Blessed in the Rough and Hard Times

“We all long for heaven where God is, but we have it in our power to be in heaven with Him right now, to be happy with Him at this very moment. But being happy with Him now means loving like He loves, helping like He helps, giving as He gives, serving as He serves, rescuing as He rescues, being with Him twenty-four hours a day, touching Him in His distressing disguises.”

-Mother Theresa, No Greater Love

We all go through difficult times. Yesterday, many of us were deeply saddened by the bombings in Boston. As we go through the difficult times, we often wonder the question “Why?” I have often been angry and frustrated at God for allowing me to go through so many difficult times. As I watch the news of such senseless acts that cause despair to so many, I ask God why these things happen.

But what I have come to learn (and I do not have all of the answers) is that God allows those things to happen for purposes that we may never find out on our time here on earth. I may never know why I was abused and neglected for so many years. I may never know why my oldest brother committed suicide. I may never know why I have to relive traumatic experiences through flashbacks multiple times a day. We may never fully understand why there were bombs at the Boston marathon.

I feel called to trust God, even in those difficulties, even in the times when I am unsure of the answers to my questions.

I often tell people that I do not want their pity, because God has blessed me, even through my difficult times. Growing up poor has allowed me to learn to be careful with my money and made me more appreciative of what I do have. Growing up in an abusive home has made the unconditional and genuine love of God more apparent and more meaningful to me than I think it would be without being abused. Growing up in a home in which I watched my family members get arrested for drug abuse, alcoholism and dealing drugs allowed me to gain the motivation to never touch drugs or drink alcohol.

Through each of our struggles, we can find blessings if we look at it from another perspective.

That does not mean it is easy by any means. I still have days in which the memories become so strong that I just want to curl up in a ball and weep. There are days in which I am tempted to become depressed and become more focused on the negative than the positive that God has done in my life. There are still days in which I want to scream at God on a mountaintop, in which I want to yell at God for the difficulties He has allowed me to go through. I want the answers to my questions.

I believe that it is okay to be angry at God. He never promised that our lives would be easy. But what is important is that we do not spend all of our time in that anger and that we move forward, trying to see what good can come out of our struggles and obstacles.

One of the greatest blessings that can come out of our struggles is empathy, the ability to relate to others on a deep level. Empathy usually involves understanding and feeling what the other person is going through in some way that is unattainable if you have not gone through a similar situation.

When I was going through a period of homelessness, I went on a mission trip to help build homes for those who could not afford to pay for a home or to have them fixed. As I worked on building that home, I truly felt and understood the needs of the people whom we were building the home for, since I did not have a home myself. My empathy towards the family whom we were building the home for had a very important meaning to me. I have talked to many people over the years who were going through similar things that I have gone through. Even though I did not fully understand what they were feeling, it was and still is a tremendous blessing to be able to talk from experience.

Through our struggles, we are better able to relate to others.

“I think that if we go to the poor with love, with only the desire to give God to them, to bring the joy of Christ (which is our strength) into their homes, if they look at us and see Jesus and His love and compassion in us, I think the world will soon be full of peace and love.”

-Mother Theresa, No Greater Love

As we heal and recover from the bombings in Boston, I hope that we can focus on the positive instead of the negative. This world is a scary place and evil things happen within it, but we must remember that we serve a genuine, strong, powerful, and loving God. His love can overcome anything we face on this earth. I hope that we can share the love, hope and peace we find in God with those around us, especially in this great time of need. I hope and pray that with negative events like the one yesterday occurring more often, we realize the great need for God in our world today. I hope that we can walk into our future together, bringing peace and love into a world crying out for them.

We may never know why negative things happen in our world, but we do know that God holds this world and that good will overcome.

“Be not overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.”

-Romans 12:21 (KJV)

Let us spread the message of love.

Going Through the Emotions

“The process of metamorphosis is going to hurt. Let it hurt. The more you fight it the longer it takes and the worse the pain seems…Even though change hurts, it is better than living in constant misery and discouragement. Let God do whatever He needs and wants to do in you.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

I am going through a time of metamorphosis in which I am dealing with my past. It is not easy, but sometimes we have to go through difficult times in order to move forward into what God has planned for us.

Sometimes that means feeling the pain and the despair of past hurts and regrets.

Sometimes that means letting God be God and allowing Him to work in us, within us and through us.

