our lives are like the quenching process. Sometimes God “heats” up our lives by allowing difficulties in our lives. Sometimes we suddenly are thrown into a huge disappointment, in which our plans are uncertain. But in doing so, God molds us to be more tough so that He can use us for His wonderful plans.

Disappointment is ephemeral. Discouragement is temporary. The problem comes when we get stuck in the negative feelings, to the point that we do not pick ourselves up after the battle.

It is in the difficult times when we need to follow God’s lead the most.

No matter where God leads me, I will follow Him…

Will you?

The Synchronization of Change

Lately I have been reading a lot of research papers in order to prepare a paper for one of my classes. The papers have been on various studies that looked at the synchronization and desynchronization of neural signals.

When our neural signals are synchronized and working together, the signals are amplified. However, when the signals are desynchronized, there are a lot of issues, such as disorders like schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s. There is a lot of chaos in desychronization.

I was thinking about this phenomenon on a personal level. When things in my life seem chaotic and my life seems like it is in a million scattered pieces, I don’t function well. Currently, I am trying to integrate the two major parts of my life- the very successful person who has made an impact in the world and the very deeply hurt child who wants to heal. Because my life is kind of split, it has caused a lot of chaos in my life. I believe that with the integration of the parts of my life, my life will, in essence, be amplified. My message of hope and healing to others will be amplified.

I also thought about this with respect to our world as a whole. Watch the news and you are bombarded with news that shows that our world is scattered. People are killed every day, intentionally and unintentionally. People are hurting. People die from hunger and thirst. Women.  Men. Children. Our world as a whole is hurting.

And that is where unity comes in. It is in our unity that we can find peace.

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith;  if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach;  if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”

-Romans 12:4-8 (NIV)

We all have gifts, whether or not you are Christian. We all have talents that we can use to make this world a better place. But it takes each one of us to make this world more peaceful.

I am frustrated with the news. I am frustrated that everywhere I turn, there is bad news. I am frustrated that women are raped, that people are judged incorrectly, that there is not more justice and truth in our world. I am frustrated that our world is not more peaceful. I truly have a dream for a more peaceful nation and world. I have a dream that we will unite, not just as Christians, but as people. I have hope that this every person on this world will feel loved, appreciated and accepted.

It takes each one of us to turn this chaos into beauty.

My question to you is: will you join me?

It does not take much to make someone’s day. A simple smile can make someone’s day. A simple five minute conversation can tell someone that they matter and that you care about them.

If we want the world to change, we must stop the cycle and learn from our past. We need to stop the chaos and the desynchronization in our world. During the learning process, neural signals are strengthened through synchronization and coherence. Response times for various tasks are shortened.

In the same way, we need to look back on all of the negative events in our world and learn from them so that we can not only respond quicker, but that we can use the learning process to move forward into a more peaceful world.

If we really want the world to change, we need to unite. Our signals inside of us need to be synchronized. Our signals towards each other need to be synchronized. I have had enough of the desynchronization and chaos. We need to unite together.

This world needs to change.

Stand Firm in the Silence

“So often I feel as if I’m zipping along, living my life, running hard to do God’s will- and then, out of nowhere, I lose my flow. I hit a spiritual low.”

-Steven Furtick, Greater

Life is not perfect. We are going to face difficult times. We are going to go through obstacles that we never planned. And sometimes we go through periods in our lives when we feel like God is distant and far away.

I know this on a personal level and I am sure you probably do too.

Having those times of God’s silence is normal. As I am not a pastor or a theologian, I am not going to say why we have those times, but I know that most people go through difficult times in their relationship with God.

When I attempted suicide in 2009 and was forced to take a medical leave, God used that time to heal me and our relationship. However, as I went back to school, my relationship with Him started to fade and become distant. It got to the point that one day, I posted on my Facebook that I did not want to hear about God from anyone. I was angry at Him. I almost doubted Him, even after He saved my life.

I believe that these times of God’s “silence” sometimes bring us closer to Him. If everything was perfect, why would we need God?

God can use anything to help us. Slowly but surely, my faith in God became stronger after this period in my life.

