The Light Shines in the Darkness

Through my photography, drawing, and writing, I continually draw closer to God. I recently started writing in three journals. By far, the one that has the most writing in it is the one in which I write down my thoughts and things I am learning about God. I bought a 5 subject notebook for this journal two and a half weeks ago, and I am already on the third subject. I write letters to Him. I write down everything I feel, prayers, my frustrations… my truth.

It is through my expressions that I keep coming back to the truth of my life testimony. Many people who have met me through the years know that I have struggled and overcome tremendous odds to get to where I am. Many of these people only see the surface parts of my story- the homelessness, the struggles with anxiety- but so many do not know the deepest and darkest points of my life.

Something that has confused many people is the fact that somebody could go through so much and still be fighting. It’s not by my own strength, that’s for sure. If it was only by own strength, I would have been gone many years ago.

One of my favorite quotes that come to my mind during times when I feel as if I am in a pit is this one:

“There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.” –Corrie Ten Boom

Corrie Ten Boom is well-known for helping many Jews escape the Holocaust. Something that hit me is that people sometimes deny that the Holocaust ever occurred. And it also hit me recently that maybe people do not want to believe that the most unimaginably painful things in life actually happen or that bad things are still happening today, because they do not want to believe it. They’d rather believe it is a lie than believe that bad things happen.

During my recent hospitalization, I was drawing a sunset in order to alleviate my stress. Sunrises and sunsets have always brought tremendous relief to me… just the absolute beauty of God’s creation. I sat at a table, drawing the sunset and someone came up behind me and looked at it. They said “Wow… I never would have believed it if I didn’t see it in front of my own two eyes.”

It hit me today that so many people in our world are like that with our faith in God. Many people assume that if they cannot see God with their own physical eyes, then He must not be there. But I can tell you the truth in the statement that nothing is impossible with God. Our society runs on what is seen. Just think about it. Everywhere we go, we are bombarded by technology, whether televisions, computers, or phones. Face to face conversations are now done between people miles away through applications like Skype. And the quicker our society becomes, the more we lose the ability to see the beauty in the mundane- the beauty in the simplest of things. The things that we see in technology are becoming so complex while the things that have remained the same for thousands of years, like the sun rising are ignored. 

Something that is so powerful for me to think about is that the love of God never changes. Who He is has never changed, even with all of the advances in our society and our world. He is still the same loving, gentle, caring and just God He was in ancient times.

I have spent quite a few nights recently outside just staring up at the stars. The first night I did this was a few weeks ago and I couldn’t remember the last time I had stargazed. As I looked up at the stars, I saw the North Star… you know, the brightest star of them all. As I laid there on the lounge chair, the sky was overcome with clouds. I started to lose sight of the other stars, but even through the fog, I always saw the North Star. Through that simple experience that lasted less than ten minutes, God told me that even when my world becomes cloudy and there is so much fog that I cannot see what is in front of me, He is always going to be there, guiding me and lighting my path.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations;

 I will be exalted in the earth.” 
-Psalm 46:10 (KJV)

God has blessed me with so many ways to express myself as I heal and as I draw closer to Him. As I draw closer to Him, I continually go back to the truth of my past. That's because God is the source of Truth. For as long as evil exists, there will be people who doubt it. But my hope and prayer is that more people see how God can transform that evil into good.

“Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Romans 12:21

It is in those deepest and darkest moments in our lives when we realize the absolute truth that there truly is no pit in this world, no amount of evil, in this world that can silence our God or separate us from God’s love.

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, 

nor life, nor angels, 

nor principalities, nor powers, 

nor things present, nor things to come, 

Nor height, nor depth, 

nor any other creature, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, 

which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 

–Romans 8:38-39 (KJV)

The Power of Prayer

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;

we are perplexed, but not in despair;

Persecuted, but not forsaken;

cast down, but not destroyed;

Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus,

that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.”

-2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (KJV)

This verse just came into my mind when I was praying. I am not going to lie. This morning, I am scared. This morning, I am entering intensive treatment. Those who know me best have asked me this past week if I am ready to do this, if I am prepared to do this. And my answer is yes. Because no matter how scary it is, I know that God will heal me and help me through this.

Quite a few people have asked me if they could put me on prayer lists at their churches. My answer to that is an absolute yes as well.

Why is prayer such an important aspect of my life?

Because it is how I hear God. To me, prayer isn’t necessarily bowing my head or being on my knees. It is being in continual communication with God. It is waking up early and reading His Word. It is opening my ears and eyes to sometimes the subtle messages He sends me (and sometimes He can be very loud).

