Yesterday, I received some very exciting news. Many of you have heard that I was accepted to an online MSW program a few months ago. I have been most concerned with getting enough financial aid to cover the cost of a second Master's.
Yesterday, a big door opened up when I found out that I have enough financial aid, meaning that I am set up to go to graduate school, starting in May.
This is not just about school, for me, though. I have been in treatment for my mental illnesses for awhile now. Going back to school is a huge step forward.
This is about getting up after a big fall. This is about speaking back to the paranoid thoughts. This is about proving to myself that I am not going to let my illnesses dictate what I do or what mountains are seemingly too rough to climb. This is about gaining back control of my life.
This is about perseverance, resilience and strength that God has given me and all of us.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Positivity >> Negativity
Today was the most difficult day for me in the past two and a half weeks. I woke up with some paranoia, did some meditation and my entire morning routine. I was alright for most of the day, except some high anxiety and mild paranoia.
I meditated to positive affirmations a few minutes before writing this post. I really needed to meditation and my anxiety is gone... and I mean, really gone. Not just for a few minutes or so.
As I was listening to the meditation, I thought about everything that I've been blessed with or that is going well in my life. Sometimes I get so stuck in what negative things because I am so used to bad things- abuse, mental illness symptoms, neglect, homelessness, suicidal ideation, etc. The list could go on forever. However, the list of positives greatly outweigh the negatives. If you know anything about abstract algebra, you know that there are different sizes of infinity.
Positivity >> Negativity
Today, I awoke to birds chirping. I turned my lights on- I have a lamp and overhead light, which allow me to dim the room during my morning and night routine. I have a laptop through which I can communicate with people all around the world, look for endless information, listen to music and meditations. I have a phone through which I talk to, laugh, cry with and express myself to friends and family. I have a loving family in many different areas of my life. I have food in the refrigerator. I can hear, speak, walk, run, see and eat. I have enough clothing.
May we always be reminded of how fortunate we are.
I meditated to positive affirmations a few minutes before writing this post. I really needed to meditation and my anxiety is gone... and I mean, really gone. Not just for a few minutes or so.
As I was listening to the meditation, I thought about everything that I've been blessed with or that is going well in my life. Sometimes I get so stuck in what negative things because I am so used to bad things- abuse, mental illness symptoms, neglect, homelessness, suicidal ideation, etc. The list could go on forever. However, the list of positives greatly outweigh the negatives. If you know anything about abstract algebra, you know that there are different sizes of infinity.
Positivity >> Negativity
Today, I awoke to birds chirping. I turned my lights on- I have a lamp and overhead light, which allow me to dim the room during my morning and night routine. I have a laptop through which I can communicate with people all around the world, look for endless information, listen to music and meditations. I have a phone through which I talk to, laugh, cry with and express myself to friends and family. I have a loving family in many different areas of my life. I have food in the refrigerator. I can hear, speak, walk, run, see and eat. I have enough clothing.
May we always be reminded of how fortunate we are.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Self-Awareness Case Study
Many of you know that I am returning to a graduate school in order to receive my second Master's degree. In the last few months, I have struggled much with symptoms, namely flashbacks and paranoia. In school, I studied a few Statistics courses.
Over the last two weeks, I started my own experiment on myself, technically called a case study with oneself.
I sat down and took notes on what I wanted to change in my life. I said to myself, "Something's gotta change. I can't just stay paranoid or have flashbacks for the rest of my life. I need to rethink how I live my life."
So I basically turned my life right-side-up. I majorly changed how I fall asleep, how I wake up in the morning, completed Orientation for graduate school, started reading books again (mainly self help), took my first injection of a medication and meditated over 3 times a day.
I slowed everything down.
This is where I tell you the success or failure of my "self-awareness case study." The only thing that I could have done better is not changed everything at the same time. Any good experimenter knows that you should only make one change at a time so you can see which of the things significantly increase quality of life. I was too excited to wait so I changed everything at once.
I have to share that all of these changes I have made my life so much easier, more meaningful, exciting, peaceful and beautiful. All of my goals and hypothesis came true in this experiment. I have found that my paranoia has nearly gone away, I am more happy and calm. In fact, I am so much calmer that I have handled difficult and triggering situations, feelings and emotions and without running away or becoming too emotional. I have remained calm in situations that used to make me cry or run away. I am able to concentrate and focus even in situations that used to make me dissociation.
Life is beautiful and I think this experiment just goes to show that you have the choice to stay stuck in the negative or move forward into the positive things that God has planned for you.
