Moving Forward

"As I have stated in the pages of this book, so many have tried to get me to say that my accident forty-three years ago was never part of God's plan. That my paralysis was never His intention. That quadriplegia was never necessary. That chronic pain didn't have to be. That suffering was never part of His plan. That the many tears and groans and struggles and sleepless nights were needless and a waste of my energy and my life.

I think differently.

It was all planned long ago, and God brought it about in His perfect faithfulness. And because He allowed it and permitted it, because He has walked with me through every moment of it, His plan has been marvelous for [me]."
-Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing

To tell you in a few words, this book helped change my life in the past two days. It only took me a few hours to read, yet it helped me more than words can say.

I made a few really deep realizations through reading this book, not necessarily things that were explicitly stated in the book but things I came to realize nonetheless.

I realized that I have been living in the past, somewhere that God does not want me to dwell. What's done is done. Gone and over with. I've let my flashbacks and PTSD keep me stuck somewhere that I don't need to be anymore. I am not an abused child anymore. I am a child of God.

I believe I am on the road to complete recovery. I wholeheartedly believe that my PTSD can go away, something that has been hard for me to believe for most of my life since I have been dealing with it for 11 years.

I realized, like Joni has, all that God has done in my life despite the challenges I have faced and that the difficulties are not mistakes but part of God's glorious plan. I have done great things despite endless challenges. I can't let the past overwhelm me because God has great plans for me.

I realized that the past was part of God's plan. I may not have liked it or like it now, but God allowed everything to happen in my life for a reason. I am putting my full trust in Him and His beautiful plan for my life.

I think my greatest realization is that I can heal. I don't necessarily know what healing will look like for me but I know that I don't have to be stuck in the past anymore. I can walk forward, knowing that the past is the past and that I don't have to be overwhelmed by the past in the present time. What happened is done and it's not happening anymore. I can walk into the future, with my hopes of being healed from my PTSD.

Healed Nonetheless

I began reading A Place of Healing by Joni Eareckson Tada yesterday. I actually nearly read the entire book yesterday because it is so powerful. Apart from doing homework, I sat in my apartment reading.

Joni has had a series of unfortunate events during her life. When she was younger, she was in a diving accident that left her a quadriplegic for over 40 years. She also has endured many years of severe chronic pain. Not only that, but recently, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

To say her life has been challenging is an understatement. I related to her in many ways, and I really look up to her and the fact that she kept her faith despite everything she endured.

God won’t  always change our circumstances, but if we ask Him, He will often step in to change our perspective! He will help us catch a glimpse of life through the eyes of faith, as He sees it. And that glimpse is worth everything.

-Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing

How true is this?

Part of her book was spent on explaining that we are not always healed. She said that God heals as He sees fit. Joni has been confined to a wheelchair for over 40 years and has tried many ways to be healed but nothing has worked. However, she says that she has been healed on the inside and that's all the more meaningful.

Sometimes we are not healed in the way we expect but we are healed nonetheless.

I've looked for healing for my PTSD. I've been to some healing services. I've sent up many prayers for healing. I've been dealing with complex PTSD for 11 years and I was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. However difficult it is to deal with these disorders, God is doing great works on the inside and healing me in ways that I never could have expected. He is giving me that "glimpse of life through the eyes of faith." He's showing me that there is more to life than my challenges.

I want to end this blog post with a Bible verse that gave me great comfort yesterday when I read it.

We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God. 

-Acts 14:22

Unjudgmental Unconditional Love

"[C.S. Lewis] notes that there is someone I love, even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me. There are plenty of things I do that I don’t like, but if I can love myself without approving all I do, I can also love others without approving of all they do… No matter what a person has done, God’s uncensored grace is available. No matter what they are going through, there is hope.”

-Jud Wilhite

I just finished reading unChristian and I found this quote in the chapters about Christians being judgmental. Sometimes we are so quick to judge others, even though we may have the same issues.