I have shared this with a few people but last October, I was overcome with an urge to get on my knees and pray. I do not honestly remember the last time I did that. As I prayed, I started to cry and I asked God to take my pride and whatever was not of Him away from me and for Him to transform me into who He wants me to be.

The afternoon of the next day, I suffered a mild concussion and over the next week, I struggled to overcome physical symptoms- stuttering and uncontrollable spasms. I had never had these symptoms in my life before, except for minor tics due to medications.

The doctors were confused. They tried multiple scans, countless medications and nothing helped. My mother said that one night, a doctor came in and prayed for me. My mother said that the doctor told her that sometimes there are things that happen that doctors cannot explain.

The next afternoon, I was talking to my mother and I realized that I could talk clearly again, that the symptoms were gone. I will never forget the expression on the doctor’s face as he came into my room and I was sitting up (something I couldn’t even do during the week).

I do not know why I continue to have these physical symptoms, but what I do know is that prayer works. And having the physical symptoms is one of the most humbling experiences I think I have ever gone through. People have mocked me, rejected me, ignored me and even doubted me. And going through all of this has reminded me that God is my true source of strength, not myself.

I see His answers now to my prayers and have seen how He has answered them all throughout my life. Not always how I wanted Him to, not always when I wanted Him to, but He always answered them. And I know He will continue to answer them. I know from experience that He has more in store for those who trust Him than we could ever imagine.

The Beauty of Humility

My mother recently started texting me a Bible verse every morning. The verse my mom texted me this morning is one that many people know and quote.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

 “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future.” 

– Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Many people know that the season of Lent began last week in preparation for Easter. I have been praying to God about what I should be giving up during this season and His answer has been somewhat difficult but I know it is so true.

He has been telling me to give up trying to get others to understand me. He has been telling me to get rid of my pride and focus on my weaknesses instead so that He can help me through them.

Something that I was thinking about a lot this morning was that in my freshman year of high school, I was placed in several remedial classes because of poor test scores I had received in my last year of middle school. Freshman year of high school, I was in no advanced courses. But I focused on my weaknesses and ended up taking 5 AP courses and 2 advanced courses my senior year of high school.

My peers thought I was absolutely crazy because there were only two other students that I can remember that were taking 5 AP courses in the entire school. Many of them did not know, however, that during this time I was living in a friend’s basement because my family had no home. I had to fight with my school district to stay in my high school because the summer before, I had been living in another town with a relative. They wanted me to attend the high school in that town, which was literally in the ghetto. Needless to say, I wanted to complete high school where I had been going for the past three years. During my senior year, I also lost my oldest brother to suicide.

To say that it was a difficult year is very much an understatement. But God continually has shown that during my times of extreme weakness, uncertainty, and pain, He transforms my weaknesses and gives me the strength to keep moving.

I would not be anywhere near where I am now if it wasn't for His continual strength, comfort and guidance in my life. In fact, I highly doubt I would still be here fighting. People say to me that I am a very strong person, but my strength comes from God. It is not by my own strength or willpower, but the strength of God that I continue to fight.

I have spent many years asking God to take away my pain and frustrated that I have to live with so much pain and through so many obstacles. But lately, even through this time of difficulty, I find myself begging God not to let my time end on this earth before His mission for me is done.

The following verse comes to mind when I think about the plans I have for myself, you know the plans everyone has- get a job, graduate college, get married, have children, get this much money, yada yada…

“A man's heart deviseth his way: 

but the Lord directeth his steps.” 

–Proverbs 16:9 (KJV)

We have so many plans for ourselves and that can create so much unnecessary stress in our lives. It’s when we hand our plans over to God and fully surrender our lives to Him that He can show us the wondrous plans He has in store for us on this earth.

God's Strength in Our Weakness

Many people know that one of my favorite verses which helps me through my difficult times is in 2 Corinthians 12 when Paul says “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I have definitely had a lot of times of weakness over the past few months and throughout my life. We all go through times where we are confused, anxious, upset, hurt, disappointed. We feel weak in our spirit. We feel weak in our knowledge. We feel weak when we compare ourselves and what we have to those around us. During those times, I often ask God “Why is this happening? If you are so loving, then why is this happening to me?” Recently, though, I find myself thanking God even in the midst of the difficult times. I was given a necklace a few years ago with a ring that says "hope" three times. To me, it is a constant reminder that no matter what we are going through, we can always find hope in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Britt Merrick is a pastor who recently addressed how God works in our struggles very nicely in a sermon entitled "When Sparrows Fall." I had a chance to watch it this morning and then again earlier tonight. If you have a chance to watch this sermon, I highly recommend it because he speaks from his own experiences of going through storms.

