This morning, I am reminded how precious our time is here in this world. Make the most of every conversation and interaction you have with others. Tell them you love them. Tell them that they have made a huge positive impact in your life.
We are never guaranteed tomorrow.
Remember that you are loved, even when you've made mistakes. Remember and focus on the good times in your life instead of dwelling on the negatives.
Each second, minute, hour, week, month and year is an opportunity to live... really live.
This morning, I am grateful for life, even with the challenges I am faced with every single day.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Monday, February 27, 2017
A Cosine Wave
When you think of bipolar disorder, do you ever think of extremes? You know that sine or cosine wave that you were taught in high school or college statistics? The neverending pattern of the Bell curve which describes the IQ measures? The neverending pattern of parabolic functions?
Up and down and up and down, like clockwork...
And yes, I am an engineer... A Biomedical Engineer.
Someone important in my life said to me a few years ago that I have a dichotomous mind. At first, I was like "dichotowho?"... I've been reflecting a lot on that lately though.
Quite often, I am either
Yay-everydayisgreat-everythingisfantastic-nothingiswrong-nothingwillEVERbewrong-lifeisthebest-iaminvincible-nothingsgonnagetmedown
or
Icantbelievehowdifficultthislifeis-i'mnevergoinganywhere-everybodyhatesme-everybodywantstogetridofme-i'maburden-iwillalwaysbesick/mentallyill-i'mgarbage-nobodycares-theyrelaughingatme-iwantittoend.
I am slowly but surely finding the "grey area" between those extremes. I don't mean to use that cliche explanation or term, but there really is power in finding that grey area and embracing it. I do not believe we were made for those types of extremes.
I believe that it is imperative for me to find that middle ground where there is peace even on the most difficult days. I picture myself somewhere between the valley and the top of a mountain.
However, finding that "grey area" is not simple.
I had a quite strong reaction to something that someone said recently. Yes, I get triggers that sometimes add to the stress, but I just started sobbing. I think it was an extreme reaction to what was said, even though it had nothing to do with me.
Needless to say, I am working on my reactions to my triggers. I am coming to realize that I have the power to control how I react to others and different situations. I'm never going to get anywhere if I have such strong reactions to everything. I cannot control what others are going to say or do around me. I also cannot always expect someone to be there for me everytime I have an extreme reaction. People are going to say things that upset me, but isn't that true for all of us? What is more important is to be able to control our emotions so that we can move forward,
I cannot run from my triggers. I can only control me, not others or certain situations. I can control my reactions in a powerful way.
Up and down and up and down, like clockwork...
And yes, I am an engineer... A Biomedical Engineer.
Someone important in my life said to me a few years ago that I have a dichotomous mind. At first, I was like "dichotowho?"... I've been reflecting a lot on that lately though.
Quite often, I am either
Yay-everydayisgreat-everythingisfantastic-nothingiswrong-nothingwillEVERbewrong-lifeisthebest-iaminvincible-nothingsgonnagetmedown
or
Icantbelievehowdifficultthislifeis-i'mnevergoinganywhere-everybodyhatesme-everybodywantstogetridofme-i'maburden-iwillalwaysbesick/mentallyill-i'mgarbage-nobodycares-theyrelaughingatme-iwantittoend.
I am slowly but surely finding the "grey area" between those extremes. I don't mean to use that cliche explanation or term, but there really is power in finding that grey area and embracing it. I do not believe we were made for those types of extremes.
I believe that it is imperative for me to find that middle ground where there is peace even on the most difficult days. I picture myself somewhere between the valley and the top of a mountain.
However, finding that "grey area" is not simple.
I had a quite strong reaction to something that someone said recently. Yes, I get triggers that sometimes add to the stress, but I just started sobbing. I think it was an extreme reaction to what was said, even though it had nothing to do with me.
Needless to say, I am working on my reactions to my triggers. I am coming to realize that I have the power to control how I react to others and different situations. I'm never going to get anywhere if I have such strong reactions to everything. I cannot control what others are going to say or do around me. I also cannot always expect someone to be there for me everytime I have an extreme reaction. People are going to say things that upset me, but isn't that true for all of us? What is more important is to be able to control our emotions so that we can move forward,
I cannot run from my triggers. I can only control me, not others or certain situations. I can control my reactions in a powerful way.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
The Inevitable Dreams
Has anyone ever asked you if you have a dream that you want to come into fruition during your precious time in this world?