Lately, I have had feelings of immense guilt over things that I did in the past, some of which people say is not my fault and that I should not feel any guilt or shame from. However, there is a lot of shame associated with the guilt. I have points in which I feel like an absolute nobody, especially when I remember times when I was not treated well. I realize that I am not worthy of what Jesus did on the cross.

But the truth is that none of us is worthy of the mercy and grace that God has shown us. As much as I want to do good things and love everyone, I will make mistakes and sin. I sin every day. That is what makes Christ’s death on the cross so beautiful and powerful.

A few months ago, I entered intensive treatment for my PTSD. The treatment program was based on prolongued exposure therapy. In order to get into the program, I had a 7-hour long interview session, in which I gave details about my past- the traumatic experiences, the abuse, the neglect, the homelessness, the loss, the drug abuse, etc… All of it.

Prolonged exposure therapy is unique in that it entails going back and going through the trauma detail by detail. I had to go back and deal with the worst times in my life head on, reliving the details. I was unable to continue the treatment since I began to have flooding memories to the point that I could not function.

However, I know that there is a lot of psychological backing to the idea that if you want to overcome negative feelings, sometimes you need to go through them and live in them. You need to feel in order to move forward. It doesn’t mean that we should feel those negative feelings all the time. I would not be able to function if I lived in my flashbacks all the time. Currently, I have about 10 a day and that makes it somewhat difficult to function. But it does mean feeling them completely, not running away from the hurt, the pain, the obstacles, the struggles.

As difficult as it was for me to go through the interview, it was very empowering to speak about what I went through in order to get to where I am. I have tried my whole life to hide my past from most people. I did not invite friends over to my house so that they wouldn't see the alcoholism in my family or the fact that I was poor. But in trying to hide such a big part of what makes me who I am, I internalized the shame. Now I am slowly picking up those pieces and trying to make sense of my past so that I can move forward.

I do not know about you but if someone tells me not to think about something, I usually end up thinking about that thing more. So by going through the negative emotions and feelings, sometimes it helps us to truly deal with them.

In her book, Joyce Meyer mentions some of her difficulties in her childhood, of which I can relate and I believe that many others can. Some of us have had difficult childhoods. Mine was full of terror and I had to fight through many obstacles even to survive. In many ways, I feel as though I grew up much quicker than anyone should have to.

Although we cannot change the past, we need to deal with our past so that it does not ruin the future that God has for us.

“I saw that I could not do anything about what I had lost, and I started looking at what I had left. For one thing, I had the rest of my life, and so do you. Even if the years you have lived weren’t pleasant, you still have your future.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

This is not easy. I personally am working on reconciling the various parts of my life so that I can be whole. I have been extremely successful academically and in various other areas of my life, but at the same time, I am constantly reliving the worst times of my childhood. I am a 24 year old 80% of the time and an abused, neglected, hurt, and frightened little girl the other 20% of the time. Who I am is torn. The feelings I feel are shattered and conflicting. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I have often told people that I feel as though I'm living two lives. Being bipolar does not help things as my emotions constantly cycle from being very excited about life to being very depressed.

But God brings peace and calm into my chaotic life every day, as He tells me the truth. I am amazed every day at how awesome God truly is.

Though it’s difficult, I take life one day at a time, hoping and praying for wholeness. I feel that we are all called to move forward, no matter how difficult things get. This too shall pass...

I want to leave off with a song that speaks about taking life one day at a time and learning to breathe.

The Goodness and Grace of God

“The valleys of life are unavoidable. But even though we must all pass through them, they don’t have to be valleys of fear. They don’t have to destroy us. There can be encouragement and peace in the valleys of life. The truth is we encounter God in those places in a way that is closer and clearer than at any other time in our lives.”

-Dr. Mac Brunson, Paralyzed by Fear or Empowered by Hope

We all have times of struggle. Times of pain. Times of grief. Times when we just want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours.

Many people know that I have been through many trials and tribulations throughout my life. Many people have told me that I have been through more in my 24 years than most people go through in a lifetime. There has not been one easy phase in my life. People who know the deepest and darkest points in my life have said that my story is one of, if not, the worst stories they have ever heard.

And yet, I love my life. God has worked in my life and drawn me very close to Himself through my struggles.

As I blogged about a few days ago, I am not doing any research anymore. This has left me in a financial bind, since I was being paid for my research. However, I trusted that God would provide and He did. I trust that God will provide me with the discernment in His purposes for me.