Britt Merrick- When Sparrows Fall

One of the most powerful points that Britt makes throughout the sermon is that the issue in our lives is not why. It’s not why our families are not perfect. It’s not why we struggle financially or feel like we are not enough or we don’t have enough. It’s not why we have moments in our lives when we feel alone and that nobody cares.

It is, however, about the fact that in those times when we feel abandoned, hurt, anxious, that the world is out to get us, or people do not really care about us, we have a God who will never abandon us, who will never hurt us, who can replace our anxiety with peace, who is ultimately in control and who will always take care of us. 

God is with us in every situation, difficulty, obstacle and storm in our life that we face.

During the past month or so, I have drawn closer than I think I ever have to God. He has literally used everything and anything in my path to teach me and continually reveal to me who He is. He has shown me His love when I have had times when I felt alone. He has filled my heart, mind, soul and spirit with peace and calm when there was a storm inside me. Slowly but surely, He is picking me up, brushing off the dirt, wiping my tears, placing Bandaids where I hurt the most and letting me know who He is. He is turning the darkness into light, bringing joy where I feel pain, and transformingmy mourning into a morning sun.

In our society, we are always told to build ourselves up. Mass media always focuses on our weaknesses. You’re too this. You’re too that. You’re not enough of this. You’re not enough of that. You need this. You need that. In our world, we are taught that the immediate fix is the only option.

But it is NOT the only option.

What I am learning more and more is that God rarely delights in immediate fixes. He is much more concerned with the journey and getting to know Him even in the midst of the most difficult times in life. If He fixed everything in our lives in a matter of two seconds, which He could, what would be the point of living? If everything was perfect, we wouldn't have the opportunities we do to get to know who He is.

Allow God to bring His strength and presence into your times of weakness, into those weak spots in your relationships, at your job or any other place of weakness in your life. Because He can take your weaknesses and do the most unimaginable things with them.

I personally have experienced this in so many circumstances in my life. The one that immediately comes to mind was three years ago. I fell about 40 feet. I do not remember a thing, except waking up on the ground. The police told the doctors that I hit a tree that broke my fall and that is the only reason I am still here. As my family drove many miles to the hospital, the only hope that they had that I would ever walk again was that the doctors said that I was moving my feet. I sustained multiple injuries, including a few fractured vertebrae.

I walked two days after my fall. And today I can run six minute miles. Every time I run, I am reminded of how God took one of my weakest moments in life and how He continually helps me to run the race with perseverance.

The following verse has been my favorite since I was a little child:

they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

Depending on God

Something that God has been teaching me since I moved very far from nearly everyone I have ever known in my life is that we need to fully depend on Him. For me, and I think many others, it is often easier to depend on other human beings than on God because they are always visible to us and we are able to communicate with them in sometimes a much more clear way than how we sometimes hear from God.

I can say from experience that God speaks to all of us, but sometimes it is not always very simple to hear from Him, because of the noise that is part of our world and many other things that pull us away from our relationship with God.

This week was tremendously difficult for me, which is why I have not really posted in the latter part of the week. During the most difficult times, I tried to contact a few different people. Sometimes in our most difficult moments in life, our gut move often is to just call someone that we are close to. But they are not always available. They may not always be in the right mood to listen to what you are going through. They may be going through their own struggles and may not be in the right frame of mind to help you. There are a myriad of reasons why others may not always be available exactly when you need someone to support you.

The most awesome thing is that no matter what, God is always there. He is with you in every moment, every situation, every aspect of your life. I do not believe that there is necessarily a “wrong” or “right” way to pray, because God understands us and accepts us for who we are. He is working in all of our lives and He listens to all of us, whether we have our heads bowed, our arms lifted, or whatever. He is always listening.

And if we open our ears, eyes, hearts and minds to His voice, we are able to hear Him much more clearly.

This morning I had an incredibly rough conversation on the phone with someone and it ended up making things worse. After the conversation, I went to the lake where I hear and see God very clearly through the wildlife, the trees, the clouds, the sun… all of His creation.

After the 2 hour conversation in which my anxiety increased to an off-the-charts level, I sat at the lake with multiple thoughts speeding through my mind.

“Nobody cares… You’re alone… Nobody understands.”

Anybody who knows me knows that I listen to music nonstop, except when I am in meetings or sleeping. Someone the other day said to me they have never seen me without headphones in my ears. At the time, I was listening to Pandora on my phone and the song “Sweetly Broken” came on as I was reading a book.

The second that song came on, I looked up and I saw a white bird soar from the edge of the lake towards a grassy area further away. At the same time, a huge sense of peace and calm washed through my body and the rapid thoughts just stopped, something I do not think I have ever experienced. I've definitely felt a sense of peace before, but I have never experienced my anxiety being completely washed out of my entire body.

