Never Leave You Nor Forsake You

I woke up to this early this morning. It reminded me to take time to just be with God.

I am terrified. My stomach is upset. My fears are out of this world. Why?

I'm going to the dentist today. During one of my psychotic meltdowns last semester, I thought all of the doctors were dentists and that they were going to take all my teeth out without Novocaine. When this happened, my fears were beyond imagination and I feel that same sick feeling that I felt in the hospital. The terror.

But I know I have to go in order to take care of it.

One of the verses that came to my mind this morning that is helping me is:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

It comforts me knowing that God goes with me.

Surrender

"Have you surrendered every single part of your hurt to Him?"

-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

My answer to this question is probably not. I carry with me years of abuse, neglect and homelessness. But as I move forward, I am trying to surrender all of it to Him. I am trying to get rid of the hold it has on me. Every step I get closer and closer.

Why is surrendering so difficult?

I think possibly because the past is such a powerful part of who I've become and who I have been shaped to be. It doesn't define me but it's still a large part of me. I feel like surrendering may entail forgetting everything that's happened or even saying it was right. That's an impossible feat for me. It's also hard to surrender everything to God if you still relive it every single day through flashbacks and nightmares.

I want to move forward. It's just at this stage of my life I'm not quite sure how.

Adventures of the Lake

After my one class yesterday, I decided to go to the lake for some rest and some God-time. Last semester, the lake helped me when I was paranoid and psychotic. It helped me get through some of the most difficult moments by bringing peace and calm into my chaos.

So I am going to share some photos I took so you can join me in my adventure to the lake.

The first creature I came across was a soft-shelled turtle. It kind of hid when it saw me and soon after this photo it went into the water.

This is one of my favorite shots I have ever taken. You see the close up of the green leaf, but in the background, you see the bridge in the distance. To me, it's supposed to represent that the future is not always clear, but you know that God has your path all planned out, if you trust Him.

Here's another foreground/background shot. I like taking these kind of shots because it represents the chaos in the present and the beauty of the future beyond the present and the past. I know that God has great plans and that no matter how chaotic the present is or the past was, He will be there every step of the way.

This has to be one of the coolest things that has ever happened at the lake. I walked across the bridge pictured above and on the side, there was a stream with all of these little fish. I stood on the bridge and they all oriented themselves towards me. I moved to the right of the bridge and they all moved to reorient themselves and they just stayed there.

In that awesome instance, I was reminded that no matter what comes our way, we have to orient ourselves to the love of God. We have to count our blessings and move forward, keeping our eyes on God.

This last shot is a simple shot of the lake. I wanted to take this because it was absolutely gorgeous. The beauty of the lake never disappoints me. I always learn more about God and feel closer to Him when I go, through the lake and its creatures.

Change

Yesterday, I went to group therapy and we did this exercise. It was after a difficult discussion with someone about moving forward and I felt that it was ironic that this was the exercise. And that I was the only one who showed up.

In case you can't read it, at the top it says "Why do people not change?" and around the circle it says "They can't," "They do not want to change," "They do not know what to change," and "They do not know how to change."

Below this circle were questions, "Which one are you? Why? What do you need to change?"

As I thought about the exercise and my conversation with the person earlier, I thought that I am closest to "They do not know how to change." I know that I am close to making big changes in my life and moving forward, but I'm still frustrated with having PTSD and paranoia. I don't really know how to explain my frustration. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back because of my illnesses when I want to take 10 steps forward.

I feel as if they are holding me back from what I could be. I'm still frustrated that I have flashbacks every single day and that the past is still interfering with my present. I want to move forward but a big part of me is still stuck in the past. I want to let go, but I don't know how. Maybe I am holding on? But it's not like I can just forget 23 years of trauma. Especially not with PTSD.

Do I believe I can be healed? Absolutely! Without a doubt. I'm just waiting for the answer to how. Maybe I'm searching in the wrong places? My dream is not to be stuck in the past. Absolutely not!  My dream is to move forward and not have the past overwhelm me anymore. Right now, that is my main goal.