“In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

-John 16:33b (KJV)

Even in my current phase of uncertainty, I have a lot of faith that God will lead me to what He wants me to do with my life. God has plans for us that we cannot even imagine. I honestly feel like I should be really anxious right now, but I’m not. I have put my trust in God and I am excited to see what He has in store for me.

During my most recent psychotic episode, I kept reciting Bible verses. I recited the Lord’s prayer over and over. I know firsthand that when we recite Scripture in our greatest times of fear and confusion, God will bless us and heal us. It was in those times when I recited Scripture that I felt comforted even in my frightening psychosis.

I do not know when or if I will have my next psychotic episode. The last one was resistant to medication, so there is a possibility that I may have another one. But I am actually not afraid. I trust that God will help me to get through it if it comes, since He has helped me get through two episodes already. The enemy wants us to live in fear. He wants us not to trust in God. He wants us to stop reading and reciting Scripture. But the truth is that we have the power to either spend our lives in fear and doubt, or spend our lives trusting God and be filled with peace and hope. It is through trusting in Him that we find ultimate healing and comfort.

“No matter how bad our circumstances may be God will ultimately bring good out of them. That never changes. We change our minds, but God does not. Our moods shift, but God does not. Our devotion wanes, but God’s devotion never falters. We have the ultimate security in knowing that one thing will never change: God is good.”

-Dr. Mac Brunson, Paralyzed by Fear or Empowered by Hope

I know firsthand that God truly can bring good out of our most difficult times. Even though I have been through many painful things in my life, I feel like one of the most blessed people on earth. God has provided me with wisdom and a testimony of His grace and mercy. God has provided me with encouraging people to help me on my journey. God has provided for me time and time again when I did not know how to keep moving forward. God has filled me with His strength, hope and peace which surpass all understanding.

It is in our deepest points when we meet God and hear from Him more clearly.

This is why I believe that our struggles and obstacles in our lives can be turned into great blessings.

I’m going to admit that I have asked God why He has allowed so many awful things to happen in my life. I have asked Him if He really cares about me. I have yelled at Him, full of frustration and anger. But He continues to help me on the journey, on the path He has called me to take. When I look back on my life and see all the difficult things that God has carried me through, I thank Him. I would not be here if it were not for His strength and guidance.

This life is not easy, but if we trust God and let Him work in our lives, we never truly know what He is going to do or where He will lead us.

One thing is for sure: He will never leave us nor forsake us.

Beauty in the Terrifying

Their voices are as clear as I heard them years ago. I have not talked to some of them in many years.

“She lied about everything.”

“That  never happened.”

Did everything in my past really happen?

I am wrapped under the white hospital sheet. The doctors come in and ask me a few questions. It is no use when I am in this state, but I talk to them briefly.

People are after me. I believe the police implanted something in my ear so I can hear the voices of people I haven’t talked to in years. They want to get rid of me. They want to torture me.

I curl myself under the sheet. I do not want to talk to anyone. I yell in my head that I did not lie, that everything that I am dealing with and have dealt is real.

I decide to go out of my hospital room to the day room. On my way, I see another patient doing a puzzle. From far away, it looks like a puzzle I did a few years ago.

“I did that puzzle!”, I exclaim.

“Really? This exact one?” the other patient asks, as he holds up the puzzle.

I realize that it is not the same puzzle.

“Sometimes things are not always what they seem,” I said.

I start talking to the other patients. I believe that everyone is someone I used to know. I believe that everyone is in a conspiracy to kill me. I do not want to eat the hospital food, because I think they are poisoning me. I believe that the people on the TV are talking about me, telling everybody around the world not to care about me.

At one point, I believe that my oldest brother, Mike, faked his suicide and that he is still alive.

It is hard to believe that a week ago, I was working on a project involving Einstein’s theory of relativity and quantum physics.

Terror and confusion invade my mind.

As I begin to take the medications, the voices start to fade away. I begin to realize that the people at the hospital are trying to help me and that they really are not trying to kill me. I talk to a nurse about my psychotic state and she tells me that it’s unusual that I remember everything from when I was psychotic. Sometimes I wish I could forget my psychotic episodes because they are very traumatic and terrifying. I also realize that my brother is gone, something that is very difficult for me to deal with.

My psychosis is something that is uncontrollable, except with medication. My last psychotic episode was medication resistant, though. Therapy is helpful but not when I am having hallucinations.