The vast majority of the times that I feel the most calm and peace are when I feel God’s presence the most... when I depend on Him the most, especially when I feel the most alone.

I will leave you with this passage and I hope that you take some time out to explore how you communicate with God:

“My soul, wait thou only upon God; 

for my expectation is from him. 

He only is my rock and my salvation: 

he is my defence; 

I shall not be moved. 

In God is my salvation and my glory: 

the rock of my strength, 

and my refuge, is in God. 

Trust in him at all times; 

ye people, pour out your heart before him: 

God is a refuge for us."

 –Psalm 62:5-8 (KJV)

The Love of our Heavenly Father

God's love is something I have long misunderstood. I guess I have had a lot of trouble because I have such a difficult time understanding even what human love means.

People say that God's love is unconditional, that no matter what we do or do not do, He will still love us.

Growing up, I was often shown love by certain family members only if I did exactly what they told me to- it was highly conditional.

I consider myself fatherless. To me, I honestly don't know what having an earthly father means. My father is not gone. He did not abandon me. But he abandoned me in a lot of other ways. I do not consider him to be a father because he has never acted like one.

I have spent much of my life attempting to understand what unconditional love means and what a Father's love means- the love of our heavenly Father.

I have felt God's love in so many ways. I may not have an earthly father but I do have a heavenly Father who shows me the unconditional love I have been missing my entire life.

I feel His love most in sometimes the darkest moments of my life. I feel it when I take the time to just be still and be completely in His presence.

I feel His love as I look up at the clouds. There is something so majestic about the clouds in the sky. As a child, I often dreamt about flying with the birds in the sky.

The picture above is one of my absolute favorites that I have taken. When I look at the rays, it reminds me of how the light of God reaches out to us in no matter what situation we are going through- no matter where we are on the journey of life. There is nothing that allows me to hear God quite like nature.

I have grown to respect God so much when I look at the clouds because when the sun rises, a new day is here.

I struggle so much with my past that watching the sun rise or the sun set reminds me who really is in control, and it reminds me to stay in the present- that my past is not today, nor is my future- today is today.

No matter what fears or struggles will come today, I know that He is there for me, and that His love never fails.

Growing up, I often was taught to fear those who I thought loved me. I assimilated fear with love, because I did not really know anything different. I thought it was okay to be hurt by those who loved me. In many ways, that has made it difficult to trust God- to fully trust that His love will never harm me.

The times that I have felt God's presence the strongest were and are those moments in my life when everything is quiet. My life is so chaotic and confusing. Being in God's presence allows me to stop and breathe. He calms me down when I am in His presence. He tells me that everything will be okay. He says that I have nothing to fear.

God is love- He loves us, but ultimately He Himself is love. And the love He is does not live on fear.

That is so extremely powerful.

His love is pure, real and true.

You Are Not There Anymore

As I started talking, the world around me disappeared and I was back there.. To say that place is intense is a grave understatement. I do not really know how to explain the "there." It is dark. It is painful. There is no light. There is no joy... Just intense terror.

I feel the tears fall down my face as I move from "there" to "here."

"You are not there anymore... You are here," she says. "Try to focus on your surroundings."

"B-b-b-but I c-c-c-can't," I stutter, now frustrated that I have started stuttering and the spasms are back, something I have feared for the past few weeks.

"You can."

"Th-th-th-the m-m-m-memories k-k-keep c-c-coming," I say, now extremely angry and frustrated.

"I know. But you are not there anymore. They are just memories."

By now, my arms are moving uncontrollably and the memories flooding my mind- the pictures- are just as uncontrollable. There are not really words to explain what it is like.

The flashbacks come at all times of the day and the nightmares come at night. They are not always predictable but they are always very intense. I have about a hundred different flashbacks and many more triggers. Some of the triggers cannot be explained.

Until recently, the flashbacks were never so intense that they caused spasms or stuttering. It is difficult enough not to be able to control the flashbacks but add uncontrollable physical symptoms and then you understand what I have been dealing with for the past month or so.

Earlier today when I was struggling with the physical symptoms, my mother texted me this verse:

"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me." -Psalm 30:2 (KJV)

Even in the most difficult moments, those moments when I am completely consumed by memories of the past, I still have hope. Even in the times when I cannot control my arms or speak clearly, I have hope in the ultimate Healer. I do not know what He is going to do through this process, but I will never lose hope.

No matter what you are going through, no matter what consumes your life, no matter what storms come your way or that you are traveling through right now, I hope you never lose hope.