If not, let me ask you... Do you have any dreams for your life here?
And before you say "I'm too old," "I'm not smart enough," "I don't have enough money," "I'm not beautiful," or just plainly, "I am not enough," STOP!
I've seen my own dreams come true. I also have seen other lives changed by focusing on making dreams come true, including my boyfriend, whose dreams are coming true as I write this.
I kind of live by this motto... Live Like Today is Your Last Day.
It is true that we do not know what will happen tomorrow or a week, month, or year from now. We have a choice to live life to the fullest. Granted this is not simple, especially with a mental illness or other challenges. But we can continue to move forward.
We can choose to make a positive difference in this world.
For me, I try to (I don't do this all the time) help others because, to me, that is the only way to live.
Let me ask you again, do you have any dreams that you would like to see happen?
If you do, start making your dreams come true because we are not guarateed tomorrow.
If not, let me ask you... Do you have any dreams for your life here?
And before you say "I'm too old," "I'm not smart enough," "I don't have enough money," "I'm not beautiful," or just plainly, "I am not enough," STOP!
I've seen my own dreams come true. I also have seen other lives changed by focusing on making dreams come true, including my boyfriend, whose dreams are coming true as I write this.
I kind of live by this motto... Live Like Today is Your Last Day.
It is true that we do not know what will happen tomorrow or a week, month, or year from now. We have a choice to live life to the fullest. Granted this is not simple, especially with a mental illness or other challenges. But we can continue to move forward.
We can choose to make a positive difference in this world.
For me, I try to (I don't do this all the time) help others because, to me, that is the only way to live.
Let me ask you again, do you have any dreams that you would like to see happen?
If you do, start making your dreams come true because we are not guarateed tomorrow.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Capturing God
I love capturing the beauty in nature. I love the beauty of God's creation all around us. He speaks to me through the sky, especially the sunrises. I try to watch the sun rise every morning. Photography used to be a weak point for me, but I have gained a lot of strength in capturing God's handiwork.
Earlier today, I posted about finding our voices. A major part of my voice is through art, specifically photography. Through meditation, I am able to stop, breathe and enjoy the morning before a busy day. It helps me to slow down and remember that this day was created by God.
Here are some photos I have taken of sunrises throughout the past few years. Enjoy!
Earlier today, I posted about finding our voices. A major part of my voice is through art, specifically photography. Through meditation, I am able to stop, breathe and enjoy the morning before a busy day. It helps me to slow down and remember that this day was created by God.
Here are some photos I have taken of sunrises throughout the past few years. Enjoy!
Meeting the Sound
I've been thinking about my voice for the past day or so, especially since I have met my voice through this blog. Finding our voice is not just for people with brain disorders or mental illnesses. Finding our voice is a natural phenomena that we all find ourselves moving towards.
We want to be validated. We want to be heard. We all want to be understood.
Some of you may know that I have worked with at least a hundred children and adults with special needs, mainly Down Syndrome, cerebral palsy and autism. I worked with people who could not speak, including an unforgettable girl about my age that could not speak, walk or eat by herself.
At around 12 years old, I taught her how to write, as I gently directed her hand to write letters. She also used a computer hooked up to her wheelchair to speak. Before she passed away (about after a year that I worked with her), I helped her write a card that said "I love you, Mom." I will never forget her or how amazing it felt to help her find some part of her voice.
The last time I saw her, I told her that she inspired me to help others just like her. I currently hold a Masters degree in Biomedical Engineering, through which I have learned how to brainstorm, build, and test devices that can be used to help those with special needs.
I've seen all kinds of devices that have been created to aid people with disabilities. One of the most powerful example came from a movie I once watched about a mother whose son has autism and cannot speak. She created a small computer device that allows him to type what he wants the device to say. The difference between him before and then after using the device is profound and really emphasizes how important our voices are. Before this device, he had no way of communicating with others. They were in shock about how much he really understood. This device has also been incredibly useful for people around the world.