Even in my psychosis, God can do  and has done amazing things. As I emerged from my psychosis in my ninth hospitalization, the first thing I wanted to do was read the Bible and tell others about my life story. I have to say that I have never seen so many people reading their Bibles in a hospital psychiatric unit. The other patients and doctors watched me emerge from two days of not eating, not talking, and not sleeping to someone who was wide awake and telling of all the wonderful things God has done in my life.

Never doubt what God can do in your darkest times.  God gave me a huge opportunity to bring others to Him even in one of the worst times of my life.

I love to share my testimony even in the most difficult times because people see firsthand what God is doing. I have had many people in the hospitals tell me that I inspired them to go back to church or read their Bible. It’s not through my own strength that I am able to share my testimony. It is only through God’s strength that I am still here and that I am able to share my story.

God can truly use each of us, in no matter what situations we are in, to make a difference in the lives of others. God can take any situation and make it beautiful. He can be glorified in any interaction we have with others.

“Stop trying to escape the inevitability of sufferings and learn to benefit from them.”

-Barry C. Black, The Blessing of Adversity

We are going to go through difficult times. Loved ones will pass away. Natural disasters will happen. Relationships will struggle. But the one constant thing we always will have in those difficult times is our hope and faith in God. We can always hold on to the hope that God can turn the situations around. We have hope that he can take the deepest and darkest parts of our lives, shine His light on and in them and transform them into something absolutely beautiful.

I wanted to share a song that was on replay this morning. It is about finding our hope in God even in the rough times.

Transforming the Scars

“Only Jesus can make these scars beautiful. Only he can give meaning to them and bring healing to the hurt that lies behind them.”

-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound: Scars that Heal

There are a lot of difficult things going on in my life as I deal with emotional and mental scars from painful things I have endured throughout my life. There is so much power in the words above.

God truly can take our scars- anything that haunts us or harms us- and turn them into something beautiful. That is exactly what Jesus did on the cross. He was scarred so much that the scars were countless, and yet, a lot of healing and powerful things came from his death on the cross.

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” 

–Isaiah 53:5 (KJV)

I am not going to lie. It is really difficult to deal with scars. But with God’s strength, we can do anything. I truly believe that God will take this difficult point in my life and do something incredibly powerful through it. He already has transformed me in many ways.

A few weeks ago, my physical symptoms (the spasms and stuttering) stopped but I have had bouts of flooding memories. When this happened, I had countless memories of my childhood-some very negative, some very positive. However, sometimes the flooding memories become uncontrollable.

I have had even more repressed memories surface from years of abuse I endured as a child. Needless to say, it is very rough. I have a ton of scars that still need to be healed. I believe that God knows I am strong enough now to work through those memories and heal. I have a lot of hope that I will get through this point in my life and emerge an even stronger person.

I believe that everyone has some sort of scar that they carry. Some people have many. Everyone has some deep hurt. I am here to say that no matter what scars you are dealing with, God truly can transform that hurt into something beautiful. I hope that my life can be a testimony to how God truly can heal us from the deepest and darkest hurts.

Life is not about being perfect. It is not about doing everything according to plan. Currently, I am dealing with the fact that my dream of getting a PhD is going to be put on hold for now so that I can focus on healing. It is very difficult for me to deal with that, but honestly, I know that God has something great in mind. He has a great plan for each of us. I know there is a reason for everything.

We have to put our trust in God, knowing that He has our best interests at heart and that He has something great planned for each of us.

I am going to admit that it is really difficult to put our full trust in something greater that we cannot see. But let me also tell you that it makes life easier to deal with when you trust God. When you trust in God, it is much easier not to worry because you know that no matter what comes your way, He will be there guiding you all the way. There is a ton of comfort in knowing that He’s got your back and He’s not going to abandon you.

Let God transform your scars. Let Him make something beautiful out of the most painful and deep parts of your life. It’s not easy but it is definitely very powerful and encouraging.

I want to leave this post with one of the most powerful skits I have ever seen that shows how Jesus can help us overcome the negative things in our lives and how He can transform our lives.

Compassionate Letter #2

Something that has been therapeutic for me is something that I recently started doing. I write compassionate letters to myself as if I am writing to someone else who is going through what I am going through. It is very helpful because sometimes it's easier to comfort someone else more than myself. I wanted to share my most recent letter in hopes that it may help someone else.