Most recently, I have been very close with God, but I have had a lot of setbacks. In the past few months, I have had a couple psychotic episodes which caused me to be hospitalized. During my most recent hospitalization, I felt very distant from God. I did not bring anything with me to the hospital except for my phone, which was taken away, so I had nothing to do. The hospital did not have any Bibles, so I was left with no way to really communicate with God except through prayer. Personally, I felt like everyone was giving up on me, since I had no visitors for the eight days I was there and the doctors were talking about placing me in a state mental institution. The longer I was in the hospital, the less hope I had in my future. I started to question God’s plan for my life.

But even in the times when I feel very distant from God, I know that He is intricately working things out in my life. He is constantly strengthening my faith even through the hard times. It is in those deep and dark times that my faith is tested. It is in those times that I truly have to lean on God to get through because I have no strength left. When I look back on everything I have overcome to get to where I am, I am overwhelmed as I see how God has given me the strength and courage to get through everything.

I believe that He works in all of our lives, whether we are close to Him or not. Whether we are a “good” Christian or not. You do not have to be perfect and without sin in order for God to love you. God loves each of us and He wants the best for us. You don’t have to do anything to receive His strength, grace or mercy. It is freely given. No matter how many times you fall down, flat on your face, He will pick you up.

For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again.

-Proverbs 24:16a (KJV)

After I attempted suicide in 2009, I was told by the doctors that I may have a spinal cord injury and that I may never walk again. This past year, I was training for a half marathon and began to run 6 minute miles. When I run, I feel the presence of God very strongly. When I run, I am constantly reminded of how truly lucky I am that God protected my life and preserved my back. Running is almost a prayer to Him, thanking Him for all that He has done in my life and for protecting me. It is through running that I heal from my past and am drawn to God. I know that God preserved my ability to run because He knew that it would bring me closer to Him. Even when things look so dark, so dreary, so impossible, as if there is no hope left, God is intricately working everything out for our good.

“Maybe one day we’ll see that the greatest setbacks in our lives were actually the greatest setups to seeing God’s glory in places we didn’t even know to look.”

-Steven Furtick, Greater

My hope is that no matter what you are going through or what you’re dealing with, that you have hope that God has a plan. His plans for us are greater than anything we can even imagine.

No matter what, just stand in the firm foundation of God.

Mounting on Wings Like Eagles: My Testimony

"The journey toward greater things is marked with setbacks and real suffering."

-Steven Furtick, Greater

I want to share my story, the story of how God has continually saved my life and helped me through difficulties and hardships. I hope that through sharing my testimony, others will be blessed. Please feel free to share this testimony.

On April 10, 1989, I was born in a hospital in Newark, NJ. For anybody who knows Newark, it is one of the most dangerous parts of New Jersey.

My earliest memory of being abused was when I was 3 years old. I was abused in every way by my father from when I was 3 to 6 years old. Severe abuse. I am not going to tell the details because only a handful of people know them. Just know that it took a lot of strength to survive all of it and I am lucky to be alive.

My mother and father separated when I was 6 years old. On the morning of the last day they were together, I watched my mother being abused to the point that she was almost murdered in front of me. A few months after they separated, I nearly died in a house fire. Thanks to quick thinking, I called 911 at the exact moment that I needed to. The firemen said that if I had called any later, I probably would have died.

Things did not get any better with my father out of the house, though. I was abused by my oldest brother for a few years. Around that time, he started getting into drugs and eventually started dealing them. I have many memories of my mother fighting with him about the drugs. I remember him stealing things in the house. I also remember him selling his beloved train collection in order to get high on drugs.

My mother and father finally were divorced when I was 13 years old. As far as I know, my father went to prison for what he did to me for a little bit, but then he was released.

Soon after the divorce, we moved into a home down the street. This was when I started to be neglected by my mother. She was never home because she started to date a man, who I later found out was a drug dealer. He even tried to get my other brother to deal drugs. I slowly lost my mother to alcoholism.

I was home alone most of the time. I studied extremely hard in school. Around this time, my relationship with God really grew. I covered the walls of my room with Bible verses. I talked with my pastor a lot. She told me that it was not normal for a 13 year old to be home alone and that I belonged in foster care.

I remember going to a beach home with my mother and her boyfriend. Her alcoholism was so apparent. I remember running up to my room, weeping. My mother came in and I said to her “I want my mother back.”

