When you hear "you're not praying enough"

Have you ever come across people in the church or Christian people who say that you are still sick so you must not be Christian enough, believing enough or praying enough? I have a "friend" on Facebook who recently said something to the tune of "you're still mentally ill. Don't you believe that God wants to heal you?"

I watched a movie called Miracles from Heaven today, in which a girl is diagnosed with an incurable stomach disease and her mother is bombarded at church with people who say something must be wrong with her beliefs if her daughter is not being cured. It makes her mother leave the church.

Which brings us to those age-old questions of: why do bad things happen to good people? Why do we suffer? Why do some get better or are cured while others die or suffer?

I personally believe that challenges come into our life to shape us into who God wants us to be. I believe that God's will sometimes entails us going through difficult challenges. I have found tremendous strength while battling intense mental illness. In many ways, I am thankful for my mental illnesses because I have met a  lot of amazing people I never would have and I've had interesting experiences that have brought me closer to God. I have faced many challenges along the way, including over 20 hospitalizations.

It's not that I don't believe in miraculous healing, but I am okay if I am not necessarily miraculously healed from my mental illnesses. I have flashbacks nearly every day, I haven't heard voices in a few months and I haven't been suicidal in over a year. I take my recovery step by step, one moment at a time. As they say in every 12 step program, "Progress not perfection."

If someone dies or is not cured from an illness, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are not Christian enough, not believe in God enough or pray enough. It just means that God had a different answer for them.

A Letter to the Abused

This is a letter I wrote while in the hospital.

To those who have been abused,

I have been where you are. I have felt the despair of being made to feel inferior, used and demeaned. Trust me when I say that I have felt the great depths of the human condition. I have felt great pain but I have also felt the great heights of God's unconditional love.

You are loved. You are cherished by a power greater than yourself or I could ever be. I can tell you that this life is worth more than gold and it is worth more than what you have been through. I can tell you that you do not have to forgive, for forgiveness should never be forced. I highly encourage you to forgive though.

People are not meant or made to be abused. We were made for true agape, unconditional love- a love that knows no bounds and is there at all times.

You are deeply cared for. There are really good people out there who will love you no matter what. There are people out there who will treat you in the way you deserve to. I am one of them. I have been abused very severely and yet I know that love. I know and understand a deep love that is not sexual but rather loves without condition. A love that looks beyond mistakes and darkness. A love that drives out hate, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of.

Hate has no place in this world. Only love can transform this world in a way that is unimaginable and beyond that which we can ever speak of or think of. Anger has a place in this world as well but forgiveness is worth so much more. Forgiveness can transform our hearts in unimaginable ways. It feels very good to release the anger that find a place in our hearts.

Release that fear and anger. It is not correct to create fear in this world. Release the fear that drives hate and anger. Release all the tension of what you have been through.

I say that I do not want people to pity me about what I have been through because pity does not get me anywhere. It is just pity. I find great strength in helping others and healing people who have been through what I have been through. I find strength in transforming the world with what little I have. To know that I have made a difference in another person's life helps all the mistakes and all the evil in my life worth it. It makes my life meaningful.

I am sorry for what you have been through. You did not deserve it. You are stronger than the circumstances you have found yourself in. You are more than the evil. You are a great person who was born todo something with your life. You do not have to change the world. All you have to do is change the world for one person. If I've met you, you've made a difference in the world because you helped me to transform the world. Please take this life seriously because you only have one. Make the most of it.

You are deeply loved. Deeply cherished for being you. You are a beautiful child of God. You are to be respected. You are wanted, needed and accepted for you. You have a place in this world. You are to be loved in an appropriate manner. You are not to be used or disrespected. You are wonderful. You are a beautiful being with feelings, emotions and behaviors. You are not an object. You are to be loved and cherished from the moment you are born to the moment you take your last breath. We all make mistakes but know that I love you.

Love,
Chelsea Kowal (Mother Chelsea)

Update

Yesterday was October 25, 2019, ten years after my most serious suicide attempt. I am lucky to be alive. Life has been challenging since then, especially when I was in the state mental institution for 2 years. I am moving forward in God's grace.

I try my best to surround myself with good people. I currently go to a partial care program that includes music therapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Dialectical Behavior therapy, goal setting, journaling and other groups that I chose. I've made quite a few friends at program.

