I replay a lot of my daily conversations with people over and over in my head. Things people say. Things people do. Stares. Smiles. Frowns. I like to take a conversation apart and take it piece by piece, investigating in my own way. Processing it. Understanding it.
Someone recently told me something that has stuck with me. This person said that, to them, my achievements don't matter, my education does not matter, and other things like that don't matter. What matters is that I show up for treatment even on the challenging days.
I may not do everything perfectly or have all of the answers, but I know that I surely am doing my best living with some difficult circumstances.
Some people may question why I am so honest and deep about my illnesses. I believe in helping others without mental illnesses understand what it is like to live with symptoms every single day.
I wish I had a car. I wish I had a house of my own. I wish I had kids. I wish I was not 27 and barely have anything. I wish I have achieved more.
But to tell you the truth, I have been blessed with difficulties. I am blessed to have mental illnesses. I am blessed to be alive. I am blessed to have people around me who are wonderful, supportive and encouraging, especially my awesome boyfriend. I am blessed to be where I am at in my recovery. I am blessed to be able to smile even on the tough days, like today. I am blessed with laughter til I cry. I am blessed to be alive. I am blessed to have been born. I am blessed to have a mother in my life who has shown that she cares very deeply for me and has supported me a lot recently. I am blessed to have a wonderful brother who is in my life and adds so much happiness to my day. I am blessed to be forgiven for my mistakes every single day. I am blessed to have so many friends who love me for who I am without trying to change me. I am blessed to be educated. I am blessed to live in America. I am blessed that the Dark Ages is over. I am blessed in more ways than I can count. And this list could go on...
I am blessed with life.
Why am I saying that I am blessed with difficulties? Why am I saying it is blessed to go through things that make me cry myself to sleep during the night sometimes?
It is in our deepest and darkest moments that we find God's strength with us. It is in our deepest and darkest moments that we develop hope. It is in our deepest and darkest moments that we find meaning and purpose in our lives.
We are all blessed. Remember how blessed we all are to have our lives, this opportunity to shine God's love and light into such a dark and troubled world.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Friday, March 3, 2017
Hope for a Better Day
Many of you have been reading my blog for awhile. Some of you have just recently started following and reading my blog. Either way, I hope that you have learned something about living with mental illnesses. One of my main goals for writing on this blog is to raise awareness.
A few minutes ago, I came across an article on Facebook about Golisano Children's Hospital in Syracuse, NY opening a psych unit for children, due to the shortages of places for children and teens dealing with mental illnesses in the area.
I could not be more excited for this project. I personally was on a committee that worked to raise money for this hospital when it first opened. I am incredibly encouraged in the fact that they are working so hard to make sure that children and teens with mental illnesses get the help that they need.
We truly are blessed to live in a country in which people with mental illness are able to access mental health services. Millions of people worldwide (even in the US) do not receive the services they need, somewhat due to stigmatization and lack of hospitals.
I was in my early teens when I first started noticing symptoms. At age 15, I had my first inpatient unit journey in which they diagnosed me with "possible bipolar." Gaining the support I needed at the time, I was able to work through many of the issues I was dealing with. For the most part, I felt safe in the hospital as a young teenager. It was there that I first met others that I could relate to.
Mental health services are not a luxury; they are a necessity for millions of people. I would not have come as far or overcome so many challenges if it were not for the support, encouragement and love that I have received from all of my peers and staff at all of the hospitals I have been through.
If I was asked if I would rather have life without mental illness or life with mental illness, I would say that I honestly would rather have mental illnesses because I have met some of the most amazing people throughout my time in treatment, both inpatient and outpatient.
Everybody with mental illnesses needs to feel loved and supported. Keep opening doors for children with mental illnesses. Stop people from discriminating against mental illness. Allow people to ask questions and learn about mental illness. Listen to the voices of the unseen, unheard and misunderstood. We all deserve love.
A few minutes ago, I came across an article on Facebook about Golisano Children's Hospital in Syracuse, NY opening a psych unit for children, due to the shortages of places for children and teens dealing with mental illnesses in the area.
I could not be more excited for this project. I personally was on a committee that worked to raise money for this hospital when it first opened. I am incredibly encouraged in the fact that they are working so hard to make sure that children and teens with mental illnesses get the help that they need.