For me, I am working on maintaining this experiment and using the tricks I have learned to better my life.
Over the last two weeks, I started my own experiment on myself, technically called a case study with oneself.
I sat down and took notes on what I wanted to change in my life. I said to myself, "Something's gotta change. I can't just stay paranoid or have flashbacks for the rest of my life. I need to rethink how I live my life."
So I basically turned my life right-side-up. I majorly changed how I fall asleep, how I wake up in the morning, completed Orientation for graduate school, started reading books again (mainly self help), took my first injection of a medication and meditated over 3 times a day.
I slowed everything down.
This is where I tell you the success or failure of my "self-awareness case study." The only thing that I could have done better is not changed everything at the same time. Any good experimenter knows that you should only make one change at a time so you can see which of the things significantly increase quality of life. I was too excited to wait so I changed everything at once.
I have to share that all of these changes I have made my life so much easier, more meaningful, exciting, peaceful and beautiful. All of my goals and hypothesis came true in this experiment. I have found that my paranoia has nearly gone away, I am more happy and calm. In fact, I am so much calmer that I have handled difficult and triggering situations, feelings and emotions and without running away or becoming too emotional. I have remained calm in situations that used to make me cry or run away. I am able to concentrate and focus even in situations that used to make me dissociation.
Life is beautiful and I think this experiment just goes to show that you have the choice to stay stuck in the negative or move forward into the positive things that God has planned for you.
For me, I am working on maintaining this experiment and using the tricks I have learned to better my life.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Just the Beginning
Have you ever heard the saying "you don't know how lucky you are until you lose something you love"? I was just thinking about that, especially today. This afternoon I was able to gain some closure over a friend's recent passing.
I talked about an hour ago with a family member who is nearly 96 years old. We haven't always agreed on everything and we've also had tough times and situations. But she said something profound. She told me "You are only at the beginning of your life and I am at the end of mine. Your life is important.... God will help you."
Those words meant and continue to mean a lot to me. I was reminded how much our lives are so intertwined and precious. I find a lot of meaning in my life, especially through getting to know others as well as helping at least one person a day.
We do not need to save the world but rather we can do little things for others that make a difference.
I talked about an hour ago with a family member who is nearly 96 years old. We haven't always agreed on everything and we've also had tough times and situations. But she said something profound. She told me "You are only at the beginning of your life and I am at the end of mine. Your life is important.... God will help you."
Those words meant and continue to mean a lot to me. I was reminded how much our lives are so intertwined and precious. I find a lot of meaning in my life, especially through getting to know others as well as helping at least one person a day.
We do not need to save the world but rather we can do little things for others that make a difference.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Total 180
Oh Goodness Gracious do I have a lot to share about my recent lifestyle changes I made last weekend. Before I speak any further, I want to share that I have had a significant reduction in my symptoms. I have been functioning a lot more and better.
So here goes the 6 things I have brought into my life to deal with symptoms this past week...
1) Nightly Routine
I have drastically changed my night routine. Before this week, sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night as well as well as having issues falling asleep. I also used to dwell in paranoia when I woke up.
Curremtly, I have used some sleep hygiene "rules." I turn off all electronics between 7-7:30pm, except when I use my computer or phone to play a meditation or an emergency. After 7:30pm, I take a warm bath, meditate and read a book, all with dimmed lighting to foster calm feelings. When I feel tired enough, I get into bed and fall asleep.
2) Morning Routine
Prior to this week, I noticed that I woke up a lot with paranoid thoughts. I just laid there thinking negative thoughts.
Now, I put the dim lighting on again, and I write 3 things in my morning journal (3 Good things that happened the day before, 1 thing that needs improvement and 1 affirmation.). I have noticed that I currently wake up in a much more positive state in mind.
3) Meditating
Before this past week, I only occasionally meditated. This week, I meditated 3-5 times a day. I have seen a great difference in how I deal with difficult things that would have sent me into a spiral. I have been calm and positive. I also focus and concentrate a lot more and more easily. I listen to meditations online and a meditation CD that I bought a few years ago.
4) Orientation and Getting Ready for School
In case you did not hear, I was accepted to a top online MSW program. I have spent a lot of time this week getting ready for school, something that I am very passionate about. The excitement and anticipation has helped me to feel more hope.