I love DBT and CBT because they teach me necessary skills to succeed in life. Currently, in DBT we are going over the Observe, Describe and Participate skills, which are kind of self-explanatory.

I love mindfulness and meditation. I participate in at least 1 meditation a day on my Insight Timer application on my phone. I am going to a Meditation class at the Science of Spirituality Meditation Center early today. I also attend Alanon Family Group meetings online or over the phone.

Last night's meeting was on Let Go and Let God. It is so difficult not being able to control the alcoholic or recovering alcoholic but we need to leave it in God's hands. God is ultimately in control and can help the alcoholic in ways that we can't imagine. It's hard to let go and let God if we want to control things.

Near-Death Experiences

I went to a meditation class a few days ago and the man presenting talked about near-death experiences. I quickly exclaimed "Yeah, I've had those."

My first near-death experience was after a severe fall (details not included for thematic elements). I saw a bright light and then I came back to Earth. I don't remember a lot of it except the bright light.

The second was over a year ago when I was dying in the hospital. I remember in my mind walking down a trial towards someone who looked like Jesus. I kept walking, but I couldn't get any closer. After a few minutes of this, I raised my hand up to say "No, not yet." I think Jesus was waiting for my decision. During the walking, I felt a huge sense of calm, joy and peace. I often want to get that feeling back. Sometimes it does when I meditate. It was not a dream; it was very different from a dream.

If you're wondering why I came back, it was for my psychologist who was going through grave difficulties. She didn't really tell me anything except I could feel a sense that she was struggling. I wanted to help her so I came back. I've overcome and been faced with many difficulties since coming back for her but I am glad that I fought through it all.

The man who ran the meditation class said after sharing about this that I am unique because I chose to come back. He didn't know that I came back for someone (for lack of time). It was the best decision I made even though I've lost touch with my psychologist. The last time I saw her she had the biggest smile in the world and I hope that this post finds her well.

Freedom in the Fight

Ever since that day a month ago, that day I chose to fight that which had always tried to control and rob me of the last 8 years, I have wondered where I would be, etc. And I also believe that though the medications robbed me of certain experiences, it has not changed who I am. In fact, I believe it has made me a better person.

On that day over a month ago, I stopped taking a certain type of medication that I thought might be creating the symptoms, especially paranoia. Two days later, the symptoms disappeared. I was told that I would not even make it past the first week without being hospitalized. People will tell you that I was so excited I was dancing for most of the week. Imagine if you felt deep pain and fear for many years and it disappeared.

When I was first placed on this type of medication, I was in my third year of college. I had a 3.986 GPA in my first two years. After I went back after a medical leave, my grades plummeted. I could not deal with the loss of memory, concentration and focus. I had numerous talks with someone from the school who said I had to come to terms with these changes.

I don’t quite know when I first had paranoia, other than that it mostly started in late college years, which I was taking new medications . Somehow, I graduated and received a full fellowship for a PhD program. I was excited but my paranoia progressed rapidly. I was hospitalized about 8 times within college and graduate school and given all sorts of diagnoses. They tried putting me on over 25 medications, about 10 of which were the type I do not take now. They never completely worked and I was very frustrated.

I lost my PhD fellowship because of the paranoia. I could not walk around campus without having my head over my shoulder. My mind could not comprehend that maybe all those people were not following me but rather going to a different building or classroom.  I could barely look at peers or professors without intense fear. I even could not sit in a church without doubting that the people around me wanted me to go away. I could not even function as a lab assistant because I was so paranoid.

I ended up going home. I had a steady stream of hospital visits, day programs, hospital visits, day programs. Nobody could pinpoint why all the treatments were not working. Meanwhile, my brain was chaotic. I became catatonic, heard voices, would cringe at the sight of police, freeze at the sound of police cars. I feared that people thought I was not taking my medications….which I was taking them.

I did not want to go anywhere. I began not to go running, for fear that the police were following me. I stopped going to a friend’s store, for fear that they had ties to the FBI. I began to avoid the world out there. That’s when I stopped talking to my mother. I was hospitalized, cut off any communication with her, and moved away from anything I knew.