We truly are blessed to live in a country in which people with mental illness are able to access mental health services. Millions of people worldwide (even in the US) do not receive the services they need, somewhat due to stigmatization and lack of hospitals.
I was in my early teens when I first started noticing symptoms. At age 15, I had my first inpatient unit journey in which they diagnosed me with "possible bipolar." Gaining the support I needed at the time, I was able to work through many of the issues I was dealing with. For the most part, I felt safe in the hospital as a young teenager. It was there that I first met others that I could relate to.
Mental health services are not a luxury; they are a necessity for millions of people. I would not have come as far or overcome so many challenges if it were not for the support, encouragement and love that I have received from all of my peers and staff at all of the hospitals I have been through.
If I was asked if I would rather have life without mental illness or life with mental illness, I would say that I honestly would rather have mental illnesses because I have met some of the most amazing people throughout my time in treatment, both inpatient and outpatient.
Everybody with mental illnesses needs to feel loved and supported. Keep opening doors for children with mental illnesses. Stop people from discriminating against mental illness. Allow people to ask questions and learn about mental illness. Listen to the voices of the unseen, unheard and misunderstood. We all deserve love.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
3 Lent
Yesterday was the celebration of Ash Wednesday, or the start of Lent. Often people celebrate Lent by giving up something. In the past, I've tried to give up Facebook but I couldn't. However, I went through a few months without checking Facebook two years ago.
This year, rather than giving up something I enjoy, I am going to work on my relationship with others and glorifying God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit through making goals for myself to follow this time of year. I find that devoting myself to bettering my world and the world of others is a great way to celebrate Lent and Jesus in general. I want to be like Him. He is my inspiration and someone I admire much, not only because I am a Christian but also as a global citizen.
I think the following goals or challenges I had in mind can apply to anyone, which is why I am sharing them.
1. Listen More. A lot of the time, as many of us do, I am listening to others but the moment I think of something I want to say, I automatically only think of that instead of listening intently to the other person. I really want to work on this communicating challenge because I am not the only person who likes to talk. Language is an incredible tool to share ideas and spread love to those around us. The best thing we can do for each other is learn to listen. I often want to be heard. And so do others.
2. Slow Down. I have been home sick with a mild case of bronchitis for the past few days. To tell you the truth, it has been one of the most calming times in my life because I am able to rest and reflect. I am able to bingewatch TV shows online, which has helped me to take care of myself, especially the humorous times. I usually am so busy I do not get to watch clouds outside my window. I've even been doing more meditation today. In the past 2 years, I have only called out three days, other than my two hospitalizations (3 weeks altogether). I can agree that I have needed this time to calm down and remember that I do not need to do all and be all. I can just be. I can enjoy being. I can enjoy living. Not that I did not enjoy being and living before but it's just been nice to sit and rest. I feel like my whole life has slowed down. I don't have to do this, this and that. I can take my time to feel better.
3. Think Before I Speak or Act. This is an ongoing struggle for me. I am working on my actions and reactions towards life events and different things I am going through, like the death of a friend. Each of us has gone through times where we wish we wouldn't have said this or that to someone else. Oops! Sometimes we need to slow down and think about what we do or say. We have to keep the other person in mind when we say certain things. It is not always easy but it is worth working on this goal.
I may not know everything about everything but I am working hard to make this a great season in my life. I want to make a lasting positive impact in the lives around me. I want to share God's love, kindness and understanding, the same things that He and so many others in my life have done for me. So before I go watch another episode of a TV show, I just wanted to say thanks for reading my blog. I am incredibly thankful for your time, encouragement and support, even if I may never meet you.
This year, rather than giving up something I enjoy, I am going to work on my relationship with others and glorifying God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit through making goals for myself to follow this time of year. I find that devoting myself to bettering my world and the world of others is a great way to celebrate Lent and Jesus in general. I want to be like Him. He is my inspiration and someone I admire much, not only because I am a Christian but also as a global citizen.
I think the following goals or challenges I had in mind can apply to anyone, which is why I am sharing them.
1. Listen More. A lot of the time, as many of us do, I am listening to others but the moment I think of something I want to say, I automatically only think of that instead of listening intently to the other person. I really want to work on this communicating challenge because I am not the only person who likes to talk. Language is an incredible tool to share ideas and spread love to those around us. The best thing we can do for each other is learn to listen. I often want to be heard. And so do others.
