Divine Intervention

This past week I listened to "Rivals" by Citizen Way at least 80 times. This past week I needed those lyrics to get through one of the most challenging week I have ever been through. I could have ended up on the inpatient unit at the hospital about 5 times.

Instead of focusing on what went wrong, I would like to focus on what went RIGHT and even some divine intervention. I do not believe God could have orchestrated it any better.

Last Thursday was around the time that I started to break down and fall apart. I was outside and a yellow butterfly landed right next to me. It was gorgeous and possibly one of the most beautiful butterflies I've seen. And it is not a normal sight near where I live. The butterfly not only reminded me that I am going through a transformative stage in my life. It also brought me to a situation two months ago when I saw a butterfly inside. A friend and I helped release that butterfly outside. It was one of the most magical moments, as it flew away. It was freed. That butterfly was used to tell me that God can free me from all of the difficulties I am currently dealing with, as He does for all of us.

On Monday, I was struggling and going downhill quicker than Michael Phelps can swim a lap. The weather was dark with a ton of rain coming down. Those who know me well know that I do not stop walking or raining in the snow or rain. I absolutely love running. I went outside to run and walk to deal with my struggles. I was kind of angry that it was raining, to be honest. The next time I went out the front door, I noticed that there was a clearing in the sky. Almost instantaneously, the sky opened up. The sun came out. It was another magical moment this week. God told me very clearly, "I understand you are going through this rough time, but I am here for you. I will help you get through this, just as I cleared up the sky in an instant. Things will get better."

Another day this past week (possibly Wednesday), I was listening to "Just Say Jesus" by 7eventh Time Down. All of a sudden, I listened to the lyrics and REALLY listened. The gist of the song is that things can get downright difficult, downright almost like hell on earth. BUT if you remind yourself about Jesus and how He saved all of us, you will get through anything. I saw what looked like an eagle (could've been anything- what matters most is what I perceived it to be.) I must have stood outside for 5 minutes listening to the song a few times and watching the eagle. To me, eagles signify strength, perseverance and hope. In that moment, God told me that I have the strength to "soar" through the storms of life. If I say Jesus instead of focusing on the negative, I can get through this. This is another situation that reminded me that God is more powerful than anything that comes my way.

The last really big moment for me happened on Thursday. I went to the hospital for a therapy appointment that I had planned two weeks ago. Needless to say, God knew the exact time I would need therapy. I had been suffering all week. In my therapist's office, I cried and had a meltdown. I told her some of my struggles and that the medication I was on was making me worse. She called the psychiatrist to come into her office to evaluate me, which he did. They said I was decompensating rapidly but I gathered myself and said I did not want to go to the inpatient unit. I was simply asking for a medication change. My psychiatrist took away the problem medication and added two medications.

The next morning, I woke up calm. I had some trouble sleeping, because my body was readjusting, especially my brain. I went out the next day and my symptoms were almost gone. I found out that the problem medication can cause a life-threatening condition that can cause paranoia, tremors and all kinds of things that I went through this past week.

I want to thank God for giving me signs throughout the week that He was listening and fighting with me and on my behalf. I don't believe in God because I am religious. I believe in God because I have learned to listen to Him. I don't really hear any voices. I see little situations in my life that remind me how much He cares. Even when I am symptomatic, I ask God to give me signs that He cares or messages to help me get through. The fact that my therapist and my psychiatrist both had the time to see me and talk to me to try to keep me out of inpatient is more than a coincidence. It was divine intervention.

Baby Bird

One of the world's most beautiful events just happened to me as I walked home from a quick run.


I happened to come across a baby bird. I thought it was odd that it did not fly away as soon as it saw me. It kept trying to fly away. It was obviously learning to fly. Then the parent bird came down and said something to the baby bird. Probably some words of encouragement. Right after that, the baby flew away, with no struggle.

I had a very difficult day. I am struggling a lot. I am currently waiting to hear if my insurance will cover a brain MRI that I need in order to see if I have a brain tumor. I’m trying to hang in there as much as I can at this point but it is terrifying. I am waiting for the next step regarding going to the dentist. I am waiting to see if my housing situation will get any better.

Waiting… waiting.. waiting…

I do not like waiting. I will be the first to say that I am one of the least patient people I have ever man. Patient with others but not situations. I want to know NOW… right this very second.

But that is not how life is.