At age 13, I realized how important having a voice really is. I also understood that our voice does not necessarily have to be through speaking out loud. It is found through so much more than that. People find their voices through actions, reactions, writing, body language, art, photography, dancing and all kinds of different avenues.
I personally have found my voice through photography, writing, art, playing instruments (piano, vocals, harmonica, clarinet, and French horn among others) and writing music. I also love helping others, which I believe is a major part of my voice. I worked at 4 hospitals and 5 universities by age 23, through internships and work. When I was a young teenager, I helped build and fix homes even throughout undergoing a period of homelessness.
Sometimes we find our voice through helping others find their own voice. I lost my oldest brother to suicide when I was 17 (he was 25). I spoke at my high school to different classes, about staying away from drugs and alcohol. My brother had been addicted to drugs, dealing drugs and was an alcoholic for most of his life. I ended his story by telling my peers that they had a choice that my brother does not have anymore. Through sharing his story, I was able to give voice to my brother in a powerful way.
Each of us have a voice, even in the most difficult times. For me, I find that I hear God's voice sometimes clearer on the worst days.
A few years ago, I went through a catatonic state in which I did not and could not speak, eat, drink or sleep for 3 days. I wanted to speak. I just could not make a sound. I remember those 3 days like it was yesterday. I remember thinking the FBI was after me. I thought one of the doctors was Michelle Obama. My mind was making all of that stuff up to the point that I was terrified. And add to that, I could not find my voice.
I am continuing the journey to find my voice. I do not believe it is a destination but rather the journey through life.
What can you do to find your voice? What are ways you can stand up for yourself and others? How can you validate the voices around you? How can you love your voice despite having gone through difficulties? Does going through difficult times make it easier or harder to find your voice? How can you stop and listen to others' voices?
We want to be validated. We want to be heard. We all want to be understood.
Some of you may know that I have worked with at least a hundred children and adults with special needs, mainly Down Syndrome, cerebral palsy and autism. I worked with people who could not speak, including an unforgettable girl about my age that could not speak, walk or eat by herself.
At around 12 years old, I taught her how to write, as I gently directed her hand to write letters. She also used a computer hooked up to her wheelchair to speak. Before she passed away (about after a year that I worked with her), I helped her write a card that said "I love you, Mom." I will never forget her or how amazing it felt to help her find some part of her voice.
The last time I saw her, I told her that she inspired me to help others just like her. I currently hold a Masters degree in Biomedical Engineering, through which I have learned how to brainstorm, build, and test devices that can be used to help those with special needs.
I've seen all kinds of devices that have been created to aid people with disabilities. One of the most powerful example came from a movie I once watched about a mother whose son has autism and cannot speak. She created a small computer device that allows him to type what he wants the device to say. The difference between him before and then after using the device is profound and really emphasizes how important our voices are. Before this device, he had no way of communicating with others. They were in shock about how much he really understood. This device has also been incredibly useful for people around the world.
At age 13, I realized how important having a voice really is. I also understood that our voice does not necessarily have to be through speaking out loud. It is found through so much more than that. People find their voices through actions, reactions, writing, body language, art, photography, dancing and all kinds of different avenues.
I personally have found my voice through photography, writing, art, playing instruments (piano, vocals, harmonica, clarinet, and French horn among others) and writing music. I also love helping others, which I believe is a major part of my voice. I worked at 4 hospitals and 5 universities by age 23, through internships and work. When I was a young teenager, I helped build and fix homes even throughout undergoing a period of homelessness.
Sometimes we find our voice through helping others find their own voice. I lost my oldest brother to suicide when I was 17 (he was 25). I spoke at my high school to different classes, about staying away from drugs and alcohol. My brother had been addicted to drugs, dealing drugs and was an alcoholic for most of his life. I ended his story by telling my peers that they had a choice that my brother does not have anymore. Through sharing his story, I was able to give voice to my brother in a powerful way.
Each of us have a voice, even in the most difficult times. For me, I find that I hear God's voice sometimes clearer on the worst days.
A few years ago, I went through a catatonic state in which I did not and could not speak, eat, drink or sleep for 3 days. I wanted to speak. I just could not make a sound. I remember those 3 days like it was yesterday. I remember thinking the FBI was after me. I thought one of the doctors was Michelle Obama. My mind was making all of that stuff up to the point that I was terrified. And add to that, I could not find my voice.