I love that Jud points out that what we've done (or not done) doesn't stop God's grace and mercy from entering our lives in a powerful way. God's grace is more powerful than anything else we can experience, I believe, because sometimes it makes no sense. 

Why would God love us despite all we've done? Despite all of our shortcomings?

Because He does.

He created us and molded us. 

Have you ever created something you loved? You poured your heart and soul into making it, shaping it, drawing it, etc. At the end, you see it as a masterpiece and you want to do all you can to take care of it. It might fall down and break a bit, but you still love it. You still care for it.

God loves us despite our shortcomings. God loves us despite our sins and mistakes. There is nothing more powerful than that. And we are called to love others despite their sins and mistakes. None of us are perfect. We are called to show unconditional love towards those around us, those we interact with.

We may not always agree with others, but one thing we can agree on is that we all need to be loved.

A True Miracle

A few days ago, my mother reminded me of a miracle that happened nearly a year ago when I was in the hospital. I asked her to write about the miracle so that I could post it on my blog. I wanted to share with all of you this awesome miracle that happened.

Last October I received a phone call from my 23 year old daughter Chelsea.  She was having spasms after having a shot of Benadryl and Reglan for a migraine headache and a mild concussion.  She had bumped her head at work after retrieving her phone charger under her desk.  After a few days of her nonstop spasms I boarded a plane to Gainesville, Florida to help her. 
 
When I got there she was having trouble walking and talking due to the spasms.  After several trips to the hospital and several series of different drugs I called 911.  Frustrated that the symptoms were not subsiding I was scared and concerned for her health.
 
Once in the emergency room she was seen by a few doctors.  The doctors took Chelsea off all drugs at this time.  The third emergency room doctor came in and talked to me as Chelsea finally fell asleep for a few hours. As Chelsea slept the doctor said sometimes there isn't an explanation to the medical problems she was experiencing.  She said they would see how she did without any medication.  I had told the doctor that Chelsea had spoken earlier to a Christian radio announcer at Joy FM.  The doctor then said that while 
the doctors may not have an explanation to what was going on with Chelsea - God did! I asked the doctor to pray for my daughter.  At that time, the doctor said she would pray for my daughter right in the emergency room.  We laid hands on my daughter as she slept.  I could feel the power of God in the room.  
 
The following morning, I went to see Chelsea in the room she had been transferred to.  When I got to the room I was documenting her experience.  As we went through each day I was writing down everything Chelsea could remember.  Chelsea said "I can speak."  I told her to wait as I was finishing writing down what she was saying.  Again, Chelsea said "I can speak." I looked up at her and realized she was speaking without spasms.  The joy I felt at that time cannot be explained in words. I knew at that time she was finally healed.

I will never forget the doctor's expression when he came into the room that morning and I was sitting up and talking normally. I will never forget the nurses walking by my room and saying "4B is healed!"

Finding Meaning

"Only one fifth of young outsiders [nonbelievers] believe that an active faith helps people live a better, more fulfilling life."
-David Kinnaman, unChristian

This statistic really surprised me.  Only one fifth.

Many outsiders think that believing in God is boring or outdated.

For me, faith is the entire substance to life. Without my faith in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I wouldn't be here.

To me, Christianity is not a set of rules and regulations. It's about having an intimate relationship with God. It's about finding meaning in life. It's about finding purpose in what is seen as purposeless.

As I've shared in previous posts, I have dealt with abuse, neglect, homelessness and various mental illnesses, including schizophrenia. Faith is what makes life interesting and meaningful when everything around us looks chaotic. Believing in God helps me to carry on when the road gets rough. Faith brings hope into my life at the most dire moments.

I could not imagine my life without faith. I guess if I didn't have faith, I would have been gone a long time ago. It's what gives me the will to fight through the hardships. My faith helps me to endure some really difficult stuff.

Faith gives meaning to life. If we don't believe then what is the point in fighting through difficulties? What is the point in all of us striving so hard when we're just floating on a planet in the middle of a huge universe?