2. Slow Down. I have been home sick with a mild case of bronchitis for the past few days. To tell you the truth, it has been one of the most calming times in my life because I am able to rest and reflect. I am able to bingewatch TV shows online, which has helped me to take care of myself, especially the humorous times. I usually am so busy I do not get to watch clouds outside my window. I've even been doing more meditation today. In the past 2 years, I have only called out three days, other than my two hospitalizations (3 weeks altogether). I can agree that I have needed this time to calm down and remember that I do not need to do all and be all. I can just be. I can enjoy being. I can enjoy living. Not that I did not enjoy being and living before but it's just been nice to sit and rest. I feel like my whole life has slowed down. I don't have to do this, this and that. I can take my time to feel better.
3. Think Before I Speak or Act. This is an ongoing struggle for me. I am working on my actions and reactions towards life events and different things I am going through, like the death of a friend. Each of us has gone through times where we wish we wouldn't have said this or that to someone else. Oops! Sometimes we need to slow down and think about what we do or say. We have to keep the other person in mind when we say certain things. It is not always easy but it is worth working on this goal.
I may not know everything about everything but I am working hard to make this a great season in my life. I want to make a lasting positive impact in the lives around me. I want to share God's love, kindness and understanding, the same things that He and so many others in my life have done for me. So before I go watch another episode of a TV show, I just wanted to say thanks for reading my blog. I am incredibly thankful for your time, encouragement and support, even if I may never meet you.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Every Moment
This morning, I am reminded how precious our time is here in this world. Make the most of every conversation and interaction you have with others. Tell them you love them. Tell them that they have made a huge positive impact in your life.
We are never guaranteed tomorrow.
Remember that you are loved, even when you've made mistakes. Remember and focus on the good times in your life instead of dwelling on the negatives.
Each second, minute, hour, week, month and year is an opportunity to live... really live.
This morning, I am grateful for life, even with the challenges I am faced with every single day.
We are never guaranteed tomorrow.
Remember that you are loved, even when you've made mistakes. Remember and focus on the good times in your life instead of dwelling on the negatives.
Each second, minute, hour, week, month and year is an opportunity to live... really live.
This morning, I am grateful for life, even with the challenges I am faced with every single day.
Monday, February 27, 2017
A Cosine Wave
When you think of bipolar disorder, do you ever think of extremes? You know that sine or cosine wave that you were taught in high school or college statistics? The neverending pattern of the Bell curve which describes the IQ measures? The neverending pattern of parabolic functions?
Up and down and up and down, like clockwork...
And yes, I am an engineer... A Biomedical Engineer.
Someone important in my life said to me a few years ago that I have a dichotomous mind. At first, I was like "dichotowho?"... I've been reflecting a lot on that lately though.
Quite often, I am either
Yay-everydayisgreat-everythingisfantastic-nothingiswrong-nothingwillEVERbewrong-lifeisthebest-iaminvincible-nothingsgonnagetmedown
or
Icantbelievehowdifficultthislifeis-i'mnevergoinganywhere-everybodyhatesme-everybodywantstogetridofme-i'maburden-iwillalwaysbesick/mentallyill-i'mgarbage-nobodycares-theyrelaughingatme-iwantittoend.
I am slowly but surely finding the "grey area" between those extremes. I don't mean to use that cliche explanation or term, but there really is power in finding that grey area and embracing it. I do not believe we were made for those types of extremes.
I believe that it is imperative for me to find that middle ground where there is peace even on the most difficult days. I picture myself somewhere between the valley and the top of a mountain.
However, finding that "grey area" is not simple.
I had a quite strong reaction to something that someone said recently. Yes, I get triggers that sometimes add to the stress, but I just started sobbing. I think it was an extreme reaction to what was said, even though it had nothing to do with me.
Needless to say, I am working on my reactions to my triggers. I am coming to realize that I have the power to control how I react to others and different situations. I'm never going to get anywhere if I have such strong reactions to everything. I cannot control what others are going to say or do around me. I also cannot always expect someone to be there for me everytime I have an extreme reaction. People are going to say things that upset me, but isn't that true for all of us? What is more important is to be able to control our emotions so that we can move forward,
I cannot run from my triggers. I can only control me, not others or certain situations. I can control my reactions in a powerful way.
Up and down and up and down, like clockwork...
And yes, I am an engineer... A Biomedical Engineer.