Watching the baby bird struggle reminded me that if something scares me, the best thing I can do is keep moving forward. The bird did not fly far, but it took steps forward. Sometimes it takes some encouragement from others, like the parent bird did to the baby bird. I hate to be cliché (and by saying that I am cliché) but I was also reminded that baby steps lead to so much more… the ability to fly.

Disproving

I just spent the last 5 hours or so hanging out with friends, laughing and enjoying life. While I was out with friends, I realized that I neglected to bring my pill case with my PRN medication. For those who do not know what a PRN medication is, it is a medication that one takes only at times that they need it with limits. I currently can take 2 low doses of Haldol per day as needed. My psychiatrist wants my symptoms under control, even though Haldol is an antipsychotic, which are known to aggravate my medical condition.

I realized (and confirmed later) when I was out with friends that I have not taken Haldol in the past 4 days. I did not even notice in the past few days that I did not need the medication. This did not happen because of some goal I was trying to achieve. It came naturally which makes it even more exciting to me.

To those of you who have not heard or read, two weeks ago, I disproved my paranoid theory that the FBI was sending me messages. I wrote down the code and it was gibberish. My life began to take a new path and quickly, I saw results in my actions and behaviors.

This inspired me to disprove ALL my paranoid thoughts and beliefs. A few days ago, I came up with questions and thoughts that went against or counteract each of my paranoid theories and beliefs. I typed and printed a copy a few days ago and folded it and put it in my pocket. Whenever my paranoia worsened, I either read the packet that pertained to that belief or I wrote more questions and thoughts.

I have a minor in Mathematics so I have learned a lot of logic and proofs. It has taken this long to use this “logical” part of my mind and apply it to my delusions and paranoia.

Throughout this journey over the past few days, I was honestly angry at myself for not writing these thoughts even earlier. Even though I deal with paranoia daily, I feel much more at peace. I strongly believe that by working very hard on my thoughts, I can learn to live free of paranoia. It may take months and I may have moments that I need to take the PRN but I am headed in the right direction.

Last year, at this time, I was on about 7 medications and a total of 14 pills a day, including multiple antipsychotics. Currently, I am only taking 2 medications and a total of 3 pills a day, none of which are antipsychotics (unless I need it).

Progress is a beautiful thing.

Proof or no proof?

Last week, I became so frustrated with a huge paranoid "theory/conspiracy" that I chose to face my fears. My theory told me that the FBI was sending me messages through a code to figure out. For months, I have been so paranoid and frightened that I could not even write down the message out of fear that there would certainly be a message. What was in those messages have fascinated me as well as terrorized me for the past year or so.

Want to read the message I received when I finally gained the courage to write it down?

Yes I thought so. Here it is…

W U N L R Z L F S L G Z D N E G P G X P Y Y S L J M B E F H P A Z G T R B S M C E F X M K Y D V Z M K C L M U D F H O C U E C C V Z L Y L E Z U X E N T E S PP A Z G K K W G W V W K M M D V R D S X C S J F A M Z F E D K

 Yes, that code has been something I have been paranoid about for a year. Unless I’m missing something, the code seems like what an infant would say if you asked them to say the alphabet. I’ve been running away from this?

Long story short, this huge realization has already made a huge positive difference in my life. No longer do I believe the FBI is sending me messages.

Today, I sat down with my notebook. I wrote down on the top of 4 pages things that I have been running from, frightened of, or paranoid about. Those 4 subjects were things that I have been paranoid about for the past 6 or 7 years.

They include:

-my belief that the FBI is following me and recording my every move

-my belief that the police are after me

-my belief that people are talking about me (99.99999% bad)

-my belief that I am constantly in trouble

It has gotten so bad that I honestly believed that some of the staff at my outpatient program were undercover FBI agents who were following me on a daily basis, repeating the info to the headquarters, ready to arrest me at any moment.

As I wrote down things this morning that I can do to counteract and disprove the paranoia through questions and research on the internet, I came to the conclusion today that, like the message, nothing made sense to me. There was an overwhelming amount of information and other stuff that disproved my theories.

I feel like I finally unlocked an area of potential that I had never seen before. I opened up the door to a new positive area of my life, which previously had been riddled with fear, terror and paranoia.

I opened the door to peace and tranquility, something that I have yearned for most of my life. Days might come when my paranoia is bad again, but I feel that with consistent reminders that it is wrong, I will get through this. Hopefully soon, I can live with paranoia being something of the past.