I need a God. We need a God. We need Christ because we all fall down in our lives. We all make mistakes and sin. We all need forgiveness. We all need unconditional love.

We all need faith and hope.

Words and Actions

As many of you know, I am reading the book unChristian, a book about what nonChristians believe about Christians and Christianity as a whole.

A few days ago, I wrote a post about some of my thoughts on homosexuality and Christianity. I finished reading the chapters of the book related to homosexuality yesterday so I wanted to finish writing about my thoughts.

Let me begin by posing a question that was asked in the book...

Do our language and actions communicate compassion to others?

This is a key question, one that we should ask ourselves continually. We all make mistakes, but overall, our actions and our words should show compassion towards others. This is true whether you are Christian, Muslim, atheist, whatever... Our actions and our words are very important.

We may not always agree with what others are doing. Often we may not. People may test our patience and do things the hard way. But as human beings, we need to love others no matter what. This includes whether or not you agree with homosexuality.

Our world needs more love, not hate.

I believe our world needs love more than ever. People are divided over political agendas and religious beliefs. Some say we are more divided than ever before. Our divisions keep us from coming together. Our world is rocked by wars where there should be peace. Our world is rocked with fear where there should be calm. Our world is rocked by anger where there should be love. Our world is rocked by disagreements where there should be people working together. In order for us to move toward peace on any level, we need to come together in unconditional love.

I very much dislike when people say "God hates ______." God doesn't hate anyone. Whether you are Christian or not, we are not called to spread a message of hate but rather a message of love. When Jesus walked around, he didn't say he hated anyone. He welcomed everyone, including those the world turned away.  He showed compassion to everyone. We need to do the same. We need to follow His example.

Showing compassion isn't always easy. But it's key to making this world a better place. We are called to love everyone, even the people who frustrate us or make us feel uncomfortable. We are called to spread a message of love.

SAP

Last night was the first night in four nights that I didn't have a nightmare. Progress.

Nightmares and flashbacks tend to increase my anxiety, which worsens my schizophrenia and bipolar. You see, I have something I'll call SAP, or selective attention paranoia. I don't believe that's actually a technical term but it best describes what happens.

A few days ago, when my anxiety and paranoia were very bad, I went to talk to an on call therapist. in order to divert a hospitalization. My anxiety was skyrocketing and I knew that if I didn't talk to someone, I'd be headed straight to the hospital.

When I was in therapy, the counselor said something that explains my SAP very well. 

Have you ever played the game Punch Buggy? If you haven't, I'll quickly explain the game. 

When you are driving or riding in a car, you look for buggies and if you see one, you punch someone next to you and say "punch buggy no take back." The first person to punch someone wins.

Anyways, the therapist explained that because of my hypervigilance, I am more aware of certain things that most people are not aware of (heightened awareness), just like when your attention is on something, like a buggy, you become more aware of it. All of a sudden, you notice more buggies than you did when your attention was not on them. Same thing with my paranoia. My attention is heightened towards certain things that trigger my PTSD and paranoia.

I hear people whispering behind my back while walking to class. 

I think it's about me.

I hear people coughing behind me or around me. 

I think it's about me. 

Someone follows me for a long time as I walk to class. 

I think they're following me.

Normal everyday things become abnormal.

So how do I work through this? How do I learn to get rid of or lessen the selective attention paranoia?

Well it's not easy but it's doable. Every time I think that something is about me, I tell myself "It's not about me and it means nothing." It actually helps a lot. I just repeat it until my paranoia goes away. The first part reminds me that everything that's happening is not about me (people are just living their daily lives) and the second part reminds me that what others are doing really has no meaning- i.e. they're just coughing, not doing it towards me- it's not aimed at me in any way.

SAP is frustrating, because I don't want to believe that people are after me or spreading rumors about me. I just want to be normal and lead a normal life. Yet my brain is wired in such a way that I pay attention to the little things, the details and add some hidden meaning to it.