I know that you are going through a difficult phase in your life right now. I am sorry that you have to go through this but keep trusting in God.

I know that your life is heading in a different direction than you planned and that you are coming to terms slowly with this, but continue to hold onto the promises of God.

Sometimes when something does not work out like you planned, God has something better in store. So do not worry. Throw your worries out the window and be filled with trust. Look at how God has carried you through so many obstacles. Why would He abandon you now?

He won't.

God will be there for you every second of your life journey. He has carried you through worse situations.

I know that you are upset and are dealing with many obstacles but God is your comforter. He can heal you. He may not heal you physically or mentally or in a way that you wish, but He can heal you in ways that you never could have even imagined.

God will never let you go or give up on you, even when it seems like everybody in your life is giving up on you. Find your strength in Him. Find your courage to get through this in the shadow of his wings. With Him, you will thrive and rise above these storms, as you have done in the past.

Yearn for God's presence. Be still and know that He is always with you and He never abandons you. Continue to find blessings in the little things of life- in the sunsets, the birds and the butterflies.

God created them and He created you. You are His precious child and though it may seem like He is distant or does not care, He cares more for you than anyone on this earth will ever care for you. You are extremely precious and beautiful in His eyes. Do not let disappointments and discouragements distract you from this truth.

I know this is a scary and confusing time for you, but know that God is there for you. He always was, always is, and always will be.

Let God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit cleanse you, refresh you and calm the raging storms within yoursoul. Find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know that you struggle with feelings of guilt, but know that you are forgiven by God. He has already forgiven you for the past. He wants you to be fully in the present. He wants you to forgive those who you need to forgive- those with which you harbor anger. Don't let the anger and the guilt overrule your life. Step into the light and love of God.

Let God heal you and transform your life. Don't hold onto the past. Hold onto hope. The hope that you can only find in God. Hold onto strength. Hold onto courage. Hold onto the outstretched hands of God, waiting to embrace you and comfort you through this difficult time.

Just Keep Moving Forward

In the past two days, I received some difficult news but I am very hopeful. 

Yesterday, on the morning of my 24^th birthday, I received a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This was pretty rough to take in because it is one of the most severe mental illnesses. It is the combination of schizophrenia and bipolar I disorder.

I was released yesterday from my tenth hospitalization in the past seven years. Since I moved to Florida last August, I have had multiple health issues and complications, including a head concussion, dystonic reaction (spasms and stuttering), bouts of physical symptoms, and two psychotic breakdowns.

During my psychosis, I am completely disabled. I hear voices and see things that are not there. I do not want to talk to anyone because I believe they can read my mind. I completely lose touch with reality. My psychosis is very difficult for me to handle because it is terrifying. I believe everybody is out to kill me. A lot of my delusional thinking is based off of my post traumatic stress disorder. Put simply, I do not function.

Which brings me to the news of where I am going from here.

The news is that I probably am not getting a PhD. Well at least for now. I am going to try to get a Masters by next fall. I will not continue with any research so that I have time to heal.

This news is quite difficult to take in, but at the same time, it is extremely relieving to me. The only thing that is unclear at the moment is my financial situation, but I am believing and trusting God. At this time in my life, I really need to work on my healing process, especially with the onset of the schizoaffective disorder. Not having the pressures of research will allow me to take time to really take care of myself.

One of the things I really hope to do is make people more aware of mental illness. The stigmas are very challenging to overcome. If someone has a stroke or a heart attack, people are much more supportive usually of them than someone in and out of hospitals with a mental illness. I think most people do not understand that mental illness is just as much a physical problem as any physical illness. People treat it differently. But it's not that different. My brain literally goes haywire. The chemicals are messed up. I take medications, but my mental illness is something I deal with every single day.

I believe that many people with mental illness, with the correct medications and treatment, can live healthy and productive lives. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to deal with my mental illness for the rest of my life. It’s not something that can be cured. It’s something I just deal with and keep moving forward. I’ve had a lot of issues with my medications especially since my disorders seem to be resistant to medication. But I just keep pressing on.

Sometimes God changes the directions of our lives. Sometimes it looks bad. Sometimes it looks really good. But we have to keep trusting Him. I have a lot of faith that everything will work out. I know that God will lead me to where I need to go once I get my Masters. Sometimes what looks really scary or is full of unknowns is really a huge blessing from God. I don't know where God will lead me from here, but I will keep moving forward.