5) Injection
Before this week, I took all of my pills orally. However, I took personal responsibility over the fact that I missed my medications twice in two weeks. I made a connection that whenever I forget to take a medication, even once, it shakes me up. So I asked my doctor if I could receive an injection for one of my medications. My psychiatrist said that if I take the injection, I won't be as affected by a lost dose.
I got my first injection this past week and I've had no side effects so far. I've also had minimum symptoms.
6) Reactions to Difficult Situations
Someone I talked to recently told me that I need to work on how I handle difficult and triggering situations. That's why it is something that I am working on. I cannot always expect others to comfort me or be there for me. This past week, especially on Friday, I was faced with a few situations that in the past would have sent me into a tailspin. Instead of running away, I faced those situations, meditated or used deep breathing to calm down and eventually dealt with the situation very well, with no help from others.
So here goes the 6 things I have brought into my life to deal with symptoms this past week...
1) Nightly Routine
I have drastically changed my night routine. Before this week, sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night as well as well as having issues falling asleep. I also used to dwell in paranoia when I woke up.
Curremtly, I have used some sleep hygiene "rules." I turn off all electronics between 7-7:30pm, except when I use my computer or phone to play a meditation or an emergency. After 7:30pm, I take a warm bath, meditate and read a book, all with dimmed lighting to foster calm feelings. When I feel tired enough, I get into bed and fall asleep.
2) Morning Routine
Prior to this week, I noticed that I woke up a lot with paranoid thoughts. I just laid there thinking negative thoughts.
Now, I put the dim lighting on again, and I write 3 things in my morning journal (3 Good things that happened the day before, 1 thing that needs improvement and 1 affirmation.). I have noticed that I currently wake up in a much more positive state in mind.
3) Meditating
Before this past week, I only occasionally meditated. This week, I meditated 3-5 times a day. I have seen a great difference in how I deal with difficult things that would have sent me into a spiral. I have been calm and positive. I also focus and concentrate a lot more and more easily. I listen to meditations online and a meditation CD that I bought a few years ago.
4) Orientation and Getting Ready for School
In case you did not hear, I was accepted to a top online MSW program. I have spent a lot of time this week getting ready for school, something that I am very passionate about. The excitement and anticipation has helped me to feel more hope.
5) Injection
Before this week, I took all of my pills orally. However, I took personal responsibility over the fact that I missed my medications twice in two weeks. I made a connection that whenever I forget to take a medication, even once, it shakes me up. So I asked my doctor if I could receive an injection for one of my medications. My psychiatrist said that if I take the injection, I won't be as affected by a lost dose.
I got my first injection this past week and I've had no side effects so far. I've also had minimum symptoms.
6) Reactions to Difficult Situations
Someone I talked to recently told me that I need to work on how I handle difficult and triggering situations. That's why it is something that I am working on. I cannot always expect others to comfort me or be there for me. This past week, especially on Friday, I was faced with a few situations that in the past would have sent me into a tailspin. Instead of running away, I faced those situations, meditated or used deep breathing to calm down and eventually dealt with the situation very well, with no help from others.
Monday, March 13, 2017
Change
On my way back home this afternoon from a store, I was thinking a lot about my paranoia symptoms. As many people know, I like to think and analyze different things.
I realized that being paranoid is a lot like being in solitary confinement. I often cannot get out of the symptoms easily, no matter how many people I check facts with. I often find that nobody experiences the paranoia like I do (not because I am special, which I am not, but because of my different body chemistry and life experiences). I also do not think my symptoms are worse than anyone else that deals with the paranoia or any other symptoms, just different.
I often feel as if there is nobody I can talk to, nobody that understands and that everyone else is after me. Case in point: Today, I thought that everybody I came in contact with is behind this big scheme against me to get me in so much trouble that someone will kill me. I often believe that everyone's lives would be better without me. Sometimes, like I think many people in solitary confinement deal with, I lose touch with reality and get locked into my own emotions.
I am put in the middle of two worlds: The Truth and The False. My mind tries to overcome and challenge the negative thoughts. I am currently meditating anywhere between 5-10 times a day varying from 5-30 minutes per time. Meditation helps me tremendously to slow down and be in the present moment. Meditation also helps me to find The Truth.
Today was not half as bad symptom-wise as it usually is for me. I have been making a ton of new changes in my schedule during the day and at night. For example, I noticed that if I do not receive enough sleep, my paranoia and other symptoms usually are worse. In order to combat this, I have come up with "Sleep Rules" based on various sleep hygiene recommendations. I don't use any electronics after 7pm, about 1.5-2 hours before my bedtime. In that time before I start to sleep, I take a nice warm bath, listen to classical music, listen to some meditations I have, color or read a book, all with the lights dimmed. I started this routine on Friday and I have seen a significant reduction in my symptoms as well as being more able to handle and deal with the symptoms when they arise.