I am continuing the journey to find my voice. I do not believe it is a destination but rather the journey through life.
What can you do to find your voice? What are ways you can stand up for yourself and others? How can you validate the voices around you? How can you love your voice despite having gone through difficulties? Does going through difficult times make it easier or harder to find your voice? How can you stop and listen to others' voices?
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Unending Love and Support
I wanted to share something that has made me appreciate the support, kindness, encouragement and love I have been shown throughout my life.
The photo above shows 142 greeting cards and 84 personal notes that I have received and collected over the past 8 years. I experience a warm feeling as I read notes from over 100 people whose lives have been a part of mine.
The main reason I started collecting cards is that I can be reminded of the wonderful people who have come into my life, even the people who may no longer be in my life. Reading them reminds me that my life has impacted people from all walks of life- from my best friends to the dorm janitor to the Dean of my college to my brother who died to the students in a class I taught in college.
Reading these cards usually makes me cry a little bit, especially the ones I received after my major suicide attempt. I am always amazed at the surplus of encouragement and support I was given through that very challenging time.
I feel the love. I feel the support. I feel the kindness. I feel the hope.
I like to read the notes and cards from time to time to lift my spirits and to remind myself how lucky I am to have wonderful friends and family.
To all those who have written notes and cards I love you and support you. Thank you.
The photo above shows 142 greeting cards and 84 personal notes that I have received and collected over the past 8 years. I experience a warm feeling as I read notes from over 100 people whose lives have been a part of mine.
The main reason I started collecting cards is that I can be reminded of the wonderful people who have come into my life, even the people who may no longer be in my life. Reading them reminds me that my life has impacted people from all walks of life- from my best friends to the dorm janitor to the Dean of my college to my brother who died to the students in a class I taught in college.
Reading these cards usually makes me cry a little bit, especially the ones I received after my major suicide attempt. I am always amazed at the surplus of encouragement and support I was given through that very challenging time.
I feel the love. I feel the support. I feel the kindness. I feel the hope.
I like to read the notes and cards from time to time to lift my spirits and to remind myself how lucky I am to have wonderful friends and family.
To all those who have written notes and cards I love you and support you. Thank you.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
The Good, The Bad and the Notecard
I do not even remember how long it has been since I first started using The Notecard. Little did I know how much it has helped me to grow and deal with the daily challenges which go along with having a mental illness. Little did I know the impact it would make, especially as I answer the questions in a journal in order to process thoughts and difficult circumstances.
The Notecard is just that... it's a notecard. But it has "special powers," mainly allowing me to pause, reflect and help me get out of a paranoid or psychotic state independently and creatively.
The Notecard has gone through many revisions, as I have found some questions to help me more. The current state of The Notecard is probably at the best it has ever been. Taken from suggestions, feedback and advice from those around me, I have created questions on The Notecard to help me to cope best with what I deal with every single day.
So here are the questions I use, as they may help you or someone you know to cope with mental illnesses.
Drumroll, please...
Overall, The Notecard helps me through many situations, even the good and the bad. It keeps me moving forward and I have used it on grocery trips (since I have been known to have paranoia in the grocery store). I have used it in all sorts of situations and I feel blessed to have something so quite simple that has made a profound difference in my life.
The Notecard is just that... it's a notecard. But it has "special powers," mainly allowing me to pause, reflect and help me get out of a paranoid or psychotic state independently and creatively.
The Notecard has gone through many revisions, as I have found some questions to help me more. The current state of The Notecard is probably at the best it has ever been. Taken from suggestions, feedback and advice from those around me, I have created questions on The Notecard to help me to cope best with what I deal with every single day.
So here are the questions I use, as they may help you or someone you know to cope with mental illnesses.
Drumroll, please...
- What can I do NOW to cope with these thoughts?
- Is there a more reasonable way to think about these thoughts or the circumstance that I need to deal with?
- Am I focusing on things that are irrelevant? Is my mind trying to piece things together that makes my mind more chaotic or frightened?
- Is there anything I need at this point or are there ways to cope or deal with these thoughts or this difficult situation more independently?