I no longer want to be bogged down by the past. I want to make a big difference in this world. And I know I can't do that with one foot in the past.

This is one of my favorite songs about change...

Set the Captives Free

"Christ came to set the captives free. Satan came to take the free captive."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

I read this book at possibly one of my lowest points earlier this year. I was reading quotes I had written in my diary when I came across this one.

How true it is!

Christ came to set us free from all the bad stuff in our lives that keeps us from walking into His wonderful plans for us. Satan wants to keep us in the past, in our regrets and our mistakes. Satan doesn't want us to move forward. He wants us stuck. He wants us so low that we forget the good things in our lives.

I am in the process of moving forward from the wreckage of my past. Each new day, I try to separate myself from the hold that the past has had on my life. I try to separate myself from what was and try to focus on what is. And what will be. I try to remind myself that I am free in Christ and I am able to move forward.

The past is over and done with... No longer can it have a hold on me.

I am not a little abused child anymore. I am not a neglected and homeless teen. I am a strong woman who is going to make a difference in the world. 

And that is what I hold on to each day that I move forward.

Picking Me Up

I spent a few hours last night looking at PhD programs across the country. To say I'm excited is a bit of an understatement. I feel as if I am moving forward in a big way. There is one program that I really have my heart set on.

Anyways, I just came across part of a letter I had written to myself a few months ago.

"Keep running. Keep walking. Keep fighting and getting through another day. Always remember that you are never alone. No matter what the world tells you. No matter what the enemy tells you. Keep focused on the truth. The truth that can be found in God and the truth of your life...He stood beside you and He will always stand beside you."

The strange part is that I wrote this letter in February, while I was paranoid and psychotic. I think it just goes to show that no matter how low you get, God is always there, showing you the way.

I believe that God is always there with me, helping me through every twist and turn that comes my way. I believe that He has lifted me up on many occasions in my life and given me the strength to move forward. I believe He is guiding me as I move forward into the future, helping me decide which programs to apply to.

I don't believe in a God who is far away in the sky. I believe in a powerful God who stands beside me, waiting to pick me up if I fall. I believe in a loving God who forgives my mistakes and binds my wounds if I fall. I believe in a God who gives us a new start after we fail.

Savoring the Strawberry

I'm currently reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and I came across a story that really spoke to me.

"The monk raced to the edge of a cliff, glanced back, and saw the growling tiger about to spring. The monk spotted a rope dangling over the edge of the cliff. He grabbed it and began shinnying down the side of the cliff out of the clutches of the tiger. Whew! Narrow escape. The monk then looked down and saw a quarry of jagged rocks five hundred feet below. He looked up and saw the tiger poised atop the cliff with bared claws. Just then, two mice began to nibble at the robe. What to do?

The monk saw a strawberry within arm's reach, growing out of the face of the cliff. He plucked it, ate it, and exclaimed, 'Yum! That's the best strawberry I've ever tasted in my entire life.' If he had been preoccupied with the rock below (the future) or the tiger above (the past), he would have missed the strawberry God was giving him in the present moment."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, pg.54

Sometimes we are so bogged down by our worries about the future or the nagging nature of our past that we forget to enjoy the present time. We forget to savor the strawberries. What I like about this story is that the past and future are so frightening, and yet the monk takes time to enjoy the present.

We don't exactly know what the future holds, but we can trust that God holds our future in His hands. We know that through His grace and mercy, we will make it through anything that comes our way. In the same vein, our past may be awful and full of turmoil and pain, yet we are called to walk forward into God's beautiful plans for our lives.

We are called to trust God and not be preoccupied with the past or future.

Does anyone else find that hard?

Sometimes, I personally find it very hard not to be preoccupied with the past due to the intrusive memories I have because of my PTSD. But every day, it's getting easier. I'm looking forward to when I don't have the flashbacks, nightmares and intrusive memories anymore.

I'm looking forward to being able to savor the strawberries in the present.