I began a day program. My mind was so cloudy that I did not really know what was going on. After that program, I was put in another outpatient program in which I have been in for the past 2 and a half years. Again, I was met with more paranoia. Some days I would travel in my mind. I soon began to fear some other peers and especially staff. One day I would be so happy and the next I believed some of the staff worked for the FBI. I sometimes spent a whole week not trusting anyone. Some days I gathered the courage to ask staff if I was in trouble or if they were mad at me.

They relentlessly told me that I was okay, that there was nothing wrong. That answer would lessen the paranoia but not for long.

Two months ago, I realized that I had not taken a medication that I was supposed to take for “psychotic agitation.” It was an as-needed medication to help alleviate the paranoia. I noticed that I was absolutely fine. Unfortunately after explaining this, I was told to stay on the medication.

After taking the medication again, my symptoms came back, worse than ever before. That is when I began to fight. I thought I was on to something. One day, I made sense of everything.

I’ve been off that type of medication for over a month now and I have not had any paranoia.

Those medications may have robbed me of the last 8 years but I still have me. I have met incredible people. I’ve met the love of my life, my wonderful boyfriend, I have many friends and a great support network. And I also have God in my life, who has helped me to continue to get through difficult times.

The Power of Good

I am on a vacation but not a vacation. I am on a retreat but not a retreat. I am at the beach but not a beach. I am somewhere I’ve never been but not somewhere I’ve never been.

I am on a personal journey to find my life. How many times have people said that? How can you find your life? You’re living, aren’t you? How can you lose something so tangible, so palpable?

I came to where I am because I helped save someone’s life two weeks ago. It was extremely frightening and traumatic. I came here trusting that something good would happen.

Little did I know that I would find myself again. I found more of myself in the silence than in the words of those around me. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I went outside, put a 5 or 10 minute timer on my phone. I sit in the chair with my eyes closed and just listened. I heard the birds. I heard the trees in the wind. I heard planes. I heard faint voices. I felt the sun piercing through my closed eyes. But no words.

For those few moments, I was one with my surroundings. I was one with my experiences in that moment. More often than not, I would be disappointed when the 5-10 minute timer would bring me back to reality, whatever that means. I thought I was more in reality than ever before.

My greatest discovery being here has been that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a death sentence. I, as well as many other people, have been very traumatized. I think you can agree that this world is messy, but it does not have to be. THIS WORLD DOES NOT HAVE TO BE. We live in an absolutely beautiful world.

What are you saying, Chelsea? How can you say that when it seems like our world seems to be falling apart?

It is not falling apart. We have a God who can transform all the bad into good. If you take time out of your busy day to see the beauty of this universe, you can see the beauty. Your world revolves around what you focus on.

The beauty of the brain, which I have studied extensively, is that it can change. I have noticed just this past week how powerful focusing on the GOOD rather than the bad can be.

Someone told me a few days ago that we can have bad triggers but there can also be GOOD triggers. I did not really understand that at first. But once I began recalling good memories, I found a different experience than I had rarely experienced before. I laughed, I smiled, joy filled my body.

GOOD is powerful.

Silencing the Screams

The words are escaping me. I do not really know what to say. I do not want to eat. I've had nightmares that awaken me at all hours of the night. I look around myself and I see her. I hear her cursing at us at the top of her lungs. I hear her screams and also my screams in my head, silently screaming. We all went from 0 to 60 in 1 second. The adrenaline still flows through my veins despite knowing that it happened three days ago. It honestly feels like it happened a few seconds ago.

I find myself having a cup in my hand ready to drink from it and freezing for 30 seconds only to "awaken" and drink. Or riding on the bus looking out the windows while the bus driver says "Here we are." The tape goes over and over in my head. The first image. The screams. The police. The sirens. The chase. The silent screams. The deep breath. I cannot seem to get out of it.

I am stuck in those thirty minutes and I wonder to myself when it will end.

I have had my headphones in my ears everywhere I've gone for the past 3 days because it helps to silence the screams. I try to listen to the words instead of the replaying video. Sometimes it helps. Most times it does not.

I've had a lot of traumatic experiences but this one is different. I never thought I would see this in my lifetime.

I don't really have any other words other than that I am glad she is alive. I helped save her life but I do not think I am some kind of hero. Ultimately I am thankful to God for saving her. I was just an instrument.