- Are any of my thoughts distorted (i.e. black/white thinking or catastrophization)? If so, how can I think differently, stop or lessen these thoughts?
- Are there any situations or thoughts that are stressing me out? If so, what can I do to "destress" (i.e. meditation, going for a run or a walk)
Overall, The Notecard helps me through many situations, even the good and the bad. It keeps me moving forward and I have used it on grocery trips (since I have been known to have paranoia in the grocery store). I have used it in all sorts of situations and I feel blessed to have something so quite simple that has made a profound difference in my life.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
A Mental Vacation
Earlier this afternoon, I had to do something that was very difficult for me to do. I had to stop my volunteer work, both since I am gearing up for classes in May in order to receive an MSW and also because it was incredibly stressful for me and ultimately triggered some of my symptoms, specifically paranoia.
While I feel like this is somewhat of a failure, deep down I know that I need to step back and be honest with myself on everything that I can handle.
I am an overachiever. In my first two years of college, I had a 3.986 GPA in an overload of classes (21 credits (normal of 18)), was in the Honors Program, worked part time at 2-5 jobs, participated in various clubs and organizations and still somehow had time to watch a Netflix movie nearly every night despite a bedtime of 10pm at the latest.
That ultimately led to the cookie crumbling...
I tried to take my life in 2009 due to paranoia, mania and depression all at the same time. I took a medical leave of absence, in which I came to the conclusion that I needed to step back and again, be honest with myself about everything that I can handle.
Sometimes, we have to realize that we cannot possibly be all and do all. I am not God. I am ONE person in a sea of millions of lives.
Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by our own "bubbles" that we forget the meaning of life. To me, meaning comes from helping others. To me, meaning comes from realizing that I also need to take care of myself. To me, meaning comes from being the best person I can be.
However, there are limitations... human limitations. We can help others but ultimately, we need to do what's best for us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
There are so many billions of lives on this earth that we can barely even make a dent in our society, nation and world. However, at the end of the day, we can make a difference by how we treat others AND ourselves. If each of us makes a positive dent in our circle of our lives, we ultimately can positively change the world. We need to work together.
Some may believe or think that taking care of ourselves is selfish, but overall we can help more people if we first take care of ourselves.
Sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need a mental vacation. Sometimes we need to just sit and calm down as we watch a sunrise or a sunset.
So, yes, I do believe that my decision to stop volunteering for awhile is healthy for me. I will be able to learn more skills and be able to continue to move forward.
While I feel like this is somewhat of a failure, deep down I know that I need to step back and be honest with myself on everything that I can handle.
I am an overachiever. In my first two years of college, I had a 3.986 GPA in an overload of classes (21 credits (normal of 18)), was in the Honors Program, worked part time at 2-5 jobs, participated in various clubs and organizations and still somehow had time to watch a Netflix movie nearly every night despite a bedtime of 10pm at the latest.
That ultimately led to the cookie crumbling...
I tried to take my life in 2009 due to paranoia, mania and depression all at the same time. I took a medical leave of absence, in which I came to the conclusion that I needed to step back and again, be honest with myself about everything that I can handle.
Sometimes, we have to realize that we cannot possibly be all and do all. I am not God. I am ONE person in a sea of millions of lives.
Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by our own "bubbles" that we forget the meaning of life. To me, meaning comes from helping others. To me, meaning comes from realizing that I also need to take care of myself. To me, meaning comes from being the best person I can be.
However, there are limitations... human limitations. We can help others but ultimately, we need to do what's best for us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
There are so many billions of lives on this earth that we can barely even make a dent in our society, nation and world. However, at the end of the day, we can make a difference by how we treat others AND ourselves. If each of us makes a positive dent in our circle of our lives, we ultimately can positively change the world. We need to work together.
Some may believe or think that taking care of ourselves is selfish, but overall we can help more people if we first take care of ourselves.
Sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need a mental vacation. Sometimes we need to just sit and calm down as we watch a sunrise or a sunset.
So, yes, I do believe that my decision to stop volunteering for awhile is healthy for me. I will be able to learn more skills and be able to continue to move forward.
Monday, February 20, 2017
I Believe
I believe in hope.
I believe in peace.
I believe in unconditional love.
I believe that all lives matter.