It was around this time that I ran away to a friend’s home in order to try to get into foster care. I could not deal with the family issues any longer. Those around me considered me an "at-risk" teenager. My other brother had left the home earlier due to his own drug addictions. The last straw was when my mother was arrested for a drunk driving accident.

I wanted to move forward. I lived in various homes during that time- different homes of my friends. My mother and I eventually became evicted and homeless. At that point, I wanted nothing to do with her so I went from home to home, wherever I could stay so that I did not have to live on the streets. At one point, we stayed together for a few weeks in a home near the projects in Newark.

What carried me through this time was my faith in God. I read the Bible all the time, listened to worship songs and tried to go to church when I could. I was confirmed and even gave a children’s sermon on Youth Sunday. I went on various mission trips and volunteered with different charities. Worshiping God took my mind off of everything going on at home.

When I first got into high school, I was in remedial science and English classes. However, through determination and hard work, I ended up taking 5 Advanced Placement courses and 2 advanced courses during my senior year, despite being homeless. This was unheard of at my school and many of my peers thought I was crazy. But school was my escape. It was something I became very good at, especially since I focused most of my energy on my schoolwork in order to escape what was going on personally.

My mother and I eventually were reunited halfway through my senior year of high school as we moved into an apartment. Things were really rocky between us since we had reversed roles. A few months after moving into the apartment, my oldest brother committed suicide. He had been addicted to heroin and crack. He was in and out of jails for most of his life, for various things including dealing drugs. I had forgiven him for what he had done to me, so it was very hard to lose him.

His death made everything very hard for my family, especially my other brother, who was dealing with drug abuse and alcoholism. Around the time of my brother’s death, I was accepted into nine colleges and waitlisted from MIT, Columbia and Johns Hopkins. I graduated at the top of my class in high school. Needless to say, I was excited about the prospect of moving away from my family situation.

College was great for the first two years. I did very well, getting straight A’s in an overload of courses. During the summer after my freshman year, I went to another university to do cancer research. In the next summer, I worked at another university on a project that allowed people with spinal cord injury to move their paralyzed arms. But during that summer, I was harassed by my father through email. Even though my parents had divorced, my father still was in my life.

Things got really hard and during my junior year, I attempted suicide. The doctors and police told me I had come very close to death. I narrowly escaped a spinal cord injury. I was forced to take a medical leave. At first I was very upset and disappointed that I had to take the time away from school, but during my time off, my relationship with God really grew. At this time in my life, I finally obtained a restraining order against my father so I have nothing to do with him anymore. I eventually went back to college, finished up and graduated at the top of my class, despite being hospitalized three times during my senior year for suicidal ideation.

I was offered a PhD position last year, of which I have been in since August. I recently had to stop my research due to various recent hospitalizations that I have had. In the past few months, I have had a lot of diagnoses thrown at me- Aspergers, ADD, PTSD, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder. The doctors do not seem to know, but I think my most recent diagnoses of PTSD and schizoaffective disorder are the most accurate.

While my current diagnoses and their symptoms are difficult to deal with, I know that God will carry me through the difficult times ahead. He already has carried me through so much. I am thriving where I am because of His strength and the gifts He has given me, including my creativity. Three of my professors in the past year told me that three separate theories/ideas of mine could win the Nobel Prize if I can prove them experimentally. Though it has been a hard road for me in many ways, I am very thankful for what God has given me.

In sharing my story, I do not want your pity. I do not want you to say you’re sorry I have gone through so much. I want you to see how God has truly carried me through such difficulties. He truly can carry us through anything. I know the difficulties are not ending, but I have a lot of faith and excitement for the future. When my life seems confusing, I always go to God's Word, because it is in the Bible that we find the truth of who we are in God.

I want those who read this blog to know that the words I speak about God are genuine and real. I do not try to sell anything. My faith is real and very important to me and I want to share it with others. I want to share what I learn about God with others. God truly can take our misery and make something beautiful with it and I hope my life testimony is a testament to God's grace and mercy.

Every day is still a struggle but I am still here fighting because God never abandoned me. He never stopped loving me. He never stopped strengthening me. He never stopped molding me into who He wants me to be. He was always there for me, especially in the times when I had no one else. Even in the times when I felt He was silent and absent.

And He does the same for you, no matter what you're going through or have gone through...

But they that wait upon the Lord 

shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)