Living well does not always require gigantic changes. Sometimes it only requires a few changes in your schedule to change your life for the better.
There is always hope, joy, peace and calm to be found in this lifetime, no matter how many different challenges you are faced with.
I realized that being paranoid is a lot like being in solitary confinement. I often cannot get out of the symptoms easily, no matter how many people I check facts with. I often find that nobody experiences the paranoia like I do (not because I am special, which I am not, but because of my different body chemistry and life experiences). I also do not think my symptoms are worse than anyone else that deals with the paranoia or any other symptoms, just different.
I often feel as if there is nobody I can talk to, nobody that understands and that everyone else is after me. Case in point: Today, I thought that everybody I came in contact with is behind this big scheme against me to get me in so much trouble that someone will kill me. I often believe that everyone's lives would be better without me. Sometimes, like I think many people in solitary confinement deal with, I lose touch with reality and get locked into my own emotions.
I am put in the middle of two worlds: The Truth and The False. My mind tries to overcome and challenge the negative thoughts. I am currently meditating anywhere between 5-10 times a day varying from 5-30 minutes per time. Meditation helps me tremendously to slow down and be in the present moment. Meditation also helps me to find The Truth.
Today was not half as bad symptom-wise as it usually is for me. I have been making a ton of new changes in my schedule during the day and at night. For example, I noticed that if I do not receive enough sleep, my paranoia and other symptoms usually are worse. In order to combat this, I have come up with "Sleep Rules" based on various sleep hygiene recommendations. I don't use any electronics after 7pm, about 1.5-2 hours before my bedtime. In that time before I start to sleep, I take a nice warm bath, listen to classical music, listen to some meditations I have, color or read a book, all with the lights dimmed. I started this routine on Friday and I have seen a significant reduction in my symptoms as well as being more able to handle and deal with the symptoms when they arise.
Living well does not always require gigantic changes. Sometimes it only requires a few changes in your schedule to change your life for the better.
There is always hope, joy, peace and calm to be found in this lifetime, no matter how many different challenges you are faced with.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Open and Honest
Today was difficult and trying at times, but it was also a very productive day in the sense that I learned more about myself. I am working on bettering my life in quite a few ways. One of the things I am currently working on is boundaries.
Setting boundaries is an important subject in dealing with mental illnesses because it is necessary and mandatory to have healthy boundaries.
Boundaries have not always been a strong point for me with others. I believe it comes from having grown up in a family with barely any boundaries.
I have shared a lot about my life and personal history with people around me and on this blog in order to help others understand mental illnesses. If I trust someone enough to open up with them, sometimes I feel that it is required to share EVERYTHING that I am feeling or have dealt with. I want to be understood in a way that is unrealistic since nobody will ever fully understand what I am going through or talking about. Sometimes I find someone I trust and my sharing begins as a single drop of water and quickly becomes an overwhelming waterfall.
I have to take personal responsibility and realize that sometimes I may go overboard with sharing my past or even current situations. I cannot email, text or call someone every time I am upset because I am an adult. I am learning how to deal with my symptoms and situations more independently.
Boundaries are good. Sometimes boundaries are tough to manage. Boundaries can be healthy, though, especially in making relationships last. Boundaries are necessary.
Setting boundaries is an important subject in dealing with mental illnesses because it is necessary and mandatory to have healthy boundaries.
Boundaries have not always been a strong point for me with others. I believe it comes from having grown up in a family with barely any boundaries.
I have shared a lot about my life and personal history with people around me and on this blog in order to help others understand mental illnesses. If I trust someone enough to open up with them, sometimes I feel that it is required to share EVERYTHING that I am feeling or have dealt with. I want to be understood in a way that is unrealistic since nobody will ever fully understand what I am going through or talking about. Sometimes I find someone I trust and my sharing begins as a single drop of water and quickly becomes an overwhelming waterfall.
I have to take personal responsibility and realize that sometimes I may go overboard with sharing my past or even current situations. I cannot email, text or call someone every time I am upset because I am an adult. I am learning how to deal with my symptoms and situations more independently.
Boundaries are good. Sometimes boundaries are tough to manage. Boundaries can be healthy, though, especially in making relationships last. Boundaries are necessary.
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