Someone important in my life said to me a few years ago that I have a dichotomous mind. At first, I was like "dichotowho?"... I've been reflecting a lot on that lately though.
Quite often, I am either
Yay-everydayisgreat-everythingisfantastic-nothingiswrong-nothingwillEVERbewrong-lifeisthebest-iaminvincible-nothingsgonnagetmedown
or
Icantbelievehowdifficultthislifeis-i'mnevergoinganywhere-everybodyhatesme-everybodywantstogetridofme-i'maburden-iwillalwaysbesick/mentallyill-i'mgarbage-nobodycares-theyrelaughingatme-iwantittoend.
I am slowly but surely finding the "grey area" between those extremes. I don't mean to use that cliche explanation or term, but there really is power in finding that grey area and embracing it. I do not believe we were made for those types of extremes.
I believe that it is imperative for me to find that middle ground where there is peace even on the most difficult days. I picture myself somewhere between the valley and the top of a mountain.
However, finding that "grey area" is not simple.
I had a quite strong reaction to something that someone said recently. Yes, I get triggers that sometimes add to the stress, but I just started sobbing. I think it was an extreme reaction to what was said, even though it had nothing to do with me.
Needless to say, I am working on my reactions to my triggers. I am coming to realize that I have the power to control how I react to others and different situations. I'm never going to get anywhere if I have such strong reactions to everything. I cannot control what others are going to say or do around me. I also cannot always expect someone to be there for me everytime I have an extreme reaction. People are going to say things that upset me, but isn't that true for all of us? What is more important is to be able to control our emotions so that we can move forward,
I cannot run from my triggers. I can only control me, not others or certain situations. I can control my reactions in a powerful way.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
The Inevitable Dreams
Has anyone ever asked you if you have a dream that you want to come into fruition during your precious time in this world?
If not, let me ask you... Do you have any dreams for your life here?
And before you say "I'm too old," "I'm not smart enough," "I don't have enough money," "I'm not beautiful," or just plainly, "I am not enough," STOP!
I've seen my own dreams come true. I also have seen other lives changed by focusing on making dreams come true, including my boyfriend, whose dreams are coming true as I write this.
I kind of live by this motto... Live Like Today is Your Last Day.
It is true that we do not know what will happen tomorrow or a week, month, or year from now. We have a choice to live life to the fullest. Granted this is not simple, especially with a mental illness or other challenges. But we can continue to move forward.
We can choose to make a positive difference in this world.
For me, I try to (I don't do this all the time) help others because, to me, that is the only way to live.
Let me ask you again, do you have any dreams that you would like to see happen?
If you do, start making your dreams come true because we are not guarateed tomorrow.
If not, let me ask you... Do you have any dreams for your life here?
And before you say "I'm too old," "I'm not smart enough," "I don't have enough money," "I'm not beautiful," or just plainly, "I am not enough," STOP!
I've seen my own dreams come true. I also have seen other lives changed by focusing on making dreams come true, including my boyfriend, whose dreams are coming true as I write this.
I kind of live by this motto... Live Like Today is Your Last Day.
It is true that we do not know what will happen tomorrow or a week, month, or year from now. We have a choice to live life to the fullest. Granted this is not simple, especially with a mental illness or other challenges. But we can continue to move forward.
We can choose to make a positive difference in this world.
For me, I try to (I don't do this all the time) help others because, to me, that is the only way to live.
Let me ask you again, do you have any dreams that you would like to see happen?
If you do, start making your dreams come true because we are not guarateed tomorrow.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Capturing God
I love capturing the beauty in nature. I love the beauty of God's creation all around us. He speaks to me through the sky, especially the sunrises. I try to watch the sun rise every morning. Photography used to be a weak point for me, but I have gained a lot of strength in capturing God's handiwork.
Earlier today, I posted about finding our voices. A major part of my voice is through art, specifically photography. Through meditation, I am able to stop, breathe and enjoy the morning before a busy day. It helps me to slow down and remember that this day was created by God.
Here are some photos I have taken of sunrises throughout the past few years. Enjoy!
Earlier today, I posted about finding our voices. A major part of my voice is through art, specifically photography. Through meditation, I am able to stop, breathe and enjoy the morning before a busy day. It helps me to slow down and remember that this day was created by God.
Here are some photos I have taken of sunrises throughout the past few years. Enjoy!
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