I believe in inclusion.
I believe in acceptance.
I believe in the power of both the individual and collective voice.
I believe in positive transformation.
I believe in making lives better and easier.
I believe in helping others through my actions and words.
I believe in listening to those who need a voice.
I believe in random acts of kindness.
I believe in the power of working together.
I believe in learning about the cultural differences of those around me.
I believe in the power of gratitude and knowing all the ways I am fortunate.
I believe in teamwork and collaboration.
I believe in learning from mistakes.
I believe in accepting that the past cannot be changed.
I believe in staying in the present and taking each day at a time.
I believe that our time here on earth is precious.
I believe that everybody has different talents.
I believe that everyone can be strengthened through support and encouragement.
I believe in the fact that I want and deserve to be loved no matter what.
I believe that there is a reason for everything.
I believe in a world in which there are no wars, terrorists or hatred.
I believe in love.
I believe in peace.
I believe in unconditional love.
I believe that all lives matter.
I believe in inclusion.
I believe in acceptance.
I believe in the power of both the individual and collective voice.
I believe in positive transformation.
I believe in making lives better and easier.
I believe in helping others through my actions and words.
I believe in listening to those who need a voice.
I believe in random acts of kindness.
I believe in the power of working together.
I believe in learning about the cultural differences of those around me.
I believe in the power of gratitude and knowing all the ways I am fortunate.
I believe in teamwork and collaboration.
I believe in learning from mistakes.
I believe in accepting that the past cannot be changed.
I believe in staying in the present and taking each day at a time.
I believe that our time here on earth is precious.
I believe that everybody has different talents.
I believe that everyone can be strengthened through support and encouragement.
I believe in the fact that I want and deserve to be loved no matter what.
I believe that there is a reason for everything.
I believe in a world in which there are no wars, terrorists or hatred.
I believe in love.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
The Lion
I started coloring about a year ago after staying in a hospital mental health inpatient unit for a few weeks. Most of you know that I have been in many different hospitals (about 15 or 16) due to struggling with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and PTSD.
I have found that challenging coloring pictures like the one above help me to calm down. They take time and I am often distracted from my symptoms when I find patterns to color. One of my favorite things about coloring is watching the transformation as the colors bring the picture to life. It is often difficult when you begin because you are just coloring small shapes. You cannot see the whole picture in your mind, much like in life. Over time, our lives are good and bad, but often are overwhelmed by good.
A friend of mine sent me a note this morning, which said "The best is yet to come. Keep dreaming, hoping and planning." I thought this is such an amazing truth.
I have been struggling a lot recently with my illnesses. I have had both very disturbing paranoia and PTSD flashbacks.
But I have not let it get to me. I find that it is these trying times that bring us closer to God and His ability to help us dream about the awesome lives that we can lead, whether we have mental illness or not. To me, I believe that dreams really can come true.
Last week, I was in the Emergency Room for 6 hours due to my struggles, but I was discharged (after talking the treatment team for awhile). Later that day, I received an acceptance letter for an online Masters of Social Work program. We must always keep moving forward because we have no idea what kind of great things can happen. I accepted the offer because it is one of the top schools in the nation. In my personal statement, I talked about how much social workers have helped me get to where I am now. I have been inspired by the many social workers who have allowed my dreams to come true.
Never doubt hope. Never doubt that side of you that knows you can be brilliant or make this world a better place. I hold hope very closely because I know that great things can happen, no matter how arduous life can be or seem.
Be like the lion- strong, beautiful and powerful. Find that hope and strength inside you that cannot be taken away.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
This World
This world has
no room for hate
no room for discrimination
only love
This world has
no room for judging others
based on what they look like
or their gender
only love
This world has
no room for endangering others
no room for hurting others
through our words and actions
only love
This world has
no room for swastikas
no room for terrorism
or violence
only love
This world has
no room for hate
no room for hate
ONLY LOVE
no room for hate
no room for discrimination
only love
This world has
no room for judging others
based on what they look like
or their gender
only love
This world has
no room for endangering others
no room for hurting others
through our words and actions
only love
This world has
no room for swastikas
no room for terrorism
or violence
only love
This world has
no room for hate
no room for hate
ONLY LOVE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)